Hope for those that sometimes have to be alone...

[Guest [Or...]]

On December 25th at 7am my partner left me alone for two days to celebrate Christmas with his family. We figured I had done enough healing that I could handle it.

 

I had a relatively sad morning realizing I wouldn't be munching on my favorite X-mas treats. But, that's OK. There will be plenty of time for that in the future.

 

I ended up talking to Sussie on the phone and I was doing pretty good considering. I felt good enough that I called my Mom and asked her to come for a visit. Bad idea.

 

When she showed up I was pretty good. We had a nice little chat and exchanged gifts. About an hour afterwords things started to go downhill. My Mom, for the first time, saw what I was like during a cortisol surge (That lovely 6-8pm one) and began to panic.

 

She saw me in the most intense mental pain and tried to bring me to her place. I told her that I'm agoraphobic because of the withdrawal and moving me in this state could make my symptoms worse. Already being in a wave, I didn't want it to get any worse. She started to yell at me and demand I come home with her. (She really cares. I knew this.) But, that made me angry and made me fly off the handle. I began crying and just wanted her to leave so I could be alone. But she was scared to leave me alone.

 

By 10pm I was so worked up there was no calming down. So she just left. It broke my heart to see my Mom's face when she left. But only we know what this is like. And so began the worst wave in the history of my waves. All the symptoms I ever had hit me at once.

 

Somehow. I managed to sleep an hour. But I couldn't get back to sleep. I paced and paced and paced trying to tire myself out to no avail. When 6am rolled around I tried to sleep and got jolted out of it (As we all know...) And it got even worse. It was BenzosRCruel level mental torture (I assume?) All I could do was cry. Cry cry cry.

 

The 26th of December was the worst day I ever had. I don't know how I survived. But I did. I managed to get to sleep that night. How? I dunno. But I woke up into the biggest panic attack I've had in withdrawal. I haven't had a panic attack since week 6. It was scary. But, I survived. And as today went on it started to die down. And now, tonight, I'm finally back to where I was before Christmas Day.

 

So now for the hope...

 

There may come a time in withdrawal where you have to be alone. The minutes may seem like hours. And your symptoms may get worse. But its temporary. You will make it. You will survive. And you will come out stronger than ever.

 

If I did it, you can too. Its not gonna be easy. But its gonna be OK. My heart truly goes out to those that have to do this alone every day. You are the strongest people on here.

[[Fi...]]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you had such a horrific time of it.  I feel for you mom, too, since she is probably around my age and no doubt loves you as fiercely as I love my own three young adults.  But you are such a bright spirit!  You have the resilience to be on here posting hope to others so soon after such a terrible experience.  I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

I went through a lot of desperate times like this too, many of them alone, by choice.  If my mother had seen me she'd have been calling the paramedics.  My husband was usually just desperate to stop me from crying and I just had to.

 

I'm afraid this is the way this story goes, over and over.  But eventually we're better!  I finally feel I've put those darkest of times behind me.  Soon you will too. 

[Guest [Or...]]

Thanks FJ In ways its getting easier. Dealing with the sane symptoms and knowing that they have passed before makes it easier.

 

And I'm soooo close to where people start turning the corner. Just gotta hang on a few more weeks.

[[Be...]]

You're strong Herr orion,  alles wird gut.

and we are always here for you! You did a good job getting through those days.