Help again please. Morning 4am terrors, anxiety, fear. Alone.

[[ro...]]

WWWI,

Yes I see you too took ativan a while. I thought I was over the ativan wds bc I co to valium. I really was excited thinking, foolishly, that I wpuld be getting better by now...healing...down to 5.5 v, so I thought I'd be 50% improved but in fact I feel more sad, wired, tired, just like a body observing myself..very bizarre..I've been tapering v since early spring.

Your right, my brain takes things I never obcessed about before, and goes to dark places, creates fear, doubt.all in the early hours, but it seems to afternoon, bc its 3:20 here and I'm still trying to rid my mind.tv, iPad, games, phone friend...I'm afraid it never going toget better..

Yes, challenging with stress.more responsibility, not that I want to do nothing, but the tasks require concentration, long drives to moms place and her dr apt, eye surgery..all upsetting my cns..easily to get nervous, down....in an ideal taper, they say to avoid stress..I cant, and it's every pivotal person close to me, mom, spouse, son.They all are stressful to me.my own family, I need to lean on, and it's the opposite. I pray good changes occur...

I am watching a Christmas movie actually, ok, I'm not to stress about Christmas. Not excited as I once was, gosh I hope I see some window in the new year..

Many thanks for reinforcing the facts of this process..will try to keep going, have not much choice, so I dearly hang on..

Hugs. Rose

[[ro...]]

Fluter,

You have more to handle with two parents. My dear lady. Do you have kids to help?

I have one son, miss him, not able to visit much.

The aging parents at this time , is bittersweet. I do most, as siblings are younger and work. Some out of state. I get upset, I use to be more angry, then it just turned to fatigue, worn out feeling, down..

Can't fight them anymore. So I push myself as I can.somdsys my driving is very bad from no sleep.

I just pray to get her appts done..and stay safe..

I wish I could toughen up.

You are healthier for not crying more, I think it's better to be more angry, than feel torn down. I wish I could be this way,it protects you..too focus on yourself, survival..need that.

Tried a lot for the mental stuff, it seems it may only come on its own time...

Just keep going and share with friends here as you said.

I know I can be myself, say what's real for me, and people get it, they don't judge.

On days it's so hard, our buddies do keep us afloat..

I'm so grateful for this forum.

Hugs to you and lots of love Fluter,

Means so much, rose

[[Ba...]]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much Rose. My heart goes out to you.

 

I have also lost a baby and had my heart broken (in the truest form)..... And I feel however terrible this experience fades in comparison. I have hope that time will heal here, I know that no time will ever make my previous heartbreaks lesson (one just finds a place for them and a way to live with them.)

 

I realise how lucky I am that this isn't as hard as my previous hardships and feel all the more for you that you are feeling worse. We are all here for you and in the virtual world we are holding you close and stroking your hair and back saying soothingly "we love you and will be here for you no matter how long you need us" xoxo

[[ro...]]

Here again,

Morning awake at 4 . Flooding of intrusive thoughts. Have prayed, watched tv, petted dog. Crying. Kind of shakey. Everyday, I think I'm going to wake , new, different, but it comes on, always the same aloneness, worries, fears. I don't know how I can experience this torment each morning. My husband in other room, he won't get up with me if I go to him. He wants to sleep. I can't lay with him bc he won't hold me.so I lay there alone, next to him. I'm scared. Do you have experience with this?

How do I do this alone?

He will then get up, dress, brush teeth and go. He doesn't drink coffee with me..home at 5 pm and then downstairs on treadmill, shower, bed..

I want to go do something today, but lately nauseous, sick to stomach. Mom is in Nsg home, it's a drive, and kind of a sad place. I'm afraid I may be there soon. My sister works and has a special training, so she can't come over during day. My friend works all day.

I'm sorry, just so scared and alone. It's all the mind stuff.i know part is the wd, but maybe I'm just extremely depressed.

Had to let it out, came here..feel like I have no place else. Wish I could make myself work. Get up, go do something. But I'm in no condition. I want to get right. Please help tell me I'm not losing it.

what am I waiting for? Do I think I'm just going to wake up one day recovered?

I did think this months ago, it's not happening, it could take another year, oh my God, I'm so weary friends. I understand why ppl give up.i don't want to, please, what can I do ?

Therapist only helps when I see her, then when I leave, I seem to fall back.

I wish she lived with me..

