THE ANSWER TO LIFE? NO, THE BOY WAS WRONG.

[[th...]]

HELLO TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!

 

IGNORE MY CAPS.  I DON'T YELL, DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES, AND ONLY LIKE CAPS BECAUSE I TURNED 44, AND  MY READING VISION SUCKS. THUS IS LIFE, JUST KNOW THAT IS THE ONLY REASON BECAUSE WE ARE HUMANS VARY, AND SOME PEOPLE COULD CARE LESS, WHILE SOME PEOPLE THINK I NEED TO GO THROUGH A 90 DAY INPATIENT PROGRAM FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT WHEN THEY SEE MY CAPS, JUST AN FYI FOR YOU, MY FRIENDS.

 

I RECALL THE NIGHT, THE AGE, THE DATE; JULY 30, 1985, I WAS ABOUT 14.  I WAS HANDED A 10MG CUT BRAND VALIUM AND DID NOT ASK QUESTIONS, JUST ATE IT AND CHASED IT WITH MY BEER.  MY GOD MAN!!!  i WAS IN 20 MINUTES, SECURE, ABLE, BOLD, ARTICULATE, MANAGEABLE, TOLERABLE, I WAS ABLE TO APPROACH WOMEN AND MAKE PROGRESS, IT WAS NOT IN MY MIND, IT IS A FACT.  WHEN I TOOK MY FIRST VALIUM AT THAT AGE, I WAS A RUNAWAY, RUNNING FROM A MOTHER WHO WAS NEVER A MOTHER AND VERY LOST, AND A FATHER WHO IS LOST AND DYING OF CANCER THIS MOMENT.

 

I RAN BEFORE PUBERTY, BECAUSE OF BROKEN LAWS OF LIFE SUCH AS FORGIVENESS, AND LETTING GO OF THE PAST, MY FATHERS MIND IS ROTTED INTO PARANOIA. MY  MOTHER IS DELUSIONAL, HER ISOLATION AND CONTRAFACTUAL THINKING, A TERM I HIGHLY ADVISE LOOKING INTO, MY SISTER A BOARD CERTIFIED SURGEON HIGHLY SPECIALIZED AND BOARD CERTIFIED IN FOUR SPECIALTIES, MY HEROS AT ONE TIME, EXCEPT MY FATHER, DEMONIZED BY MY MOTHER TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE HE WAS, "CRAZY", "OUT OF HIS  MIND", "INSANE", AND THINGS LIKE THAT.  WELL MY FRIENDS, I HAVE FORMED A LIFE THESIS, AND IT IS THIS, "THE TRUTH ABOUT A PERSONS HEART AND IDENTITY LIES NOT HOW THEY ARE VIEWED BY SOCIETY, NO, IN FACT THE TRUTH LIES OF A PERSON IN THE EXACT OPPOSING DIRECTION AS SOCIETY SEES A PERSON".  IT HAS YET TO BE PROVEN WRONG.

 

THE SISTER WHO GRADUATED IN THE TOP 1% OF HER DARTMOUTH MEDICAL SCHOOL CLASS, ASKING HER LITTLE BROTHER, ME, IN TEARS, IF SHE SHOULD CONTINUE TO ASSIST HER BOSS IN LEAVING CANCER CELLS IN THE ELDERLY, SO IT WOULD REGROW AND THEY COULD RETURN AND RE-BILL MEDICARE.  ONE HERO, GONE.  MY MOTHER, AN ARTIST AND SCRIPTURAL CALLIGRAPHER, YET THROWING HER ONLY SON AWAY LIKE TRASH, DEMONIZING HIM, DEFAMING HIM, LIES.  BUT, THEY ATTEND CHURCH AND AFTER ALL, GOD FORGAVE THEM. YET, THERE IS AN ISSUE, THE MAN PRACTICING AND EXPOSING MY SISTER TO CAPITAL CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY BY COMMITTING THESE ACTS, NOW HAS A PLUS OFFICE, GUESS WHERE? YEP, RODEO DRIVE. MY MOTHER, WELL MY FRIENDS, LETS JUST SAY SHE IS NOT FULL OF THE LOVE GOD REPRESENTS AND RELIGION DISTORTS.  INSTEAD, A MATRIARCHAL ORDERED, WITCHCRAFT ROOTED HIERARCHY EXISTS.  MEN, STRONG MEN, WHO STAND UP FOR WHAT I STAND FOR BECAUSE, DONT BE A FOOL, TO STAND FOR NOTHING, I ASSURE YOU IS TO STAND FOR SOMETHING.  UPON HEARING THOSE WORDS, I DISMISSED THEM, BUT THEY CHANGED ME, AND SOME THINGS ABOUT ME AS A HUMAN NOW BENZOS, OR NO BENZOS, THEY ARE WHO I AM.

