Trouble stopping and illegally using without benefit fear I am trapped

[[qu...]]

I joined here because I need information and support to quit using valium it doesn't help that I am a super anxious hypochondriac with many very powerful but irrational fears.

 

I illegally use valium I trade for other illicit intoxicants from a customer and because of this don't have a constant supply or medical supervision.

 

I started taking valium just before this last October 10/14 and have used it almost daily since then, at first it helped me relax and not worry and be able to enjoy my life how I used to before I ever had an anxiety problem. Early October I had a sexual encounter with a strange woman from the internet and my protection became less protective by roughly 100%. After that I couldn't stop worrying about getting some disease like HIV or knocking this chick up I was so worried I couldn't focus at work so I started taking valium to not worry about it. After a while the 10mg dosage I would take wouldn't do much but quell my ever increasing daily levels of anxiety. I started having panic attacks at work and feeling worse than usual so I quit a bit before the end of october.

 

At the beginning of November I noticed I might have a problem because I took this addictive substance almost daily for roughly a month and noticed more panic attacks general anxiety and unpleasant feelings. I wasn't sure if I was physically addicted but I knew if I went cold turkey I might have a seizure or other dangerous side effects so I tried to drop my dosage to 5mg from 10 roughly.

 

During November I ended up drinking too much and blacked out had a hangover from hell and because I am a hypochondriac I swore something was terribly wrong with my health went to the ER twice and then my regular doctor told them about my drinking and valium problem the ER doc didn't find anything wrong with me and didn't address the issue of my addiction, I told the same information to my regular doctor he didn't address the issue of my addiction either and gave me a blood test. Since that night of heavy drinking I stopped drinking totally.

 

It is December late and I have jumped up from 5mg daily to 10mg daily and then I take more if I feel pretty terrible, I worried cutting from 10mg to 5mg might be dangerous so I tried to keep it at 10mg, I am pretty crazy in regards to being a hypochondriac and always think there is something wrong with me so I am never sure if I am really sick or just feeling bad from my addiction or it i just my anxiety making me feel terrible. But I also tend to take more that usual at social functions or anything high anxiety so I might take 20mgs like I did at thanksgiving or when I feel especially terrible. 

 

I am actually sick and feel pretty terrible but I am not sure how much is actual sickness, anxiety, or side effects from my use of valium. I worry not because I am not sure when I can get more and only have 3 10mg pills left. I feel stupid for ever thinking thinking using valium would stop me worrying and make me feel normal again.

 

I currently try to take only 10mgs a day but I will take more when I feel terrible at it usually makes me feel a bit better but not totally normal like yesterday I took 5mgs in the morning for fear of running out then took 10mgs later in the day because I feared having a seizure of feeling terrible or acting strangely when my best friend was in town. I am not sure if it is a good idea to split these 3 10mgs in half and have 6 5mgs or just leave them as is.

 

I want to do a slow taper because I have a great fear of the terrible effects of benzo withdrawal. I need to find professional help to get a prescription and smaller dosage tablets to taper with because I want to hold 10mgs a week then drop 1mg every 1-2 weeks until I am off. I have let this drug control my life too long and been too complacent in regards to being proactive about reducing my use of it. 

 

Sorry about the lack of structure and formatting in this intro once again I am not feeling well and I am scared and worried. I am looking forward to hopefully a smooth recovery once I get off this horrible drug I have no interest in ever taking it again.

 

I used to take a bunch of illicit intoxicants and found them much easier to get off than this. I see my GP on the 3rd day or the new year and want to talk to him about the ashton manual and my addiction I am not really sure how to talk to him about it without appearance of drug seeking behavior. I wish I could quit this drug right now without any danger if so I would have done that in early November.

 

Sincerely and with much concern,

 

Quiscalus

[[be...]]

 

 

Hi quiscalus  Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

I think it an excellent idea to discuss your benzodiazepine use with your doctor. Stopping suddenly is not the answer. You will want to taper. In my opinion a slower taper can great reduce the chance of severe or prolonged symptoms.

 

You might like to check out The Ashton Manual it is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field. 

 

Please feel free to post to any of the dedicated boards, we have a wonderful community of people here, who will give sound advice. Members have been through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal and are more than willing to share their experiences.

 

General Taper Plans

 

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again Welcome! 

 

benzos-R-cruel

 

[[Br...]]

Hello Quiscalus.  Three months usage of valium is not a long time and the majority of people would be able to taper from that with few problems.  We here are in a minority and are the ones who do have problems.  So please do not infer from the posts here that you must get bad withdrawal symptoms.

 

You have found that valium is very effective and I wonder if that is going to cause you to stick with it longer than your logic tells you to especially as you seem to have an addictive streak.

 

One difficulty is that as you withdraw, all the good things valium was doing for you will go away and the problems valium was addressing may come back more strongly than ever.  However if you feel you really intend to get off then you may find you can push through these difficulties.

 

Stablising your doses may be a good idea.  In other words, no binges and no days without valium.  Just the same dose every day and going easy on alcohol.  Maybe you would like to consider sticking to the same daily dosage and holding for about two week then reduce it slightly by 5 or 10% to see what effect that has.

[[Ke...]]

Welcome....

 

I can relate to your story. I too have taken my benzos to combat other issues and misused the medication (though it was doctor prescribed) to help aid in "just feeling right"...

 

I think many people on here will chime in and provide you with the necessary tools to make the decision you need to.

 

If I were in the same situation (please don't confuse this with medical advice), I would try to find a Psy or regular Doc who would be willing to assist me with a slow taper.

 

Like others have said, you have only been on them for a short while, I have been on them since 2009.

 

This too shall pass!

 

I come from AA, so I hear these things constantly... I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

All the best,

K.I.M.