Help again please. Morning 4am terrors, anxiety, fear. Alone.

[[ro...]]

Please, husband sleeps in other room. I wake  alert 4 am, scared..feeling so detached. Prayed for two hours. I had a day put yesterday to visit mom, I try to keep busy during the day.

Crying now, must feed dog, get up..how can I do this? It's not so much the dose reduction, it's the emotional, mental sxs..I feel so alone, he will leave soon for work, then I have to have this morning dread, whatever it is...to deal with..please help, any words, advice...

I watch tv, play iPad, do some tasks..

I'm so afraid..it seems the lower I get, the worse, I thoght I would feel better as the med left me..I can't go slower, I was on tolerance..I have tried holding longer, but it seems to be the same, mentally...

I use to be joyful, u afraid..

Please help..

G, bets, anyone..

Please reassure me, I feel scared, alone, can't see doing this months...I'm trying to love one day at a time,

Please advise me..I'm so scared.

 

Hugs to all, rose

[Guest [in...]]

Rose please go outside and look up at the morning sky, take a deep, cleansing breath. I know that feeling,  I used to awaken at 4 or 5 am, racing heart, bolt up, be in a panic, then the dread, and sadness. I too, did not want husband to leave, scared to be alone.  I dont know how you survive this, but you do. Eventually, you do, my dear. 

[[ro...]]

Ingrid,

Hi, oh thanks for being here. I did, let dog out , went on patio, breathe...cold, but stood there.

This happens ever every morning...so scared.

Made decaf, socks on feet, back in bed, covers, scared.

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you..

The wd from med during this.....was milder last yr in tolerance, but seems to get worse..

I hate being alone..must find a way...

I have gotten out every day, but not helping this morning terror.

Love you for kindness...

 

Rose

[Guest [in...]]

Does the tv help any? I used to turn it on and watch the hgtv shows about houses and such, helped me not feel so alone. Im alone right now, with pets, drinking coffee. But my fears and sadness are not with me. One day, your fears and sadness will be gone. This does not last forever, remember that. 

[[ba...]]

hi rose,

 

i feel some anxiety when im by myself especially far from home i get worried something bad may happen to me what will i do because i've been in that situation before where i was home alone and i had a seizure luckily i was ok that time i just tell myself ill be okay that what happened to me was long ago almost 3 years ago i should think positive and not negative

 

[[ro...]]

Ok, will turn on TV,

It use to help months ago, I watched old reruns, I love Lucy, Andy griffin, 70 s show, but it seems now that doesn't help as much ..but I will turn it on..

It's my home life , I can't change things now..I'm stuck, trying to just get thru this heLing, but domestic problems, financial, child, ..I'm trying for dear life ...

I just begged husband to sit with me, hold me..but he said he has to go..I begged him...

I hug my dog..

I want to leave so bad, but can't inthis condition, I am so alone..

This tapering is so difficult , and then to be with someone who leaves me..

I need to be strong, but so tired of this, hanging on for dear life.

 

God bless you ingrid.

Love rose

[Guest [in...]]

Have you been on "accentuate the positive" thread? It's lovely there. I like reading the quotes for inspiration. My wish for you is that you can let go of all that worry. Worry about financial, domestic, child...it is what it is. I know how difficult it is to turn it all off and concentrate on yourself. Im sorry. The only thing we can be sure of is that things do and can change, and hopefully for the better. 

[[ro...]]

Ingrid,

Yes, I'll look at it. Thanks for pointing it out.

Hope so do much things change ..some good things...I want to get better.

Much love for all your ideas and caring,

Praying this passes..

It's so hard to get back up during these dark, scarey times..

Trying to relax myself like other buddies day,

It's the depression...

 

Hugs sweet ingrid.

Rise

[Guest [in...]]

Does it help any to know that I am also alone at my house? I do have pets as you have your dog. They help alot. But Im not depressed or scared. I do know those feelings though, and it's so, so tough. I never thought I'd be ok, and look at me now. I thought life was over, and my family was in ruins. But it all changed and got better, over time. I had to be patient and I think one of the things that started me getting my life back, was just going for a walk. This was spring though. I had gone thru a brutal winter. We celebrated NO holidays that year. I was a wreck, my life was a wreck. But it all changed and got better. Hang in there, my dear. 

[[Ch...]]

You're getting through this, Rose...it's tough, we knew it was going to be tough...it was the toughest physical challenge of my life and the toughest mental challenge except for one...

 

Morning dreads are cortisol driven.  Turning on the tv is a good way to feel like someone else is in the house with you.  Have you watched the Doc Martin series?  Distracting and good, clean television...nothing to cause anxiety.  Or Ellen, she's always upbeat and happy. 