 

I DO CHOOSE A SIDE, AND IT ALWAYS RESIDES ON THE SIDE OF TRUTH.  WHOS TRUTH?  THE SIDE WHICH GOD RESIDES WITH, WHOS GOD?  MY GOD IS YOUR GOD, THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD, IT STANDS TO LOGIC AND JUST GO WITH IT, IF THERE WERE "GODS", BATTLES WOULD RESULT, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NATURAL FOR A SUPREME DEITY TO, WELL, BE SUPREME. I BELIEVE, GOD EXISTS IN THOSE WE INVITE HIM INTO OUR LIVES, WITH ABSOLUTE SINCERITY. MY THEORY IS THAT IF I ALLY WITH THE TRUTH AS I SEE IS LOGICALLY, LEGALLY, ETHICALLY,  MORALLY, AND PASSES THE LEGAL "STANDARD PERSON LOGIC THEORY", THEN I ALLY WITH GOD.  IF I ALLY WITH GOD, HE SEES ME CHOOSING HIS SIDE, AND THEREFORE I FALL UNDER HIS PROTECTION.

 

AFTER ALL, LIES ARE NOT ONLY A BAD THING, THEY WILL KILL YOU.  GOD IS GOOD, I THINK WE CAN AGREE WITH THAT SIMPLE STATEMENT, THUS GOD DOES NOT CONDONE LIES, THUS GOD CONDONES AND CHOOSES THE TRUTH, SATAN IS THE FATHER OF LIES, GOD IS THE OPPOSING FORCE AGAINST GOD, THUS AGAIN TO THE TRUTH HE REPRESENTS. SO I SOUND ARROGANT I KNOW, WHY IS THAT? I HAVE NO FALSE PRIDE, MY MALE EGO WAS BEATEN OUT OF ME WITH HARSH CONSEQUENCES HITTING LEGAL, EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL BANKRUPTCY IN 2001.  WHAT YOU DETECT IS THIS SIMPLE AND YOU CAN HAVE THE SAME FREEDOM I AND SOME THAT CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN WHAT IS TRUE HAVE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT UNLESS YOUR MIND IS FREE, YOU LIVE IN CHAINS, ARE IN BONDAGE, AND I AM SEEING THAT BECAUSE BENZOS ARE NOT SOLD OVER THE COUNTER, I HAVE TAKEN THEM FOR SO LONG, JOINING THIS SITE WAS THE STEP I WAS DIRECTED TO TAKE TO ELIMINATE THE WEAK LINK IN MY LIFE, DEPENDENCE. NOW, TWO YEARS AGO I WAS ON 13 PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATIONS.  STABLE SLEEP PATTERNS, BROUGHT ABLE BY A DRUG NAMED "SAPHRIA" REMOVED THE NEED FOR EVEN AN SSRI WHILE MY ENTIRE FAMILY INCLUDING BOTH SISTERS WHO ARE DOCTORS TAKE, FOR SEVERE DEPRESSIVE GENETICALLY INCLINED DISORDERS.  I HAVE ADD, NOW....THAT BECOMES A REAL ANIMAL, I WILL ALWAYS TAKE MY ADD MEDS. I AM STUDYING FOR MY LSAT AND ATTEND LAW SCHOOL IN SPRING OF 2015, SIMPLY: IF SOMETHING IMPROVES THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE, IS LEGAL, AND IS ETHICAL, AND IS ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY AS OKAY TO SOME BOUNDED INTERVAL, I WILL ALWAYS ADOPT IT. WHY WOULDNT I?  DID MY ADDICTION TO OTHER THINGS PASS THOSE TESTS, NO THEY DID NOT AND THEY ALMOST KILLED ME.

