Getting worse, losing hope. Help.

[[Cr...]]

Feeling stuck, like an LSD trip from hell. Trouble moving limbs, feel frozen, almost impossible to walk. Horrible day, feel so disconnected and hopeless, head feels all stuffed up detatched, not even sure how to explain this, like every day is the same, all I know is suffering, feeling frozen and foreign in my own body, long crying spells all day, trouble concentrating, thoughts are morbid and repeating ad nauseum...

 

Feeling insane, no memory, wanting to die to end the suffering. Spasms twitches tinnitus tingling burning aching, dizziness, visual afterimages and oscillation at high levels. So many symptoms I don't even know where to start. This is so bad, I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. It's like the real me is trapped in my own foreign body and being tortured screaming to get out but feeling that this is taking over and is forever. The heaviness of this is almost unbearable.

 

Please help me,

[[ci...]]

crazypants, Yes, you can do this. You have almost 7 months behind you, so you have come so far, you can and will keep going. Try the positive affirmations, "I am healing, everyday in every way, I am getting better and better." Have you listened to Bliss Fredericks" you tube relaxation, positive affirmations and meditation videos? Her book, Recovery and Renewal, has been a big help for me. You have to always believe in your healing.

 

This sucks, no doubt about it. Try to view yourself as not sick, just in WD. Try to get an action plan together, what can you do to occupy your time? Have a to do list prepared for the rough waves? (walk, meditate, )

 

I am at 9 mons CT, and still have harsh WDs, I just keep telling myself I got thru 9 mons, I can get thru 3-6 more mons, things will lessen over time.

 

I hope I helped you in some small way, I am in here with you, you are not alone.

 

Always, cindy

[[Ch...]]

I'm here, too, CP.  I hope you get a little bit of comfort from this piece of writing:

 

Recovery Tips [nobbc]http://www.psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html[/nobbc]

 

1. Recovery from bei ng an accidental addict to benzodiazepines is serious business. It takes time for the central nervous system to heal and for neurotransmitters to stop being sensitive. None of us had the faintest idea that this kind of situation lay in front of us. So we are dealing with shock at what has happened as well as the real physical and mental/emotional symptoms of withdrawal.

 

2. Recovery is not linear, as it is with other illnesses or injuries. If we cut our hands, we can actually see the cut heal and the pain diminish over time. In benzo withdrawal we can be well one day and very sick the next. This is normal and we have to look at our healing differently.

 

3. Recovery is an individual thing, and it is difficult to predict how quickly symptoms will stop for good. People expect to be completely better after a certain period of time, and often get discouraged and depressed when they feel this time has passed and they are not completely better. Most patient support programs tell clients to anticipate 6 months to a year for recovery after a taper has ended. But some people feel better a few months after they stop taking benzos; for others it takes more than a year to feel completely better. Try not to be obsessed with how long it will take, because every day you stay off benzos, your body is healing at its own rate. If you do not follow this particular schedule, it does not mean there is something wrong or you are not healing. Even if you are feeling ill in some respects, other symptoms may disappear. Even people in difficult tapers see improvements in symptoms very early on. So don’t let these time-frames scare you. The way you feel at one month will not be how you will be feeling at three months or at six months.

 

4. It is very typical to have setbacks at different points of time (these times can vary). These setbacks can be so intense that people feel their healing hasn’t happened at all; they feel they have been taken right back to beginning. Setbacks, if they occur, are a normal part of recovery.

 

5. When people are in recovery, they have a lot of fears. One is that they will never get better. Another is that their symptoms are really what they are like — perhaps what they have always been like. Both of these fears are stimulated by benzo withdrawal. In other words they are the thought components of benzo withdrawal, just as insomnia is a physical component.

 

6. There is no way around benzo withdrawal and recovery—you have to go through it. People try all sorts of measures to try to make the pain stop, but nothing can shortcut the process. Our body and brain have their own agenda for healing, and it will take place if you simply accept it.

 

7. When you are having a bad spell, healing is still going on. People typically find that after a bad spell, symptoms improve and often go away forever. Try to remember this when times are hard.

 

8. There is no magic cure to recovery, but you can help yourself by comforting and reassuring yourself as much as possible. Read reassuring information, stay away from stress, ask your partner, family and others for reassurance, and go back to the things you did at the beginning if you are experiencing really tough symptoms.

 

9. When we start to feel better, it is very typical to try to do too much. We are grateful to be alive and we have energy for the first time in weeks or months. But this can be a dangerous time. When we do to much and take on too much too early, it re-sensitizes the nervous system. It doesn’t prevent healing in the long term, but it can make us feel discouraged. So try to pace yourself, even if you are feeling good.

 

10. You do need to respect your body during recovery, although you don’t need to make drastic changes to your lifestyle. Exercise, in any form is critical—even if you can only walk around the house or to the end of the block. Eating well and avoiding all stimulants is crucial. Regular high-protein snacks can help with the shakes and the feelings of weakness we have during withdrawal and recovery.

