Damn, I thought I was in the clear!

[[bo...]]

Hi all,

 

I had a stretch of four or five days where I felt healthy.  I've had windows of clarity for a few hours in the past, but this was the first time I was able to make a full day without getting sidelined by withdrawal symptoms.  My headache, dizziness, and anxiety were at a minimum, and I was confident I was well on my way to beating this.

 

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling great, and today, I've felt very dizzy and flush, as well as an intermittent headache.  Even though the severity is not as bad as it was in the past several months, I'm discouraged again.  I'm upset that I got my hopes up that I'm close to healing, only to be thrown back into an anxious state where I have to use my CBT training to talk myself down from having a panic episode.

 

Hope you guys are all feeling well.

[[La...]]

Bosco, you may have several more "I though I was in the clear" moments/days. Be prepared, I know I had at least a dozen. Its part of the process, and you are still freshly benzo-free. Congratulations.

[[Te...]]

Hey Bosco, glad you got a taste of things to come...keeps a lot of us at Skinner's trough. To me it's kinda like driving through west Texas...lots of 'same old' interspersed with dried up, blowing away burgs and the occasional oasis that tells you there are places you'd rather be, if you had your druthers. And even in west Texas, you know the landscape IS finite, whether or not it looks like it 

[[La...]]

No better reminder in West Texas that Texas is truly finite, then the border fence in El Paso.

[[Te...]]

Que dice? 

[[An...]]

@[Te...]

 

anyway, how do you use CBT?  Are there any resources on this board?  I haven't really been able to find anything on the internet.

[[bo...]]

It's simultaneously encouraging and discouraging to know that falling back into feeling poorly again is considered normal for recovery.  I wish it were more clear-cut when I would start feeling better rather than this rollercoaster ride.  It's been seven weeks since I jumped, and five weeks since my last benzo.  I'm hoping that the acute phase is winding down for me, but I really have no idea.

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been one of the few things that I truly believe has helped my anxiety and panic attacks.  My doctor initially prescribed me benzos because I started having panic attacks from stress.  So before any sort of chemical anxiety that I may be having in withdrawal, I already was having an issue.  I wish I had gone to CBT before I ever popped a pill.

 

CBT teaches you very few new things.  At least to me, I knew all of this.  But it helped to reassure me of several things.  The first step was understanding what a panic attack is, how it starts, and how I feed into it.  Then the therapy went towards what was causing the panic or anxiety.  Now it's concentrating on removing those automatic thoughts that seem to be doing me harm.  When I start to feel dizzy from a combination of looking at a computer monitor at work and withdrawal acting up, I remember what my therapist has reinforced.  People seldom pass out from anxiety or panic, even if you feel extremely dizzy and faint.  The shot of adrenaline that revs me up only lasts chemically for a few minutes before it's processed and out of my system.  This is temporary, and it doesn't hurt me.  It's uncomfortable, and I don't like it, but I understand what's happening, and I can control how I feel about it.

 

I feel like there are two sides to my brain.  There's the rational side, which knows that these symptoms are temporary and essentially harmless, if only uncomfortable.  But then there's the emotional side, which fears every chest pain is indicative of a breathing problem, every headache is a coming aneurysm, and every dizzy spell is the first sign of a stroke.

 

The whole point of CBT seems to be convincing your emotional side that these feelings are harmless.  I remember a time when I would wake up in the morning with slight chest pains, acknowledge that it was uncomfortable, attribute it to probably sleeping on it wrong, and then get ready for the day.  When it happens now, my breathing shortens, my pulse elevates, and my thoughts race like I might be having a heart attack.