Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[gi...]]

Hi Leslie,

Symptoms have been known to come and go, new symptoms can come on, you just never know. The thing to remember is that symptoms go away. If you find yourself with insomnia, remind yourself that even "normal" people can't sleep sometimes, either, and have some Sleepytime Tea, relaxation music, etc., standing by just in case.  The thing not to do is worry about it. Worrying about it will make it happen and cause anxiety you just don't need to have.  Trust me, I went off ambien in December after being on sleep meds for 25 years. I often sleep hard only for 2-4 hours a night. Lately I'm lucky to get 2 hours, and still, I'm actually functioning. I used to think I'd die if I didn't get 7-8 hours. The point is, I don't sweat it. I just lay there with my relaxation music and pretend I'm asleep.When my body's ready, it lets go. So... just relax.

 

 

Hi Marina,

You had a craving so you had a few chips? Any amount you put in your system is being gobbled hungrily by your CNS. You're delaying your healing every time you take any benzos. Why have any still around?  You're still very early in your w/d. Just hang in there, OK? And lose those chips! 

 

 

ginger

 

[[Ma...]]

POTATO CHIPS  :laugh: I ate some potato chips, I don't have any V. around. Thanks Ginger.

m

[[ve...]]

I posted some of this on my blog today but will report here as well.   I'm six months off and I can officially report that I feel as "lousy" today as I did "pre benzo" two years ago when I first contemplated taking a benzo for anxiety and insomnia.  Maybe this is a kind of progress?  I was thinking this last few days that the anxiety and sleeplessness that I have been experiencing this week is very similar to how it was the month before I left on that fateful three week trip with a bottle of blue pills in my backpack in June 2008. Two years ago, I was planning a big trip with my elderly father who wanted all his kids and grandkids to travel together.  Many of you know that my sibling and I do not get along.  The stress of being the "responsible" one to plan all lodging, travel and tours, be primary caregiver for my dad on the trip... and then be criticized for most everything, plus neverending demands and attacks, the anticipation of being stuck on a cruise ship for a week with my older brother and his wife led me eventually to taking my first benzo.  

 

I don't blame benzos for the anxiety and sleep troubles that I am currently experiencing.  I take responsibility for making the decision to try the valium in the first place, though I did not get the best advice from my (former) internist about dose and how to taper off it when I returned from my trip.  I am six months post taper now and feel like most of the withdrawal "should be" gone by now.  Aside from some occasional light headedness, intermittent high blood pressure, some GI problems now and again, things seem to be returning to "normal".  But what is normal? The funny thing is that during my 10 month taper last year and during the worst levels of anxiety, I looked forward to a day off benzos where peace might be found.  

 

Yet was all that work just to feel as lousy as I did those weeks prior to taking that first benzo?  I can't help but wonder if there isn't something more, a better way.  I know I will never take another benzo to cover up reality or life's inevitable hardships.   Life has its shares of ups and downs and I guess that's the way it is.   I can relate to some who have said they are tired of "feeling tired" and revved up much of the time.   No question that the body may still be in "overdrive" at six months post taper and I remain hopeful that this is just a temporary wave due to circumstances.  When some event like a family trip, job change, relationship trouble,  medical problem, illness or illness in a family member, or a death comes up, that stress seems to pile up hard and fast.  I don't wish to feel like a victim to benzos any longer, yet a part of me believes some of this is partly due to a nervous system that is still stabilizing after taking valium for a year.

 

Sorry to rant.  Just having a bad week I guess.  Will you share some of those chips Marina?

 

Onward!

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

[[Ma...]]

They're PATATO CHIPS, POTATO CHIPS, this is too funny.

 

Ok, V (NM), you've helped me so much maybe I can help you a little. Sorry, but 6 months is nothing. At 6 months, if you feel normal, or better, that's AB FAB but it takes a good two years for the brain to heal, period. That's what my best wd doc said and with everything I've heard about the people I know who are even a year out, it's true.

Even if you felt great, you would still be healing. You are more susceptible to stress now, you are. A return of previous sxs (pre-benzos) IS normal, and with all the stress you're undergoing, I'm guessing, if I were a professional who had a clue, predictable. There is no other way, no better way than the way you're doing it and that is to remaing completely drug free till you heal. I know some people get to a point where they feel they have to take something to mitigate wd and I'm not criticising anyone, I'm not, we do what we have to do, but idealy, it's best not to, obviously.

 

So, again, you're doing amazingly well, you really are, both physically and emotionally in the way you're handling it  and this... is.... all.... normal... for... us :D

 

Be well, Take It Easy!!!

xxm

[[pe...]]

