so tired.

[[Lo...]]

so tired of this you guys....i have been trying to be a little more social and its just not gonna happen. i walked around town and i just felt like this weirdo person who needs to be put back in her cave. my energy is so off. my connection to people is non existent. my excitement about anything in life is just not there. i have been somewhat trying to connect with my friends again and no one seems interested. I'm so depressed anyway maybe its best if people stay away. lol I have this fear I'm gonna be alone. I'm getting scared that this is just my life and its really depressing. losing hope you guys.  i feel like i just don't get life and what its about. i don't like it here. i miss human contact with people but can't be around to many people. its so confusing.  I'm not sure if I'm even still going through withdrawals anymore. maybe I'm just an introverted person. how do you know?

[Guest [ba...]]

You could try one of the on-line Myers Briggs tests.  For example, http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

 

I'm an INTJ.  The 'I' stands for introvert.  I like some social time, but I then need some private time to 're-group'.

[[Lo...]]

i have done those test multiple times through out the years.lol every time i get INFJ. i guess i used to have more of a balance between introverted and extroverted. i think the only reason i was extroverted was because i was high all the time. its confusing. i guess most of my problems would go away if i just be happy with who i am. i used to be. i don't know whats what anymore. I'm obsessing over stuff and not sure why. i need to stop......im just lonely.  i think I'm spending to much time alone.  getting a bit weird lol. 

[[Si...]]

I'm right there with you, Longwalk. I desperately need more human contact, but at the same time I can't stand being around people at all. Whenever I go out, I feel like a lonely weirdo from outer space. I'm also obsessing over stuff day in, day out, and sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. As far as "personality types" (meh) go, I guess I was always more introverted than extroverted, but I never ever acted or felt like this before going into w/d! I've mostly just forgotten what it was like before, though.

[[Lo...]]

you said it sinner man. this is getting on my nerves.  lol i think way to much about everything! my ups and downs are weird. life is such a mental trip right now.  you hermit out too?  i feel i hermit out way to much and am thinking what it could do long term to my personality. lol i could just care less about the outside of the world. god i just want to get over all this and move the hell on. i wonder what its gonna feel like when i feel comfortable in my skin again. or I'm just having a mental breakdown and i won't ever come out of this. lol i hope its not that. lol anyway. sorry for being such a downer you guys. just one of those damn days. big hug to ya and sending good energy out your way.  life will change right? 

[[Si...]]

you said it sinner man. this is getting on my nerves.  lol i think way to much about everything! my ups and downs are weird. life is such a mental trip right now.  you hermit out too?  i feel i hermit out way to much and am thinking what it could do long term to my personality. lol i could just care less about the outside of the world. god i just want to get over all this and move the hell on. i wonder what its gonna feel like when i feel comfortable in my skin again. or I'm just having a mental breakdown and i won't ever come out of this. lol i hope its not that. lol anyway. sorry for being such a downer you guys. just one of those damn days. big hug to ya and sending good energy out your way.  life will change right? 

 

Yeah, I'm practically a hermit, but I try to gently push myself on my better days. My sleep schedule has been all messed up since July (I can't sleep at night, only during the day and I go to bed at very different times), making it practically impossible to have any sort of normal life, though

 

Exactly what you said, I'm just waiting for it to end so I can finally move the hell on. It's very hard to wait...and wait...and wait some more every day with no definite end date in sight, but we must get there one day. I wish you the best, Longwalk

 

 

[[In...]]

I was like this quite a bit the first year off. Very anti-social, and didn't do that well when I felt like being social. Now over my second year this has improved quite a bit. I can go out to dinner with my family or over to someone's house for a gathering and sometimes enjoy myself. There are still symptoms to deal with while I'm socializing like DR or sometimes that weird chemical anxiety or weakness and all the rest of the crud, but I can feel some of that connection returning the last 6 months. It is not perfect or easy or how it used to be, but I am making progress. Over the coming months or year you are likely to see this getting better. Keep testing yourself and gently push yourself a little bit once in awhile to check your progress. Take care! 

[[Lo...]]

I was like this quite a bit the first year off. Very anti-social, and didn't do that well when I felt like being social. Now over my second year this has improved quite a bit. I can go out to dinner with my family or over to someone's house for a gathering and sometimes enjoy myself. There are still symptoms to deal with while I'm socializing like DR or sometimes that weird chemical anxiety or weakness and all the rest of the crud, but I can feel some of that connection returning the last 6 months. It is not perfect or easy or how it used to be, but I am making progress. Over the coming months or year you are likely to see this getting better. Keep testing yourself and gently push yourself a little bit once in awhile to check your progress. Take care! 