 

11. Recovery is all about acceptance, but this does not mean passive acceptance. Set small goals for yourself that are achievable. Try to keep exercise happening. Work at your recovery even if that means accepting you are sick—for now. You wouldn’t be hard on yourself if you were in a traffic accident and had injuries; you would work at rehab. Try to take the same attitude and approach to benzodiazepine withdrawal.

 

 

 

 

 

Challis 

[[Cr...]]

Hanging on as best I can guys, just really needing reassurance at the moment. Text can't even describe how hard this is. Really need to know others go through this and recover cause I'm just not seeing it. I keep getting worse. I know I'm on new meds now, Ive been suspecting the gabapentin of making things bad, but they were a different kind of worse before I had gone on it.....I'm so confused. Tapering gabapentin now, although I was only on 900mg for a month, which I'm told is the lowest prescribed dose.

[[Co...]]

Hang in there cp you can do it. I know it's hard to remember how it was when you were doing better. Happens to me all the time and I'm thinking about taking more valium. It always subsides but sometimes it takes a long time to do so. I know, it's hard man but we have to hang on.

 

Challis99, great post, it helped me a lot. I've been wondering why I've been so sick this far out and that post reassured me.

[[...]]

I'm here for you too, CP. 

It's tough, it's effing tough, I hear you!  I keep reminding myself of Bliss Fredericks' words, "Everybody heals"!

And yes, listen to your gut about the Gabapentin.

I wish I wasn't so lost for words ... this really sucks!

[[In...]]

Feeling stuck, like an LSD trip from hell. Trouble moving limbs, feel frozen, almost impossible to walk. Horrible day, feel so disconnected and hopeless, head feels all stuffed up detatched, not even sure how to explain this, like every day is the same, all I know is suffering, feeling frozen and foreign in my own body, long crying spells all day, trouble concentrating, thoughts are morbid and repeating ad nauseum...

 

Feeling insane, no memory, wanting to die to end the suffering. Spasms twitches tinnitus tingling burning aching, dizziness, visual afterimages and oscillation at high levels. So many symptoms I don't even know where to start. This is so bad, I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. It's like the real me is trapped in my own foreign body and being tortured screaming to get out but feeling that this is taking over and is forever. The heaviness of this is almost unbearable.

 

Please help me,

 

This looks like something I wrote at 7 months off. There will come a time when you are not suffering so badly all the time. For me it was around 12-13 months off where some of the symptoms would fade out for awhile and others would kick up. I can't speak about full healing as it's continuing to this day, but easier to cope now than the 24/7 craziness of the first year. Just keep moving forward and your time will surely come, hopefully very soon. 

[[ca...]]

Keep hanging on!  It's true the further out you get the easier it is to talk yourself into knowing that you CAN hang on for the next couple of months and that it will not look as ominous to you.  I was where you are at 7 months.  Have hope!

[[Si...]]

Oh man I'm so sorry to hear this. I thought you were doing much better. All I can say is that usually when I get hit with a wave I at least now after it ends I'll feel better than before the wave hit. I've read where other people have had problems somewhere between months 7 and 9. Maybe the last big hurtle before calming down and waves becoming much less?

 

Really hoping you'll feel better soon. I know we dropped around the same time.

[[Te...]]

You can do this, CP! Know that waves DO PASS. They don't go on forever, although it seems that way when we're in the middle of them. My heart goes out to you and everyone suffering from this misery! 

[[Cr...]]

Thanks to everyone, I really needed this. I know its all been said before, but I really feel like I am going crazy. In my first 5 months at least I would still get grounded and feel like I was there and somewhat in control. Now its as if all systems have gone offline and are so disconnected from my control. And my mind feels DESTROYED. I'm having trouble connecting to anything, every day and hour bleeds into the other and I'm in this fuzzy stuffed up hazy pergatory where I don't feel like myself and can't remember what real is. I'm scared.

[[Te...]]

I felt the same way, CP, only mine was mostly during tapering. You'll get your mind back. I couldn't read books, couldn't think straight, had really bad dp/dr, and had so much cog fog that it felt like my brain was filled with cotton, nothing there. But that's changed, and except for some memory lapses, I can think a lot more clearly. It's even better during windows.

 

Don't give up! This is temporary. I know it may seem that it isn't, that all is lost, but this terrible wave you're going through is part of the process of healing. 

[[be...]]

I had waves as you described and thought I was going crazy from all the physical stuff but it did indeed pass. Be careful of the Gaba. I was on only 300 mg during my w/d to help me sleep and w/ nerve pain.  I had a hell of a time coming off of it. Hang in there one moment at a time...

 

[[Cr...]]

How long were you on gaba? I've been on 900mgs for a month and just stepped it down to three...It's so hard to tell what is causing what. I think I may be having a bad reaction to it, I think its messing up my eyes and giving me really bad memory unsteady gait and dp/dr, it definitely gives me INSANE depression after each dose but I can't be sure what is w/d and what is meds....Did you have any of these issues? How did you discontinue it....I'm so confused it makes me cry, I dont want to be on meds, but it was so unbearable off them. I feel trapped. i dont know what to do.

