Peace and comfort at long last!

[[bu...]]

Like so many I wanted to wait until I felt 100%, but I’m afraid if I do that I won’t have the desire to think about it enough to write my success story. I guess you don’t need to be 100% to be okay again, but complete recovery was all I could think about when my throat was closing off and my tongue was burning and I couldn’t sleep or eat.

 

I’ll say I’m at 95%. My waves are far better now at 17 weeks off than my windows were at 4 weeks off. I still can’t drink – had one beer on social occasions 3 times in the last 3 weeks and the next day my throat tightened up. Not a coincidence, so I’ll wait.

 

The tinnitus (I refuse to call it “my” tinnitus) comes and goes. Sometimes it roars and sometimes it’s so quiet I think I might be imagining it when I listen hard. It used to wake me up and totally freak me out. That doesn’t happen anymore. And I’ll tell you, the fear of tinnitus has been way worse than the actual thing for me. Once I accepted that it was happening, accepted that it was temporary, it was much better. IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER!

 

My throat still tightens up at times, it gets these patchy weird numb feelings. I wait and it goes away.

 

I sleep great! One night I just started sleeping again and it’s been fine ever since. Good. Solid. Hours and hours of it. No bad dreams, no night sweats, no surging into the darkness after 40 minutes of fitful sleep, no waking up dreading the day.

 

The anxiety was worst for me looking back – I may not have said that when I couldn’t eat or sleep - but the anxiety was under everything. Without that nagging thing telling me the worst was true, all the physical stuff wouldn’t have been so scary. The anxiety left me in fits and starts. I’m not completely confident that it’s totally gone but it’s been days and days since I’ve felt that very unique anxiety that comes with benzo withdrawal and recovery, and months since I was stuck to the couch, afraid to take the dogs out or watch tv, afraid everyone I loved was out dying a terrible death.

 

After 26 days of use (and less than the daily amount prescribed) I am at 17 weeks off and still have symptoms, but I have been totally functional since about 8 weeks off. I imagine it will be several more weeks (months) until this is just a thing of the past. I’m okay with that. From where I stand now, it’s no big deal.

 

I will say that I had no anxiety for many years prior to this – I was prescribed Xanax due to a bad reaction to a temporary aluminum crown which caused horrible anxiety – didn’t know what it was – started the Xanax – the rest is history. I’m glad I figured it out so quickly – and without the help of my doctors. My dentist didn’t think an aluminum crown could do that to a person (though she wasn’t a jerk about it), my doctor didn’t think Xanax could do this to a person (also not a jerk about it.) But I had to figure it out on my own. I am proud of that – and if you had to figure your stuff out on your own (no matter how long it took) then I’m proud of you too!

 

I had a list of about 35-40 symptoms. I’m down to about 5 and they aren’t invasive. I even stopped making ear wax for over a month! (lol) I had some weird ones –  like I lost feeling on one side of my throat periodically, that still happens sometimes.

 

I walked a lot. I talked about my symptoms ALL the time. It was all I thought about. That’s over. I’m good. I’m comfortable. I’m back to eating almost whatever I want and kicking ass at work. I can take a nap. I went to Europe at 8 weeks off and Vegas just last month. I was terrified at the thought of the Europe trip but it was beautiful – perfect even. I think it actually helped to get out of my freaked out routine.

 

I haven’t said all the things I imagined I’d say when this time came.

 

I’m sorry you're reading it because that means you’re having (or have had) a very tough time, but I’ll tell you the fear goes away, the sleeplessness, the inexplicable sensations, the pains, the ear ringing (at least it’s on its way!) I feel good. I have fun. I laugh about stupid stuff and sing in the hallways at work again. I love madly, just like before. I’m okay. You will be too.

 

[[Ca...]]

Thank you for writing...words of hope! So happy for you. Best to you as you continue to heal.

Warmly,

Carita

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi b,

95 % is awesome, singing in the hallways made me smile. keep on loving madly,

all the best to your new Life and thanks for sharing.

[[ca...]]

Thank you for coming back and sharing your story.

 

Please, please, please tell your doctor this happens all the time and Xanax/Klonopin..all these drugs are very dangerous, can and have killed many people and cause untold amounts of pain and suffering.

The only way we are going to stop this madness is to go back to our doctors (healthcare providers) and tell them calmly after it is over, because when it is happening it is way too much and I don't blame them for not believing us when we are in the throes of WD, because we seem nuts. I was never nuts before, not until this.

Please tell all your friends and family too...that is the only way we are going to stop this tsunami of crazy.

 

I am so happy for you. Go now and enjoy your drug free life and be well. You are right, 18 weeks is nothing...and you can and will totally heal from all this.

 

I am waiting for healing,

Much love and healing,

Causing