 

BACK TO BENZOS, BUT FIRST ONE LAST THING. I THINK BENZOS ARE A LIE. WHEN I FIRST TOOK A VALIUM MY GOD I ORDERED A THOUSAND THE NEXT DAY, I HAD FOUND THE SOLUTION TO MY SKINNY INSECURE LAME, LOST LITTLE CHILD ISSUES; ALL I KNOW IS SELF TAUGHT AND EXPANDED ON FROM UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE.  BENZOS, WORK. BENZOS-NEVER FAIL. BENZOS, ARE FOR SOME PEOPLE. BENZOS, I WOULD BE FINE ON TO CONTINUE. BENZOS, HOWEVER, PUT A PERSON IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, AS THEY ARE NOT SOLD OVER THE COUNTER. NOW, ON A SIDENOTE, WHY AN ADDERALL IS A C2, A FELONY TO POSSESS, YET CAN BE TAKEN FOR 20 YEARS AND STOPPED WITH NO CONSEQUENCES, YET A VALIUM IS A C4 AND IF TAKEN FOR 20 YEARS AND STOPPED................FRIENDS, ONLY THOSE THAT HAVE BEEN THROUGH EXTREME LONG TERM BENZO WITHDRAWALS, KNOW THE LIVING HELL IT CAUSES, THERE ARE NO WORDS, THERE IS NO WAY TO EXPLAIN TO ANOTHER HUMAN, THE INNER MISERY, PAIN, SLEEPLESS MISERABLE ELONGATED AND WHAT IS WACKED-PROMOTED WITHDRAWALS FROM LONG TERM BENZO USE.

 

THEREFORE, I HAVE DECIDED TO END THE USE OF BENZOS, AND ALTHOUGH I HAVE TAKEN  MANY PATHS, THIS PATH SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME, THEY ARE TO ME MORE PRECIOUS THAN FINE GOLD, WHEN I TRAVEL I PUT THEM IN ALL BAGS AND ON MY PERSON, I AM ACCUSTOMED TO ALWAYS PLANNING AHEAD, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE CONTROL THESE DAMN THINGS HAVE ON ME AND I DEMAND MY FREEDOM, SO HERE I AM AND I NEED YOUR  HELP, YES YOURS!!! ALL OF YOU, BECAUSE WHILE I MIGHT HAVE STRONG POINTS, I CANNOT COOK, I SUCK AT LAWN WORK, I HATE KNITTING,I CANNOT GARDEN PAINT OR WORK ON MY OWN CAR AND I LOVE BENZOS, IT IS WHAT I HAVE KNOWN FOR SO LONG. BUT FOR ME TO DUMP 12 MEDS, AND SIT ON BENZOS, APPROACH LAW SCHOOL, I HAVE AN INNER DESIRE TO END IT.  HERE IS WHERE I EXIST AT THIS MOMENT, ANY AND ALL ADVICE I NOT ASK FOR MY FRIEND, I DESPERATELY NEED YOUR HELP, IM SORRY FOR TAKING UP SO MUCH SPACE AND THE CAPS BUT I AM  ME AND I CANNOT CHANGE EXCEPT IN WAYS THAT WILL BE GOOD, AND I TRULY THINK SETTING MYSELF FREE FROM MY CURRENT HIGH DOSAGE, WITH A PLAN OF REMOVING THEM FROM ,MY LIFE, IS THE ONLY PATH TO CHOOSE.  HERE IS WHERE I AM.

