Something's gotta give

[[bl...]]

I know this is a wave, but I need to vent because sometimes I just want to hear things are going to get better.

 

I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, my anxiety is all over the place, and I just feel crappy. I had a rather long window where I was feeling utterly normal, boring in fact, and I loved it. Now I feel like I'm back in acute. In fact, it feels more like after I jumped off of Klonopin, where I hate life all morning and afternoon long and then finally start feeling better in the evening.

 

Sunday is week 9 since my jump. I hope this gets better soon. I try to do all the right things. I eat well, I exercise, I meditate, I get plenty of sun, I work, I think positive thoughts. It's exhausting trying to do all the right things, but I keep at it because supposedly hard work eventually pays off.

 

I know I shouldn't complain, but I've really no one else to talk to. If I try to reach out to my family I'll just be laughed at and my friends are too busy to listen to me whine.

[[Da...]]

I totally understand how things are with your family and friends. The thing is ppl hate hearing anyone complain. The ask you how you are they are surprised if you saying anything but good or well. They are not asking to get any other answer.

 

You are doing a lot more than I am to get well. I am eating wrong, sleeping wrong, not leaving the house to get any sunshine not working etc etc. If you want to talk to me feel free to message me about anything and I will try to reply asap. I feel like I'm going crazy every day and I feel like my symptoms will never go away. The anxiety and depression, cognitive problems etc etc .

 

I know this is not the answer you are looking for either. instead of saying don't worry things will get better soon I am saying I can commiserate with you. I hope it helps you to hear someone else has the same problems and you are not alone in the world.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Perhaps it helps you to know that in a small county far far away from you there is a person suffering the same shit being in week 10... and awake? that s me. Hello.

 

When you do not get sleep you become a crying baby. It is understandable that in some countries sleep deprivation is a special form of torture!

Do you have to work at day? If not, take some rest, do as if you would take a nap, meditate, or pretend to,- every moment in which you have a little rest is counting now..

 

Do you have the strength to curse (this word I had to look-up so I do not know if its understandable I mean the moment when you open your mouth and in TV they will make this "bbeeeeeeep" because of the words you scream... in American TV they often say F---beepppp")?

Thats the only thing that makes me feel better sometimes... like the last fighting I can do before killing myself ...

 

if you are to weak now I can do it for you? beeeeeeep!!

 

You will get better!! I think we can complain when we get to the 6th month without benzos... now it is just normal not to sleep... :'(

But look how many people are posting about this issue! You are not alone.

 

[[bl...]]

Thank you, both of you. 

 

I know it will get better (at least that's what I keep telling myself). I just feel sometimes like it won't. I can't remember the last time that I felt like me, like totally me - happy and carefree - like I have a spirit, instead of just relying on wisdom and experience to carry me through situations. I feel stunted and dull. I want to feel alive. Every day feels like Groundhog Day, I work ceaselessly to make the best of each day, and then I wake up in the morning and I'm right back to where I started.

 

I'm just tired. Maybe I'll get back to sleeping tonight. I tried to take a nap today but was too anxious.

[[lg...]]

What you are going through is called depersonalization where you don't feel like you know yourself anymore. I have this symptom along with derealisation where you no longer connect to other people.

 

These symptoms are a normal part of the process. If you look them up in google it says they can be caused by benzo or alcohol withdrawal. It is a process and I am the sixth month and still have it. I also had complete insomnia but now that has passed as well.

 

I wish you tons of luck and I hope you will be better soon.

[[bl...]]

Finally, the wave broke. I guess complaining about it is all it took. I should complain more often. Today has been a fantastic day, even better than the string of "normal" days I had before this wave even began. I feel blessed. Here's hoping this window lasts!

[[Ma...]]

wow that is wonderful! I never had such a short wave! so I guess you are on a good way!!

[[bl...]]

LOL, it wasn't a short wave, it was over a week long! Besides, none of them seem short because you never know when they're going to end.

[[Ta...]]

