Did benzo withdrawal make you want to hurt yourself?

[[Ch...]]

I haven't posted for a while - some people may remember I was about to go through a trial (a claim for clinical negligence) which is now over. However, it does not feel it is really over as judgement is deferred. It could come any day. I now probably hope I lose as I see it as instant release from a situation which has pushed me to the brink. Winning risks an appeal, although I am told that is unlikely. I am also told it is unlikely I will win. All I care about it feeling better.

 

Unfortunately the stress of it all got to me a few  weeks ago and I developed an overwhelming urge one evening to bash my head against the wall. This has come and gone ever since and has become my biggest and scariest problem.

 

I just want to to go away and every day feels like a fight for survival. I have had maybe one better day that encouraged me I could feel better. I have some counselling support in place and more in the pipeline.

 

Otherwise, I am struggling to believe I can get through this. I don't know  either how much I should put it down to the benzos and how much is me. I think all I can safely say is that the combination of the two has done this.

 

A member of staff at the mental health centre that referred me for counselling said that this is my reaction to overwhelming distress and despair. Thinking back I have had these feelings, fleetingly, before now, but not to an extent that bothered me. it is just how I am wired. Sometimes the feelings get more intense and morph go beyond into an overwhelming pressure in my head that makes me want to scream.

 

I feel I have to accept that recovery will not be instant and learn to accept and not panic when these feelings come over me. That is gar easier said than done however.

 

Am i alone in feeling the urge to hurt myself when in withdrawal? 

 

If not, how do others deal with it?

[[fa...]]

I can relate even though it's in a different way. I have diabetes type 2 and high blood pressure. I don't watch what I eat I don't check my blood suger, I don't  check my blood pressure. I don't care anymore. I know I need to take care of myself, I don't know how to get myself going. Going to,my psych Thursday, will see if he can offer me some relief.  I do believe if we can hang on we will be ok. Hope, we need hope. Take Care and keep going. Kay

[[La...]]

It has definitely made me want to hurt myself, as in end it. I actually just spent 3 days in a psychiatric hospital because I got to the point where I worried that I would act on it. Like you, I had previously had those type of thoughts, but not to the point where it really started to feel like an option. It is solely because of the distress, pain, and fear from the withdrawal. It is completely overwhelming. I don't know how, but  I came to the conclusion that I would have to find a way to fight through this. I am struggling to find a way to cope with the fact that this will take time, and theres no way to know how much. That is the hardest part of this, really. My symptoms are very debilitating to the point where it is very difficult to walk or do anything for myself. so far my only ways of coping are finding ways to distract myself and pass time, like reading or watching tv. Ive realized I can't shut myself in and be isolated anymore

[[GA...]]

I feel the pressure every day.  My life is really overwhelmed by financial stress and the inability to work because my symptoms of depression and anxiety are so bad, I literally shake all day, and by hurt myself, yes I do, but in the worst way, ie I think about suicide hours every day.  I so wish I mad the old me back, but I keep finding dead end after dead end.  I have not posted much, as it is so much just to type because I shake so bad.  I have high bp, but am on an SSRI and bp meds as well as 4mg/day xanax, but nothing seems to improve at this point.  I see my primary Dr tomorrow, and pray she can offer to help me stay on the taper.  I am on xanax from a retired doctor, and I have a few hundred mg left but my primary wouldn't prescribe me any.  I gave her a copy of the Ashton manual, I hope she will help.  The few people I have told of my suicidal thoughts just make me feel worse, say I'm selfish or weak and bad.  So now I'm boxed into a corner with no-one to talk to about my urge.  For me, I think it's both the stress of life and all my financial problems coupled with the benzo addiction.  I hope your life smooths out, and removing the stresses of your judgement may help.  I would settle for a small studio apartment and a part time job that I could work with my anxiety, but my fiance is blind to the real fate of our financial crisis.  She thinks it's all just the benzos, but I feel like they are only half the problem.  I called the suicide hotline, but they didn't help, and made me feel like I would be visited but the police, so I tried not to give them much information.  I hope your stress subsides.  PM me if you want.

[[La...]]

Gaba transmitter, I wouldn't recommend getting off of 4 mg of xanax in 3 months. I was on the same dose and I did it in 5 months and am now having debilitating muscle symptoms in my legs. I wish I had gone much slower with the taper

[[Ch...]]

Thankyou everyone for your replies and I am sorry that you are all gong through similar trauma.

 

Like Laura, hospitalisation has been mentioned as an option. I hope it does it come to that but if it does. I know how scary this thing feels and how bi g a train it is living every day fighting this battle and having to win. Like you I can only pray it will pass sooner rather than later and I think Laura are right that we have to accept it could be a while before it is better. I do believe it is a reaction to overwhelming distress too. 

 

Gaba, I can fully relate to what you are saying also. It seems we are in the sane position of benzo w/d + overwhelming stress = tipping into these thoughts.

 

I was not sure whether I should post what I did but it's the reality of my experience and has similarities to that of others so I believe it is of value.