Intense Rage?

[[Se...]]

I am not an angry person.  This w/d has brought out an intensely raging person in the last couple of weeks.  I punched a pillow until my knuckles bled the other night.  I wanted to punch a wall, but was afraid I'd break my hand and have to go to the (dreaded) hospital.  So much anger coming out of quiet, (normally) pleasant little me.  It's the drug.  Of course it is, but very few people understand how it hijacks our central nervous systems.

 

I also was rude to the receptionist of the ENT doc I called today in order to re-schedule an app't.  In fairness to me, she was abrupt, snotty and non-compassionate (no surprise there; in my experience, this is how many doc's offices tend to operate... herd the stupid cattle in and out... anyway, I digress.)  I lost it with her.  I normally do not do this.  Ever.  People have always remarked how easy I am to get along with.  This is all rather shocking to me.  This w/d stuff leaves one seriously questioning who the eff one IS anymore.  But I do know that rage is NOT me.

[[No...]]

SerenityNow ... the rage is not us ... and I have no "simple" explanation for its origins ... I find when I lose my sense of what I call "going slow" then I can get tangled up in the "energy" that is moving around and looking for "release" ...

 

And I believe this "energy" is connected to recovery ... and ... it is "self-dissipating" ... that is ... I do not need to "do" anything with it ... it will find its own internal expression and release on its own if I stay out of the way ... I believe this is not an "energy" I can "work with" ... and I am "safe" in its presence ... I just acknowledge it when it is around and let it be ... it find that is does not need "me" to "release" it ...

 

I find that there is much going on during this process that is "mysterious" ... yes, I do experience as happening within ... and learning to let some of this stuff just "be there" for as long as it needs to be there ... and not "engage with it" ... and it always moves on when it is done with what it needs to do for my recovery ...

 

Sorry if this is a messy post ... hard to put some of this stuff into words ...

 

Take Care ...

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

I get it too and I hate it! It's so uncomfortable and I always say something I don't mean. At the time I think it's justified but later when I calm down I regret it. I try not to say anything anymore when I get like that. I feel like breaking things and picking fights like some kind of lunatic! It scares me because it takes all I gave to not lose it.

[[Qu...]]

I sometimes get rage but it seems like a justified rage - at the medical system that has done this to us. It might not be healthy but I think it is justified. I don't scream or punch stuff, though. Just an occasional post like this!

 

 

[Guest [ma...]]

Hi Serenity,

 

Rage that began while still taking the prescribed dose of Klonopin is what woke me up, and made me realize how much the drugs were changing me. The first time it happened it scared me terribly. It did become worse after my c/t and then even worse after being reinstated and going c/t again. It's all gone now.

 

It took a long time but it's all gone now. In retrospect I can remember being so angry at everyone and anything for years while on benzos but of course had no idea at the time what was going on. I knew that I was never rage filled before the drugs and I hung onto that fact. I am glad that you also recognize it's not you. The best coping strategies for me were to remove myself physically until I calmed down from a physiological stand point, and to count to at least 10 before opening my mouth. The rage for me felt like a chemical storm or as if I was standing on a platform while a train was arriving. Once I recognized that over the top feeling, that was the cue that I tuned into to use some CBT skills.

 

Hope it gets better for you soon, mandala

[[Se...]]

Thanks so much, guys, for your support and input to this topic.  I remember having similar drug-induced fits of rage years ago when coming off Paxil.  I threw my electric toothbrush into the bathtub with such force that it broke.  That really frightened me @ the time, because my children were little and I became frightened to be around them.  I must remember when talking to my therapist that this rage is from the drug; it's got very little to do with my childhood or past experiences.  Most therapists don't fully understand this stuff, although my current therapist is a lapsed pharmacist, so she is somewhat familiar.  I guess that is a blessing.

 

Qui... I, too, have the rage you speak of... the rage directed toward barbaric western medical practices and its practitioners (the slicers & the poisoners)... this is ongoing.  I hope that one day I will be able to make peace with that, but it will not be until I am fully healed.  Intellectually, I know that if we continue to harbour this rage, it will only eat away at us, but right now, like you... I cannot let it go, either.

 

Be well, everyone