Crying, fear , can't stay inpatient at hospital, I couldn't sleep there. It isn't for detox, but sadness.

Not to stop benzo, but for depression..I tried it once..

I'm so scared.

 

Hugs rose

.

[Guest [in...]]

Hello, my dear, this will take time, and I know you are weary of it all. Please give yourself the compassion you deserve. I do know that fear, as Ive told you. It feels like it will never leave...yet eventually, it will. I wish we did have places just for people to go for sadness and stay and be together. A beautiful place with flowers everywhere and colorful walls and lovely music!! Sadness has left me and I feel fab. One day you will too, my dear! 

[[...]]

Rose, have you improved?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this! It will get better! Your body needs to heal and that will take time!!

 

Sending love and hugs! 

 

[[ro...]]

Ingrid, Gmit, I'm the same every morning.crying, more morning fears. I know some of this is the wd, but I'm afraid I'm so depressed.

I too wish there was a place to go, a quiet, lovely, healing place..

The hospital is safe, and the staff is good, but it is very plain, noisy at times, bare, double rooms, no freedoms..lock up makeup, can't go anywhere but from one TV room to another.its not terrible, but I'd go if it were more warm , cozy...so I stay here in bed for now...cold out, overcast.

I'm trying to stop the intrusive thinking, I miss my son, husband, mom..everything has changed.

I feel I need my mom, someone to care for me..isn't this childish? But I'm so changed than I was last year. I'm sorry, I sound like a crazy woman. I'm so sad.

I try every day to believe I'm going to be better...I'm at the same dose as you ingrid, but I'm so depressed, not sleeping well..

You are doing wonderful, what's wrong with me?

I'm not doing this well. There more wrong with me.

 

Rose

[[Wi...]]

Dear rose

 

Whats wrong with u is that u were unfortunately put on ativan.  I know you crossed over months ago, but you are suffering ativan wd.  When i co'd to valioum it allowed me to taper unlike ativan, which i could not, but it never fully replaced ativan, despite the fact that they say a benzo is a benzo.  If they were all exactly alike they wouldnt have different half lives and such.

 

Also while everyone here shares symptoms, it seems that there are specific symptoms that each benzo seems to have more of. Ive noticed that klonipin people more often have burning and pain in the extremites.  And while other benzos have rough mornings it seems like ativan users get to experience a special kind of morning terror. Perhaps this is part of why you and ingrid are not at a similar place.

 

I know just how awful this is.  And as one who never believed it would get better, I'm  here to tell u that it does.  Sadly as you are finding it take time.

 

But the truth is that even while you are on valum you are healing from the ativan.  The proof is in just how crappy you feel.  If the valium were replacing ativan entirely you wouldnt feel this bad.  So there is healing going on.

 

Wwwi

[[Se...]]

Hi Rose, so sorry this hits you every am.

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

--I wish you were truly alone instead of with hubby. He's not able to support or help you, and I think your daily dance with him is really damaging you. Each morning, it's as though he kicks you in the face and leaves you on the floor. Because you keep asking him to give something he can't. Each time you beg him to hold you or drink coffee and chat, and you know he won't/can't, it's like asking him to kick you. That is wounding to your fragile ego every singe time you do. I wish for you to try and change that pattern, to maintain your dignity and allow him his space for now. Living in silence might actually be better. Perhaps try accepting where he is and not asking for ANYTHING from him because it just sets you back further into these depressive and alone thoughts with his constant rejection?

 

--When I had the morning terror/depressive wakeups, the only that worked for me was following the advice on the boards of DISTRACTION. For me, the only distraction that STOPPPED the chatter in my head was reading. Because you can't talk to yourself when reading. With TV you don't really have to pay attention, and then there are the commercials. Reading replaces thought in the mind.

 

I paired reading with The Clock Game. The Clock Game is where you pick a time in the future (can be 8 minutes, 33 minutes, 1 hour 23 minutes etc) in the future. And you pair it with a distraction if possible. "I am going just hang on until 6:33." "I'm going to make it to 10:30, and I am going to clean my bathroom until then."  "I can make it until 12:24, and then I will make lunch." Often when I would check the clock I made it PAST the time I set. Little victories!

 

You may have tried reading already Rose, but I wish you would try again. I loved murder and detective stories but NOT in withdrawal. I was drawn in by stories about women who had challenges and always came out ok. I got attached to the characters much the way we do here on BB with other people we see making it. Please head to the library or Amazon today. Go with a Danielle Steele book, or check out Elin Hilderbrand and Nancy Thayer. I literally read all of their books this summer, a book a day sometimes, and starting at 5 am. Just put yourself into a trance where there is no thinking.

