Family/Holiday induced panic

[[Wi...]]

I used to be able to tolerate dysfunction and so I could tolerate my family and bad job situations and just about any really fu**ed up thing I had to endure.  I suppose it's a healthy thing that I'm not on drugs that allow me to be tolerant to these things.  But the dysfunction didn't change and I still have to be around it only now my CNS refuses to behave. So I'm still immersed in these sick situations, only I have absolutely no protection and no armour.  I was at a "pre" holiday dinner and suffered a horrible panic attack, embarrassed my self by running out of the event.  I hate holidays.  I hate my life. I hate me.

[[De...]]

Holidays can be very strange times. I have not gone to holiday dinner with my family

for the last 4 years and I'm fine with that they are majorly dysfunctional and just create stress

for me which I have no tolerance for anymore. I was able to tolerate so many ridiculous situations

when taking benzos but no longer have tolerance for crap so I avoid it and refuse to be part of it.

Please don't be so hard on yourself look how far you have come things do improve you are moving in the right direction

Be kind to yourself. 

[[Fi...]]

Wow.  I feel just like you tonight and I've actually got what's considered a totally functional family!

[[em...]]

Ugh hate the holidays.  Awkward and forced family time... way too crowded and hot... the spotlight on you and "hey what's going on in your life?".  I hate it.

[[Be...]]

I had to disown some of my family members years ago because of dysfunction.  Now I'm so anxious, I can't even meet with them.  I'll be alone tomorrow because I'm so unwell now. 

[[Fi...]]

Sometimes I think alone is better when we're this way.  Even though I have a nice family, I find it difficult to be "on."  I get stressed to have anything at all on my calendar, but the family gatherings are not something we're going to cancel because of me, obviously.  Mostly I end up doing okay.  I'm blessed to have a new little grandbaby who is very good for the brain healing.  Big shot of oxytocin for everybody from this little guy.  When I'm just too down, though, I don't want him to see me.  I don't want him to have any memories of me being less than my best.  (whatever that was!)

[[Wi...]]

I guess it's not really different than anything else, I'm just so much more sensitive to the challenges of life than I've ever been.  I'm 16 months out and better than I've been since I started this mess, but I feel like an exposed nerve and am affected by even the smallest distress.  And you're right "forced" family get togethers are par for the course. 

 

One problem for me is that I have enough trouble making small talk when I'm not feeling overwhelmed and stressed, but add that to the mix and all I want to do is take the ball and go home, which is exactly what I did last night.  I have 3 more days to get thorugh and I am filled with nothing but dread because I know that even suriving this is not the end, it's going to take me a week after to recover. 

[[Di...]]

Aww, so sorry Wise.  Wish I could give you a big

[[Lo...]]

my family has already had two fights. i want this day to be over so i can go back to my cave. its stressing me out and now i feel that tightness in my chest. worst part i can't even drink to get through the day. I'm just gonna keep to myself and stay out of it....everyone in my family yells at each other and picks out what they are doing wrong all the time. i catch myself doing that. i hate it. i just have to get through the dinner and it will be ok. holidays shouldn't be this stressful. me being on edge doesn't help either. we can get through this people. lets do some deep breathing. i feel sick to my stomach. I'm gonna have to put up with people asking me all these questions and why I'm not working. i haven't asked anyone for money so i wish everyone could piss off. sorry had to vent. i wish everyone would just love each other.  i get made fun of all the damn time about my life right now. i can't wait until i feel better and i can move on from this.  good luck you guys and big hug.

[[be...]]

I used to be able to tolerate dysfunction and so I could tolerate my family and bad job situations and just about any really fu**ed up thing I had to endure.  I suppose it's a healthy thing that I'm not on drugs that allow me to be tolerant to these things.  But the dysfunction didn't change and I still have to be around it only now my CNS refuses to behave. So I'm still immersed in these sick situations, only I have absolutely no protection and no armour.  I was at a "pre" holiday dinner and suffered a horrible panic attack, embarrassed my self by running out of the event.  I hate holidays.  I hate my life. I hate me.

