Good idea to make a break in your life?

[[ma...]]

I feel sick. I feel nervous and afraid almost the 99% of the time.  I cannot speak properly. I have to work full time everyday in an horrible marketing environment, and I feel dumb and insignificant. I feel like my life is being wasted. I'm not in my place. But at the same time, I just want to make time pass, without do too many changes, cause I know we basically need time. I don't look for a better job cause I'm waiting to be me to do it. I don't want to date anyone cause I feel like I'm the worse company right now. I feel small, ugly, awfully insecure. If I meet someone I need alcohol, to feel uninhibited. But I don't drink since October and I'm afraid of the consequences now. So I avoid any date. I'm waiting to heal and be me, or the best me that probably I've never been. Is really a good idea to wait, to try to be calm, not many emotions? But how to control that. Sometimes I think maybe find love could help me. But, how I will be able to find love, or a nice job, during the w/d? I'm unable to see myself like a strong person. I don't know If I will never be, actually. I feel terrible. Today I had such an intensive headache, nauseam, sadness. In the work has been awful, I just wanted to disappear. Go home and go into bed. But I hanged on, I always do at the end. And on the bus or the train, when I look through the window, my heart starts being full of tears. I feel so overwhelmed. It moves me. I think in me, in myself, going alone through this, removing this drug from me, thinking that I don't take this poison four times per day anymore. And I'm here, I'm surviving.

 

Maybe I just should still waiting. Hanging on...

 

 

[[Fa...]]

Makurasakua,

 

My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. And can just envision you as you try to get through your day. I think we all feel much the same. It is a tough journey but we all have to have hope and know this will not last forever.  You will be better than before one day!  I think this is a good time to nurture yourself but don't isolate.  Maybe friends and family are good right now and love will come later.  However, if faint happens, let it!

 

Are you Japanese?  What dies Makurasakua mean?

[[lo...]]

Hi Makurasakua

 

I agree with Faith.  You are doing well to keep going to work during this so well done!!    I know you hate it but it shows that you are stronger than you may think.  You are sensible not to make major changes right now. The most important thing is to get well. Everything else can wait.  When you start to feel better you will feel more positive about yourself.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[An...]]

You won't believe how much courage you're showing just by holding yourself together.  It's insanely demanding on the body to go through all the physical and mental stresses of withdrawal.

[[Ro...]]

I too work full time and it's been hard as heck getting off of the stuff.

 

It is best to wait at this time- you yourself said it- "I'm not in my place. But at the same time, I just want to make time pass, without do too many changes, cause I know we basically need time. "

 

You are mature enough to understand what you need to do to take care of  yourself. And  you are correct- drinking alcohol would cause you too many problems and delay your eventual recovery.

 

"But I hanged on, I always do at the end. And on the bus or the train, when I look through the window, my heart starts being full of tears. I feel so overwhelmed. It moves me. I think in me, in myself, going alone through this, removing this drug from me, thinking that I don't take this poison four times per day anymore. And I'm here, I'm surviving.

 

Maybe I just should still waiting. Hanging on..."

 

This tells me that YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON.

 

And you can do this. If someone is asking you out- tell them what you've told us. If they're scared away, they're not worthy of you.  If they wish to help, that could be the person you're looking for.

 

I know alcohol is a social lubricant for any dating in just about anywhere. Tell them why you don't want to drink alcohol. If they can respect that and take your needs and feelings into account and choose to not drink alcohol to stand with you- then you've got a friend who will respect you and have your back.

 

You are a good person and you will succeed in overcoming this Benzo.

[[ca...]]

I dont know, but when i read your post i envisioned a GIANT.  You are not small, or insignificant or feeble.  You and all of us here are the definition of strength.  You wanting to look for love means you embrace love with your heart.  That is your core self.  Dont forget that you are in there.  Just hang tight and you will reunite with you again.  Life will feel beautiful again.  Today i drove on a busy street as the sun was going down.  I was stuck in traffic but gosh darn it that sunset hit every fibre of my being.  I never thought i'd feel this again but the feeling is better than i could ever remember!  Keep the faith and be the warrior you are!

[Guest [Lu...]]

We jumped on the same day! And yes I'm going through the constant fear and anxiety 99% of the time now too. I'm making small goals to get through. 45 days, 60 days, 90 days, etc.

[[An...]]

