Wow... everyone must be too depressed to post

[[re...]]

I decided to come on here because I was looking at some older photos on my phone and it made me feel rather sad. I had pictures of all the things I use to do, and the person I use to be. Landscapes, Art, Flowers, Trees, The best of the Heart of San Francisco, Cathedrals with glorious architecture, all the things I love and don't even want to do anymore. So there is a quiet kind of desperation inside of me telling me I have to get back to that person again, the me that I use to be. But now as I type this I realize it only adds to my depression. I am putting pressure on myself and not accepting the me that I am now. I may not like this season of my life, but I should accept it. I think in accepting I feel like a total looser that I might actually feel better. Does that sound weird or what?

[[al...]]

When you have all the chemical crap out of your body, it won't be long before you wake up one day thinking "hey I feel good". And the next day and so on. It is then that you become again the person you really are. The fact you are tapering down these drugs already means you are not a looser at all. You are on the winning hand, how bad you might feel now and how far away good times may seem, they are a lot closer then you think.

[[Ti...]]

What if you are in massive debt because of this? Medical debt,  credit card debt. Im In massive debt because of this and had to move in w,my mom. Everytime I look in the past or look at pictures on my phone which is a good description it makes me very sad as well. It's like I'll never get back to that spot ever again especially now since I have all this debt and problems that benzo have caused. I2 have been thinking a lot about my ex-wife and how much different my life would be if we didn't get divorced.  This whole thing is a mind f*** and I'm ready for it to be over but when it's over I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same person I was. I used to be happy and full of life and could not wait for next opportunity in life now I feel as though I'm falling apart and my days are limited. It is by far the worst possible feeling anybody could ever have for me I feel worthless worthless. I do hope this goes away soon because I can't live another couple of days with this feeling. God bless every single one of you going through this

[[al...]]

Sorry Timmyp, I did not mean to belittle what you are all going through. You aren't worthless at all. Being without a job or money has nothing to do with the person you are. And it's clear from your posts you are friendly and goodhearted(if that is a word, you know what I mean) person. There is no reason to feel like shit all the time, you could consider starting with an antidepressant again? Something has to work for you. We all react different but the chemical processes in our brain are all the same. I have no idea how the medical insurance system works so if that is financially an option. But there is no shame in taking an antidepressant.

[[Da...]]

Redwoods I totally know what you are going through.

 

I had a six figure job I ruined and a great relationship I ruined and I was happy, fun loving, and very social.

 

I am now a shell of that person, I don't work, I'm def not happy, and I don't want to talk to anybody I just want to be left alone to go through this thing all alone. It really sux a lot. I am hoping and praying this thing will and I will get better soon. I have never been more sad in my life.

 

So if I can go through this and do it and stick to it anybody can. I'm trying so hard not to dwell on the past and look to the future as something positive, it is so difficult. I don't want to play who is more pathetic you me or timmyp. I'm a poet and don't know it. That is all a joke redwoods and timmyp. I def am not trying to diss other ppl on this site. And I would say I'm the winner of the most pathetic person who is posting on this site today.

 

Anyway there is a life out there once we recover we can get back to it. tons of luck fellows!

 

 

 

 

[[re...]]

Wow! I feel like quoting everyone of you.

 

Alfajag, it is encouraging to hear someday I may wake up and feel good again. Maybe the person I use to be isn't the best version of myself. It would be nice to think the best version of myself is yet to come.

 

Davis I feel like you. I want to be left alone. I have never been more sad in my life. I use to have a great job, fun loving and very social too. I hardly resemble that person anymore.

 

Timmyp, I want this to be over too. I feel trapped in my body. I am not sure I will ever get back to the well me again either.

 

On any hand, I came here today and will probably come here a lot more because this depression feels overwhelming. It is getting worse and worse and I am becoming more and more lethargic. I laid around all day yesterday and felt body aches, stiffness and more depression. I am going to force myself to go ride the exercise bike at the gym. Even if I do just 15 minutes I will consider that a major victory. I will go right near closing time to avoid people.

 

 

[[Da...]]

I know exactly how you feel it is so hard. I so badly want to be better and honestly I think of just wrapping it up. I will not do that and have never even considered it in my entire life until now. I am glad you can get on the exercise bike. I have a hard time getting off the damned sofa. We have to keep going and move forward even though we don't want to.

[[re...]]

The brain is willing but the flesh is too depressed. In fact, I don't think my brain is willing. I should do this. I should do that. What the heck is wrong with me? I can't move. I hate life.

 

Yes, the thing is to force yourself to take the first step to do whatever it is that you think you should do. It is REALLY HARD to get motivated when depressed. Nothing is appealing. Here I have been looking at my digital piano for about a week... trying to muster up the will to play it. I read music and I have always played. Now I can't get myself to do that either. Sometimes if I just get angry about obsessing about what I should do, then I might do it just to get it out of my brain. It isn't that I want to do it, its that I want to stop OBSESSING about it! Ouch! 

[[Ge...]]

Wow,  my heart goes out to everyone who has to go through this benzo withdrawal hell.  Physical pain and other sxs I have had are nothing compared to the pain of depression and deep regrets, and extreme  sadness.

I can tell you all, that while today I am in that deep dark hole, I have had a window very recently where the depression pain lightened a lot.  I have been able to  function, drive, and even  socialize. I can only hope that gives you hope.