 

How about this recent pre holiday event with my family. My brother upped and announced to all my family members (who don't know I am going through w/d) that I am permanently brain damaged, will never work again and I will become retarded for life. And from now on they should treat me like a 5-year-old. Guess how that made me feel? I just left the room and hid in my bedroom the entire night. hugs, Bets

[[co...]]

Rather than offering unconditional love and support, an awful number of families seem to be full of dysfunction and pain.  Our culture is falling apart...here we are, on Tday, communicating with total strangers looking for the kindness we can't find from our 'families'... 

 

I can't help but miss what I think should have been...

 

My FOO used to go every (most) Sunday to a family dinner at my Grandparent's and hour away.  My oldest son told me a few years ago that he doesn't come see me because I live so far away.  An hour away.

 

I hate holidays, too. 

[[Fi...]]

OMG, Benzo girl.  Hard to believe such cruelty.  He's wrong, of course, and you will show him!  Hang in there.

[[Te...]]

WWWI, here's something from Dr. Jennifer Leigh that might help you this holiday season: http://injennifersgarden.com/

 

I wish all the best for you! Holidays can bring on a lot of stress about family issues and thoughts of the past.

[[Ga...]]

im sorry wwwi :'(

 

 

[[Wi...]]

One of the benefits of this site is it always renews my faith, not just in people, but in myself.  I realize that while I do have some handicaps still to overcome, much of what I'm feeling is part of the human condition and not only because I'm sick. I'm so sorry for all those who experience distress, during and outside of holidays.  Thank you all for responding and helping me get some ground underneath me.

 

Terry

 

Thank you for that link.  That was a lovely reminder.

[[Di...]]

I used to be able to tolerate dysfunction and so I could tolerate my family and bad job situations and just about any really fu**ed up thing I had to endure.  I suppose it's a healthy thing that I'm not on drugs that allow me to be tolerant to these things.  But the dysfunction didn't change and I still have to be around it only now my CNS refuses to behave. So I'm still immersed in these sick situations, only I have absolutely no protection and no armour.  I was at a "pre" holiday dinner and suffered a horrible panic attack, embarrassed my self by running out of the event.  I hate holidays.  I hate my life. I hate me.

 

How about this recent pre holiday event with my family. My brother upped and announced to all my family members (who don't know I am going through w/d) that I am permanently brain damaged, will never work again and I will become retarded for life. And from now on they should treat me like a 5-year-old. Guess how that made me feel? I just left the room and hid in my bedroom the entire night. hugs, Bets

 

Wow!  I'm so sorry Bets. 

 

[[Be...]]

I'm sorry everyone for your difficult holiday gathering.  Benzogirl, that cruelty from your brother is totally unacceptable.  I'm shocked another human being could be so mean.  But, then, I've been abused by just about every member of my family repeatedly and my "friends" too.  Today has just been the pits for me.  Alone eating spaghetti for dinner.  I used to drive to a friends and have dinner, but it's almost an hour away.  Every day is hell.

[[be...]]

OMG, Benzo girl.  Hard to believe such cruelty.  He's wrong, of course, and you will show him!  Hang in there.

 

Ty. But it made me so sad for a few days. Now my brothers treated me differently tonight. As if I had a serious mental disorder.

[[be...]]

I'm sorry everyone for your difficult holiday gathering.  Benzogirl, that cruelty from your brother is totally unacceptable.  I'm shocked another human being could be so mean.  But, then, I've been abused by just about every member of my family repeatedly and my "friends" too.  Today has just been the pits for me.  Alone eating spaghetti for dinner.  I used to drive to a friends and have dinner, but it's almost an hour away.  Every day is hell.

 

I'm equally sorry for you Becks. Sometimes your family can be your worst enemy. And your friends. I don't blame you even trying to attempt that far a drive...I wouldn't. At least we can say good by to Thanksgiving in a few hours. My brother was born mean.