I dont know, but when i read your post i envisioned a GIANT.  You are not small, or insignificant or feeble.  You and all of us here are the definition of strength.  You wanting to look for love means you embrace love with your heart.  That is your core self.  Dont forget that you are in there.  Just hang tight and you will reunite with you again.  Life will feel beautiful again.  Today i drove on a busy street as the sun was going down.  I was stuck in traffic but gosh darn it that sunset hit every fibre of my being.  I never thought i'd feel this again but the feeling is better than i could ever remember!  Keep the faith and be the warrior you are!

 

Touche.  During my entire withdrawal so far, I haven't been thinking about love or dreams or hopes.  I've just been concentrating on checking off the days until I feel fully myself again, concentrating on breathing during panic attacks, sleeping well, gathering the courage to do simple errands like going to the grocery store in spite of my new friend agoraphobia, and despairing over silly things like hair loss.  Nothing in my life is in perspective right now, even getting a good night's sleep is a great blessing.

[[ma...]]

oh i've read the answers now, really thank you all you touched me. it's so great to have you there, helps so much. i explain sometimes what i'm going through to some friends, family, and i think nobody can understand it but you. thanks to telling me that i'm strong, sometimes i forget! but i feel so... insecure all the time.

 

that's the thing... i'm suffering, physical and mentally, but at the same time since i decided to stop having benzos i feel with so much desire to live. Maybe more than ever. i see myself in this last 6 years, and i just can see myself like a little kitten wet and scared. Always looking at the other people, comparing myself, feeling inferior. When I listen other people of my age (31), friends or workmates, talking about their lifes... past or present, i feel like if i've been wasting my life. Of course I have nice experiences, but i realize the most of them were stained of alcohol/deshinibition moments with friends/lovers, etc. or in my regular life with the benzos robe... I cannot see who I was or who I am. I've been always so scared. And I want to change that, I feel that I have no time to waste anymore, I want to be secure of myself, find a rewarding job, find a great partner and feel secure with him, feel myself pretty, outside and inside. It's like I have hurries, I want it as soon as possible. But then, all this is imposible to materialize, I don't have this energy, I don't have this security in myself, I barely can say two sentences together, and I feel overwhelmed when I'm accompanied... I know I know you are so right, I should wait, be patient. The brain, the body is recovering now and it will need much more time but... sometimes I'm just not able to be as rational I should be. And then sometimes i ask to myself, what If I'm already healed now (because with some persons the healing is faster), but in my "normal status" I am depressed, anxious (as I thought and the cause to started to have benzos), and I have to fix this somehow? so I feel worried and in a hurry, and i want to do everything to improve this... so, always fighting inside myself.

[[ca...]]

From a benzo withdrawal standpoint, yes you will heal in time.  Remember back to a time before benzos/meds,  you will most likely heal back to that state and possibly better.  In withdrawal it feels like time stops but thats just telling us to slow down and take it easy.  From a normal persons viewpoint not going through withdrawal, a year or two years is not a long time in the grande scheme of things.  You have so many years ahead of you to do what you need to do.

 

I can relate, im 31.  Barely finished my studies due to anxiety/illnesses/withdrawals,never had a career and never been on a plane.  So i understand your urgency to move forward.  But remind yourself that the world isnt leaving.  It will be there when u are well and along with all the people in it.

[[ma...]]

From a benzo withdrawal standpoint, yes you will heal in time.  Remember back to a time before benzos/meds,  you will most likely heal back to that state and possibly better.  In withdrawal it feels like time stops but thats just telling us to slow down and take it easy.  From a normal persons viewpoint not going through withdrawal, a year or two years is not a long time in the grande scheme of things.  You have so many years ahead of you to do what you need to do.

 

I can relate, im 31.  Barely finished my studies due to anxiety/illnesses/withdrawals,never had a career and never been on a plane.  So i understand your urgency to move forward.  But remind yourself that the world isnt leaving.  It will be there when u are well and along with all the people in it.

 

You are totally right castillo... (I like your name!) I hear you, I am like you, I've studied and worked but with a lot of suffering, fear and stress, sometimes I would like have been a bit more quite some periods of my life, maybe now i would be more healthy. And actually I think that all what i studied and worked for i really don't like, so im still thinking to change my career, but dont know exactly in which direction. So, yes! now healing, improving everyday... And soon embrace our life as we would say in Spain "coger el toro por los cuernos" (take the bull by the horns) and live (being ourselves)!

[[ca...]]

That's the spirit!!!  Maybe we can share what we chose as a career change when we both heal!  You know someone once told me that we learn the biggest lessons in life from pain and suffering.  It is true.  I have learned my lesson and will come out a better person and NEVER want to experience this lesson again.  We can only help those who are suffering the same.

