my soul..

[Guest [su...]]

i think the worst part of this w/d for me was losing my soul the feeling of who i am that inner me, the love and joy has gone and not sure if it's coming back... those emotions that make us a person.. is there anyone this far out and still have this sx that awful empty shell feeling?? i'm 11 months and fearing it's not coming back...

[[Co...]]

That is the main reason I came off the valium. I have been numb, emotionless, confused, no sex drive, no memory for over 5 years now. I thought it was bad on the drug but it got way worse since I quit and it's still my worst sx at 15 months out. I really hope it comes back cause I can't live like this forever. Sorry you are having to deal with it too. It sucks!

[[wh...]]

I miss my soul too. My spiritual side. The essence of who you are as a person seems to be lost to basic, I guess you could say survival instincts.....it's very strange.....

[Guest [su...]]

i'm scared where it's been so long for me that they're not coming back because i think most people have them back by now..

[[Co...]]

No lots of people don't have them back by now. I sure don't. I'll get little glimpses of it here and there but nothing that lasts more than a few minutes or a couple of hours. It's still there just not ready to come back yet. You'll be ok in more time.

[Guest [su...]]

this is awful the further out i get the less i feel like living like this.. it's awful. i don't have many sxs left but if this doesn't come back what's the point.. this is terrible i have no will to do anything but just lie in bed.. 

[[Te...]]

I'm also suffering from a lack of joy and excitement about life. There are hints of it here and there, but overall it's been a long time, since I would say October or November of 2013, that I've dealt with this. I finally have less dr than before, but when I'll be completely well, I have no idea. Never thought it would last this long - EVER.

[Guest [su...]]

imagine how i feel..i only took it for 6 weeks and a low dose.. for some reason i think it damaged my brain forever because i should be better by now..

[[Fa...]]

Sussie, you are NOT damaged forever!  But your brain will believe what you tell it. What do you do to make you laugh, encourage yourself? What are you reading, watching? Who are you helping, taking care of? For me, I often struggle with less joyful and scary days because I feel I'm losing precious time with my kids.  Sometimes, it is hard going through this with them in tow because I hide it from them the best I can and don't want to worry them. Other times, they overstimulate me with their bickering and high energy.  But, they keep me going because I have to get up each day and be their mom. I have to make school lunches, help with homework and go on field trips.  So, what are you doing or can you do to busy yourself? What used to bring you joy? It's there...you have to go after it!

[Guest [su...]]

this month has been a nasty month for me but every other month i could do somehing or at least try..i had a very bad w/d and i don't know why but it was.. i can't do anything this month because i'm so sick and can't get out of bed.. i want to visit with my family but every time i try to go out it freaks me out ,i think i have that fear sx back.. i've tried so hard over the months but it just keeps hitting  me that's why i think it's here to stay. i love shopping and seeing my kids and grandkids but this is making it all impossible.. i want my life back so bad but it's not happening. i've healed a bit but not enough to say i can live my life because i can't and scared i never will agian.. i took progesterone while in w/d for one month and stopped and maybe that made me kindle? not sure because i don't know much about kindling. i hope i heal because i'm losing hope and don't want to live anymore like this.. im not suicidal but i can't go on like this..sorry

[Guest [...]]

Hi Sussie,I know how you feel about your soul.If you get a chance,read (google)about the singer Stevie Nicks what she said about taking Klonapin.She said it made her so numb and lose her creativity as a song writer,that after she got off it she learned how much she liked her different moods,sad,happy,etc.Its no fun living a numb and emotionless life we get from Benzos.....I hope you feel much better soon.

[Guest [su...]]

thanks 2200 i think she got all her feelings back..

[[Fa...]]

Natural progesterone is a good thing...and also something you should not quit cold turkey as it can throw off hormones. Make sure you take it properly if natural, bio-identical. I stopped natural progesterone cold turkey after years of taking it and it totally threw off my hormones. I'm back on it now. I don't want to downplay what you are feeling...just want to encourage you not to give into this! You have to trick your mind...tell it want you want to do and then do it. If you continue thinking and speaking in fear, it will take over. Baby steps.  Maybe make a plan to do something...something small.  When you accomplish it, move to the next thing.  Enjoy little successes.  Fear is paralyzingly. I'm a woman of faith and scripture says fear comes from Satan who wants to steal your joy. I'm not having it! When I was at two week post withdrawal, I had a very important medical appointment.  I was shaking and could not eat but I got myself ready and out of the house.  I made a stop in town to pay my water bill and did okay. I continued driving...for a bit.  I had to cross a 5 mile bridge that is scary in general. Just before I got to the bridge, I started to have a panic attack. I pulled off on the side of the road and took a few minutes to gather myself. I was scared too death to get on that long stretch of bridge for fear I would have another attack and be stuck on the bridge. I felt the fear and did it anyway!  I was not going to miss my appointment.  That gave me great strength to know that I could decide, and this craziness going on in my body was not going to have the final say. I have not had a panic attack since then. I feel like when we have fear and scary symptoms, if we can somehow let our minds and bodies know that WE are NOT scared and in a sense, ignore it....it is like reprogramming is going on in those very moments.  The more you do that, the more you will heal. I hope that helps you a bit. I hope to hear of your great success very soon because I know you will not let this beat you!  You are a strong, capable woman!

