My brain has no brakes....

[[Je...]]

This is the reason for the morning weepiness, I'm in ID withdrawal and my emotions are all over the place.

It's the reason I crash at the grocery store, because my mind has ran thru it's store of neurotransmitters.

It's the reason my brain feels overstimulated...at times.

 

My brain no longer has brakes of it's own...

[[be...]]

Jerry:

 

I think the longer you stay on it, the worse it will get. I see from your sig that you have been holding for quite a while. You seem to be ruminating a lot. A lot.  hugs, Bets

[[Je...]]

Yes, I have an active brain. 

[[...]]

In my personal opinion, surmised from a lot of lurking and a bit of posting here, the majority of people that come to these boards enjoy using their brains. To communicate ideas, to reinforce thought patterns, to see different points of view, to understand processes.

 

Unfortunately, this can also be a bad thing when negative emotions are involved. One does not get into bad states without limited and repetitive thought patterns. It seems as if this is a classic and universal truth of all of the conditions related to coming off our drug of choice (or lack thereof).

 

Occupy yourself, and cut ritually. Even if it's pure horror. Which it is for most of us. It won't get better otherwise. Imagine we don't do this, and all end up on 20mg xanax or 1000mg diazepam. It would be horrendous. We don't have a choice but to suffer, just like so many others.

[[be...]]

Yes, I have an active brain.

 

Well, at least you are not a dead head like I am. Bets

[[Je...]]

Twin brother has been on 5 mg of Xanax for 25 years with no dose escalation.

He found a dose that is right for him, and that's where he's stayed.

He's currently in much better shape than I am. 

 

To blame all psychological conditions on Benzodiazepines, is naive. 

 

My problem is I don't WANT to be dependent upon Xanax.  It pisses me off to have to take this pill.

 

I do believe there are people that can take them long term..  I don't think it's the best choice, but it happens.

 

 

In my personal opinion, surmised from a lot of lurking and a bit of posting here, the majority of people that come to these boards enjoy using their brains. To communicate ideas, to reinforce thought patterns, to see different points of view, to understand processes.

 

Unfortunately, this can also be a bad thing when negative emotions are involved. One does not get into bad states without limited and repetitive thought patterns. It seems as if this is a classic and universal truth of all of the conditions related to coming off our drug of choice (or lack thereof).

 

Occupy yourself, and cut ritually. Even if it's pure horror. Which it is for most of us. It won't get better otherwise. Imagine we don't do this, and all end up on 20mg xanax or 1000mg diazepam. It would be horrendous. We don't have a choice but to suffer, just like so many others.

 

 

Edit: changed name in quote

[[Be...]]

Did he start at 5mgs?

[[Je...]]

Did he start at 5mgs?

 

No he started at 2.5, but he has been on 1mg since 1993.

 

I'm not saying this is the best option, but it works for him. 

[[Ch...]]

I have a friend who's been on the same low dose of a sleeping pill for years.  It still works for her and she doesn't have any noticeable tolerance symptoms.  Go figure. 

[[Be...]]

I just like to know what others experiences are.

 

5mgs of Xanax is a bunch.  I remember when I started .5 knocked me out.  Towards the end .5mgs wouldn't touch me.

[[sp...]]

JerryK I understand your feelings.  It took me a few years of battling with conflicting thoughts.. should I make life easier and stay on a benzo forever?  Why suffer?  But remember a tolerance builds and you may end up having to take more.  I had to REALLY decide for SURE that pills weren't for me and I wanted to be free of them.  I follow the work of Dr. Peter Breggin, he is not as well versed in dealing with benzo withdrawals and tapers but he really knows his way around antidepressants.  He has published some great works if you google his name. 

 

The no brakes is a normal feeling during the taper.  Did you also feel this way while on the full dose? Some of us (me included) are wired and we have an extra stimulated brain that doesn't quit  

 

YOU have to decide if you want to be off the pill or if you are more comfortable on it.  Tapering starts with a very firm decision.  I visualized myself "cutting the cord"  to the pill.  Each night I see it as a tiny piece of poison that I am slowly eliminating. 

 

You also have to be psychologically ready for the next cut.  It's easy to plateau and get stuck.  You might still be having symptoms but are due for the next cut.  It's a horrible in between place. 

 

My taper has been fast .  It doesn't work for some .  That's why we all have our own schedules.  I figured if I was going to suffer, I may as well stick to a strict taper.  In just a few short weeks I have tapered down by 2/3.  What helps is I feel I am gaining my old self back.  I felt numb around my kids for a long time and almost disinterested or detached from them.  Thank GOD I realized it was the fog created by the pill and lately I have reformed my bond with them.  I'm even seeing my ex in a better light lol. 

 

If you are on the fence about tapering it will be tough to proceed.  The decision must be absolute and once it is, you will feel some of the fear dissipate.  But you have to make a firm decision first . 

[[Je...]]

I was witness to someone committing suicide because their Benzo taper was too much to bear.

I don't want to be that person. 

 

The advice on here is good and well intentioned, but there is an elephant in the room.

That elephant is not one size fits all.  That all mental health problems are NOT caused by

Benzodiazepines and that tapering off them will magically cure you.

 

Now I want off of Xanax.  I don't like it.  I hate being on it.  BUT I feel suicidal every morning until about noon(never would act upon this).  I know I'm not strong enough to come off right now.

