22 months .... Psychosis? Psychotic? What is this?

[[do...]]

22 months off. I was in hell before I came off and I'm still in hell after. I think I'm psychotic or something. It's my STATE. It's swirling dark distorted detached terror filled no self surreal unreal BLACK horror. I'm unable to think AT ALL.

 

I have to work. In a restaurant. It's INTENSE.

 

I am a walking zombie.

 

Do I go back to a psych doctor? I mean this is severe stuff. I have zero quality of life. I eat one meal a day, wander around town in a stupor. Puddle about doing nothing. Go to work and battle the demons. Come home. Watch tv until 3:00am. Sleep until 2:00pm. Wake up and do it all over again. Not happening it's a severe STATE that I live in.

 

Anyone else ?

[[tr...]]

I had or have all of this .. poly drugging has murdered me

[[Sa...]]

22 months off. I was in hell before I came off and I'm still in hell after. I think I'm psychotic or something. It's my STATE. It's swirling dark distorted detached terror filled no self surreal unreal BLACK horror. I'm unable to think AT ALL.

 

I have to work. In a restaurant. It's INTENSE.

 

I am a walking zombie.

 

Do I go back to a psych doctor? I mean this is severe stuff. I have zero quality of life. I eat one meal a day, wander around town in a stupor. Puddle about doing nothing. Go to work and battle the demons. Come home. Watch tv until 3:00am. Sleep until 2:00pm. Wake up and do it all over again. Not happening it's a severe STATE that I live in.

 

Anyone else ?

 

dolphin- you have to think of the good part.  Yes there's a good part.  You can push yourself to work and who knows maybe the job is keeping you upright long enough for you to get passed this second year mark when a lot of people here say thats when they see a major turnaround.

I have the same brain damage feeling as you when its bad i walk around with my mouth open, not blinking just like a zombie, i see nothing no one, i can't hear what they're saying as i am lost somewhere inside my fears and poisonous body.

Fake it till you believe it, you have come a long way.  By your side, you're not alone. 

luv

Saraa

[[do...]]

Thank you.

[[Be...]]

The good news is that you are sleeping. Get a less stressful job if you can. Could be at the same place.

 

You were on a huge dose. You will get better but it's going to take some time.

 

Hang in there

 

 

[[Fa...]]

Are you able to get to bed earlier and up earlier? We function best on a more normal sleep schedule if possible. can you try to eat something little every two-3 hours? This will help regulate nervous system and may help you in healing. We truly do need to focus as much as we can on sleep and nutrition as they are key to healing and for the body and brain to function. Blessings.

[[Mo...]]

Nutrition: Smooth out your blood sugar by eating 3 times a day, even if you are nauseous at the thought of food... make it work for you (yummiest things you can get...that are healthy). Get a protein powder with all amino acids and sleep well to protect your dream states (your brain is trying to preserve memories and re-build gaba healthy neurons at the same time... quite a trick). This is exhausting work (hence the stupor.. you are fighting hard! Be kind to yourself every chance you get). 

 

Sensory Input: The restaurant is overstimulating. When you are there focus on breathing and the grace of your movements (how you hold things, how you walk, smile, etc).  Notice the CONTROL you have over these things.

 

Stop with the TV already. That's passive and more over-stimulation. Take the sense of body control you notice at work and apply it to something you enjoy. (Think art therapy... your fingers molding clay).

 

Then, apply this sense of control to your mind. You have choices. It doesn't seem that way because of the barrage of stimulation your brain is feeding back to you every time it has a chance. This barrage seems like it has a life of its own (like a daemon) but this is an illusion created by your mind. This "psychotic" experience is made up of lots of little components. You have already done a GREAT JOB breaking it down! "swirling dark distorted detached terror filled no self surreal unreal BLACK horror"  One small part at a time. You are the captain of your soul.

 

swirling - comes back into flow  "I will steady my mind"

dark - gives way to light "I choose to turn from the dark"

distorted - 

detached

terror

filled

...

 

You are very creative...you see it for what it is. Use your creativity to heal yourself. I'm right there with you and its working for me. Small kind choices, Gentle efforts, row row row your boat ...

 

 

 

[[Fa...]]

Mostly, great post. You are quite insightful. The teacher teaches the student what the teacher most needs to learn for himself. Always helps our own healing when we can Help bring clarity to others.

[[Mo...]]

Apologies for being so didactic. I know I sound awful but sometimes when I was "psychotic" I prayed someone would just tell me "what the hell to do"... no psychology bs. Anyhow, I will re-read it with your comment in mind. I have just recently stumbled upon the power of my volition and might be a bit over excited about it. Thanks for your kind words.

[[ba...]]

Hi Dolphins, I could have written that post myself except for the sleep, I'm lucky to get 5 or 6 hours, sometimes I get 2 hours from pain at 1 week off Gabapentin. I Tapered too fast I guess. Went from 300mg at night and 150mg mid day to cutting out daytime dose all at once and went to 200mg at night for 2 nights, 100mg for 2 nights, then quit. It's been a long week. The other dif is that I don't go anywhere. My wife goes to the store, (she buys me clothes too) she even dresses me funny but I don't mind. 

 

Sorry to hear that after being benzo free for so long you aren't fully recovered. Nobody tells you this until you find out on your own. It's always, "your doing great!" and "just hang on awhile longer". I have hung on for 15 months not counting 6 months of tapering. I even had a dr tell me I shouldn't be feeling w/d with some of the drug still in me, like 2mg should help after being on 15-20mg valium for 15 years. What a dipstick. They don't have a clue. My own daughter went to rehab for 30 days and came home on trazodone and seroquil and I didn't understand. Now I do. She is doing great and has been. That combo must be a good one.

 

I am going to keep an eye out for your posts. If you figure it out or just get feeling better, please, let me know. Even PM me if I don't see it. Please! Can't take living like this much longer. Before Valium I was always the first one out the door and would drive 1200 miles after work. Once I drove to California and back to Michigan on a 10 day vacation. We stayed there a week. It's 2500 miles each way. I left there Saturday at noon and made it back to work by 10:00 monday morning. Now it's an event just to go to Home Depot, or drive to the Doctor. How could that tiny pill steal our peace and joy? I was always "the rock" of the family. now I'm a waste of space.

 

Sorry, I know this isn't helping you. Just letting you know your not alone.

 

God Bless Dolphins,

Barry

[[Mo...]]

"Sorry, I know this isn't helping you. "

 

...i dunno.  Your a funny and honest man.  Helped me.