 

I hope this helps. Take some baby steps to change things up. Depression, whether it comes from benzos or on its own, is cruel because it makes it so hard to break out of the patterns that worsen it. Hang in there Rose, go find the reading room on the long slow train ride.

 

 

 

[[ro...]]

WWWI,

I'm not sure friend. I've been off ativan for over 6 months..I hit tolreance with it before I tapered.

I'm so scared. I'm not feeling better. Did you also say you felt all the mental anguish? I'm crying, yet almost frozen with fear.. Breathing, trying to distract..I try the meditation videos, but feel like I can't concentrate...the calmness of her voice, makes me sad bc I want that peace..

See, I'm in a pickle to put it mildly. I'm crying and feel damaged.

Thank you, I wish I could see healing going  on.

I can't just run to the ER again, they'll put me on the mental health unit, then I want to be home...

I'm so lost .

Sorry,

 

Hugs much, rose

 

[[Fl...]]

I feel I need my mom, someone to care for me..isn't this childish? But I'm so changed than I was last year. I'm sorry, I sound like a crazy woman. I'm so sad.

I try every day to believe I'm going to be better...I'm at the same dose as you ingrid, but I'm so depressed, not sleeping well..

You are doing wonderful, what's wrong with me?

I'm not doing this well.

HI ROSEG,

I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING SUCH FEAR, SUCH DESPAIR, AND SUCH LONELINESS.  CHANGE IS SO DIFFICULT FOR MOST OF US. I TO HAVE FELT THE AWFUL BENZO AND LIFE DEPRESSION.

I HAVE HAD MINOR DEPRESSION IN MY LIFE, BUT NOTHING LIKE I HAVE EXPERIENCED WHILE TAPERING FROM XANAX.

 

THERE IS NOTHING CHILDISH ABOUT YOU WANTING LOVE AND COMFORT. WE ALL DO...PLEASE REALIZE THAT THIS IS NORMAL AND CERTAINLY HUMAN NATURE.

 

YOU DO "NOT" SOUND CRAZY! YOU SOUND TIRED AND FRUSTRATED. I UNDERSTAND THESE FEELINGS. I'M SURE WE ALL DO...AND ROSE, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER YOU CAN NOT COMPARE HOW YOU ARE DOING BASED ON HOW ANOTHER BUDDIE IS.  THIS IS YOU INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY.  IT'S SO HARD ROSE, YET, YOU ARE STILL DOING IT.

 

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THERE WERE A NICE COZY, WARM, FRIENDLY COMFORTING PLACE STRICTLY FOR THOSE OF US TRYING OUR BEST TO GET OFF OF BENZOS.  I WOULD JOIN YOU THERE.  INSTEAD, WE WILL CONTINUE TO COME HERE, AND BE BLESSED WITH THE FRIENDS WE HAVE MADE, AND KNOW THAT THEY WILL TRY THERE BEST TO HELP US THRU THE HORID PLIGHT WE CONTINUE TO FIGHT OUR WAY OUT OF.

 

I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND SENDING YOU A WARM HUG  AND PRAY THAT TOMORROW YOU WILL WAKE WITH NO FEAR!

 

BLESSINGS TO YOU...ROSE,

FLUTER

 

[[ro...]]

Seri,

Oh hi dear lady. Yes every morning, the loneliness, he leaves, no closeness. Yes, losing dignity, or have lost it. It is so hard living in the same house with someone so distant. I would go to my sisters if possible. I'm a mess Seri, after months , almost a year, I had hopes all along that I would begin the day upbeat, full of some promise, joy, purpose, but it has gotten worse I believe. My son who is 36 does not visit often, no daughter in law anymore..mom is declining in Nsg home, I'm trying as you know to get out of bed each day, to do things, I have gone to stores, church, visiting friend, but I feel so different. Not really engaged. Some things I think  you said  you also felt.

I try reading, I bought a few novels, but they sit on nightstand..I read a bit, and can't concentrate very much.

Oh I'm rattling on.

I love what you say and your help Seri. I'm on the train, but stuck. Oh Seri...

