Tolerance WD people is this it? Please read I need advice

[Guest [my...]]

Hi all,

Last September I came off of 1 mg of klonopin down to .05 in December.  It wasn't bad. Yes, I did have pretty nasty symptoms at night but it was doable.

 

My Dad who is almost 98 fell last December  and I am his ONLY caregiver.  I had to start taking care of him and still do.  I updosed to .75 in March.  I have stayed there all this year and things just are not getting any better. 

 

On Sunday night I had a weird episode.  Just really bad anxiety and like adrenaline rushes. it lasted for about two hours. 

 

I am getting ready to have surgery (not anymore) so on Monday I went back up to 1 mg.

I mostly went back up because of the surgery and also because taking care of my Dad is another story.

 

Things are getting worse even more.  I woke up this morning and anxiety shot me out of the bed, I can't think, talk, concentrate and my BP is all over the place. Almost to the point where I think I have orthostatic HYPERtension.  It's pretty normal sitting but standing it shoots WAY up.  I'm peeing all the time and have been ever since I updosed to .75.

 

You know I was just going to stay there at 1 again to be able to take care of my Dad and have the surgery but this is not working at all.  I'm scared.

 

Does this sound like tolerance to you?  I went to .75 because my Dad needs me and I can't take care of him under these circumstances.  But it looks like it's not going to let me. 

 

So this is what I did and tell me please if this if right.  I only updosed to 1 mg for two days.  So today I'm back down to .75 and I want to slowly keep titrating down.  Does this sound right?

 

My Dad has no one and he wants no one but me.  He won't budge.  He is still in his right mind, but he is bedridden.  My whole life right now revolves around taking care of him.  Please advise if you can. 

 

I can't go into surgery like this. My recuperation will be a living hell.  My Dad was going to hire someone just for a couple of days but that's it.

This might be all in my head but updosing seemed to make things worse. 

 

Thanks,

Cappi

 

There's more but you get the jest.   

[[be...]]

I am sorry you are feeling badly. Tolerance is where the dose you once took no longer does. One can get very sick during this time. I went through a horrible tolerance withdrawal, although I had no idea why I was so sick. I chased from hospital to hospital and no one knew why I was so sick. I know now.  Inner dose withdrawal is where you get symptoms between your doses.  Since you updose did not work it sounds like you have reached tolerance. You must be very strong to take care of your father right now. Good luck with your surgery Monday. I have surgery on Monday as well. They are using no benzodiazepines for the procedure.

[[Fi...]]

My heart goes out to you.  It's hard to see how a person going through benzo hell can also manage to be the full time caregiver of another human being.  It just doesn't compute!

[Guest [my...]]

Thank you Benzos R.  I remember you because I've been here quite a while.  I hope your surgery goes well.  I don't think I'm going to have mine like this. 

 

 

Thank you Finally for your kind words.  I really appreciate it.

 

I would just like to know for all that reads if you think those two days of updosing hurt me?

 

Thanks again.

Cappi  

 

 

 

[[Fi...]]

I doubt a couple of days would hurt that much.  Even if it did, it's water under the bridge.  No point in looking back.  You've got a tough enough situation without beating yourself up for briefly upping your meds.  I did one rescue dose of Xanax ten days after going cold turkey.  Yep, I was feeling fine, but actually it just made me realize that I really was addicted.  If you feel lousy and one little pill solves the problem, doesn't that totally show that the drug is your problem?  so I never did that again.  I wanted to lots of times, but the thought that it would just make it that much longer before I was completely well stopped me.  Now you know that the way to well is to get off the benzo so that's the direction you have to go.

 

About your between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place situation--you state that your father will have no one but you.  And you say that like if that's what he says, that's what happens.  If you stay on the drugs in order to satisfy him in this, though, you will in effect be paying a high price.  Is that really what he'd want for you if he understood?

[[Uo...]]

I went through a very similar situation as you. My sister was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer while I was still on benzos and I tapered and went through withdrawal while she was sick. As she became sicker, it became clear that her husband couldn't handle it. He basically checked out. They have two very young children too, 1 and 3 at the time, and he would leave them with us 5-6 days a week. Well I and my mother were the only caregivers who could be there. I left my job to take care of them because she could not afford a nanny or at home care. I can tell you it was absolute hell. I thank the powers that be everyday for my mother. She was a god send and made the entire situation manageable. Should I have stayed on until the situation resolved itself? I am not sure. It would have made my sister's treatment and subsequent death much, much easier to handle, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't quit when I did. I still would have had inter dose withdrawal the entire time and I would still be in acute withdrawal right now instead of being 16 months out. If I had to do it again, I would probably do it the same way. I realized early on that things might get much worse and I did not want to rely on pills to get through it. I did not want my last moments with my sister to be in a benzo induced fog. Being in withdrawal while she was sick was extremely hard. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I don't know what your relationship with your father is like, but I would never have forgiven myself if I let my sister go through that alone or with strangers.

[Guest [my...]]

I just got off the phone with him.  BTW, we live 5 minutes from one another and I'm over there most of the day.  HE says I can go home at night.  I told him how I was feeling and he said I was looking for an excuse to get out of taking care of him. 

 

He has been my number one priority all of this year.  I have done everything I could for him because I want to and he is my father. HE has no help and I know how that feels.  He never get outs of the bed.  I can't believe he said that to me.  He will have no understanding of this.  I don't know how I can do this now ever since Sunday night something happened to me and it's the tolerance kicking in.  :'( :'(  I want and need to slowly keep removing this. 