 

Oh glad you like the name.  I was dating a spanish guy at the time so i took his surname lol.  I wish i took that bull by the horns hahaha.

[[Ke...]]

As everyone said, just focus on your health at the moment and getting better.

So I don't feel like I'm wasting these months of my life in withdrawal, I decided to make a plan so I have something to look forward to when I start to feel better. Being at work is terrible and I'd like to take time off but I've decided to use this time to save up as much cash as possible (which is easy as I'm not going out) And then the moment I feel like I'm better, I'm going to get on a plane and go on a trip to some of the countries I've always wanted to go to. Maybe you should do something similar?? Career can wait! I think it would be better to really experience life after such a horrid period.

[[Lo...]]

As everyone said, just focus on your health at the moment and getting better.

So I don't feel like I'm wasting these months of my life in withdrawal, I decided to make a plan so I have something to look forward to when I start to feel better. Being at work is terrible and I'd like to take time off but I've decided to use this time to save up as much cash as possible (which is easy as I'm not going out) And then the moment I feel like I'm better, I'm going to get on a plane and go on a trip to some of the countries I've always wanted to go to. Maybe you should do something similar?? Career can wait! I think it would be better to really experience life after such a horrid period.

 

i like the sound of this. this is my plan too.  once i get through this anxiety that I'm having.the anxiety for me seems to be the last of my symptoms.  this experience has been rough for all of us. i need a vacation. we can do this you guys. 

[[ma...]]

As everyone said, just focus on your health at the moment and getting better.

So I don't feel like I'm wasting these months of my life in withdrawal, I decided to make a plan so I have something to look forward to when I start to feel better. Being at work is terrible and I'd like to take time off but I've decided to use this time to save up as much cash as possible (which is easy as I'm not going out) And then the moment I feel like I'm better, I'm going to get on a plane and go on a trip to some of the countries I've always wanted to go to. Maybe you should do something similar?? Career can wait! I think it would be better to really experience life after such a horrid period.

 

This is an awesome idea! I like how it sounds. I think this of now just work and save money could be a good plan for me. And then, my idea is summer, go to England. I imagine myself getting better and better at the same time the weather gets better here in Berlin. Sometimes I imagine this period how the hibernation process, to then wake up healed and strong. We can do that ! I think make a plan is a good thing. The bad for me is all this time between and my desire to enjoy life and be normal. Not this feeble person at job , with friends, if I imagine myself in a date... I feel so clumsy and boring, and I speak so badly now! I feel stupid so many times. Hum! Just wait patiently and with good distractions... And have a nice plan for the  "waking up" 😊

[[Ke...]]

Makurasakua,

Are you in Berlin?!! That's one of the places I'm planning to go!! I think I'm going to move there for a bit while I can still get a working holiday visa. I think the summer time and england is a good plan for you. That's in 6 months time and even if you are not feeling 100% You will be feeling ALOT better then you are now and more positive. It can be the start of your new life!! That's how I'm looking at it Just focus on saving money and getting through. In the meantime, exercise and eating a super healthy diet might help with your symptoms. Brain training or luminosity could help with your cognitive function too.. Have you thought of maybe taking an easier job while you get through this tough stage of withdrawal ??

[[Ke...]]

And don't even worry about dating this early out after stopping! Just focus on you! Think about all the dates you can go on in summer when the weathers nice and you're feeling happier !

[[ma...]]

Makurasakua,

Are you in Berlin?!! That's one of the places I'm planning to go!! I think I'm going to move there for a bit while I can still get a working holiday visa. I think the summer time and england is a good plan for you. That's in 6 months time and even if you are not feeling 100% You will be feeling ALOT better then you are now and more positive. It can be the start of your new life!! That's how I'm looking at it Just focus on saving money and getting through. In the meantime, exercise and eating a super healthy diet might help with your symptoms. Brain training or luminosity could help with your cognitive function too.. Have you thought of maybe taking an easier job while you get through this tough stage of withdrawal ??

 

Hi kellyjane! Oh really? So Berlin is great! You should come and if you come let me know! It's a super easy city, you can live quite good here without too much money. And a lot of nice places and historical spots to visit! Now I moved to live by myself in a small flat and I'm thinking to stay longer in Berlin ... I'm good now! About the job, yes, I will try to find something soon, hope to find something with a nicer environment at least.

 

Yes, 'love' I guess should wait until I'm better. Now I have this common feeling if insecurity and low self esteem. Also I'm feeling quite depressed these days :/

 

Big hugs!