 

Keep posting, the morning will go, hubby will be coming home...

 

Challis  :smitten: :smitten:

[[ba...]]

hi again rose,

 

im sorry to hear about your financial hardships i just wanted to say you can get some free medication from MHMR there should be one close to you just google mhmr (your county name) it will give you a office in your area the address & phone number they also can give you some free counsiling & see a psychiatrist dr free as well. You should be able to qualify for food stamps a doctor that i've seen since childhood helped me the food stamp office gave me a paper for my doctor to fill out about my health and unable to work i get $200 a month for myself with that, also having food stamps your able to get a free cell phone with free service umm its no i phone or anything hah but its free . you can also get utility discounts many companys offer 60% discount for low income people .

I really hope this helps you  , i feel blessed that my health is improving and im thankfull to people here that helped me quit xanax 8 weeks ago , have a nice day im going back to bed goodnight& god bless you

Katie

[[ro...]]

Chall, oh hi friend.. I know this is the toughest thing I have e ER had to deal with. I lost a child, had many younger traumas,but this is almost a terror to contend with every day.

I just made a peanut butter  on English muffin, a little more decaf, almost 10 am and I'm still in bed.

I'm afraid Chall, the depression, thoughts..the worst sxs..

Soon time for am dose of v, must be not good for depression..gosh, I would give up all I have , I'd sleep on a floor, poor, if I could just have peace of mind and some sleep and joy..

I hopl her don't think I'm neurotic bc I post so much, I'm not...I use to be so secure, happy for no reason...this is not who I was...so scarey to be me and get thru the day..I have to talk to myself all the time, to think positive, I'm not at ease with myself..

Now I do sound as if I've lost it...

Oh...gosh

 

I'm trying Chall, thanks for writing to me and being nearby.

Love and hugs  Roae

 

[[la...]]

ROSE :'( I am right there with you love. This is mental and physical torture but we seem to not die from it. which is amazing to me because I can not see how my body can keep up with this much stress.

 

You know I am right here for you.

 

Now my hypochondria is taking over and I am starting to ruminate every sensation I have. Its horrible to live like this everyday

 

[[ro...]]

Lainey.

Hey there sweet lain..

Yes, you know..I've been going thru this since 4 am. And it goes on till afternoon...

I agree, mental and physical pain..

I too worry how much stress we can take.. I was just in hospital for chest tightness, sensations..

I'm with you too

BLESS YOU FRIEND

I am going to splash cold water in my face...

I took my dose, but I'm just besides myself..

Love you rose

[[Ch...]]

Chall, oh hi friend.. I know this is the toughest thing I have e ER had to deal with. I lost a child, had many younger traumas,but this is almost a terror to contend with every day.

I just made a peanut butter  on English muffin, a little more decaf, almost 10 am and I'm still in bed.

I'm afraid Chall, the depression, thoughts..the worst sxs..

Soon time for am dose of v, must be not good for depression..gosh, I would give up all I have , I'd sleep on a floor, poor, if I could just have peace of mind and some sleep and joy..

I hopl her don't think I'm neurotic bc I post so much, I'm not...I use to be so secure, happy for no reason...this is not who I was...so scarey to be me and get thru the day..I have to talk to myself all the time, to think positive, I'm not at ease with myself..

Now I do sound as if I've lost it...

Oh...gosh

 

I'm trying Chall, thanks for writing to me and being nearby.

Love and hugs  Roae

 

This is good news, Rose, that you were a happy girl before this... it's pretty much accepted that the way we were 'before' is what we can expect 'after'.  In many cases we come out the other side better than we were before because of the gratitude we have for our returned mental and physical health.

 

I've been there myself, Rose.  I know how this goes.  You are going to be fine ....eventually.  It's the 'eventually' that's the toughest part, isn't it?

 

Chal  :smitten:

 

P.S. Rose, you've made so many friends here and touched so many hearts... you're a special gal!! 

[Guest [in...]]

I agree, Rose you are a special gal! 

[[Fl...]]

HI ROSEGAL,

 

I'M READING EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WRITTEN, AND I'M NOW SITTING HERE CRYING!

CRYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS, AND CRYING FOR ME BECAUSE I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING...AS I HAVE BEEN FEELING THE EXACT SAME WAY.

 

I JUST OPENED UP ALL MY WINDOWS, AND THE BREEZE BLOWING THRU FEELS SO GOOD. YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT WHERE YOU ARE.  IT'S NOT THAT COLD HERE.

 

THE MENTAL STUFF FOR ME (AS I'M SURE WITH ALL) IS SO BEYOND SCARY.