Hi Vertigo,

 

I am right behind you...will be six months off June 9.  And I still don't feel great, either.

 

So I can totally relate to your feelings of:  "hey, all this time and effort, and this is what I get??" ... "will this ever end??" ..."I feel as bad as I did before I took my first benzo!" ...etc...etc...etc...

 

At this point I don't really have any advice...all I can say right now is that I know how you feel..and misery loves company, right?

 

I have a few good hours every now and then.  But it's just not what I was expecting after all the effort of w/d and doing all the right things...no alcohol, no caffeine, avoiding stressful situations when I can...

 

So what to do???

 

I am planning to go to see a psychiatrist (I know that sounds strange, since the psyche is the one who got me into this mess)....but.....I am going to see someone who specializes in benzos and addictions.

I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY MORE MEDS...THAT IS FOR SURE!!!!!  But I would like to hear what he has to say about the w/d's and s/x's and see if he can shed some light.  Who knows, at this point I

may know more than he does..so I can teach him something.  I am open and willing to learn what ever I can about this whole deal.

 

I do feel better at times, so I guess that means I am healing.  But I am getting impatient about this whole process and want to know if there is anything else I need to be doing.

 

Guess we better just hang in there and ride it out.  Two years?  That is not what I was planning on!!  UGH!!

 

Thinking of you!

Tish

[[Ma...]]

Don't want to scare anyone!!! Again, you might feel great, normal, have zero sxs, but you're still healing for at least two years. Most people by the end of that time don't even notice the healing but it's going on.

 

I know, I hate the idea myself.

m

[[pa...]]

Hi everyone!

Just stoping by... I'm working again tonight to make some extra money. This means I'll be staying up late for 2 nights in a row. I don't care for the hours (4:15pm-2:45am), but I do enjoy my job and I get along so well with the people I work with. It's funny, but I continue to work at the same place as I was working before, just in a different position. It's the same government agency, just a different branch of that agency. The branch I used to work for is down the hall and I often see these people as I'm making my rounds at the plant. I've had several co-workers tell me that things aren't getting any better there. In fact, I had a former supervisor once ask me half jokingly if I could get him a job working where I'm working!!!

What's nice about my current job is that I do my tasks through the evening (or morning depending in when I'm working), and I work independently. I am certified to do poultry grading. I got my certificate and passed my test right about the time I took my last dose of valium, wew!! Sometimes, my supervisor may do a visit with me and check on my grading to do a comparitive. But this only happens once every 3 months. Other than that, I'm on my own. I get along so well with others in the plant. I'ts really nice to finally be in a situation where I'm not dealing with confrontation anymore!

Vertigo, how well do I recognize what is bothering you right now! I would say that some of this is due to withdrawal but some to do with ongoing issues with your brother... He sounds very similar to my sister in some ways. My sister has been a hard core alcoholic for many years. She takes delight in spreading misery. I once got a phone message from her saying,''I just wanted you to know that I'm dying and that I love you... goodbye!!!" She also made it a point to spread lies about me during her stay at my dad's house. She called my g-parents and told them a bunch of things with the result that I got a call from them telling me that I had to face facts and stop doing what I was doing. Of course, I had no idea what they were talking about until after I called them and figured out that my sister had been spreading lies again. To this day, my grandpa will not talk to me and the last time we visited there, he wouldn't even adress my children. They had even gone out of their way to make drawings for him!

I have found that the best way to deal with 'poisonous relatives' is to keep a distance. There are some people in the family who I just can't have a relationship with right now. Perhaps, this won't be forever, but the reality is, it's completely up to them! They've had their fun, but they are NOT going to destroy my life any longer!

Anyway, I do hope that your situation eases. The irony in all of this is that your brother is truly the one with the problem, not you! It just manifests in you having the symptoms! Believe me, I speak from experience when it comes to this kind of thing!

You are continuing to journal and not deny your feelings. You recognize what the issues truly are. You have done 110% to see that your Dad has a comfortable life to the end. I commend you for this!!! One final thing, just don't go back to your brother for more torture (as you mention in the other blog), OK? I care about you vertigo, and I just don't want to see you continue to be hurt!

Yours is a complicated situation, but things will settle in time. In the long run, your brother is the one who's going to be facing a really hard life if he doesn't get his act together! That kind of behavior eventually leads to one's own self-destruction! Of course, I don't wish your brother any ill-will. It really is up to him! I will pray for your situation, vertigo! You have done so well overcoming things and I believe you will go far!!

Hope everyone has a great week!!!

[[ve...]]

