Let's Try This Again

[[Al...]]

Hi All,

 

This past summer I first signed up here thinking it was my time to quit.  Well it didn't work out so here I am on attempt # 2.

 

I started taking xanax in 2010.  I felt like it immediately replaced something that was 'missing' and had always been 'missing' from my brain. 

 

I've always had all kinds of anxiety issues but was only diagnosed in the past couple years: generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, mild OCD, insomnia, and depression.

 

Went from 0.5-1 mg/day of xanax in 2010, up to 2 mg/day xanax by March 2012.  Switched to Klonopin March 2012.  Have been taking 0.5 mg Klonopin, 2x daily, for two years.

 

This fall I was also prescribed some Ativan, 0.5-1 mg at bedtime for insomnia as-needed.  But of course I "needed" the higher dose.  1 mg/day. 

 

This fall, someone very close to me in my immediate family passed away very suddenly.  For the month of November, I went off the deep end.  Getting through the holidays this year, without my family member, while coping with the settling of affairs, estate/lawyer stuff, and family drama, has been HELL.  This is no excuse but I gradually started taking higher and higher doses of benzos to get through the holidays.  Definitely a pointless mistake but it seemed like a good idea at the time. 

 

So I did a DIY rapid taper over the course of a week or so.  Withdrawals and insomnia, muscle twitching, panic attacks, the feeling of my mind racing, headaches, nausea, perceptual changes, the usual.  All have been coming in waves.  In the past 4 days I've taken 0.5 mg of klonopin, in the form of one pill 3 days ago because I couldn't take the anxiety anymore.

 

I have a couple of pills left for "emergencies."  (Panic attacks.)

 

I also take Topamax, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin.    And I am quitting drinking entirely.  I haven't had any alcohol in 35 days.  And prior to that, interrupted but long term periods of sobriety. Not drinking helps me immensely with my anxiety, actually, and I think it's going to help me quit these beastly pills...

 

I'm scared that right now might not be the best time for me to quit benzos, given all the things I'm going through with my family and grieving and the separation anxiety of loss. 

 

But on the other hand I'm already into the W/D's and I know my brain is already healing.  So maybe I should just move forward with quitting.