[[be...]]

That is a huge step down going from 900 to 300!  I would do a 100 mg reduction every two weeks and then once down to 100 mg cut by 50 mg.s.

 

My vision was all screwed up while on it - very blurry! I could not tell if it was truly gaba w/d or my benzo w/d being kicked up as I reduced the gaba. I think a combo of both. I also had bad Dr/dp, weakness and screwed up memory while on it - even though my highest dose was only 300 mg.s.  The Dr/dp from gaba  was as bad as benzo w/d. But then again..,hard to tell what was what.

 

I completely understand about damned if ya do damned if ya don't. After 6 months I went back on v. for a short time and am now back in benzo w/d hell.

I took it for pain relief and too feel trapped in a body that feels foreign to me.

 

There is a Gaba Withdrawal Support Group on this site so perhaps you should check it out.

[[Cr...]]

Wow, you really did get dp/dr from gaba? I have never had it and it's only recently started since I went on gabapentin. I had to cut my dose this low....it was screwing me up so bad. I just want to be off it. The dp/dr and frozen in my own body feeling is so intense and scary, I can't do anything anymore.

 

[[Ao...]]

Crazypants

 

Yes this type of physical pain and mental torture is too hard to explain . I know as I am there myself . Same physical and mental symptoms as yourself. 

I just wanted to say to hang on and be assured that it will end but its gonna take some more time. Take one day ata time. One hour I if you have to.

[[Ch...]]

I'd be looking into the medication changes since they happened in month 6 and that's when you started feeling really bad... could be coincidence, or not.

[[Ao...]]

Crazypants

 

On another note,  if the gabapentin is not suitable for you , would you consider Pain patches?..... My nerve pain was through the roof for months and months so I opted to go on a patch called Lioderm. It has helped a lot and taken down my pain from 10/10 to 4-5/10.... just a suggestion. I have had no side effects and I am on it nearly 2 months now.

 

 

[[ma...]]

It might not be anything to do with gabapentin CP, it might just be a setback, I've had two setbacks throughout my withdrawal and they were like you are describing, a wave that was as bad as the acute phase. My last setback was at the end of October and it was horrendous, not only because the symptoms were bad, it was the fact that it came after so long of being benzo free, it left me hopeless and depressed beyond imagination. There is a glimmer of hope though, when I came out of these terrible waves I felt considerably better than before the wave hit, so just ride this bitch out and I'll bet you feel a lot better just like I did

[[ci...]]

CP, I went thru gaba WDs, mostly consisted of insomnia and sweating for me. I tapered from 1200mg and jump at 75mg 5 weeks ago, I tapered off over 6 months. I started with 100mg cuts every 7-14 days, then at 500mg, took 50mg cuts, the 25mg cuts below 300mg, and dose 3 times a day. Gaba helped me sleep, but did not lessen my pain, so I elected to taper off.

[[Cr...]]

Challis, I am very confused as to whether or not it is Gaba or WD....Gaba certainly could be aggravating things, but before I went on it I was AWFUL. This is a just a different kind of awful. Thats why I feel so trapped, and I'm really not sure what to do and my mind being all messed up isn't helping my decision making.

[[Cr...]]

Cindy, I think gaba is the only thing that stopped me from burning and shaking, but as I said, every dose I take I feel really strange and disconnected and drugged, I also have insane dizziness (could just be benzos) and really bad eye problems (light hallucinations and bouncing) My memory has gotten so bad too, I can't even remember what symptoms were before and what are after ( I can look back on old posts for some of the before though) I also KNOW for a fact that it is increasing my psychosis depression after every dose. About an hour after taking it, every time I break out in hopeless crying marathons and get insanely depressed and inconsolable. I was depressed before, but never like this. Again, to my confusion, I'm not sure if this could all just be new benzo stuff, the gaba, or both. Feeling really lost atm and every day since I can remember.

[[ci...]]

CP, It sounds more like benzos WDs to me. And you did seem to think gaba helped you with the burning and shaking. I know gaba can cause you to feel groggy......What dose of gaba are you on now? Did you drop from 900 to 300mg, if so, that is really too big of a drop?

 

If you are committed to getting off the gaba, just do it safely, cut maybe 50-100mg every 10 days and so, and see how it goes? Or check out survivingantidepressants.com, they are a good site for tapering.

 

But I am not telling you to taper off or not to.....if the gaba helps you, only you can make that determination. I know it is a tough call to make, with me it was easier to taper off gaba, but it did not help my pain.

[[Cr...]]

I think I wan't off of it....it did help, but I was hesitant to go on it and I really can't be sure of what it is doing to me. Yes it is a pretty steep drop, but I have been on 150mg 3x a day now for a couple days and don't want to go back up. I've been on 300mg 3x a day for a month, from what I remember my doc said it can just be discontinued