 

MY DOCTOR TURNED INTO AN ASSHOLE, ANOTHER HERO FELL, AND OUT OF NOWHERE, DUE TO HIS OWN PERSONAL MERCHANT BANK PROCESSING ERROR, HE SENT ME A THREE THOUSAND DOLLAR BILL PAYABLE IMMEDIATELY. I DO NOT HAVE THE CASH TO PAY IT ALL AT ONCE, AND SO WITHOUT NOTICE, WITHOUT FIRING ME, IN FACT: "MATTHEW, WE ARE NOT TARGETING YOU ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL JUST TRY TO PAY US SOMETHING MONTHLY" WAS THE LAST STATEMENT I WAS TOLD, BEFORE FROM THE BIG MAN HIMSELF: "I WILL NOT SPEAK TO HIM, I WILL NOT FILL HIS DIAZEPAM OR KLONOPIN AGAIN, UNTIL HE PAYS EVERY DIME HE OWES IN FULL".  THIS WAS MY HERO, FALLEN, GONE NOW.  MY RESPONSE WAS, "UM, WHOA, BUT I TAKE 30MGS OF VALIUM PER DAY, AND 6MGS OF KLONOPIN PER DAY ALSO, AND I HAVE HAD NO NOTICE AND THIS IS DANGEROUS, I COULD SEIZE I COULD DIE, I AM ON A VERY HIGH DOSAGE OF BENZOS!!!!!  WHAT IF I GO INTO SEIZURES OR DIE?? HES SETTING  HIMSELF UP FOR A BIG FAT LIABILITY SUIT"  RESPONSE: "WE WILL CALL YOU IN NEURONTIN OR DEPAKOTE FOR THE SEIZING, BUT WILL NOT REFILL YOUR VALIUM OR KLONOPIN UNTIL WE RECEIVE 3K IN CASH.

 

SO HERE I SIT, WITH: #3 2MG KLONOPIN, #9 10MG DIAZEPAM, AND I FOUND......#12 30MG FLURAZEPAM.  PERIOD.

I DO NOT, I KNOW I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO ESTABLISH A WORKING TAPER, I NEED SOMEONES ADVICE AND HELP. MY PLAN IS TO APPROACH URGENT CARE TOMORROW, AND TAKE MY BOTTLES, IGNORE AND CANCEL THE VALIUM OUT, THE KLONOPIN SHOULD BLANKET IT, YES OR NO?  SO THAT WOULD LEAVE ME WITH POTENTIALLY #90 2MG KLONOPIN TO TAPER DOWN FROM, I CAN ACQUIRE MORE BENZOS IF I NEED TO, BUT I WANT YOUR ADVICE.

 

PLEASE, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND LIKE AN ASS, BUT IF YOU ARE UNDER 25, ARE EXPERIMENTING WITH BENZOS AND DO NOT KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT YOURE WALKING INTO AND ADVISE ME YOU WILL MAKE ME THINK YOU ARE A FOOL, I SEEK THE WELL VERSED PERSON WHO IDENTIFIES WITH MY DESIRE FOR FREEDOM, TO INTERVENE ON MY BEHALF, TELL ME THEIR ADVICE, I NEED SOMETHING TO FOLLOW, WRITTEN, THAT LEAVES ME FREE, IN X PERIOD OF DAYS. ****************I REJECT AND DISAGREE WITH SERAX PROTOCOLS, I WENT FROM 8MGS OF KLONOPIN TO 0MGS OF KLONOPIN IN 30 DAYS AT HAZELDEN IN  CENTER CITY MN, IN REHAB. IT WAS DONE FOR TWO REASONS: 1. IT IS WHAT THE PDR SAYS TO DO, 2. IT WORKS. 3. I WAS TO SUFFER CONSEQUENCES FOR MY ACTIONS BY FEELING LIKE I WAS GOING INSANE AND TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND, TO THE DEGREE I COUILD NOT READ, PLAY CARDS, TALK, I WOULD GET DEALT A HAND AND JUMP AT THE SIGHT OF THE CARD COMING AT ME 10 DAYS INTO IT, THEY DESIRED AND BELIEVED THE SUFFERING I ENDURED, WOULD BENEFIT ME. IT WAS CRUEL, IT DID NOT WORK, WE ALL MUST COME TO OUR OWN PLACES IN LIFE, AND PUNISHING ME FOR A DOCTOR PUTTING ME ON THAT HIGH OF A DOSAGE OF KLONOPIN FOR 5 YEARS, OFF IN 30 DAYS TO ADHERE TO THE 30 DAY PROGRAM ROUTINE, IT ALTERED ME FOR LIFE. SO IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO MENTION SERAX, PLEASE DONT, THAT DRUG IS WORTHLESS AND IS USED BY LARGE REHAB FACILITIES TO TEACH PATIENTS OF MORONIC DOCTORS LESSONS ABOUT HOW THE WITHDRAWALS OF BENZOS HURT !!!!!

