Tried to reconnect with an old friend and it ended in disaster

[[be...]]

Wow....I must really be off from this withdrawal. I had lunch with an old friend of mine from a few years ago. I told her that I was changing my life and coming off of a benzo on the phone. She seemed fine with this. We met at a coffee shop and it ended in disaster. I asked about getting together again and she said we didn't have much in common. What? I know I might be off a bit as I am in the acute phase but I did not expect her to not want to be friends. I made some mistakes but she also sat and at times said nothing. I felt like I was under a microscope. I do remember her being a bit judgmental in the past but this get together felt brutal. I seemly tried a number of subjects and it didn't work well.

 

I know I was not completely together but I felt like there was no room for error. She had some type of accident where she did something to her brain and she needs a little extra time to respond and a few times I forgot and she called me out on it. There were uncomfortable times of silence and I resorted to talking about myself just to make conversation. For a while I kept leading with questions about her life to find something to talk about. I feel so inept. I did not expect to not be friends at all. 

 

Could this withdrawal (now considered to be discontinuation syndrome) have caused me to be so horrible socially? Did this drug affect me this badly?

[[me...]]

Hi,

 

This kind of thing can be tricky.  I notice you were on benzos 20 years and have only been off a short time.  When i was where you are now, I avoided my friends because I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with them.  My judgement was way off, and I thought people disliked me and were judging me when in fact they weren't even aware of me.  It's a kind of hyper-vigilance many of us have when newly off.  Basically, everything is considered a "threat."  Fight-or-flight kicks in.  This is a temporary situation, though, and you'll normalize in time.

 

Also, people who've never gone through what we're going through really have no understanding - and often no tolerance - to it.  We look normal to them, so whatever we think is wrong with us must be "all in our heads."  This is very, very common and often happens with families and friends. 

 

Lastly, you mentioned your friend had some sort of brain injury.  Is it possible she's on benzos or similar medications herself?  If so, she may be threatened by someone who's now off them.

 

Megan

 

[[Fa...]]

Beebop2 I am looking at this from a different prospective and it might help.

 

First I commend you for doing this in the first place. I am having a difficult time with the situation you experienced. So take a deep breath and give yourself a hug.

 

As you can see in my signature I am in w/d right now and was in tolerance (didn't know it) probably in the first 2 weeks of taking the med. I understand what you are feeling.

 

As far as your friend I suffered a head injury a year and a half ago. She could be equally as frustrated as you but didn't express it. I had well still at times have difficulty with conversations. You mentioned she can be judge mental, she might have been judging herself the whole time. Or she may have been seeing bits of herself in you and it was more then she could cope with.

 

If she was a really good friend and you want to stay friends cut her some slack. Call her in a month or so and just say hi. On the other hand if she was more of an acquaintance let it go.

 

I have found since being on this journey people I thought were real friends have not been there. Those I looked at as acquaintances are the ones who have helped me the most.

 

Let your heart lead you where you need to go.

 

I hope this helps.

[[be...]]

Hi,

 

This kind of thing can be tricky.  I notice you were on benzos 20 years and have only been off a short time.  When i was where you are now, I avoided my friends because I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with them.  My judgement was way off, and I thought people disliked me and were judging me when in fact they weren't even aware of me.  It's a kind of hyper-vigilance many of us have when newly off.  Basically, everything is considered a "threat."  Fight-or-flight kicks in.  This is a temporary situation, though, and you'll normalize in time.

 

Also, people who've never gone through what we're going through really have no understanding - and often no tolerance - to it.  We look normal to them, so whatever we think is wrong with us must be "all in our heads."  This is very, very common and often happens with families and friends. 

 

Lastly, you mentioned your friend had some sort of brain injury.  Is it possible she's on benzos or similar medications herself?  If so, she may be threatened by someone who's now off them.