 

I'm suffering from clinical depression most likely and it would be silly for me to make myself worse.

 

Now in the evenings, when I feel better, I think sure I could taper,  but it's back every morning.

 

If someone can explain to me how you withdrawal when you feel like this, I'm all ears.  valium and Klonopin worsen my depression.

 

[[...]]

I was witness to someone committing suicide because their Benzo taper was too much to bear.

I don't want to be that person. 

 

The advice on here is good and well intentioned, but there is an elephant in the room.

That elephant is not one size fits all.  That all mental health problems are NOT caused by

Benzodiazepines and that tapering off them will magically cure you.

 

Now I want off of Xanax.  I don't like it.  I hate being on it.  BUT I feel suicidal every morning until about noon(never would act upon this).  I know I'm not strong enough to come off right now.

 

I'm suffering from clinical depression most likely and it would be silly for me to make myself worse.

 

Now in the evenings, when I feel better, I think sure I could taper,  but it's back every morning.

 

If someone can explain to me how you withdrawal when you feel like this, I'm all ears.  valium and Klonopin worsen my depression.

 

when i was 6 or so....

i saw one guy jump from 9th floor building and slamming on the solid ....

strangely i wasn't shocked when i saw that....

 

there was a lot of screaming and panicking people running around.....

 

but then again, children at this age perceive world differently....

 

 

[[be...]]

I just like to know what others experiences are.

 

5mgs of Xanax is a bunch.  I remember when I started .5 knocked me out.  Towards the end .5mgs wouldn't touch me.

 

I remember when I first went into alcohol detox and they gave me 10 mg of Valium. After 15 mins I fell to the floor and could not get up on my own. My hubby had to fill out the proper forms because I was so dazed and confused. I couldn't even sign my name so he had to sign it for me. Now at 70 mg of valium, I don't feel a thing. Go figure is right.

[[Je...]]

Do I institutionalize myself to get off?  The pain is that bad.

[[Be...]]

Do I institutionalize myself to get off?  The pain is that bad.

 

For me that's what it took.  I didn't go on my own, but that's where I ended up.  But I was ready jerry.

 

At that time I was ready to die trying.

 

I new nothing about  bb's and the information here.

 

I was total commitment.  Nothing else mattered.

 

[[Je...]]

And you are cured?  Life is great?

[[Be...]]

On a phone at work Jerry.  Distracted and hard to type on this contraption expressing how I feel today to the way I felt on Xanax. 

 

Getting off was the answer to so many questions.

 

Questions that I see you asking everyday.

 

[[Je...]]

were you depressed?

[[Be...]]

Very much over the last several years.  It's complicated and hard to type about on the phone.

 

I think you'd get it though, Jerry from what I've read from your posts.

 

How's about me Pming you this weekend when I have time and talking about some of it. 

 

Maybe talk about some of the differences on and off. 

 

Up to you.

 

 

[[Je...]]

pm away, tx!

[[sp...]]

Jerry I'm so sorry, wish I could give you a big hug.  That's very traumatic.  I lost a dear friend to suicide and I had been in his company only a few hours previous to his death. 

 

During my taper from antidepressants (which oddly enough was more horrific than benzo withdrawal for me) I wanted to die too.  I can't tell you how many days I would wake up and grief would wash over me, I would look at the clock and pray for bedtime so I could try to sleep away the pain.  This went on for a LONG time.  No one understood, not even my own mother.  If I didn't have kids I may have off'ed myself.  It was debilitating depression with NO hope.  There was nothing anyone could say or do to make me believe it would pass.  I was convinced I would live in hell forever.  I can so relate to what you are saying.  I'm not too sure when and what helped me turn a corner but the suicidal feelings and giving up on life DID go away. 

 

I have worked as a psychiatric nurse ironically enough.  The suicide hotline in our area was sadly not enough.  The phone line was often busy.  If someone was suicidal, the operator could call an ambulance or the police but they would also dispatch a crisis worker who would travel to the person and evaluate them.  The problem with this is the evaluation was often an hour long "history" which is important to obtain to get a baseline on a person but if someone is in acute crisis, a questionaire is not as valuable or effective as fast, comforting interventions to ensure their safety. 

 

Being institutionalized or hospitalized had its own problems too.  People were admitted to the hospital (and hopefully it was one that specialized in psychiatric crises because believe it or not there are some hospitals that are staffed by ER physicians who have had no experience with psych other than a rotation in school.

 

"Suicide care"  usually consisted of a 48 to 72 hour supervised watch, a brief meeting with a doctor and a list of community resources .  Possibly being placed on medications and then discharged with a few phone numbers  but very little follow up from hospital staff.  Only instructions to call the same suicide line if the feelings came back. 

 

Detox centers could be summarized as a few day long medically supervised taper from medications.  They were pretty brutal.  People were admitted, stripped of meds/benzos (while being given other meds to counter the withdrawal symptoms), and then discharged from the center with a paper bag of various antidepressants and a reminder card to follow up in six weeks. 

 

I know this because I worked within the community and this is what we had available to us.  Hopefully your community has more help or resources available. 

 

I'm not discouraging you from institutional care, you need to do what you feel is for you.  I was just very disappointed about how acute emergencies were handled in my community. 

[[Je...]]

I admire professionals that have experienced the ailment they treat.  There are not enough of them.

 

You make it sound safer to stay on the Xanax..seriously.