 

IM SORRY, I SIMPLY CHOOSE ALTERNATE WAYS OF LEARNING, THAT IS PURE AND SIMPLE TORTURE. PLEASE RESPOND AND HELP ME, IF YOU FEEL ME, IF YOU KNOW WHERE I AM, IF YOUVE BEEN HERE, IF YOU HAVE METHODS THAT WILL WORK AND SOME TYPE OF WAY TO CALCULATE THE MEDICATION DOSAGE SO I CAN START IMMEDIATELY. IT CAN BE DONE WITHOUT GOING OUT OF MY  MIND, I HAVE BEEN BENZO FREE BEFORE BY DOING SO,

..................THANK YOU FOR EXISTING, LISTING ON GOOGLE, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR INVOLVEMENT.  I HAVE TAKEN EVERY PATH IN LIFE THAT EXISTS, GOT BURNT, RETRACED MY STEP, AND WALKED DOWN THE NEXT INCORRECT PATH, OVER AND OVER  UNTIL ONLY ONE EXISTED, LIFE, DEATH, INSANITY OR PRISON. I HAVE HOPES AND DREAMS, AND NOBODY INCLUDING THIS CLASS OF DRUG WILL REMOVE HOPE. TY, MATTHEW

 

..."HOPE IS WHAT KEEPS ME TOGETHER.  YES, LOVE CAN MEND YOUR LIFE BUT LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEARTTTTTT;: SO I SEND AN S.O.S. TO THE WORLD, I HOPE THAT SOMEONE GETS MY, I HOPE THAT SOMEONE GETS MY, MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE YEAHHHHH"  "TP"

[[Ch...]]

Hi thefinalcut and welcome to the forum.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are on significant amounts of Diazepam (Valium) and Klonopin and have only a few left of each and no refills and are looking for advice.  You said yourself that you know that won't be enough for a reasonable taper, and you're right.  We recommend no more than 5 to 10% cuts every ten days to two weeks as outlined in the  Ashton Manual.

 

To plan a reasonable taper, I'd start posting in General Taper Plans.  As far as having Klonopin cover for the Diazepam, you might want to talk to the folks at one or both of these threads:  Klonopin Support  and/or  Valium Support.

 

After reading your intro, just a couple of suggestions...all caps may indeed be overwhelming for people who are very sensitive.  If I were you I might post in lower case and make the posts a few sentences or brief paragraphs, otherwise you may not get many readers or replies.  Perhaps a larger font would make posts easier for you to read. 

 

Also, I would like to remind you that we are not an anti-doctor or anti-psychiatry forum, we're a benzodiazepine withdrawal peer support forum.  Here's a link to our policy on this:

      Anti-doctor, Anti-psychiatrist and Anti-medicine Comments and Links

 

Please include your benzodiazepine and other pertinent medical information in your posts.  To make that easier by adding it to each post automatically, you can go up to Profile, choose Forum Profile, write the information in the text box and click Change Profile.

 

Thanks and take care,

Challis

[[Co...]]

Hi thefinalcut,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

 

HELLO TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!

 

IGNORE MY CAPS.  I DON'T YELL, DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES, AND ONLY LIKE CAPS BECAUSE I TURNED 44, AND  MY READING VISION SUCKS. THUS IS LIFE, JUST KNOW THAT IS THE ONLY REASON BECAUSE WE ARE HUMANS VARY, AND SOME PEOPLE COULD CARE LESS, WHILE SOME PEOPLE THINK I NEED TO GO THROUGH A 90 DAY INPATIENT PROGRAM FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT WHEN THEY SEE MY CAPS, JUST AN FYI FOR YOU, MY FRIENDS.