Many thanks Marina, Tish, Pange and the rest.  I think I have to agree that healing is still going on in this next phase (6 months to a year).  I feel improvements in some areas, mostly cognitive and with sleep, yet still frustrating to get those occasional cog fog light headed moments, the oscillation of anxiety and fatigue throughout the day...  I really do feel that my nervous system is still trying to reset or stabilize in some way.  When stressful situations come up, I even still feel occasional tingling in the area above my eye and forehead where I had Shingles at beginning of the year.  Apparently it is not uncommon to still experience nerve pain for many months. I also feel that Spring allergies and caffeine withdrawal can be part of the problem since I have always had pretty strong allergies and am pretty much off caffeine now (it revs me up too much).  Make no mistake, tobacco and caffeine are drugs!   Pange, you are like my soul brother.  I know you have struggled with dysfunctional family too. They don't go away after the last benzo, eh? .   Sorry to hear about your sister and situation with your grandfather.  I worry that my brother's deceitful lies will get to my father too.  I guess the best we can do is have faith that it will work itself out in the end.  I agree, letting it destroy our lives is not going to happen.  On some level, I think it is ignorance more than anger that fuels the conflict.  Congrats on the new job working out by the way.  I think its amazing to be able to make that kind of transition while still in withdrawal.  So my hats off to you .  

 

Tish, thanks for your kind remarks.  I hope that you find some answers from your meeting with your (new) psychiatrist.  As you said, I tend to think that we as "patients" sometimes have more intimate knowledge and experience of side effects and consequences of using and tapering this "medication".  Don't be surprised if a psychiatrist's "answer" or "advice" is to prescribe something else.  It's what they do for a living.  Glad you feel that despite the ups and downs, that you (like me) feel some level of healing is taking place.  "Feeling as bad as before taking the first benzo" may be part of the process!  Afterall, most of us took a benzo for a reason so is it not reasonable to be faced with similar challenges once off the benzo?  

 

I can't help but think that there is a better way of coping with stress and anxiety, or whatever symptoms arise, as healing goes on.  I know that some have benefited from CBT, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, exercise, dietary changes, reflection, potato chip consumption ...

 

I personally feel that getting better sleep the last couple months (the last week excluded) is also important in terms of providing the body with some deep rest.  I've commented before, that within the word "depression" is deep rest(t).   Sometimes that can be helpful although a balance must be found (IMO) to get back out in the world too.  I think it is "normal" to feel impatient after six months, some folks understandably feel frustrated after a few weeks or months, with the "slower than expected process" of healing.  Yes, I will try to hang in there and ride it out, that's pretty much what there is to do,  or just be.

 

Cheers,

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

[[gi...]]

POTATO CHIPS  :laugh: I ate some potato chips, I don't have any V. around. Thanks Ginger.

m

 

OH THAT'S TOO FUNNY!!!!!!! I see people write they take nibbles/chips from pills and so I thought...! Oh crack me up!

[[gi...]]

I'm six months off and I can officially report that I feel as "lousy" today as I did "pre benzo"

 

 But what is normal? The funny thing is that during my 10 month taper last year and during the worst levels of anxiety, I looked forward to a day off benzos where peace might be found.  

 

Yet was all that work just to feel as lousy as I did those weeks prior to taking that first benzo?  

 

When some event like a family trip, job change, relationship trouble,  medical problem, illness or illness in a family member, or a death comes up, that stress seems to pile up hard and fast.  I don't wish to feel like a victim to benzos any longer, yet a part of me believes some of this is partly due to a nervous system that is still stabilizing after taking valium for a year.

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

Ditto.

Except the CNS isn't stabilizing, it's healing. Healing takes longer.

Klonopin: 22 months of my life.

PWS: 17 months and counting.

Odds ain't looking too good that the former will wind up being shorter than the latter.

 

[[pe...]]

Vertigo, Ginger, Pangelingua.....just glad we are all in this together.

 

Sometimes I stop and think....."what would I be doing if I didn't have my benzobuddies to talk to...to understand....to give me advice and encouragement....to make me realize that this is all just part of the process??"

 

Who knows...I just know that it makes it so much easier to deal with all of this suffering knowing that others have been through and are going through the same thing.

 

I am very discouraged these days.  The anxiety is getting worse...guess I'm just going back to where I started 3 years ago.  And I am just having a hard time understanding why...I am and have been doing all

the right things for 6 months!!  Why am I not moving forward???  Maybe a visit with a new psychiatrist could help shed some light on all of this for me.

 

Thank you all......you are terrific people, I can just tell.  Your compassion shines through on this forum.

 

We'll all hang in!