[[Be...]]

benzogirl,  I agree.  I think ppl. are born with their innate dispositions.  some are nice and some are mean.  Ppl. don't get that way.  My nabe was abused by father and other men and she's still very nice all the time to me.  Some ppl. have an abusive gene.  Smart mouth gene.  Angry gene.  Power-tripping gene.  Rude gene, etc.  Many ppl. have been abused relentlessly and don't strike back.  It's all genetic, IMO.  The old fifties movie "The Bad Seed" was so popular because it's true.  Both my parents and one sister have the abusive gene.  My two male friends have the abusive gene and the one guy gets my groceries.  I'm terrified of him.  But, now I need his help.  That's why my anxiety is still so bad.

[[Ga...]]

Rather than offering unconditional love and support, an awful number of families seem to be full of dysfunction and pain.  Our culture is falling apart...here we are, on Tday, communicating with total strangers looking for the kindness we can't find from our 'families'... 

 

I can't help but miss what I think should have been...

 

My FOO used to go every (most) Sunday to a family dinner at my Grandparent's and hour away.  My oldest son told me a few years ago that he doesn't come see me because I live so far away.  An hour away.

 

I hate holidays, too.

 

cookienose

 

thats so sad

 

yeah we used to drive hr away to go to my Grandmothers holidays when i was a kid.

 

 

[[be...]]

benzogirl,  I agree.  I think ppl. are born with their innate dispositions.  some are nice and some are mean.  Ppl. don't get that way.  My nabe was abused by father and other men and she's still very nice all the time to me.  Some ppl. have an abusive gene.  Smart mouth gene.  Angry gene.  Power-tripping gene.  Rude gene, etc.  Many ppl. have been abused relentlessly and don't strike back.  It's all genetic, IMO.  The old fifties movie "The Bad Seed" was so popular because it's true.  Both my parents and one sister have the abusive gene.  My two male friends have the abusive gene and the one guy gets my groceries.  I'm terrified of him.  But, now I need his help.  That's why my anxiety is still so bad.

 

I think I really understand that to be true, Becks. I remember when we were kids he bullied me a lot, to the point of making me cry. My dad was the same way, but what made it worse was that he was a mean drunk. I remember once when I was 10-years-old he put a .357 Mag gun at my head, and said, "Betsy, I could blow your brains out by just pulling the trigger. I was paralyzed with fear. Then the gun went click and no bullet was in there. He just laughed and walked away. And many other problems with him occurred. That's why my pdoc insists that I have PTSD. I would hate to rely on a mean person to do your shopping. I would be terrified of him too. I wonder what mean, sarcastic things he says to you. If it were me, I would order the stuff from the grocery store and have it delivered. No wonder you have anxiety. The very thought of my dad still gives me terrible nightmares and anxiety. Even tho he's dead. I say good riddance to him. One day I will spit on his grave. I didn't even go to his funeral. And altho he was a multimillionaire, he left me $0. If you want to swap sob stories, feel free to PM me. hugs, Bets

[[co...]]

God, benzogirl-that's horrible. 

 

I don't think it's genetic, however...I think it's our influences in the environment...abuse comes from abuse.

 

 

[[Fi...]]

Bets and Becks--my heart goes out to you for what life has handed you in terms of these horrid relationships.  Withdrawal and recovery has been hell for me even with, in theory, the support of a loving family.  I just can't imagine what it would be like to be trying to endure this cruelty.  I agree that you should try to find a way to not be dependent on these toxic people for anything.

 

I don't agree that it's entirely genetic, though.  I think it's pretty clear that how a person turns out is made up of both hereditary factors as well as environmental.  It will be up to you guys to somehow break this abusive pattern.

 

When you are well you will feel like such strong women for dragging yourself through this.  The best revenge is living well.

[[be...]]

Bets and Becks--my heart goes out to you for what life has handed you in terms of these horrid relationships.  Withdrawal and recovery has been hell for me even with, in theory, the support of a loving family.  I just can't imagine what it would be like to be trying to endure this cruelty.  I agree that you should try to find a way to not be dependent on these toxic people for anything.

 

I don't agree that it's entirely genetic, though.  I think it's pretty clear that how a person turns out is made up of both hereditary factors as well as environmental.  It will be up to you guys to somehow break this abusive pattern.

 

When you are well you will feel like such strong women for dragging yourself through this. The best revenge is living well.

 

Well said! I think the environment that my "dad" had was there was a history of severe alcohol abuse that goes back 6 generations.