 

thank you for taking the time out to write this. this gives me a little hope. i try to put myself out there. but it ends up making me depressed and want to withdraw more. i have never been this bad in my life. i used to be ballsy, i would drive across country by myself, go out by myself or with a group....i just didn't have a problem like i do now. i have never been so self conscious in my life!!! it is really freaking me out. i don't know if its from me getting sober and my life is just different. maybe i did something to my brain. or maybe i just need to stop thinking. its gets to the point even my clothes feel weird on my body. i can't wear any of my clothes. its just uncomfortable. i need to go talk to someone but i don't think they will be able to help. i hate this side of me. OK ill shut up. lol

[[Si...]]

I was like this quite a bit the first year off. Very anti-social, and didn't do that well when I felt like being social. Now over my second year this has improved quite a bit. I can go out to dinner with my family or over to someone's house for a gathering and sometimes enjoy myself. There are still symptoms to deal with while I'm socializing like DR or sometimes that weird chemical anxiety or weakness and all the rest of the crud, but I can feel some of that connection returning the last 6 months. It is not perfect or easy or how it used to be, but I am making progress. Over the coming months or year you are likely to see this getting better. Keep testing yourself and gently push yourself a little bit once in awhile to check your progress. Take care! 

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Innadaze Much needed. I've been fearful of going anywhere since April and it makes me so depressed. I'm even fearful of phone conversations and such

[[Lo...]]

sinner man either we have the exact same personality or this is withdrawal. lol i have days when i know this is withdrawal and i have days when i think its just me. thinking its just me scares the shit out of me. reading what you write makes me think its just withdrawal. thank you. i can't talk on the phone either. I'm angry a lot.  sometimes i don't even look out the window and just lay in bed because I'm so damn freaked out. it gets to the point i don't even know what it is I'm scared of. when i have a better day i will go out to eat but pick a place that is not crowded at all. someone had to be with me 24 7 if i go out into the world. that is more depressing. i know I'm not this dependent person that i have become. i have always been a very independent person. i want that back... i have never been this bad...i can say its getting better every month that goes by but so so so slow. so so sos so so so so so so so slow. this experience is hard to explain to people and its embarrassing. i have had a couple days when i felt pretty normal and had a good day. but they are rare. which will make me think i have bipolar or something cuz of the ups and downs. i can't wait to have more good days than bad. i just started listening to music again ever so often. i used to love music. any music would make me just feel weird and angst out. . its very strange.  i will never do drugs again.

[[In...]]

i just started listening to music again ever so often. i used to love music. any music would make me just feel weird and angst out. . its very strange.  i will never do drugs again.

 

This is a good sign to try listening to music again. I knew something was very wrong with me when I couldn't make music or listen to the music I LOVED all my life. I would listen to music for hours on end every day, then after c/t klonopin music made me sick and scared. Couldn't handle listening to it, too overwhelming. I can listen again and sometimes even get goosebumps.

[[dr...]]

It's withdrawal.  Even during my taper I wasn't this bad. I ent to the Philippines and Cuba on my one for several weeks and now I'm anxious/sick when I travel an hour away.  I just don't feel like even talking  on phone.  I have such fatigue and exhaustion it's insane. I work and come home and pass another day. 

When I get a window I'm a normal person again so I know it's the drugs.

[[ca...]]

Take heart in the fact that if this wasn't you before than it will return to that or maybe even better!!  I had all that you mentioned and i have finally found it in me to venture out of my coccoon.  Albeit still with symptoms but the underlying motivation is there.  It's been 9 months and i feel myself returning in such a minute way that it must give us all hope that we do heal.  Slowly but surely.  Only thing that remains is a little dr/dp, cog fog and the depression/apathy.  God what a tedious journey!! Still i'll take the fact that there is healing going on rather than to dwell on the fact that the damage is permanent.  CAUSE IT'S NOT!!!!

[[Co...]]

I have it too. I don't know if I am anti social or if it's because I can't handle any kind of sound right now. I'm also so confused all the time I can't keep track of conversations. I think it's a bit of a kit of things right now. Hopefully it clears up soon LF.

[[Lo...]]

you guys have no idea how much you help me. i can't relate to a lot of  people. so thank you. i find it hard to understand that a little pill does this. looking back at my life i feel i lost my 20's and part of my 30's. finding it hard to forgive myself. i know i need to and i will.  i can't believe i put my brain and body through this for all these years. i guess ill start life  now. i can't wait to be the carefree person i once was. I'm so sorry you guys are suffering with me. this mental stuff is really rough.

 

innadaze the no music thing is weird. the music would make me feel really weird and on top of that i would get some major paranoia and didn't want people to hear me in my apartment so i wouldn't make any noise at all. i would tip toe around and shit. ok i know so weird!!! sometimes i can get in that mood again but it is lessening. thank god. the paranoia is weird. this is def one reason i feel like I'm crazy.