 

ALL THOSE WORRIES THAT GET TRAPPED IN OUR THOUGHT PROCESSES...ARE JUST THAT WORRIES.  I'M THE WORLDS WORST ABOUT WORRYING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS MONTHS UP THE ROAD.

I UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE FINANCIAL, KIDS, PARENT'S (WELL FOR ME IT'S PARENT'S) IT ALL JUST COMPOUNDS AND SHOWS ITSELF IN OUR FEARS.

 

ONE THINK I HAVE BEEN DOING IS REALLY WORKING HARD ON RE*TRAINING MY BRAIN OR MAYBE I SHOULD SAY TRYING TO RE*TRAIN MY BRAIN. MY THOUGHT PROCESSES.  I HAVE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD ABOU TURNING A DEAF EAR AND A BLIND EYE AND FOCUSING ON WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

 

LIKE YOU AND INGRID...I TOO AM ALONE. I HAVE NO SPOUSE.  WE HAVE TO BE HERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TOO. THIS HELPS!

 

I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LOTS OF TIME ON THE "ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE" THREAD "QUOTES, POEMS, PHRASES, IMAGES...IT HELPS ME SOOOO MUCH (RIGHT INGRID)

 

I AM POSTING SOMETHING FOR YOU THAT I POSTED IN THE "ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE THREAD YESTERDAY"

 

AS OF LATE THE CHILD THAT STILL REZIDES DEEP INSIDE OF ME...LONGS FOR THE COMFORTING LOVE THAT ONLY A MOTHER CAN BRING.

 

 

WE "ALL" WANT LOVE...SADLY, SOME OF US DO NOT GET IT OR HAVE MOTHERS TO GIVE IT TO US.....SO, FOR THOSE WHO NEED SOME MOTHERLY LOVE ON THIS DAY....R.G., CONSIDER YOURSELVE WRAPED GENTELY IN MY ARMS, AND DRAWN LOVINGLY TO MY CHEST, HEAD TO MY HEART. I AM NOW SQUEZZING YOU GENTELY AND STROKING YOUR HEAD AND SAYING "I LOVE YOU" AND YOU WILL BE OKAY!

 

WE WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!

LOVE TO YOU, HEALING HUGS TO YOU, FREEDOM FROM FEAR TO YOU, FRIENDSHIP TO YOU,

FLUTER

 

[[Fl...]]

ROSEG,

 

I ROCK IN MY ROCKING CHAIR...IT EXERTS ENERGY, AND I ALSO LOVE THE FEELING OF PUTTING MY FAVORITE BALNKET IN THE DRYER AND THAN WRAPPING MYSELF IN IT.

 

IT IS COMFROTING AND SOOTHING TO ME.

 

HAVE YOU TRIED THAT?  IT MAY BE WORTH IT

 

I DO HOPE YOU START TO FEEL LESS FRIGHTENED!

 

HUGS,

FLUTER

[[th...]]

Hi hon!! Sorry I didn't catch this post sooner! I wish I could help more. I wish you had more support! I wish you would get some relief. Someday....we will. Like Challis says, its the waiting that is most difficult. The 4 am panic wake up call is horrific night after night! Especially when sleep is also evaded at bedtime. It's sooo tough! I know! I get so worked up that I have to ask my husband to leave the bed bc I can't have anyone by me or touching me! It makes me feel suffocated! I can't breathe lots of the time and have to just try my best to relax and focus on my breathing. I also "tap" several times in the early mornings, it's an odd type of therapy but it helps. Then I want him near in the next minute so I understand this need too. It's so tough. So sorry hon 

[[ro...]]

Fluterbyee, oh my gosh, I'm ready to go bonkers. My iPad just lost a whole message twice to you..

I took dog for a short walk, sunny out, but I'm resting today in bed. It's 12 35 here in Midwest.

I loved the picture and the warm comforting message. I do miss my moms comfort, I admit..she just told me that I was her mom, she is my child...I held back tears...I know her decline is affecting me and my responsibilities...caring for her with Nsg home...I take her to appts, hair, Drs...outings, I do her bills.

Is it childish to admit I miss her comforting me?

Must be the med wd again bc Im a quivering marshmallow when she hurts or is lonely too..

This wd! I have all kinds of emotional sxs.. Just put of the blue..my depression in high gear..

It is hard without a partner..I'm sorry for you too..even mine here, goes off and I'm alone..

I try to get out a bit most days, but my heart is on my sleeve..does anyone else get this teary, sad?

Praying for the freedom from fear....need to waken one day without it...just to remember how it feels...