 

Glasses? In any case, you can increase the text size in virtually any web browser. There will be menu options, or, in most browsers you can use your keyboard:

 

Ctrl(+)+ to increase test size

 

Ctrl(+)- to decrease text size

 

Ctrl(+)0 (that's a zero) to return text to standard size.

 

The problem is with all-caps (apart from it being generally understood to indicate 'shouting' in Internet parlance) is that it is much more difficult for others to read (we rely upon the shape of the word - the peaks and troughs) more than you might realise. We partially read the word from its overall form - like a picture - we do not completely rely upon reading through the word. Please, if you can, turn off the caps-lock. You will probably receive more replies.

[[be...]]

Hi thefinalcut,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

 

HELLO TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!

 

IGNORE MY CAPS.  I DON'T YELL, DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES, AND ONLY LIKE CAPS BECAUSE I TURNED 44, AND  MY READING VISION SUCKS. THUS IS LIFE, JUST KNOW THAT IS THE ONLY REASON BECAUSE WE ARE HUMANS VARY, AND SOME PEOPLE COULD CARE LESS, WHILE SOME PEOPLE THINK I NEED TO GO THROUGH A 90 DAY INPATIENT PROGRAM FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT WHEN THEY SEE MY CAPS, JUST AN FYI FOR YOU, MY FRIENDS.

 

Glasses? In any case, you can increase the text size in virtually any web browser. There will be menu options, or, in most browsers you can use your keyboard:

 

Ctrl(+)+ to increase test size

 

Ctrl(+)- to decrease text size

 

Ctrl(+)0 (that's a zero) to return text to standard size.

 

The problem is with all-caps (apart from it being generally understood to indicate 'shouting' in Internet parlance) is that it is much more difficult for others to read (we rely upon the shape of the word - the peaks and troughs) more than you might realise. We partially read the word from its overall form - like a picture - we do not completely rely upon reading through the word. Please, if you can, turn off the caps-lock. You will probably receive more replies.

 

I was unable to read this post because of caps....the letter and words just all ran together for my eyes.

[[lo...]]

Hi thefinalcut

 

Welcome to BB.

 

I tried to read your post but it was too difficult. Partly because of the caps but I do have cog fog too so long posts are difficult.

 

I hope others will help you to work out a plan to taper your drugs. I took one benzo for 40 years and am so glad I am off it.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

LF 

[[Do...]]

Whats cog fog?

[[Ch...]]

Whats cog fog?

 

Cognition is foggy... brain dead, can't add simple numbers, can't form a sentence, can't comprehend.

[[Do...]]

i think you're over exaggerating Challis99

 

[[lo...]]

Cog fog for me is the inability to assimilate written text. I can write okay but find reading very difficult.  Long posts are impossible. Caps do make it harder. I notice that I now leave lots of line spaces in my posts. Single line spacing is harder to read.

 

My brain is starting to hurt looking at the above 3 lines.  :'(

 

LF

[[Di...]]

I've done a word text conversion of the OP, and increased the font size a smidge. I must admit I haven't read it all yet, but this might help others who have had trouble getting through the whole post.

 

 

Hello to all !!!!!!!!!!

 

Ignore my caps.  I don't yell, do not have anger issues, and only like caps because i turned 44, and  my reading vision sucks. Thus is life, just know that is the only reason because we are humans vary, and some people could care less, while some people think i need to go through a 90 day inpatient program for anger management when they see my caps, just an fyi for you, my friends.

 

I recall the night, the age, the date; july 30, 1985, i was about 14.  I was handed a 10mg cut brand valium and did not ask questions, just ate it and chased it with my beer.  My god man!!!  I was in 20 minutes, secure, able, bold, articulate, manageable, tolerable, i was able to approach women and make progress, it was not in my mind, it is a fact.  When i took my first valium at that age, i was a runaway, running from a mother who was never a mother and very lost, and a father who is lost and dying of cancer this moment.

