do you also have psychological symptoms like mine?

[[Pi...]]

i was browsing the web for other benzo paws victims, and i found an article of a patient who had some symptoms which were exactly the same as mine, but very elaborately explained. i wanted to see if you guys had them as well, and any comments on anything about them, whether telling how you feel, how you cope, or if they are going away/have gone away. here goes the few that were me in someone elses words -

 

Psychological Symptoms from Protracted Benzo Withdrawal in Detail

Posted on January 16, 2011 by benzofree

The emotional symptoms caused by benzo withdrawal, klonopin in my case, are far, far worse than anything I’ve ever experienced naturally.  They also make all of the other symptoms worse by reducing your ability to cope with them, taking away your rational mind,  and altering your perception of reality.  Unfortunately, because they are obvious symptoms usually worn on one’s sleeve, people can be quick to assume one has psychological problems.  I’ve had my share of problems, but absolutely nothing like this.  These symptoms are much better than they were (At the time of this writing I am over six months into the healing process).

 

DEREALIZATION:

 

Everything seems dreamy and unreal.  When I talk it is like someone else is talking.  Events I experience seem distant and the recent past seems vague.  My visual perception seems like I am looking through a camera lens.  Derealization can be very scary just because it more than anything else alters the way you perceive the world.

 

IMPAIRED ABILITY TO HANDLE STRESS:

 

In the beginning I would fall to pieces over the most ridiculous things.  Everything is a stress in benzo withdrawal.  Driving is a stress, talking to people, making yourself food, cleaning, answering a question, etc.  I dropped a plate one time and froze, unable to speak or move.  I was like a deer in headlights.  Even the slightest task or problem was overwhelming and I responded  by freezing, bursting into rage, or crying.  This was so disabling that I became housebound for a while.  I no longer fall to pieces over trivial things, but I still can’t handle life’s usual stresses like a normal adult.

 

FEAR, ANXIETY, AND PANIC:

 

I felt relentless, all consuming, terrible, dreadful, fear for the first four or five months off of klonopin.  It was 24/7 fear for absolutely no reason, which I hear often from other sufferers.  It was a chemically induced phenomenon as there was nothing in particular causing it for me, but I found subjects to occupy the fear, my symptoms for instance.  I was constantly in the fight-or-flight response, trembling as if I was a small child running from a killer.  I had so much anxiety over my symptoms and for no reason at all.  I would go over the “what ifs” in my head.  What if I never get better?  What if I’m never the same?  What if my life is over?  In the beginning I had terrible panic attacks and I thought I was going to die.  Now, my anxiety is mild and the fear is gone which makes dealing with the rest of my symptoms easier.

 

DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS:

 

I experienced the deepest, darkest, most hopeless depression I’ve ever experienced.  It lasted at least four months.  Everything I saw just reminded that I wasn’t normal and depressed me further.  TV shows, music, seeing other people being happy, hearing about other people’s normal lives, all gave me a horrible feeling of dread and sadness.  Having fun, being goofy, or acting normal was impossible.  In my second and third month I had very serious thoughts about suicide.  It was all very rational to me, die and end the suffering.  When I thought about it I would start crying thinking how tragic the whole situation was.  Either I was too strong, or merely my fear of death was, because I never even tried to kill myself.  These feelings are gone now, and I now know none of this was me, it was the withdrawal.

 

SOCIAL ANXIETY AND AGORAPHOBIA:

 

In the beginning I was completely agoraphobic.  I was scared to talk to other people like cashiers or waiters or even people to whom I was close.  Now it is more of a social awkwardness.  I’m very uncomfortable around other people.  I never know what to say.  I can’t look people in the eye.  I don’t like to answer the phone.  Much of this may be related to my cognitive dysfunctions.

 

EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY AND PARANOIA:

 

I have been, and still am to some extent, extremely sensitive.  The slightest provocation upsets me.  Things I would normally shrug off fills me with rage or makes me cower in fear.  Furthermore, I’m paranoid over how people think of me, as if perhaps the whole world is against me.  I second guess everyone’s motivation.

 

CRYING FITS:

 

In the first three months I would occasionally and spontaneously break down and start crying, and I mean bawling.  It would happen for no reason and sometimes lasted over a half an hour.