So happy for you Blandthrax.

You and I are around the same time.  I'm exactly 75 days off today. 

I'm no where as bad as I was 9 weeks ago but I still don't feel like me.

It's just so hard to wake everyday and not know what is going to be thrown at me. I've had a couple of days that have been a bit more manageable but nothing brilliant.

I wish I could see myself in a years time.  We really have to learn to be patient and still do all the good things for ourselves in aiding recovery. 

I'm no where near the stage where I can plan ahead and make commitments to things.  I really long for that day where I can make these plans without any worries.  That feeling of freedom will be treasured.

The roller coaster ride is so hard and take courageous people like us to see it out to the end.  The ride will finish one day so for the moment we just have to hang on tight.

I really want to get back to teaching but I can't see it happening for a while yet. (this saddens me immensely)  I run into the parents and kids in the supermarket and they are so excited to see me.  I have to put on the "I'm fine happy face"  I told school I have a really bad viral infection/ glandular fever type sickness.  I didn't want to tell them the truth.  I was only release teaching one or two days so it's easy for me to be away.  The thing that concerns me is how do you know when your ready to test the waters again and know that we are recovered.  I've read of so many people going back to early when their roller coaster ride wasn't really over.  I don't want to be trapped in this horrendous cycle forever of not knowing.

Wishing you more days of wellness and happiness.

You deserve them so much.

Tallow Love

:smitten: :smitten:

 

[[bl...]]

So happy for you Blandthrax.

You and I are around the same time.  I'm exactly 75 days off today. 

I'm no where as bad as I was 9 weeks ago but I still don't feel like me.

It's just so hard to wake everyday and not know what is going to be thrown at me. I've had a couple of days that have been a bit more manageable but nothing brilliant.

I wish I could see myself in a years time.  We really have to learn to be patient and still do all the good things for ourselves in aiding recovery. 

I'm no where near the stage where I can plan ahead and make commitments to things.  I really long for that day where I can make these plans without any worries.  That feeling of freedom will be treasured.

The roller coaster ride is so hard and take courageous people like us to see it out to the end.  The ride will finish one day so for the moment we just have to hang on tight.

I really want to get back to teaching but I can't see it happening for a while yet. (this saddens me immensely)  I run into the parents and kids in the supermarket and they are so excited to see me.  I have to put on the "I'm fine happy face"  I told school I have a really bad viral infection/ glandular fever type sickness.  I didn't want to tell them the truth.  I was only release teaching one or two days so it's easy for me to be away.  The thing that concerns me is how do you know when your ready to test the waters again and know that we are recovered.  I've read of so many people going back to early when their roller coaster ride wasn't really over.  I don't want to be trapped in this horrendous cycle forever of not knowing.

Wishing you more days of wellness and happiness.

You deserve them so much.

Tallow Love

:smitten: :smitten:

 

 

I'm exactly 63 days off today, almost to the hour.

 

I understand exactly what you're saying. I was talking to someone the other morning about this very same issue, about being undependable and not being able to plan or commit to things. I woke up today feeling the same crappy way but I've noticed it takes around an hour for my body to adjust to being awake and upright.

 

I think it's important to push through. Yes, it's exhausting at times. It seems like all I do is push push push, but if I didn't, then I'd be in a terrible state. I can do so many more things that I couldn't do just a few months ago. Stuff I don't even think about, just getting in the car and going to get groceries, walking the dog, getting lunch with a friend. These were things I once shirked and avoided at all costs. Now I do whatever I want whenever I want. If I don't stop to consider this, then I take it for granted but even during my worst waves, the difference is remarkable.

 

Whatever happens, don't let this get you down. I'm incredibly persistent and determined. I cannot be dissuaded from my recovery. I do everything I can to push back. In a year's time, I'm convinced my life will be unrecognizable. I'm going to look back on this and with a sense of gratitude and wonder.

 

Until then, I have these wonderful windows to peer through and wonder at the beauty of the world and life.