 

I ran before puberty, because of broken laws of life such as forgiveness, and letting go of the past, my fathers mind is rotted into paranoia. My  mother is delusional, her isolation and contrafactual thinking, a term i highly advise looking into, my sister a board certified surgeon highly specialized and board certified in four specialties, my heros at one time, except my father, demonized by my mother to me my whole life he was, "crazy", "out of his  mind", "insane", and things like that.  Well my friends, i have formed a life thesis, and it is this, "the truth about a persons heart and identity lies not how they are viewed by society, no, in fact the truth lies of a person in the exact opposing direction as society sees a person".  It has yet to be proven wrong.

 

The sister who graduated in the top 1% of her dartmouth medical school class, asking her little brother, me, in tears, if she should continue to assist her boss in leaving cancer cells in the elderly, so it would regrow and they could return and re-bill medicare.  One hero, gone.  My mother, an artist and scriptural calligrapher, yet throwing her only son away like trash, demonizing him, defaming him, lies.  But, they attend church and after all, god forgave them. Yet, there is an issue, the man practicing and exposing my sister to capital crimes against humanity by committing these acts, now has a plus office, guess where? Yep, rodeo drive. My mother, well my friends, lets just say she is not full of the love god represents and religion distorts.  Instead, a matriarchal ordered, witchcraft rooted hierarchy exists.  Men, strong men, who stand up for what i stand for because, dont be a fool, to stand for nothing, i assure you is to stand for something.  Upon hearing those words, i dismissed them, but they changed me, and some things about me as a human now benzos, or no benzos, they are who i am.

 

I do choose a side, and it always resides on the side of truth.  Whos truth?  The side which god resides with, whos god?  My god is your god, there is only one god, it stands to logic and just go with it, if there were "gods", battles would result, because it would be natural for a supreme deity to, well, be supreme. I believe, god exists in those we invite him into our lives, with absolute sincerity. My theory is that if i ally with the truth as i see is logically, legally, ethically,  morally, and passes the legal "standard person logic theory", then i ally with god.  If i ally with god, he sees me choosing his side, and therefore i fall under his protection.

 

After all, lies are not only a bad thing, they will kill you.  God is good, i think we can agree with that simple statement, thus god does not condone lies, thus god condones and chooses the truth, satan is the father of lies, god is the opposing force against god, thus again to the truth he represents. So i sound arrogant i know, why is that? I have no false pride, my male ego was beaten out of me with harsh consequences hitting legal, emotional and financial bankruptcy in 2001.  What you detect is this simple and you can have the same freedom i and some that choose to believe in what is true have, i can tell you that unless your mind is free, you live in chains, are in bondage, and i am seeing that because benzos are not sold over the counter, i have taken them for so long, joining this site was the step i was directed to take to eliminate the weak link in my life, dependence. Now, two years ago i was on 13 psychiatric medications.  Stable sleep patterns, brought able by a drug named "saphria" removed the need for even an ssri while my entire family including both sisters who are doctors take, for severe depressive genetically inclined disorders.  I have add, now....that becomes a real animal, i will always take my add meds. I am studying for my lsat and attend law school in spring of 2015, simply: if something improves the quality of my life, is legal, and is ethical, and is accepted in society as okay to some bounded interval, i will always adopt it. Why wouldnt i?  Did my addiction to other things pass those tests, no they did not and they almost killed me.

 

Back to benzos, but first one last thing. I think benzos are a lie. When i first took a valium my god i ordered a thousand the next day, i had found the solution to my skinny insecure lame, lost little child issues; all i know is self taught and expanded on from undergraduate college.  Benzos, work. Benzos-never fail. Benzos, are for some people. Benzos, i would be fine on to continue. Benzos, however, put a person in control of your life, as they are not sold over the counter. Now, on a sidenote, why an adderall is a c2, a felony to possess, yet can be taken for 20 years and stopped with no consequences, yet a valium is a c4 and if taken for 20 years and stopped................friends, only those that have been through extreme long term benzo withdrawals, know the living hell it causes, there are no words, there is no way to explain to another human, the inner misery, pain, sleepless miserable elongated and what is wacked-promoted withdrawals from long term benzo use.