I do the clock game..I say, please get me to 10 am, then noon, then 3 pm. I don't want to clean, ots terrible, not like me..I have no motivation..this scares me now. Very depressed. I take 7 .5 mgs of remeron at night for sleep, but maybe it's bad for depression, but it's a mild AD..I'm confused. I

Get About 4 hrs of sleep.

Seri, I'll try the clock game and will distract .

The crying is bad, I'm sorry.

I can't go out today.do you know what I mean? I'm trying friend..you are a doll Seri, I wish I could find the courage again like you.

Hugs to you sweet lady..you are a great buddie to so many.

Love. Rose

[[...]]

I feel for you Rose! I tapered (quickly) directly from the lorazepam, never was able to switch to Valium! I had such mental anguish! It's so much less now, but my worst symptoms are depression (which I've never had in my life) or welling void (which I'll take any day over depression)!

 

We are healing! It's slow, but healing is happening!!  Hugs!

 

[[ro...]]

Fluter, hi, what's wrong with me? I'm crying and want to feel stronger.

Every morning , everyday, the fear, intrusive thoughts. I thought time would show more healing of my cns..instead I feel worse. I do have much stress though, a distant spouse, he may not know what to do, but I just want to be held, have company.

I should go see my ailing mom, but find the drive and place there more sad. I'm ashamed to admit it, but she is lonely too and calls for me to visit..I have to take her in a few days to the eye dr again, she is going blind, it is all too much, but I feel guilty for admitting my feelings, 

My cns is so fragile, this taper, and my life situation right now..crying..crying.sorry, not sure what to do.

This use to be morning only, but now all day. I feel I may end up in hospital again..but it's not a cozy place..friendly, but differnt of course.

Yes, I wish I had a healing place, I need it so...

Thanks from my heart Fluter, I wish I could hug you all to pieces..

Feel hopeless, try to find blessings...gratitude, must try harder..

 

Love you friend for reaching out,  rose

[[ro...]]

Gmit,

Did you take anything for the depression?

I'm desperate, but some things have not worked. I'm really afraid.my CNS is fragile still. Trying to appear strong, but quivering inside.

Love rose

[[Fl...]]

Rose, I feel for you.  I am in the same boat.  Wish I could encourage you in some way.  Feel free to message me if you want to.

[[ro...]]

Thank you Flicka,

Crying now, just reaching out, praying..

Sorry you are suffering too.

I'm afraid. I'm 62 , a grown woman been thru so much, but this is not like anything ever.

Bless you

 

Rose

[[...]]

No Rose! I'm toughing it out! I try to remind myself of the windows I've had, where the depression is gone...I tell myself that's what it will be like once I'm healed! I feel for you so deeply!!

 

[[bl...]]

rosegal,

 

One of my worst early WD sx's was night/morning terrors. I would wake up after midnight, terrified and in raging DP/DR. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. Pounding heart, gut in turmoil. It's so hard to try to explain to someone that has not experienced it. I believe it has to do with the benzo's disruption o our sleep cycle. I have also noticed that somehow my digestive process is involved (major stuff happens there when we are sleeping). I finally got some stuffed animals (I live alone), some simple books on CD (I know the Father Tim series by Jan Karon by heart), relaxation CD's (nature, rain) and just hung on. Eventually those nightmare days passed. I get an occasional mild attack, but so far so good at 18 months.

 

Some of the best advice I have found here is "Distraction, distraction, distraction!" It has saved my sanity . I have also forced my self to just go one day, one hour, one minute at a time (depending on how bad it is).

 

Depression, especially bad in  the morning, still lingers, but some days that's not too bad; once I force myself to move into the day it gets better. I still cry at almost nothing, and you have things to be genuinely sad about. Somewhere on the forum is a post about the healing force of tears. It may be that it is a big part of your brains healing...

 

Though I had a hellish group of sx's and am one of the lucky? protracted withdrawal folks  I'm glad I have hung in there so whatever you do, don't give up  You will get through this and be stronger and have lots of encouragement to share with others. 

 

 

[[ro...]]

Blu, thank you so much for sharing and. support.

I'm hardly able to type now,

Just got call from gyn office that my ultrasound is showing a cyst on ovary. Must get blood test to see if marker for ovarian disease...have to make appt..so scared more..I'm sorry, can't type

 

Love rose

[[el...]]

Hi Rose,

 

I want to reassure you  -  ovarian cysts are very common.  I had one also, years ago.  They have to check further just to rule out other stuff, which is protocol.  Nothing was done for my cyst - much of the time they disappear on their own.