Tish

[[st...]]

percussion, it is just the way benzo w/d's work.  I agree that one can become discouraged but if you get a mindset to think that it will take awhile for healing to happen it will make things so much easier.  I do see that you are hanging in there.....good for you.  I got hit pretty hard at the 7th month mark.....and many members do, too, around that time.  You should be moving forward soon.  There isn't one thing a psychiatrist can tell you that you don't already know, IMO.  Our brain has been fried.  Best wishes.

 

Patty  xo

[[pe...]]

Thank you Patty.

 

Yes, I must keep reminding myself that my brain has been fried!

Good way to put it!

 

Percussion (aka Tish)

 

 

[[cu...]]

Tish,

 

Though you cannot see, you ARE moving forward. You are healing no matter how you feel! IMO a psychiatrist is just there to put an acid coated bandaid over the original problem. They will kill you if you let them.

[[Me...]]

So if our brain is fried...How does it repair itself when they say brain cells cant be repaired ?  Is it not the cells we are letting repair ??  Nerve cells           Never thought this b4   

[[cu...]]

Our brains are not literally fried. Stoneyco just meant this as a figure of speech. Most of the problems from withdrawal are due to chemical imbalance. There are many on the board who are healed 100%, proof that it's not permanent. I myself am experiencing a dramatic turnaround in my symptoms in the last week...again...more proof that it's not permanent.

 

 

[[gi...]]

Yes, Tish, our brains have been damaged but receptors do regenerate. It's like they were atrophied from not being used. Only 15-30% of benzo users get develop, and only 10% of them have protracted withdrawal symptoms (3+ years).  While that's cold comfort for all of us with PWS, it does offer some solace that the chances of any of us going for more than 3 years are pretty slim.  I've only "met" 5 or so people who are more than 2 years out.

 

So stay positive.

 

ginger

 

PS - Drug-induced tinnitus seems to be extremely long-lasting, if not permanent, from the research I've done.

[[pe...]]

Cupcake and Ginger...

 

Thank you for your positive input here....really like hearing what you have to say.  Esp. the 10% that go on for more than 3 years....glad to know it's just a few....and hope I'm not in that percentage!

 

It does make so much sense, what y'all have to say.  And I would love to hear more from those who are 100%!!  Looking so forward to being there.

 

Today was a little better at times....proof of healing, right??

 

Thank you all.....like I said before....how could we do this without our benzobuddies?

 

Tish

[[Ma...]]

Hi Guys, it's a rough night. Emotionally. I feel so out of touch. The self critical voice is merciless, no wonder I'm anxious, who could listen to this negative prattle and not get upset. I think I'm going to have to find some way to get my act together and heal at the same time cause I'll either bring myself up or bring myself down, if that makes any sense. Hardly any sleep last night no doubt half the problem, the rest is being just so sic and tired of thinking about it and feeling it and dealing with it. "IT IT IT", so tedious. So, I'm venting. I figure if I can't do it here, where we're all going through the same (to a point) thing then where. Trying to maintain a positive attitude so I'm faking it most of the time. It's the better way right now.

I thought I should probably do this on my blog but I was wondering if that awful self condemnation thing is anything anyone else at this end of the bargain has or is going through/ Seriously, I can't catch a break (with myself!! *with, from??? I used to speak English).

Uhhgggg.

m

 

 

[[Me...]]

Marina this is the "post w/d SUPPORT GROUP " so its all ok...good and bad....vent..help..whatever.  I understand you completely..the whole thinking about "it " constantly...Its hard not to when u feel like "shi% "  so often      And Cupcake I know Stoneyco was not serious on the brain fry thing...it just got me to thinking about a commercial that used to be on where 2 eggs were frying in a pan....U know..This is your brain on drugs commercial....    And REALLY wondered for the first time...How does our brain so called REPAIR itself if it has been said our brain cells supposively dont repair or regenerate   Chemical imbalance ....how does it repair that   I was totally feeling about 80 % ..then these last few weeks I am so far out in left field it isnt funnny !!  And it isnt going away so far..Never had this many days in a row of no window whatsoever       On the POSITIVE.....  I went to my sons school meeting...then awards ceremony...grocery store...book club with the gals....  feeling like POOP the entire time       

[[...]]

Hi Mel and All....

 

Yes, I agree this is the place for us to 'let it all hang out' so to speak.... say what you are feeling, worries and concerns etc etc....

 

I find the worst part of this whole journey is the fear that it not withdrawal but really who we are underneath it all, so it so helps me to come here and talk to people at all different parts of their post taper healing and know that I am not the only one struggling with symptoms etc at 6 months out...