I have tapered down from 10 to 9mg of Diazepam.  Dr wants me to start taking Prozac.  I just want my brain to learn to function without any drugs.  How do I know if my brain is getting better  if I  am taking AD?

I hope you all feel better soon. Much love, GeeGee

[[re...]]

Wow,  my heart goes out to everyone who has to go through this benzo withdrawal hell.  Physical pain and other sxs I have had are nothing compared to the pain of depression and deep regrets, and extreme  sadness.

I can tell you all, that while today I am in that deep dark hole, I have had a window very recently where the depression pain lightened a lot.  I have been able to  function, drive, and even  socialize. I can only hope that gives you hope.

I have tapered down from 10 to 9mg of Diazepam.  Dr wants me to start taking Prozac.  I just want my brain to learn to function without any drugs.  How do I know if my brain is getting better  if I  am taking AD?

I hope you all feel better soon. Much love, GeeGee

 

I think there are two types of people...

 

1. Those who believe that depression is a choice

 

2. Those who believe that depression is an illness

 

I think science can now prove that there is a thing called clinical depression that is caused by neurotransmitters not doing there thing right. This would be chemistry. There is also the depression that benzos cause. Then there is situational depression from loosing a loved one etc.

 

Glad you had a window, GeeGee! I tried to go down on my anti-depressant and started feeling more depressed and weird. For me it is best to tackle one med at a time. Then I can know for sure what my body is reacting to. I just wish this was not taking so long. I use to take prozac but it gave me too much anxiety. Then again, we are all different and it may work for you. It did work for me when I added a benzo. It seems lots of doctors know this. I know a lot of people on anti-depressants that take them in conjunction with a benzo. I hope it works for you. So glad you felt you could function. That does give one hope! I too wish my brain would just function right on its own. But from day 1 as a child, I had problems with depression and hallucinations.  :'(

 

Best of luck to you, dear... 

[[Ge...]]

I am so sorry Redwoods for your life long struggle.  I have also had illness since birth.  I have also had quite a bit of trama both physical and mental.  Life is like that for so many of us.  We have to help each other and know we are not alone.  I have come to  realize that I have a lot to work through  and  I am learning so much.  Empathy is one of the things I have learned so far. Well wishes.

I don't know if I will take any more drugs unless it gets that bad.  Thanks for writing back to me.

[[re...]]

I am so sorry Redwoods for your life long struggle.  I have also had illness since birth.  I have also had quite a bit of trama both physical and mental.  Life is like that for so many of us.  We have to help each other and know we are not alone.  I have come to  realize that I have a lot to work through  and  I am learning so much.  Empathy is one of the things I have learned so far. Well wishes.

I don't know if I will take any more drugs unless it gets that bad.  Thanks for writing back to me.

 

I think having an unexplained illness in your head is the worst! I was terrified as a child beyond measure. I also had a lot of verbal abuse as a child, and physical abuse as an adult. I'm sorry for what you are going through, GeeGee. Empathy is really good when others empathize as well. But if you are with people that take advantage of your loving compassionate self, then they are toxic. I actually am afraid to talk to my two sisters for fear I will get upset and want to take a benzo. This is so terribly hard when family does not understand. Keep coming back here and posting. You will find many compassionate people like yourself who do understand and believe you. Together we can do this, especially when we are loving and kind. Take care, dear 

[[Ge...]]

I am sorry for the  non supportive and toxic people in your life right now.  Most of those people are in my past although the lingering effects haunt me still.  Please know that I care and I know some of what you are going through.  Holding hands from afar.  Hugs, GeeGee

[[re...]]

GeeGee 

 

I am definitely too depressed to post... but here I am... Resurrecting this thread. I am going to have to go back up to my prescribed dose of my antidepressant tomorrow. I cut down... and heading for the dungeon fast. I hate feeling trapped on drugs. I wish the ole brain would just function right. I don't think it ever has. Not even from day one. People who tell you to just think positive thoughts have no clue as to what clinical depression is. It is not a choice IMO. It is a brain disorder. There is no shame in saying that you may have a illness in your head. In fact, I read an article that said..."Is Mental Illness a prerequisite for Genius". Some of the most intelligent people on the planet suffered from one or another mental illness. Often the very creative brain is prone to addiction, depression, etc. Well, I think there may be some truth to that. My brother is a Genius, and schizophrenic. I think depression is worse. He even enjoys his hallucinations as I recall, but he has been missing for many years now... God help us all.  :'(

[[Tr...]]

Thanks for resurrecting this post. I'm sorry you're going through what you're dealing with. Going back onto your prescribed meds sounds like the right thing to do. It's just not worth suffering if there is a way out, even if it is a medication.

 

I suffered from severe depression last year when I discontinued Zoloft. After a few months of suffering I finally went back on and really improved my outlook on life. Once I stabilized I discontinued again but now I'm in a better place.

 

Things will look up and you can find a way out of the hole. If it is a chemical imbalance then there are medications to help you. i wish you the best of luck!

[[Mi...]]

Redwoods - yes, many of us are born with depression, and other people just don't get it. My doctor, who is helping me with my taper, told me "You worry too much." I wanted to say, "If you've been through all that I have, you'd worry too." I'm so tired of biting my tongue. People just don't get it.My doctor was born health, happy, has a great career, great husband, healthy children, a charmed life.  But I was born depressed anyway.

 

MirandaJane