 

drew28...yeah i used to travel by myself. i sold natural stone up and down the west coast and loved it. i moved to seattle by myself i would go to mexico all the time (mainly for drugs though). gross. now i can't even go to the grocery store by myself. oh lord. i am excited to see who i am off drugs so i will hang in there. sorry you're going through this too. i lost my id and passport so need to go get those things. it is changeling right now because i can be around to many people. i want to get my passport. as soon as i feel better I'm out of here. lol. i want to go do some good solid traveling. right now i can't even wrap my head around it. uhhg. hang in there and so will i.

 

castillo...im so happy you can venture out now. that is beautiful. ill go out some but really not much. i just feel so weird. i have a couple neighbors i hang out with some so i get a little human contact. my mom and sis have been there. my sis at first did not understand but now she is coming around. i just don't talk about it with anyone to much. i just say I'm a hermit now.  i just really thought i would feel better by now. but i don't so i need to just deal with it. thanks for writing your comment its so nice to hear what other people go through. it makes me feel not so alone.

 

cool 35 yeah i hope it clears up too. this is just the strangest thing i have ever been through. oh the things i think about or the weird obsession Im having. hang in there.

 

are you guys self conscious? i feel everyone is staring at me. i know they are not. its like i still can't really look to many people in the eye. this has been better but still a problem, this is what i felt in acute. this is a weird one.... sometimes i feel like i can feel what people are thinking or feeling. i know its in my head. but ill get these weird thoughts and feelings that i don't think are mine. i don't like being out in public at all. i hope these weird feelings go away and i so don't want to be self conscious. i am almost a freakin year out. i know I'm a little weird from the get go but dang this is even weird for me. lol oh there is so much more but ill shut up for now. i know i don't know you guys.  but man i freakin love ya. thank you for all your kind words and being able to relate. i would have gone back on drugs already if it wasn't for this site.i always just thought i was crazy so i would get back on pills. i just didn't put 2 and 2 together. duh. now looking back i always felt these feelings coming off drugs and it just scared me back to drugs. time to finally break the damn cycle.  i am definitely excited to see what i will do with life now after i heal and not have that burden in my life. big hug and sending good energy your way! :yippee:

[[Fi...]]

Longwalk--yours is a dramatic and exciting story, YOU on the road to recovery!  I think with your history you have to be even braver than many people here, but the contrast when you're well will be so amazing.  Keep on being the star of this freakin' show!

[[Lo...]]

ooooh man that was so sweet finallyjoining63...once the darkness will lift it will get easier. big hug to ya....hang in there too missy..hope you had a beautiful day today. 

[[dr...]]

Did you ever stop by Harbin Hot Springs on your way down the Ca coast?  That's one of my favorite places.  That's where I needed to be my whole taper

[[Lo...]]

hey drew28...i have been to different hot springs  in santa Barbara. we would have to hike a little bit to get to them. silly me didn't know i should take off my jewelry and the springs oxidized my necklaces and such. haha. oh man that would be great to lay around in there when your muscle are shot. i miss the mountains in santa Barbara we would throw these cool parties up there. i miss the scenery and the excitement. I'm now in dallas. its boring or i am just boring. hehe. i miss california!!! ha 

[[dr...]]

Sort of flat there.    when I live in Florida it was weird how flat it was.

[[Lo...]]

Sort of flat there.    when I live in Florida it was weird how flat it was.

 

i guess florida is pretty flat. never thought of it. lol there is some good camping in texas but not around where i live. texas has what they call the hill country i should check out. I'm ready to get out of the city.

[[Co...]]

I like the San Antonio area. I was a long haul trucker for 12 years and man there are so many pretty states. Oregon, Utah, Tennessee, and Louisiana are my favorites. Actually I like all of the southern states. Probably because I'm part cajun lol!

[[Fi...]]

Cool-you must be a smart dude if you get that Oregon is one of the prettiest states!   We shouldn't be advertising it, though.

[[Co...]]

Yeah I know right. I like how the sun stays out so late up there and the rainy weather. I live in so cal and I'm sick of it here. Can barely afford to live here anymore and too many people. What brought u to Texas besides lower taxes, more freedom, affordable housing and more jobs?

[[Lo...]]

well what brought me to Texas is my family lives here and was getting tired from my lifestyle. wanted to get cleaned up. i hopped on a bus with $50 in my pocket when i was 18 and headed to California. my family was a weird one. let me tell ya. had to get away.  I've  been back in Texas since about 32 years old.  now 36 and finally got clean. ya. i did business in Oregon and i loved it!!! so beautiful. i can see why you don't want it advertised. he he.  i am have been wanting to move to Eugene Oregon. i have been saving my money for when i get better. we will see. my stepdad died and left me some money bless his freakin heart. he was mean old bastard but i forgave him eventually. that was one of the reasons i decided to get clean. i didn't want to spend money on drugs anymore and and waste all my money. so decided to start a new life for myself. i tell you what drugs have taken up so much of my damn life. time to move on. i want to build my own tiny house and live in the mountains. grow my own food and have some chickens with my four cats ha. i hope it happens one day.  i just want a simple life.