 

Mel, I too have been off for the past 5 days or so after a bit of stress seems to have sent me into a tailspin, I was also about 80-90% for a good month before this detour, even riding rollercoasters at theme parks with my kids, but today it was all I could do to get up and dressed and get them both to school on time....what a difference a few days can make in this process right.  It does prove to me though that my CNS is healing from the benzo's still cos if it was what I am really like I would be like it all day everyday, not in such apparent waves of bad followed by days of feeling normal... 

 

Wishing you all well today and hoping that brighter days are just around the corner again for all of us.

 

Mxxxx

[[pe...]]

Hey Marina......yes....we are here to listen to the good and the bad!!  That is what this blog is all about....SUPPORTING EACH OTHER...FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE!!

And the constant worry about "it, it, it"  My motto has been "FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT."   

 

MAA.....I have had the exact same thoughts lately....I'm almost 6 months off and still feeling lousy so much of the time....is this just the real me that I'm gonna have to be with forever?

But then I am encouraged by others here who say that it is the healing.  So I feel better about the whole thing.

 

Mel...know what you mean about going to all the school things which are so much fun...but feeling awful really makes it difficult to enjoy!!

 

Here's to a great Memorial Day weekend!!!  And feeling like our old selves again!!

 

Tish

[[ho...]]

Hi all

 

Well, some here now finally something showed up in my bloodwork, my iron count is very low! ive been posting , and talking til im blue in the face, lol about my extreme fatigue! i just knew deep down in my heart, something was being missed... stupid doctors! been suffering for sooo many many months.. basically non funcitioning and being low on iron ! isnt fun! my count was  a 15, and norm is 50-150 for a female.. yikess.

so, one week today, been on iron supplement pills, eating foods enriched in iron, and taking liquid iron, i sure hope this is the trick.

 

IF I COULD GET OVER THIS FATIGUE HURDLE, i will be lauging ! this has been the worst thing for me! at least if i had energy i could function normally on a daily basis.

 

Going to my natureopath monday, to talk bout this.. etc...and get some more ideas on getn my health back on track...

 

having hard time w sleep again, and that isnt helpn things w my fatigue!

 

thanks for listening hope

 

[[pa...]]

Hi buddies!!

I'm at home these next 2 days so I have some more time to post the forum. I worked Mon night and Tues night with the result that I didn't get much sleep either nights... I was in a kind of 'cog fog' the last couple of days. last night, I went to sleep at 10:30pm and didn't get up until 8:00am. Had some wakings towards the end, but otherwise, I feel better rested.

I am over 3 months off now and I still think that my biggest challenge is extra sensitivity to stress. Having an irregular bedtime can sure trigger it. The other thing that can trigger it is when the kids misbehave. Sometimes, I wish my kids would get older real fast, but I know that when they do, I'll be wishing they were younger! My wife and I are looking for more ways that they can be out of the house such as invitations to friends houses. Most of the time they fight, it's because they're boared and the other isn't playing the way the one wants them to. Oh, the joys of children!!

Anyway, I do notice that most of my symptoms will pop up latter in the day when they're home. Mostly some mild burning or tingling that can affect my head or legs. I can also turn into a grouchy daddy. Perhaps this last symptom is just a case of being a parent!

I can see fellow parents here talking about school functions. We went to a spring program last week. The elementary school classes were singing songs that they've been practicing in their music class. I tried to take some videos, but the batteries were low on the camera and it wouldn't work. Oh well, always next year!

So glad to see that everyone is continuing to post here!! Expressing your feelings is very important! Feelings should never be locked up! This is part of what contributes to anxiety is not having a way to express them. Also, cupcake has a wonderful posting on positive thinking. There is a thread she and another member started on DP/DR and she includes a link to the site there. I would highly recommend it to anyone, especially those of you who are going through depression right now. Very uplifting and some really good coping strategies there!!

As I look at the last few posts, I can see that there are a lot of you who are struggling with symptoms. My heart goes out to all of you!! I feel right now like I've reached a point that my symptoms are manageable, except when I'm under stress. Perhaps this is the way it is for most of you also. I wouldn't worry about any permanent damage to the brain! Our brains and bodies have a remarkable resiliency to them! The only reason they changed to begin with was that they were trying to adapt to the presence of these drugs in our system. One has to admire the beauty of how are brain and bodies were created even if they don't feel well all the time!

Thanks also to perc and vertigo for your kind thoughts!! Yes, I have accomplished a lot these last few months. Still have a ways to go!

Wishing everyone here many good windows and a happy rest of the week!!

[[pe...]]

Hope...sooo glad that you found the root of your fatigue problem!!!  Low iron can be helped, and I'll bet you will feel like a new person when your iron gets back in normal range.

The fatigue from low iron is crippling....as you well know...hope for the best for you get your energy back!!!

 

Tish