to be honest

[Guest [su...]]

i'm so sorry to be a pest but i think it's mentally over for me.it's been a year and i'm so bad i fear i've lost my mind.i'm a walking nothing it's like i'm the walking dead it's got worse in the last month. i can't even talk to people anymore i think my brain is slowly dying and i'm going crazy.. it'd weird because i don't have racing crazy thoughts i just feel like my briain is going dead.. it horrible.. all i want to do is lye in bed and do nothing but talk on bb because that's all i can do.. my life is over... i have 0 feelings nothing anymore... sorry for my rant but i had to tell someone.. :smitten: i told my husband if things don't change by dec31 myc/t date that i'm taking a long walk in the woods.. when i think of how full of life i used to be it kills me to be like this now.. i also have alot of brain zaps lately i hope that's not a bad sign.

[[Fi...]]

Sussie-- so sorry you're having such a hard time.  It must seem particularly cruel to have taken Ativan such a short time and have your recovery stretch out so long.  But our brains are resilient.  They used to think only the brains of children could change.  Now they know that is SO NOT TRUE!  If you were full of life before you will be full of life again.  Only now you'll be a better, stronger person for knowing you could make it through this.  Have you heard of the book Renewal and Recovery?  I really recommend it.  It's just soothing to read because it shows you how you're going through something lots of other people have endured and survived and somehow it's comforting to know that your fears are ENTIRELY NORMAL.  The two big fears of people in benzo withdrawal is that 1) we'll never heal and 2) we must have something else wrong with us.  Neither of these is true for you.  This book also has a great little section for your husband.  I know mine found it helpful and I wish I'd known about it earlier.  Hang in there and know that you're not a pest for reaching out for some encouragement.  You are clearly a person who deserves encouragement!

[Guest [ba...]]

Sussie - I also had a transition from weird and anxious thoughts to no thoughts.  Then, after a few more months, thoughts/feelings (even joyous ones) started creeping back into my reality.  This deadness that you're experiencing seems to be common.  It will get better.

 

I think you should give it a some more time before your walk in the woods.  I certainly wouldn't make any decisions about long walks on a gloomy rainy day in Nova Scotia.  The sun will return, as will your 'old' self.  It's a difficult thing to see when you're in the midst of it.  It's no unlike taking an boat trip across a vast sea.  You could be closing in on your (happy) destination, but you can't quite yet see the shore.  It's out there, and it's a lot closer than it used to be. 

 

Hang in there.  You are going to heal.  Tell the damn boat captain to throw another shovel full of coal on the tinder.  Let's get this ship to port!

[Guest [su...]]

thank you guys for your words..i hope i soon get some hope to cling to. it's awful to feel dead when you know your not..it's insane and makes me feel insane i cried today so hard i'm so worn out and i pity my poor husband because he's been so good to me and he deserves better now.. thanks again.. :smitten:

[[ra...]]

Sussie,

 

Here is some hope.  I am protracted.  A minority who for whatever reason, suffer a long time (18-60 months).  I was doing ok months 1-7, then had peaks and valleys months 8-15, then hung on desperately months 16-25.  Then in month 26, things got quite a bit better.  I still have some annoying symptoms like IBS, benzo belly, and back tension.  But my brain is pretty good.  I am physically active most days, and most importantly, I have this feeling that I am almost there.

 

Hang in there.  I have had the long walk in the woods feeling a few times, but most of us have plenty to live for.

 

Try to make the most of everyday.  That helps healing a lot.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[it...]]

I'm almost a year out to and I feel the same. While better. Months 6 through now been really rocky although better the last couple. And I don't want to be around people either. All I do is lay in bed or want to or isolate I play th poker constantly to pass the time. Weird days. Hope something turns here for us shortly.

[[Fi...]]

Sussie--go ahead and cry when you need to!  I think I spent too long dreading the times when I'd feel so bad I'd just have to have a long hard cry.  I posted a thread about crying recently and people chimed in about all the ways it's actually chemically beneficial.  I know exactly how you feel about your poor husband.  Same here.  But mine spent a lot of energy trying to convince me not to cry.  Finally we've got the idea that crying isn't the end of the world, it's just helping your body get rid of the stress hormones. 

[[Te...]]

Keep going, Sussie!! I hope that you can celebrate your year out from benzos because you've hung in there and have managed to get this far - which is nothing short of amazing. I've been spending most of my time thinking of the past, how much better off I was, and thinking of the future, what I plan to do when I'm well. Either that or I'm mostly on the couch or in bed. Whatever works for you, Sussie, do it, but be kind to yourself above all. You're going to get through this!!

[Guest [ba...]]

Guys like myself don't do well around crying women because it's our nature to want to fix things and make them OK.  We can't fix this, so we feel helpless.  While it lacks all spontaneity, it might help if you told your husband that crying helps you to release tension, and that you feel better afterwards, and that he's not the reason that you're crying.  It still won't be pleasant for him, but you've done all you can do to help him understand.

 

fwiw - you don't owe this explanation to him (or to anybody).  It's just something proactive that might help the two of you a little bit.

[[In...]]

Hi Sussie,

 

Sorry you are struggling with that brain dead feeling. I have that quite a bit today as well. Overall it has improved for me and some days are fairly mild and my memory, etc works better. Then I slide back and get frustrated. It's taken quite awhile for me but that last several months there have been periods where my brain has been kinda "ok" here and there. You will get there too, maybe just a bit longer. I didn't feel much improvement until around 12-14 months. Take care!