 

I have to reread what ya'll wrote and reply but I'm too cranked up right now.  Thank you.

 

Cappi

[[Fi...]]

Oh Cappi, that makes my heart hurt that he said that to  you.  It brought back the memory of the day something snapped in me with my mom.  I was on the phone with her, trying to explain my situation.  I was only a couple of months off Xanax.  I'd had to cancel lunch with her that day and asked only that she wouldn't be mad at me for it.  She scolded me, saying I didn't know what it was to be alone and that she often wondered, WHERE WAS MY GRATITUDE?  Oh, sorry for not feeling grateful.  I was busy feeling suicidal.  That was it.  I decided to give up trying to make her understand and have avoided being with her one on one.  This past summer I had to help her move to an apartment and put her house on the market, and that was extremely stressful.  I really paid, although I don't honestly know if I'd have healed faster minus the stress.  But, like you with your father--she's my mother, I'm the daughter in town, this was my card I drew and nobody else could really cover this for me. 

 

But I did it without going back on the meds.  I was not going to hurt myself for her benefit.

 

I'm rambling, but sometimes you just have to take care of yourself!  Nobody understands what this feels like, even the loved ones who are sincerely trying.  Forget the ones who say they love us but sometimes you wonder if it's that they love the idea of feeling they have somebody to take care of them.

 

Keep us posted how it goes and what you decide. 

 

[Guest [my...]]

I went through a very similar situation as you. My sister was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer while I was still on benzos and I tapered and went through withdrawal while she was sick. As she became sicker, it became clear that her husband couldn't handle it. He basically checked out. They have two very young children too, 1 and 3 at the time, and he would leave them with us 5-6 days a week. Well I and my mother were the only caregivers who could be there. I left my job to take care of them because she could not afford a nanny or at home care. I can tell you it was absolute hell. I thank the powers that be everyday for my mother. She was a god send and made the entire situation manageable. Should I have stayed on until the situation resolved itself? I am not sure. It would have made my sister's treatment and subsequent death much, much easier to handle, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't quit when I did. I still would have had inter dose withdrawal the entire time and I would still be in acute withdrawal right now instead of being 16 months out. If I had to do it again, I would probably do it the same way. I realized early on that things might get much worse and I did not want to rely on pills to get through it. I did not want my last moments with my sister to be in a benzo induced fog. Being in withdrawal while she was sick was extremely hard. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I don't know what your relationship with your father is like, but I would never have forgiven myself if I let my sister go through that alone or with strangers.

 

Uof,

 

This is a sad story and I'm sorry for your loss.  I surely understand how your Mother was a Godsend. I know it must have been hard. This is hard enough when we have people who do understand, people who aren't sick etc.  It's good that you are sixteen months out. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Cappi

[Guest [my...]]

Oh Cappi, that makes my heart hurt that he said that to  you.  It brought back the memory of the day something snapped in me with my mom.  I was on the phone with her, trying to explain my situation.  I was only a couple of months off Xanax.  I'd had to cancel lunch with her that day and asked only that she wouldn't be mad at me for it.  She scolded me, saying I didn't know what it was to be alone and that she often wondered, WHERE WAS MY GRATITUDE?  Oh, sorry for not feeling grateful.  I was busy feeling suicidal.  That was it.  I decided to give up trying to make her understand and have avoided being with her one on one.  This past summer I had to help her move to an apartment and put her house on the market, and that was extremely stressful.  I really paid, although I don't honestly know if I'd have healed faster minus the stress.  But, like you with your father--she's my mother, I'm the daughter in town, this was my card I drew and nobody else could really cover this for me. 

 

But I did it without going back on the meds.  I was not going to hurt myself for her benefit.

 

I'm rambling, but sometimes you just have to take care of yourself!  Nobody understands what this feels like, even the loved ones who are sincerely trying.  Forget the ones who say they love us but sometimes you wonder if it's that they love the idea of feeling they have somebody to take care of them.

 

Keep us posted how it goes and what you decide. 

 

Finally,

I'm sorry you had a rough time with your Mom as well. You can ramble all you want.  In fact, I have been wanting to post this for a long time but I just never do and I'm not quite sure why.  I get on and read, and yes, I have posted plenty, but really never let the dirty laundry out if you will.

It's sooooo soooo very hard when people don't understand.  I really don't expect them to, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I'm touched that I got the responses that I did.  I'm glad you let it out too.  My Dad is so "old" you know.  But I swear he is still in his right mind.  Thank God.  I guess he's going to expect me to do this while I do what I need to do.

 

However, right now there is no other choice.  His other children aren't very nice and never come around.  I can't do that to him.  I guess we will see how this goes.  Thank you so much for talking with me. It really does help.  It's so weird that right before I was supposed to have surgery, this is happening.  And I really need this surgery.  It's for my Graves eyes.  OH BOY!

 

Cappi

[[Fi...]]

I completely understand about your reluctance to simply abandon your father. These parents of ours are, after all, going to die one of these days, and we will be left with our feelings about ourselves and whether we did the right thing.  My husband is really good at trying to help me figure out how to walk that fine line so that I won't be slammed with horrible guilt if and when she dies.  It's tricky to figure out what's the right thing to do.  Too far one way and you'll feel terribly guilty.  Too far the other way and you aren't sticking up for yourself and you may be left with a lot of unhealthy bitterness and resentments.

 

Sometimes I try to think of myself as two separate people, the sick one trying to get well and the person calling the shots and saying what's right and what's a good RX for me.  I try to think how I'd advise somebody I love and wanted to root for and then do that for myself!