[Guest [su...]]

thank yuo FNF but in the previous months i did all that and now i'm down and out and don't understand how i can go from last month shopping and driving a bit to in my bed again.. something hit me really hard this time and i don't get it.. i have different sxs with really bad flu like sxs and this horrible twisting and hurting in my brain ugh!! this really sucks.. the progesterone i only took for one month at the lowest dose and the dr said i could just stop it c/t that it won't heard.. i don't understand why healing my brain is so slow...

[[mo...]]

Hi sussie,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad... I have that feeling too of being an empty shell and that my soul is gone.  I hope it will come back some day...  I'm sure there are folks here who've recovered from feeling this way.

[Guest [su...]]

thank you moonbow.. i hope it comes back..it's very upsetting not to feel anything . i'm scared for my life since it's been a year and i'm not healed i'm really scared.

[Guest [...]]

I wanted to add that I am still having very bad withdrawal symptoms too,dizziness and horrible anxiety.Im off the Lorazapam cold turkey at alittle over seven and a half months.I had three good days in a row thinking maybe im at the end of the bad symtoms rollercoaster,but this morning I woke up with the worst wave of dizziness,anxiety,shaking and the weirdest brain loopy feeling.Throws off my balance too.Its so depressing,but I pray and keep plowing through,knowing we will heal,its just gonna take awhile.Thanks Faithnotfear73,your words are so true,thats the only way I can go grocery shopping and do errands with all this anxiety/panic.I pray,then just stay as positive as I can and do it anyway.Sometimes I want to run out of the store im so anxious and dizzy,but I push through and try not to let the fear win.Its not easy that's for sure,and I have many days I want to cave and give up,but I keep going.Wishing everybody the speediest recovery possible,we will beat this guys!

[[Fa...]]

2200, glad you are pushing through! You are strong!

Sussie, did you read what you wrote? You mentioned that you were out and about.  That means it will happen again! I think when we have some good days, we think we are back to normal and then get devastated if/when it hits again. It's like a slap in the face, and how easily we forget that we made progress.

Here are some things that help me. I'm sure they have been mentioned but I will share in case it will be of help.

Getting to bed before 11pm and sleeping as long as my body needs. This is not always possible due to getting kids up for school, but I do my best on the weekends.  Goal would be 9pm for bed though.

Eating well....fruit and veggie smoothie daily. Probiotics!

Lots of water

Eating protein and fat before going out or being active. Allowing blood sugar drops or hunger is a major trigger for me.

When I have a lot of pain or tension in my back, I lay flat on the floor with legs over a bench and arms out to the side. This allows muscles to relax and reset.

Gentle, long stretches.

Deep breathing

Watching a funny movie, writing cards to others to encourage or thank them.

 

[Guest [su...]]

i think i'll soon try going out again and see what happens.. i hate going out feeling like this i always think it's going to make me worse.

but i still don't undrstand why i don't want to get out of bed now?? i always got up ans showered and did a few things .. now i don't want to move....

[[Fa...]]

I think moving forward and out of your comfort zone is healthy! You can do it. Just go slow....keep us posted. Remember, positive thoughts and believe you are able!

[[Mi...]]

I am 9 months out and feel the same way, as if I have lost my soul and can no longer feel love or joy. I am losing precious time with my kids. It is tragic that I am not the mother I used to be. I don't want to die either, but I can't live like this.

 

 

[[Fa...]]

For anyone interested...may this give you hope back....

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I3h-dqQ5D0U

 

[Guest [su...]]

this can't be real i must have die and gone to hell because my mind and body are destroyed i'm sure i'm never going to be the same..it can't happen.. i'm reved 24/7 like i'm plugged into a socket.. it's not going to stop.. my poor brain is soooooooooo damaged how can it heal?? i just can't take anymore..my soulis gone my mind is gone the best part of me has died. i can't love or feel joy or live my live anymore..so what's the point of it all.. big pharma has murdered me :'( i can't believe it..

[[Fa...]]

Sussie, is there someone like a counselor you can talk to? You need support. Do u live alone? I think u need people around you. There is hope and it is not permanent but it is tricking your mind into believing the worst. You must be stronger than it and gather some positive thoughts. Thinking of you.

[Guest [...]]

Sussie,I have the revved up feeling too.I was so much worse 3yrs.ago,it NEVER let up,i felt like I was going crazy!I still have it after 7 1/2 months off,but now it comes and goes.One day I was actually calm and enjoying the day,and I thought wow,i haven't had a break from the adrenaline/anxiety ever before that day.Then I notice im getting more and more windows of calm and im starting to enjoy things more.Coffee makes my brain more happy and lively,but I have to watch it when I have a bad nervous day,as it can make that worse.I knew I was starting to get better when I felt excited about Christmas this year.My CNS couldn't handle even good excitement the last few years on/off Benzos,so this is a major break through for me and will happen for you too im sure!I got very depressed when I was withdrawing from Lorazapam,cried way more then I do now,but it did lift.Just don't stay in the house too much,get out in the sun(the vitamin D helps us heal,and the cold winter air helps snap me out of dizzy/adrenaline surges for a bit!)go to the store,even if its for just a few things,talk to people and it will make you smile.I don't mean to minimize your sadness and symptoms,cause I know they are just awful,but try and "fake it till ya make it"Keep plowing through.