 

EMOTIONAL BLUNTNESS AND ANHEDONIA:

 

This has become more and more apparent as my depression and anxiety lifted.  Basically, my emotions are completely flat.  I feel nothing except for the occasional depressed feeling or burst of anger.  No joy, happiness, or even normal, healthy sadness.  I can’t feel sympathy for other people or be touched by a beautiful song or emotional movie.  I’m completely flat and emotionless.  In my sixth month I had short moments when something, a memory or movie, would trigger an emotion.  I would feel real sadness and would then feel joy over feeling sad because I was so happy to feel any genuine emotion.  It was wonderful.  Unfortunately, the flatness has taken over again.

 

IRRITABILITY AND ANGER:

 

Often I am very irritable and everyone and everything annoys me.  I overreact over the slightest things.  I get so angry that I don’t like myself.  I recognize it when it happens, but it is out of my control.  Sometimes I feel violent and I have been afraid I would hurt someone.  This is definitely tied in with the inability to handle stress.

 

OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:

 

I get thoughts and songs stuck in my head which loop over and over again.  I think this is part of anxiety, but also part of having a blank, foggy mind.  It drives me nuts sometimes.

[[Sa...]]

All of these are pretty much main topics on the post withdrawal boards. And there are thousands of comments on all of them. Pretty sure all of us have had o currently have a majority of these unfortunately.

[[Pi...]]

even as long as at 1 year 2 months out like me?

[[Sa...]]

Im a year and 2 weeks out. And most people on here seem to be in the same boat. Only a small percentage of the people ive seen have been better under a year or so. id say a greater majority of  bb members have multiple variations of the listed sxs. Ive read every single success story and about 50 percent of the post withdrawal and c/t boards. So i have my own conclusions gathered. If youve had tests and such done to rule out other causes the  a rational explanation for the cause is the w/d.

[[Mi...]]

Pitty,  This brought me to tears.  It was if I had wrote it myself.  This is exactly me.  All of these symptoms come and go.  but mostly are always present they just go up and down on severity.  Moments I feel them as a 10 other moments at a 1/2.  But, they never fully leave.  What I would do for true inner peace you have no idea.  Just to breath with out obsessing of my breath its absolutely insane.  Please know you are not alone.  The dr/dp has been about a 1 for a long time now.  And I haven't had a actual panic attack for almost a month but I am nervous as ever.  My anxiety is out of hand in this benzo hell.  I have made huge progress over the past 9 months but at the same time still so stuck in it all.  I was extremely agoraphobic.  I wasn't actually scared of the outdoors it was so much deeper than that.  It was like I was scared of myself and how I would react to outside stuff.  It was all I could do to stay alive in my closet let alone add other things and people to the experience.  I honestly can not think of anything scarier in life than actually being scared of yourself.  On some level I knew the thoughts I was having were not mine.  IDK if that makes since.

 

I know this is so unreal and tough...  And, if you are like me the fear of it all is debilitating....      I am better but still not even close to the person I used to be. I don't even understand my own feelings.  I also thought we would be so much better by now.  But, I refuse to give up.  I have fought to hard and gave up way to much to get to where I am now to give up!!!!!            Love, MJ

[[Sa...]]

Jenn yessss! Same boat with you. Well, similar lol

[[ea...]]

PK, some of us are just slow healers from this. No one knows why, either. But it doesn't mean anything, and that's what you need to know and accept. Even we slow pokes are healing, and the day will come when you feel like your old self.

east

[[Mi...]]

Sal, looking at your benzo use we were on about the same amount, same benzo, and time frame also!

[[In...]]

even as long as at 1 year 2 months out like me?

 

Sure. 19 months off low dose for a fairly short time (5-6 months). Still struggling with many of these issues, some worse than others.

 

I know it doesn't make it feel any better but neither of us are a special or unusual case, and I don't think we'd want that anyhow. Many, many people here do not feel well or normal at 14 months. Just keep going and your body will resolve and heal at it's own pace.

[[Be...]]

I had all those symptoms, didn't notice any improvement until the third year off.

[[Pi...]]

i wouldnt be able to take this for 3 years..

 

mj, its crazy, this text is absolutely me and what you just wrote is even more me. it feels good to know were not alone.