 

Wishing you strength to get through this tough period - it will pass and you will be YOU again.

 

Love,

Ellen

[[th...]]

I had a ton of fibroid cysts found last yr in my uterus also, it was benign. Wishing you well hon!!

 

G

[[be...]]

WWWI,

I'm not sure friend. I've been off ativan for over 6 months..I hit tolreance with it before I tapered.

I'm so scared. I'm not feeling better. Did you also say you felt all the mental anguish? I'm crying, yet almost frozen with fear.. Breathing, trying to distract..I try the meditation videos, but feel like I can't concentrate...the calmness of her voice, makes me sad bc I want that peace..

See, I'm in a pickle to put it mildly. I'm crying and feel damaged.

Thank you, I wish I could see healing going  on.

I can't just run to the ER again, they'll put me on the mental health unit, then I want to be home...

I'm so lost .

Sorry,

 

Hugs much, rose

 

Dear dear Rose:

 

I don't think 6 months is enough time for you to heal from your Ativan. Just a guess after talking to friends of mine who were on it for a short while and still haven't healed. So you have a double whammy Rose. Let you body continue its healing process off the A and continue you taper off the V. I've read every single post in this long thread so don't think I am ignoring you. Remember, I was the first buddy you met when you first joined BB? That friendship is so much intact. I sometimes cry when I read your posts; they make me so terribly sad. I just can't imagine the suffering you are going through, but I bet I will down the road. By that time you'll be healed and I won't. So look at the bigger picture Rose as I have never heard, even once, that BBers who stick to their plan continue to remain sick. I be thinking of you, even tho I have from the very beginning. Many hugs, Bets

[[ro...]]

Bets,

Someone else also said my receptors are still,wd ing from the ativan, even this far out I guess.who knows for sure? Maybe I should  have just tapered off the a, but I don't know, it is 8 months on v now...my taper is .25 every two weeks hold plan. I think that is reasonable. To me, there is no connection with my depression,with the reduction taper, but perhaps the v itself and, .. a rather unhealthy place to taper from. If it weren't for my dog, and bb, I'd possibly fail. At no time, do I ever think you ignore me, you have been my friend and encourager from last year and continue to be in my back pocket. Although it may seem that I have amnesia, or like the movie, ...50 First Dates with  Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler...where everything gained that day is lost with the next new day.....I do remind myself of your support, ideas, reassurance. You were my first buddy and Ks..I miss her too, and hope she is well. There's no way that you'll be like me as you reduce, bc I know my sxs are fueled by my many adverse family conditions..they say the best recoveries are done with out added stress and the best time to taper is when one decides when life is more manageable to attempt coming off these meds. In reality though, many ppl like me have life stressors that just happen... health problems, family traumas, life changing events that can compromise gains made.

I'm going to go to bed tonight with this comment you made....".BBers who stick to their plan don't remain sick,"

 

Hugs.  Rose

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[th...]]

Bets,

Someone else also said my receptors are still,wd ing from the ativan, even this far out I guess.who knows for sure? Maybe I should  have just tapered off the a, but I don't know, it is 8 months on v now...my taper is .25 every two weeks hold plan. I think that is reasonable. To me, there is no connection with my depression,with the reduction taper, but perhaps the v itself and, .. a rather unhealthy place to taper from. If it weren't for my dog, and bb, I'd possibly fail. At no time, do I ever think you ignore me, you have been my friend and encourager from last year and continue to be in my back pocket. Although it may seem that I have amnesia, or like the movie, ...50 First Dates with  Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler...where everything gained that day is lost with the next new day.....I do remind myself of your support, ideas, reassurance. You were my first buddy and Ks..I miss her too, and hope she is well. There's no way that you'll be like me as you reduce, bc I know my sxs are fueled by my many adverse family conditions..they say the best recoveries are done with out added stress and the best time to taper is when one decides when life is more manageable to attempt coming off these meds. In reality though, many ppl like me have life stressors that just happen... health problems, family traumas, life changing events that can compromise gains made.

I'm going to go to bed tonight with this comment you made....".BBers who stick to their plan don't remain sick,"

 

Hugs.  Rose

 

OMG!! Totally like 50 First Dates movie where the day before is just repeated! Good reference! And ya, all the bbs we know who have healed ....HAVE HEALED 

 

G