Hugs dear Fluter for your comfort and reassurance..couldn't do this without such good ppl here..

I will read more on the positive thread.

Ingrid said to see it too.

No rocking chair, but I do warm my blankets too...it is calming, I do whatever I can...

How did you tune out the tormenting thoughts, and get to just the now?

I tried mindfulness, imagery, ...it doesn't seem to help....

I just have to keep going..

Bless you and I'm so grateful you are here..

Love. Everything dear Fluter..

Learning from you all

 

Love and hugs. Rose

 

[[ro...]]

Katie,

Hi. I have seen a years post, but don't believe we're in tune. She has no kids, never took meds, and just tells me to sweat it out.. Work out and sweat...I know exercise is good, but must be me...

I've tried CBT, and some ADs..

I believe I have fears due to my home stressors, my age 62..

Afraid of our retirement now, my not doing much with grandson like I planned..he's 15 . So many things to tumble a normal person , not in wds....

I will keep trying new therapists, or coming here. Most ppl say the mentsl sxs of wd are like mine..

Hoping for some relief..

I'm so glad you feel better..it gives me hope.

Ppl here are the best too.

But you did the work...I'm trying ..

Love you sweet girl..

Nice to meet you

Rose

[[be...]]

Hi Rose:

 

I very well know what sheer misery you are going through. It must be terrible for you. Just know that it is the afternoon right now and hubby will be back before you don't it. Sometimes, even tho I am on sleep aids, I wake up exactly at 4 am. Not 4:01 or 3:59, but on the dot. And I have no hubby at all, tho yours isn't perfect anyway. But at least it's a body. Do you have Netflix? That's the best distraction I have, outside of driving all around town, doing errands and such. I don't know if you can afford Netflix, but if you get the streaming version you can watch as much as you want whenever you want. It's $7.99/month. When I wake up at 4, and there is no hope for sleep, I turn on Netflix and watch an episode of Orange Is The New Black. Quite a strange series but after you watch the first episode, you get hooked. Maybe that's the distraction you need. After all, you can't rake up leaves at 4 am, can you? And once it is hooked up, there is nothing more that you have to do but turn on your TV, turn on your blu ray disc player or whatever device you use, and there you go! Night seem like it lasts forever no? And I don't go to bed until 1 a.m. So I am hoping and praying that you get better Rose. You are not so far off from being benzo free, so each day you make it is one day closer. I'll be thinking of you, as I have done so for quite a while now. Probably for a year, when we first met. Many hugs, Bets

[[ro...]]

Grinch,

Yeah here I am again.

These horrible mental sxs. Their destroying me..I yry distraction, everything you say about being grateful for so much...but they return every morning and mess with me that I shake.

I asked my hubby to just hold me...till I felt calm....I beg him...

I have to believe this goes away...this mental torment..o feel guilty for not working as we have lost our medical business..I don't see my grandson..it's been over a month ...I'm tired of feeling this way, crying...feeling wahed out, tired, worried, anxious..

Sorry, I don't mean to sound this way....o hate the fear..

What, please G,  what can I tell myself to counter the fears?

That I'm more than my mistakes? I'm not a failure, I'm not lazy, my zest will come back, my smiles.

This damn depression and anxiety is coming out I guess from tapering and my stuff at home..

Neither of which I can control...so I try to float....just get thru another day....it is just existing...that's what knocks me down...just existing...

I'm lucky yes than others with worse fates..so why can't I just get happy with that?

My unwell brain....

Chall and you are right, it will one day recover, I hope amidst all this , I still keep hope, like a miracle..

Gosh, just cry so much, I think too much..got months to go..unless I go faster

Ike Ashton has for v taper...but that is bad too. She does indicate larger cuts from v, and faster....the irony of this....

I co per Ashton , yet tapering much slower than she says....

Mentsl pain

 

It's tough,

Yes I want my hubby to hold me, but then he doesn't feel comforting, so I go off alone...

Ugh!,,, I'm bonkers..

 

Please tell me not to feel guilty, jealous, missing out, just existing...

Please kick me in my whatever...a Grinch..

 

Love. Rose

 

[[Wi...]]

Oh Rosegal,

 

My heart breaks for you.  I genuinely believe that Ativan/Lorazepam has it's own special place in hell.  I know all benzos cause different and bad w/d, but Ativan and perhaps Xanax, I believe because of their short half life, cause the mind torture you are experiencing.  ALL of it is  w/d.  All of the guilt, the remorse, the shame, the self contempt, the self reproach it is all w/d.  There is usually a small strand of truth but our brains take it an make it into a monster, especially in the early, dark mornings. But it's simply not true. You are not the person that your mind tries to convince you that you are.  It's difficult enough, but added stress makes it even more challenging and you seem to have more than your share.