 

yeah some of us are slow healers, but what makes me crazy is not finding any psychiatrist around who believes in benzo wd. my newest psychiatrist now put me on anti psychotics in low doses as an anxiety reliever and lyrica. none have had any effect. i think thats the major proof that what i have is wd and not just common anxiety.. does this make sense? or am i just wanting to push benzo wd to give an excuse to some anxiety i have?

[[fl...]]

Hey pk,

 

I am 15 months off and doing better but still am having problems. Like you I am able to handle things better but am wondering why it is not completely gone yet. I had surgery on my back in July and I could not wait for the benzo healing to complete. I was risking permanent nerve damage to my sciatic so I went for it. I did pretty well but feel like it set me back in some ways. Things pop up and I wonder if it is wd or just me getting older. I come to this site and no longer recognize many of the people posting and feel like most of them cant relate to me because of where I am  in this journey. Your first post hits what everyone goes through in the beginning but what about us over a year. Things are better but yet I still get weird symptoms and could use support. My first really scary symptom during this ride other than not sleeping was when I thought I was hearing voices. It would usually hit me during the fall asleep period or upon waking. Now at 15 months I was sleeping in the guest room because my wife said I was snoring to loud and I thought I heard her call my voice. She said she never called for me. Things like that really get to me. And this crazy benzo belly thing. Im afraid I will always have it. Anyway I'm still hear with you.  I noticed Innadaze posted to you as well. Innadaze if you see this I hope you are doing better. Stay the course buddies.

 

fg

[[Pi...]]

i still get intense sxs - some seem to have gotten better, while others are as bad as they were before - and this frightens me. about the voices, no worries, ur c nervous system is just over alert

 

do u get obsessions, social/agorophobia, lack of willpower and self esteem  as sxs?

[[In...]]

 

yeah some of us are slow healers, but what makes me crazy is not finding any psychiatrist around who believes in benzo wd.

 

That is a luxury not many here on BB have. If it's making you crazy perhaps a different route like a therapist instead? I found a therapist that is open minded and doesn't negate my withdrawal experience, but we don't dwell on it either. Psychiatrists make their livelihood mostly be prescribing different medications so we probably aren't going to find many that will speak poorly or spend much time focusing on the bad side of the tools they use to do their job.

 

FG - Good to see you, hope you are doing well  I spend a bit of time over on the "protracted" board now. Things have kind of flattened out for me. I'm not in terror 24/7 any longer but awaiting another phase or plateau of healing. Life is at least manageable now. Take care, maybe see you on the protracted board sometime if you drop in!

[[Ne...]]

It is so good to hear others have agoraphobia. It is so amazing to hear others use the exact same words to describe their hell. I lived between rage and depression. I still have them but at a much more manageable level. I still get dangerous songs in my head about my ex oncologists who gave me the lorazepam during BC treatment and after. They gave it as a sleep/nausea drug. They don't believe in side effects or withdrawal. It is like being erased from life.

[[Ro...]]

Had the anhedonia/emotional flatness very very bad. Lifted around 16 months out. It was pretty much my only symptom along with insomnia. The difference was that insomnia improved gradually over time while the anhedonia pretty much went from severe to non-existant almost overnight.

[[pr...]]

I had all those symptoms, didn't notice any improvement until the third year off.

 

Your post history makes it seem as though you were doing pretty darn well at four months off, with most of your major symptoms gone.

 

Did things get worse afterwards before clearing up?

[[St...]]

Yep. I'm there with you. I was convinced I was getting fired on Friday because of disagreements I'd had with a member of my team. I took every interaction with every single person at the company as a sign. If someone didn't talk to me I assumed it was because they new I was getting fired and didn't want to get too close to me. If my boss asked someone else to help him I assumed it was because he didn't want to get me started with new work before I was fired. When one of the partners was nice to me I assumed he was being nice because I was getting fired and he had no reason not be cordial. Basically I had this entire narrative constructed in my mind and *everything* fit that narrative. Of course I didn't get fired. In fact, at the end of the day someone asked me if I was serious about going on a training course I had asked the company to send me on. So I might end up flying on training in spite of the fact that my mind was 180 degrees in the other direction. They might end up paying a couple thousand dollars for training, investing in me, even though I thought I was getting fired. I'm sure that won't be the last time that happens.

[[Pi...]]

Wow so most people feel really sick for many months and one day they wake up better? Does anyone know why ot takes to long and why you get better ao suddenly?