 

Therefore, i have decided to end the use of benzos, and although i have taken  many paths, this path scares the living hell out of me, they are to me more precious than fine gold, when i travel i put them in all bags and on my person, i am accustomed to always planning ahead, i am sick and tired of the control these damn things have on me and i demand my freedom, so here i am and i need your  help, yes yours!!! All of you, because while i might have strong points, i cannot cook, i suck at lawn work, i hate knitting,i cannot garden paint or work on my own car and i love benzos, it is what i have known for so long. But for me to dump 12 meds, and sit on benzos, approach law school, i have an inner desire to end it.  Here is where i exist at this moment, any and all advice i not ask for my friend, i desperately need your help, im sorry for taking up so much space and the caps but i am  me and i cannot change except in ways that will be good, and i truly think setting myself free from my current high dosage, with a plan of removing them from ,my life, is the only path to choose.  Here is where i am.

 

My doctor turned into an asshole, another hero fell, and out of nowhere, due to his own personal merchant bank processing error, he sent me a three thousand dollar bill payable immediately. I do not have the cash to pay it all at once, and so without notice, without firing me, in fact: "matthew, we are not targeting you its not that big of a deal just try to pay us something monthly" was the last statement i was told, before from the big man himself: "i will not speak to him, i will not fill his diazepam or klonopin again, until he pays every dime he owes in full".  This was my hero, fallen, gone now.  My response was, "um, whoa, but i take 30mgs of valium per day, and 6mgs of klonopin per day also, and i have had no notice and this is dangerous, i could seize i could die, i am on a very high dosage of benzos!!!!!  What if i go into seizures or die?? Hes setting  himself up for a big fat liability suit"  response: "we will call you in neurontin or depakote for the seizing, but will not refill your valium or klonopin until we receive 3k in cash.

 

So here i sit, with: #3 2mg klonopin, #9 10mg diazepam, and i found......#12 30mg flurazepam.  Period.

I do not, i know i do not have enough to establish a working taper, i need someones advice and help. My plan is to approach urgent care tomorrow, and take my bottles, ignore and cancel the valium out, the klonopin should blanket it, yes or no?  So that would leave me with potentially #90 2mg klonopin to taper down from, i can acquire more benzos if i need to, but i want your advice.

 

Please, i dont mean to sound like an ass, but if you are under 25, are experimenting with benzos and do not know or understand what youre walking into and advise me you will make me think you are a fool, i seek the well versed person who identifies with my desire for freedom, to intervene on my behalf, tell me their advice, i need something to follow, written, that leaves me free, in x period of days. ****************i reject and disagree with serax protocols, i went from 8mgs of klonopin to 0mgs of klonopin in 30 days at hazelden in  center city mn, in rehab. It was done for two reasons: 1. It is what the pdr says to do, 2. It works. 3. I was to suffer consequences for my actions by feeling like i was going insane and totally out of my mind, to the degree i couild not read, play cards, talk, i would get dealt a hand and jump at the sight of the card coming at me 10 days into it, they desired and believed the suffering i endured, would benefit me. It was cruel, it did not work, we all must come to our own places in life, and punishing me for a doctor putting me on that high of a dosage of klonopin for 5 years, off in 30 days to adhere to the 30 day program routine, it altered me for life. So if you are about to mention serax, please dont, that drug is worthless and is used by large rehab facilities to teach patients of moronic doctors lessons about how the withdrawals of benzos hurt !!!!!

 

Im sorry, i simply choose alternate ways of learning, that is pure and simple torture. Please respond and help me, if you feel me, if you know where i am, if youve been here, if you have methods that will work and some type of way to calculate the medication dosage so i can start immediately. It can be done without going out of my  mind, i have been benzo free before by doing so,

..................thank you for existing, listing on google, thank you all for your involvement.  I have taken every path in life that exists, got burnt, retraced my step, and walked down the next incorrect path, over and over  until only one existed, life, death, insanity or prison. I have hopes and dreams, and nobody including this class of drug will remove hope. Ty, matthew

 

..."hope is what keeps me together.  Yes, love can mend your life but love can break your heartttttt;: so i send an s.o.s. to the world, i hope that someone gets my, i hope that someone gets my, message in a bottle yeahhhhh"  "tp"

 

[[Ch...]]

i think you're over exaggerating Challis99

 

That's what my experience was.  Hopefully yours won't be so extreme.