9 months off c/t short term use

[[So...]]

As I approach my 9-month mark, I can definitely see more improvements. 6 months was a big turn, and while the ride has continued in its zigzag fashion, all the levels have been turned down. What used to be foreground in my life has become background. Most especially, the chemical depression has lifted. Sure, I’m still situationally bummed, but it’s a huge difference.

 

Also, the irrational fear is gone. There was a point during this where I was scared of existence, of just being alive. Now, gone. (I won’t test my luck watching horror movies just yet…) I’ve watched my symptoms go from terror to panic to high anxiety to medium anxiety, and now I’m left with nervousness that oscillates throughout the day. I’m not at baseline yet, but I love seeing the trend. Even my waves are spaced out longer and longer, last less, and are not as intense. I’m almost yearning for them because I’ve found that after each I usually feel much better, and some symptoms go away for good. Strange to want them now, right?

 

Note: this is not a success story. I sometimes have bad days, and bad moments. I refuse to write a success story until I am at 100% back to normal. But I feel as if I’ve been swimming in deep water, and I can finally see land ahead. It won’t be long before I can wade onto shore and into the sand.

 

I still have a few lingering issues, (though my joke is that if I don’t like a symptom, all I need to do is wait, and it’ll be replaced by something else.)  As of this writing, I have head tremors, occasional muscle twitches, a kind of pulsing anxiety that comes and goes, a slight chemical feeling of being “off” and low level DP/DR. The DP/DR plagues me the most, however. Still, all are much better!

 

In better news, I am beginning to see the fruits of my labor – the meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, warm baths, and massages – that my body is relaxed in a way that it never has been before. True, my sx are mainly mental, but it’s been wonderful to inhabit a body that is, save the occasional morning heart palpitation, quite calm.

 

I am also at a point where I am seeing the silver lining in my experience. Anxiety was always my bogeyman, which is why I went on Lexapro in the first place (which led to Valium for jaw-clenching due to Lexapro side-effects.) I am now without any safety net and no pill to rescue me, and I’ve been forced to deal with my anxiety. Yes, it’s been uncomfortable at times, but I’m managing. And I know I will only get better. Indeed, we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

 

I wanted to share something that my benzo mentor told me. I was saying how frustrated I’ve been, and sad, that my life has been on hold during this ordeal. She said, “Not really. You are experiencing things now that will help you mature and grow if you allow them to. Life isn’t at a standstill. You’ve been doing the hardest work in your entire life, and it will pay off big-time.” That really helped me change my mindset. True, I haven’t been making money (I’m currently not working due to withdrawal), but maybe I’ve been working on something much more important in the grand scheme of things.

 

I hope to write a success story soon in the coming months (or fingers crossed, sooner) when I am back to life at 100%. And yes, I’ve finally learned that acceptance is key, but I do believe you need to be past a certain point in withdrawal. (There is no acceptance in acute, or post acute, it’s simply, in my opinion, not possible.) But wherever I am in this journey, I continue to look forward that healing is a certainty, and I know it is for all of us.

 

[[...]]

So happy for you.

Not so far awsy from finish line.

[[be...]]

It is a slow gradual process, but it sounds like you are getting there! I have a feeling a success story is right around the corner for you. :smitten:

[[So...]]

Thanks all, appreciate it. I'm hoping for the success story to be soon, too!

[[Mb...]]

This is absolutely the best post I have read. It's just like reading my own thoughts and experiences. It's awesome that you are doing so well. I really liked what you said about acceptance too. I also believe whole heartedly that you just have to get to that point. It's definitely not automatic. Thanks so much for this!

[[So...]]

Keep going Mbusybee!

 

This is definitely a boxing match that will probably last the entire 12 rounds, and it can get tiring. It's strange to watch my symptoms both get better and better, and yet sometimes new ones pop in that seem to keep me from celebrating too soon. I guess it's a way to keep me humble. 

 

I'm not at a point to write a success story yet. I keep projecting my "end date", and it always ends up disappointing me, so I've decided to just let this ride. I have no idea when it will end, but I do know two things: 1. It will end, and 2. I keep getting better.

 

Even though I'm not working, I've been meeting people for coffee in an area of work I'm interested in breaking into (when I feel better). But just meeting these people is something I could NEVER have done even 3 months ago - the fear would've been too much. So, even though I may get frustrated with the pace, when I look at things objectively, there is definite improvement. And I am damned lucky to have a supportive wife.

 

My other joke is that, for the Buddhists out there, I am definitely paying off some bad karma; so after all this, I should be pure as silk!

 

Onwards and upwards!

[[Mb...]]

Yup! Cleansing this earth suit! Ditto on the supportive spouse. Don't know what I'd do without mine either. Best of luck to you!😃

[[He...]]

Congrats!! Sounds similar to my story! Only difference I've worked throughout my withdrawal! Thank goodness for my supportive co-workers! God Bless!!