 

Megan

 

Megan, it is kind of funny as the only time that I knew that she had such a horrible time was when I said give me a call sometime and she said that we did not have much in common. That told me that she did not want to reconnect as friends. We were only friends like 6 months so she is not really a long term friend. I know my judgement has got to be off. You are right in that I felt super sensitive during our visit. I must have looked so uncomfortable to her. She had the mind to be able to be calm and I was kind of a wreck. 

 

Thank you for pointing this out. I think I tried to reconnect at a really bad time. Acute discontinuation of a benzo ! That will teach me. 

 

[[be...]]

Beebop2 I am looking at this from a different prospective and it might help.

 

First I commend you for doing this in the first place. I am having a difficult time with the situation you experienced. So take a deep breath and give yourself a hug.

 

As you can see in my signature I am in w/d right now and was in tolerance (didn't know it) probably in the first 2 weeks of taking the med. I understand what you are feeling.

 

As far as your friend I suffered a head injury a year and a half ago. She could be equally as frustrated as you but didn't express it. I had well still at times have difficulty with conversations. You mentioned she can be judge mental, she might have been judging herself the whole time. Or she may have been seeing bits of herself in you and it was more then she could cope with.

 

If she was a really good friend and you want to stay friends cut her some slack. Call her in a month or so and just say hi. On the other hand if she was more of an acquaintance let it go.

 

I have found since being on this journey people I thought were real friends have not been there. Those I looked at as acquaintances are the ones who have helped me the most.

 

Let your heart lead you where you need to go.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Wow, so sorry to hear about your head injury. That has got to be hard. Thank you for chiming in here.

 

I wouldn't call her a real friend. We were only friends for about 6 months until years got between us. I guess I just did not expect the outcome that we would not continue as friends. I was a bit shocked and hurt to say the least. I know I came across as somewhat incompetent and very uncomfortable being in this stage of W/D. I guess the right way to look at this is that both of us contributed to this outcome. That is the most fair way to look at this, I think. I was walking on eggshells and when ever I stepped wrong, she pointed it out. I think my heart is leading me to stay away from reconnecting or even connecting with friends right now as I am not myself. In a way, she did not have a good view of me when I am feeling well so she did not have much to work with. I don't want to be hard on her but I do not want to be so hard on myself either.

 

Thanks for sharing. 

[[me...]]

Yes, it's best to not make any major life decisions or start any new relationships during this time, IMO.  Don't overdo anything. Just take it easy, rest, and allow healing to happen without unnecessary stress.  Time itself IS the healer. Taking care of yourself is the number one priority right now. 

 

[[Be...]]

I think it was quite disrespectful of your ex-friend to hurt you and say you didn't have much in common during your visit.  If that would have been me, I never would have said that to someone, even if I had no intentions of visiting with them again.  It's hurtful.  She's not someone I would ever want to remain friends with.  No loss for you, IMO.  I had to disown an "emotionally-draining" friend one time and I just sort of quit calling her back, until she asked what was wrong.  Then I had to tell her the truth.  I had another friend "dump" me and she just wouldn't take my calls anymore.  Her son said she wasn't available.  That was ok.   

[[pa...]]

Dearest Beebop2,

 

To begin, I see the wonderful gentle kind heart you have.  You've been off benzos for a short time, and making the stride in what you did I commend you.

 

Yes, it hurts when ones, whether they are family, friends or acquaintances... when this occurs, but it does.  Though, this person you speak of, she has her adversities and challenges as you do, though different.  She cannot connect to be a friend to you due to this.  For yourself, bless her spiritually and close the door, as this is not helpful for you.  You have your journey from the benzos, as she does with her tribulation.

 

Keep close to all on this site, as all understand everything you feel and experience from this.  These are your companions who will support you and lend it to you, as each one understands.

[[be...]]

I think it was quite disrespectful of your ex-friend to hurt you and say you didn't have much in common during your visit.  If that would have been me, I never would have said that to someone, even if I had no intentions of visiting with them again.  It's hurtful.  She's not someone I would ever want to remain friends with.  No loss for you, IMO.  I had to disown an "emotionally-draining" friend one time and I just sort of quit calling her back, until she asked what was wrong.  Then I had to tell her the truth.  I had another friend "dump" me and she just wouldn't take my calls anymore.  Her son said she wasn't available.  That was ok. 