 

And while those monsters have not left me entirely, they have certainly improved and are not nearly as horrific as they were and as yours are.  To have to go through what you do every morning is intolerable I know.  The best things I found were do whatever I could to block my thoughts in the morning.  It's really hard to do since the monsters in my head can be very determined to keep my mind spinning.  But try to take very slow deep breaths and concentrate on counting backwards from 100.  Everytime your mind wants to go back to spinning, keep forcing it back to counting and deep breaths.  There is NOTHING that can be accomplished by trying to counter what your mind is saying. You are being ambushed by glutamate. You can't think your way out of this. So don't try.  Just count or get out of bed and watch tv, do anything that you can do to shut your mind down until things begin to calm a little.

 

My thoughts are with you. 

 

WWWI

[[Fl...]]

Fluterbyee, oh my gosh, I'm ready to go bonkers. My iPad just lost a whole message twice to you..

SOME DAYS ALL THESE SORCES OF TECHNOLOGY ARE SOOOOOO FRUSTRATING! JUST MAKES YA WANT TO SMASH SOMETHING...WELL, IT DOES ME ANYWAY.

 

I took dog for a short walk, sunny out, but I'm resting today in bed. It's 12 35 here in Midwest.

I loved the picture and the warm comforting message. I do miss my moms comfort, I admit..she just told me that I was her mom, she is my child...I held back tears...I know her decline is affecting me and my responsibilities...caring for her with Nsg home...I take her to appts, hair, Drs...outings, I do her bills.

 

ROSE G, WE ARE IN A SIMILAR BOAT. I AM TAKING CARE OF BOTH OF MY PARENT'S, AND I LIVE WITH THEM WHILE DOING IT. IT'S ABOUT CAUSED ME TO COME UNDONE.  MOM IS 79 WITH DEMENTIA, BLIND IN HER LFT EYE, & MANY OTHER ILLNESSES.  DAD IS 87 WITH SEVERE CERVICAL & LUBMAR SPINAL STENOSIS.  THEY CAN BARELY WALK. I DO EVERYTHING, AND I AM RESENTING IT.  THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE, AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SELF PRESERVATION. I'VE BECOME AN ANGRY / BITTER INDIVIDUAL.  I TOLD GRINCH...I'M JUST TOXIC.

 

Is it childish to admit I miss her comforting me?

 

HEAVENS NO...IT IS NOT CHILDISH TO WANT COMFORTING FROM YOUR MOTHER.  IT'S HUMAN NATURE.

 

It is hard without a partner..I'm sorry for you too..even mine here, goes off and I'm alone..

 

THERE IS ALL KINDS OF LONELY RG. WE CAN BE IN A ROOM FULL OF OTHERS AND FEEL TOTALLY ALONE.

 

I try to get out a bit most days, but my heart is on my sleeve..does anyone else get this teary, sad?

 

I DON'T CRY OFTEN...FEAR & FRUSTRATION SHOWS ITSELF IN THE FORM OF ANGER AND RESINTMENT. IT'S MY WALL...THAT I HAVE BUILT UP AROUND ME.  I THINK IT SERVES TO PROTECT, BUT REALLY I KNOW IT JUST MAKES ME MORE MISERABLE.  I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LET MY GUARD DOWN....TO DO SO...MEANS I MAY BE HURT....I TRY AND AVOID THAT.

 

How did you tune out the tormenting thoughts, and get to just the now?

 

SWEETIE, I HAVEN'T. AT THIS TIME...I AM IN A STATE OF TORTURE WITH MENTAL THOUGHTS.  IT'S BEYOND SCARY FOR ME.  I CAN TAKE THE PAIN (EVEN THOUGH I WHINE ABOUT IT) HOWEVER, THE MENATAL STUFF IS MY UN*DOING!

 

I tried mindfulness, imagery, ...it doesn't seem to help....

 

IT DOESN'T HELP ME EITHER.

I just have to keep going..

Bless you and I'm so grateful you are here..

Love. Everything dear Fluter..

Learning from you all

 

RG...WE ALL JUST HAVE TO KEEP GOING.  YOU KNOW WHO SAID IT BEST? DORI...IN FINDING NEMO...JUST KEEP SWIMMING, JUST KEEP SWIMMING, AND ON THE DAYS WHEN WE FIND IT NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE OUR FRIENDS HERE ACT AS OUR LIFE JACKETS AND SURROUND US AND KEEP US A FLOAT AND MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

 

LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP,

FLUTER