[[Fi...]]

Good advice, badsocref--it took me years to understand why my tears did not trigger the sympathy in my husband that it always had in my mother!  It doesn't hurt to try to reassure these guys that we understand how hard they're trying to help us and we really aren't blaming them for our misery.

[Guest [ba...]]

It's not all males, but a lot of us are better fixers than sympathizers.  This forum has been a real eye-opener.  So many people want (and deserve) sympathetic support, and while my heart goes out to them, I often can't find the right words.  I try, but I'm not used to giving that kind of support.  I'm way better at calculating taper rates or pill weights or half-lives. 

[[Fi...]]

Oh yeah, badsocref, I totally get this.  My husband is amazing at bringing home anything that can be bought to aid in detox.  The sympathetic words are harder to come by.  But I think when he's managed to choke out the right thing, the response he gets from me is  so positive, it's made it easier for him to keep it up !

[[ca...]]

It's not all males, but a lot of us are better fixers than sympathizers.  This forum has been a real eye-opener.  So many people want (and deserve) sympathetic support, and while my heart goes out to them, I often can't find the right words.  I try, but I'm not used to giving that kind of support.  I'm way better at calculating taper rates or pill weights or half-lives.

 

Wow this is an interesting read cus i'm trying to understand the opposite sex!!!  Isn't it considered fixing if the male hugs female and female stops crying??

 

Sussie-  I can relate.  I've made posts where i've called this a floating by feeling or a boredom demotivated feeling.  Some replied that it can be depression or anhedonia.  Unless this is more a brain foggy feeling for you.  It does heal becus I see glimpses of vitality again.  Glimpses are very short lived as they only last between 15 mins to an hour.  I've been looking into Omega oils.  I wonder if it might be helpful in this situation.

[Guest [ba...]]

Wow this is an interesting read cus i'm trying to understand the opposite sex!!! 

 

If you figure this out, please let us all know. 

 

I don't think of a compassionate hug as the typical male 'fix'.  A passionate hug is another thing altogether. 

[[ca...]]

Hehe...i will figure it out when im 90.  By then i won't be much of a looker for it to benefit me.

 

 

[Guest [su...]]

not really sure what any of it is because i've never experienced any of it before.. i feel my brain is almost present but my body is still numb from inner anxiety or something..it's like the nerves aren't connecting properly..and that real feeling is not in my body yet.. it's not d/r ..it's an uneasy hyper nerveless not grounded kind of feeling.. :crazy:

[[Fi...]]

Castillo--I can't tell from your signature which is the opposite sex for you~!  Badsocref--I think there's magic in a tender touch--it's called Oxytocin, and more than once my husband has been able to shut me up with that alone.  It took a long time for him to stick to that and not try to explain to me how I was just making myself worse by crying.  As for the other kind of hug, I have found that miraculously healing on occasion  . 

[[ca...]]

I'm a lady looking for a tender touch

[[Fi...]]

Castillo-- Wish I could order you up some!  I feel very conscious that this isn't the sort of RX you can just advise others to obtain ASAP!

[[Co...]]

Hey sussie you won't want to hear this but it can take 5 years to heal from this nightmare. 3 years is typical. I don't like hearing it myself but it is what it is. You never know, you might wake up tomorrow and be healed. What I have been doing lately is when I wake up I say "well I guess I'm still gonna be sick today, I'll just wait till tomorrow and see" I know it sucks but what else can we do? I'm the most miserable I've ever been at 15 months out! I can't believe it's happening but it is.

[[Fi...]]

Sussie--I think Cool is being unnecessarily pessimistic in talking about this taking three to five years before healing.  As he says, "You don't want to hear this," and yeah, you shouldn't have to hear it or contemplate it, either.  Yes some people do take that long, but most people on this board seem to have healed much sooner than that.  Maybe you will be one of those who heals quicker!  In the end, the point is to just hang on day to day and know that each day, no matter how bad or good, is still, by definition, one day closer to being well. 

[Guest [ba...]]

In the end, the point is to just hang on day to day and know that each day, no matter how bad or good, is still, by definition, one day closer to being well. 

 

Well said! 

[Guest [su...]]

Hey sussie you won't want to hear this but it can take 5 years to heal from this nightmare. 3 years is typical. I don't like hearing it myself but it is what it is. You never know, you might wake up tomorrow and be healed. What I have been doing lately is when I wake up I say "well I guess I'm still gonna be sick today, I'll just wait till tomorrow and see" I know it sucks but what else can we do? I'm the most miserable I've ever been at 15 months out! I can't believe it's happening but it is.

cool ..please do no write on anymore of my post... life is hard enough getting through this mess ..if you can't say anything possitive please say nothing at all..

[[ci...]]

Cool, you are so right, no, we do not want to hear that it will take 3-5 years to heal. We are in pain and suffering and we need positive posts. Cool, I read many of your posts before which are positive and supportive, but lately your posts have been very negative, I can tell you are going thru a very rough time, and I feel for you, But I seriously do not think it will take you 3-5 years to heal, and if I did, I would never tell you that.

 

Before you write a post on someone's else thread, think about what you would want to hear, what would help you if you reached out for help.

 

Sussie, your healing is right around the corner, you have 12 months behind you, better days ahead, my friend.