Trouble being yourself?

[[qw...]]

Ok I am wondering if it is just me or not. When some of you started feeling better, and actually wanted to be around friends, did any of you have trouble being yourself? I know how I acted while I was on Klonopin and it was way different than I am now. I dont want to see concerts, be outgoing, or even do any of the things I used to do. I'm not entirely sure if I even act like who I used to be? It is kinda messed up. I don't know how to get back to the person I once was. I have loved Halloween and horror movies since I was 3, now I am too weirded out to watch my movies. Do we all go through this or is it just me?

[[mr...]]

I have noticed my demeanor has changed. I am more apt to lash out on people or do things I wouldnt have normally done a year ago.. I kind of like myself like this better oddly enough, I used to be very patient with people but now its like I have developed an IDGAF mentality on things.

[[Ne...]]

My happy self is dead. I don't go anywhere or do anything either. The thought of making small talk when they don't have a clue about the hell we live in every day is beyond me. Do we ever get to be happy again?  I just feel anger towards my oncologists. Everyone is talking about time. I don't have much. I really want to feel better before I die.

[[qw...]]

My happy self is dead. I don't go anywhere or do anything either. The thought of making small talk when they don't have a clue about the hell we live in every day is beyond me. Do we ever get to be happy again?  I just feel anger towards my oncologists. Everyone is talking about time. I don't have much. I really want to feel better before I die.

I have been away from benzos since June. I dont have a problem going normal places like to the store or a few friends' house anymore. Its just things that I loved doing before I dont anymore. I hope you do get better. I think you said you were benzo free since September? I just know at my two month mark, I was so much worse than I am now. How much time do you have? That makes me so sad. I hope you get better quickly too. I honestly do not know how long it takes because everyone is different. I just feel horrible for you. Hearing what you are going through, I feel bad complaining about my situation. I really do think it takes time. I wish the best for you. I also hope I can get back into the into the things I once loved. It is a weird weird rollercoaster for sure.

[[Be...]]

On good days I like to be by myself and garden if it's not my hands or balance that's off. It's a good thing for me to try and be in my body, not my head. Being in nature and seeing and hearing birds is comforting, and they're non-confrontational. I've lost a friend who accused me of being resistant to staying on drugs—even when I was having paradoxical reactions and they were making me sick. That was a blow. I've been so identified with pain and withdrawal that right now, it's hard to be around other people that either haven't experienced health challenges, or who aren't emotionally available. I do remind myself that drugs have changed my brain and I have to heal. I think it will take me some time after I get through this to adjust to a new version of me. My perspective on life has changed and when I'm around friends socially I feel awkward. Spirit-wise I need to find my center. The outside world is just too turbulent for me right now.

 

I feel for you, Neshamah. I'd be angry too. I hope you get to experience some joy.

[[Ne...]]

Neshamah means soul or spirit.  I chose that name because I feel like mine is lost somewhere in the ozone.  I told people that the drug slowly erases your personality and sense of self until you just disappear. Nature helps restore me too. And my dog. She now sleeps on the bed by me and has to lean against me. She just can't be near me. We put an old sheet on top of the bed for her. We take her for walks in the pasture and usually see deer. Yesterday we had a flock of quail in the yard. Just looking at the mountains makes me feel better. In the dark days of lorazepam I could not even look out the window without crying. I only cry once in a while now.

[[Be...]]

Immersing yourself in nature sounds like the best antidote, where you will feel your spirit. I also saw quail the other day, a flock of 15. And a beautiful young coyote trotted by the house. I wish I could have a dog now, but it's a bit too much to take on. I imagine yours gives you much comfort. I am glad you have that in your life. Wishing you peace tonight.

[[...]]

Being 3 years 8 months out after c/t.  My experience is that I was not interested in most things I used to enjoy for about 5 months. Then I would have periods of time where I was not interested in most things again. I still have periods of time when that happens but they are much shorter now. So many say that it's all a matter of time but I definitely agree with that. Everything gets better with time. please hang in there it does get better! 

[[Ne...]]

All my life I have been a creative person. I enjoyed doing things like beading, sewing, collage, and crochet. Now the days go by and I do nothing, absolutely nothing. It is like being in a nursing home with the days passing by slowly and dully.  I think about doing something but it is just too hard or I don't care. Is this really life? I don't even know me anymore.

[[Mi...]]

I feel the same. I sit all day doing nothing-and there is so much to do. We moved into a new house in August and there are still boxes everywhere. I have no interest or motivation to do anything. I also have serious emotional blunting.

[Guest [ma...]]

All my life I have been a creative person. I enjoyed doing things like beading, sewing, collage, and crochet. Now the days go by and I do nothing, absolutely nothing. It is like being in a nursing home with the days passing by slowly and dully.  I think about doing something but it is just too hard or I don't care. Is this really life? I don't even know me anymore.

 

Neshamah, its anhedonia and I suspect some DP/DR which is all w/d related. 

 

It will go away as more time passes. It was like that for years while ON benzos. I taught quilting for 14 years prebenzos and did nothing during all the years I was on the drugs. Just like you I did beading and collage and sewing and I am doing all those things again. After I was past the acute stage of w/d I would force myself to go to my studio and do something.....anything. Not one cell in my body was interested, but I knew that it would help. As time went by while beading or painting and feeling SO disconnected from it all, feelings or thoughts would pop into my head that felt familiar. Parts of me were coming back. It was like going through the physical motions of something I used to love helped to rewire those connections. Perhaps neuroplasticity?

 

So give yourself some time and when you are physically able try to do something creative. Don't have any expectations and don't over do it but just try a bit each day. Maybe even begin by just surrounding yourself with some of your creative supplies? That's my suggestion based on what worked for me.

 

Take care, mandala