Not sure what I'm going through

[[Te...]]

Hi, my username is Ted32.  I suspect that I'm going through benzo withdrawals,  but I'm not sure. If not,  then I'm going mentally ill, or got poisoned, or something,  so I hope it's benzo withdrawals.

 

The thing is,  I don't think I used them long enough to develop such a severe physical dependency. I started using Valium back in mid July of this year. I had been having situational panic attacks for about a week (because of some potential legal trouble),  and I finally went to the emergency room and they gave me a prescription for 30 5mg tablets.  I also, simultaneously,  got a prescription from my psychiatrist for the same amount. They didn't know about each other.  I was supposed to only take them "as needed",  but, of course, I finished them all.  Then,  I bought 100 tablets off the Internet,  and I think there was one more prescription for 30 from my psychiatrist during that time.  I took them every day,  even though the anxiety was long gone.  I think I just liked the effect, even though it's a lot milder than other drugs. I think I started to develop a tolerance,  to where I'd often take two pills at a time in order to be able to feel the effect. I think my fault dose was around 4 - 6 tablets for three months or so.

 

I'm not sure when my last use was,  but I think it was mid October. I also started taking some oxycodone after that time (yes, I am an idiot).

 

Then, starting Nov 7,  I basically had a nervous breakdown while at work.  I was sitting at my computer trying to do a simple task,  and it was too much for me,  and I was having like a continual panic attack all day.  Finally,  I left early.  That weekend,  I started to go to NA,  and they recommended an outpatient treatment program for me,  which I enrolled in the following Tuesday. It has really been a living hell since then -- going on four weeks.

 

At first,  I was having severe anxiety combined with an inability eat. My symptoms don't all match up with the lists I've seen though,  so I'm worried.  For example,  I've been sleeping fine.  The main symptoms are severe brain fog; a feeling that even small tasks are too much for me; memory loss -- things that happened last week seem like distant memories to me; lack of any self confidence at all;  and complete loss of appetite.  Even the thought of food makes me nauseous.  Mornings are worse than evenings. Sometimes I feel completely normal -- I've had one stretch of two days like that,  but lately I feel bad every morning,  and sometimes by the end of the day I feel back to normal.  It has gotten to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep,  because I don't want to go back to feeling awful.

 

Do these symptoms sound familiar to anyone?  Do you think these are benzo withdrawal symptoms?  My psychiatrist put me on phenobarbitol and said that that would alleviate the withdrawal symptoms, but it hasn't, so I'm worried now that these aren't caused by withdrawal. I think the phenobarbital has helped a little bit with the anxiety but not with the brain fog or the complete lack self confidence.

 

If anybody can share their insight I would be very appreciative. Thank you.

[[me...]]

Hello Ted32.  Welcome to the forum, we're glad you found us!  Your symptoms do sound like typical withdrawal symptoms, which can vary a lot from person to person.  Your symptoms and daily pattern are very similar to mine, and though I had insomnia for the first several weeks it went away fairly quickly or me. You've been off benzos for about two months now which means you are still in acute withdrawal, usually the most symptomatic time.  Healing from all this can take months or longer, however as with everything else, the time it takes varies greatly. I hope your symptoms ease up soon. Here are a few useful links:

 

Post-Withdrawal Recovery Support.

 

The Ashton Manual is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field.  She describes and explains withdrawal symptoms, and there is also a section with withdrawal/taper schedules.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again, welcome!

 

 

[[We...]]

Hey Ted,

 

Welcome to the forums. Your appetite symptoms are uncanny. I actually developed an aversion for food even while taking a therapeutic dosage of Librium. I couldn't stand the smell of food, I couldn't look at it. I would sometimes go 10-12 hours without eating because I constantly felt full. Breakfast has always been out of the question. Apparently the brain chemical GABA that benzo's play on is responsible for appetite as well as about every other process in the human body.

 

Small tasks sometimes feel like rocket science. I'll find myself walking into different rooms in the house wondering what I was doing. I'd be at the gym and wonder what my next exercise would be. I definitely can't drive because the thought of an intersection is too confusing and I use to be a very vigilant driver that avoided many bad drivers.

 

Also, the memory part of the brain is not working properly while this drug is in the system and while the brain is healing. I was reading an article that cognitive behavioral therapy is all but useless in people taking benzo's because their frontal lobe is not forming memories in the correct manner.

 

So I just want to let you know that it's definitely sounding like it. I hope I didn't freak you out.

[[De...]]

Hello Ted32,

 

I too would like to welcome you to the forum 

 

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much but I agree with the others, I also think that what you're suffering is benzo withdrawal symptoms which, although very distressing, are temporary and will peter out as you begin to recover. Sadly dependence on benzos can develop even with intermittent short usage. The strong symptoms will ease the futher out you go but it can take a little while for the central nervous system to heal fully. All of the symptoms you are describing sound withdrawal related, I had most of them myself but if you would like feedback about any of the symptoms please feel free to post questions on The Post Withdrawal Recovery support board, Megan has given you a link to it. You will make a full recovery with time, that's for sure.

 

I will give you a link to a post created by one of the members here, Parker which I think will give you a better understanding of what you're currently going through. Here is a link to "What is happening in your brain"

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.0

 

 

I'm glad you found us and I wish you a speedy recovery.

 

Debbie

 

[[th...]]

I am in the same boat. I was taking Clonazepam for the same time like you all togheter 120 pills  x 0.5 mg for... I dont quite remember how long, But the fact is that i took them . And as soon as they were over i c/t-ed The reasons were the same as you - panic and anxiety When they passed i continued taking the benzos because of the feeling. Now I am experiencing the same as you - severe brainfog, time distortions,  feeling like an idiot. It feels like not being withdraw, but the fact that there are other people experiencing the same symptoms after stopping benzos is evidence that it should be exactly that - withdrawal.

[[Te...]]

Thanks everybody for the feedback!  I really appreciate it, and it is reassuring to believe that it is benzo withdrawals.  This is day 31, and it wasn't much better than any other day.  I guess I will just hang on and believe that it will get better.  I'm also going to NA meetings, and they help a lot.

 

I had no idea that these would be so debilitating.  I'm still  on medical leave, and have two weeks left.  I'm afraid I might have to ask for more time.  One thing is for sure, I never want to take another benzo as long as I live.