Depersonalization while on Klonopin resulting in affair

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Hi,

I'm looking for support regarding taking Klonopin and having an adverse reaction causing depersonalization that resulted in an affair. I am currently not taking it, this happened 8 years ago and since I have sworn off all anxiety medications.

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Hello ScaredSilly,

 

Welcome to Benzo Buddies!

 

If I am to understand correctly, you have not taken klonopin for 8 years, is this correct?

 

Certain, depersonalization is a strong effect both while on the drug and during withdrawal.  It's very good you have decided not to take any anxiety medications, often they create more problems then they solve. I know I was ill and in tolerance for over one year.

 

There are ways to deal with anxiety that don't involve drugs such as CBT and other techniques like meditation and deep breathing.

 

I'll give you a link to the anxiety board for further information.

 

What kind of support are you looking for?  We are happy to support and encourage anyone whose has been affected by benzo use and offer withdrawal advice and information as well.

 

Anxiety   

 

pianogirl

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Thanks Pianogirl!

 

Yes, you are correct, I do not take anything daily for my agoraphobia after that. Though I do take a Xanax while flying with my family once a year.

 

I'm not really sure what kind of support I'm looking for, I guess I just wondered if anyone else had had depersonalization or dissociative episodes from Klonopin?  I feel kind of alone in what happened. I took it a few times, each time with an increasing level of "out of my mind" feeling. The first time, I ate a meal with my husband and the next day was surprised that I wasn't more hungry since I skipped dinner, and my husband was staring at me like I was insane and informed me of what I had eaten.  The second time I took it, my husband was out of the country for a few days, just my daughter and I alone in the apartment, and apparently I light candles all over the floor, adorned myself in a belly dancing costume, and had an impromptu photo shoot with myself. I vaguely remembered it the next day, but I couldn't believe when I saw the pictures I took and the candle wax all over the carpets...I was shocked that I did something so stupid, I could have burned the place down and never known what was happening.  The final episode was the worst, a friend drove me home from a get together, and standing in my living room, he just grabs me and kisses me, and I don't remember much after that, glimpses, very much like I was looking down at myself. Hours later I pieced some of it together and completely freaked out, called my sister in law and told her everything and how I wasn't sure if it was real, it felt like a dream...a terrifying dream. The next day he called me apologizing and upset that it had happened and I found out it was real, and even worse that he didn't use any protection. And that is something I am very paranoid about, I still to this day am very careful about being protected. I realized there was no way I was in control of myself, humans screw up, I'm not perfect, I was willing to concede that I had committed a horrible act...but mindlessly doing that, with no thought to consequences on so many levels, I knew something wasn't right.

 

I explained the episodes to my psychiatrist, who confirmed that I had had dissociative/depersonalization episodes. But that doesn't make it better in my eyes, even now, eight years later I am still eaten up with guilt. Upon speaking to a new therapist about the first two episodes (unwilling to open up yet about the worst), this therapist confirmed again that that is what happened and now I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and wondering if I am alone in what happened.

 

I feel conflicted. I feel guilty and at the same time I feel almost victimized. Please tell me I'm not alone, has anyone else been through this and how did you cope???

 

Thanks so much for letting me share!

 

ScaredSilly

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I guess no one else has been through this, not even episodes of depersonalization??