 

Thank you so much for supporting me. I kind of blindly walked in to this situation and yes it did feel really brutal. This encounter kept going through my head last night but I think it is a wake up call for me to use better judgement next time and not try to start something new during this W/D. I agree that we should part our ways. It was so distasteful that I do not want to be friends with her.

 

Sorry that you had those awful experiences with friends. People can be so insensitive and hurtful. It teaches us when to move on. 

[[be...]]

Dearest Beebop2,

 

To begin, I see the wonderful gentle kind heart you have.  You've been off benzos for a short time, and making the stride in what you did I commend you.

 

Yes, it hurts when ones, whether they are family, friends or acquaintances... when this occurs, but it does.  Though, this person you speak of, she has her adversities and challenges as you do, though different.  She cannot connect to be a friend to you due to this.  For yourself, bless her spiritually and close the door, as this is not helpful for you.  You have your journey from the benzos, as she does with her tribulation.

 

Keep close to all on this site, as all understand everything you feel and experience from this.  These are your companions who will support you and lend it to you, as each one understands.

 

Thank you pattylu. She did seem rather non empathetic. Maybe her injury affected this part of her, I don't know. I was so blind in that I was just clueless that she was going to reject me like that. I felt sorta like I was in the twilight zone having a bad nightmare! 

 

I don't know what I would do without this forum ! 

[[Be...]]

That "friend" was abusive towards you.  She didn't even consider your feelings when she said that.  She's bad news.  I'm betting she wouldn't be a good friend to anyone. 

[[be...]]

That "friend" was abusive towards you.  She didn't even consider your feelings when she said that.  She's bad news.  I'm betting she wouldn't be a good friend to anyone.

 

Thanks Becksblue for your support. I would not have said what she said either. I guess that is why I was so shocked. I am a very sensitive person and right now in this acute stage of W/D I am even more sensitive.

[[si...]]

Maybe you should try to look at it in another way. The problem might be on her side, she may feel that she is worse off than you are and it is her insecurities coming through.

You never rely know what others are thinking.

[[be...]]

Maybe you should try to look at it in another way. The problem might be on her side, she may feel that she is worse off than you are and it is her insecurities coming through.

You never rely know what others are thinking.

 

Thanks silveralpha. She considers herself very confident and she seems to have an air that she has it together. I think the most difficult aspect for me to accept is that she seems so judgmental and exact and when the conversation went a little off, she would correct me. I found that very limiting and almost like I could not breathe. Granted I was a bit off but I feel like I totally jumped into a fire and I do blame myself in some respects.

 

 

[[Bl...]]

I'm sorry that happened to you. She sounds like a mean person. Try not to take it to heart. It says more about her than you. It better you know now what kind of person she really is. One who lacks empathy. Not worth your time.

[[Ma...]]

hey beebop2,

 

first: 

 

sometimes I think I am an Alien when I meet people. I think different, I notice other things, I seem to talk in a foreign language and do not have anything in common with them. That is withdrawal.

 

But the other thing is.. I have changed and some people are not able to deal with that. And that hurts. But I have to let them go. I deserve better persons.

 

So.. do not doubt yourself! What you are feeling is real.. The only thing that can help is love. If your friend is able to take the situation as it was and listen to the heart then you can meet another day and not talk but doing something to get closer.. but if she is not interested let her go.. perhaps she will find her way back to you somehow.And if not - then she does not deserve you.

I think real friendship is a kind of love? and a good friend will always open or re-open the heart for you because all you are going through is not the important thing its YOU. 

 

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Your "friend" also sounds controlling.  Ppl. who have an air about them are usually controlling, IMO and lack empathy.  That's sad to see in women, but I've seen it in women like that alot.