If anyone at all can relate to my craziness....

[[An...]]

I'm not really sure where to start. This is my "issue" that has been kept very hidden for fear of being told I am completely insane. I will just cut right to it: I believe I have some sort of severe compulsive type disorder. Any time I feel any sort of intense emotion, I can't just have a normal reaction like anyone else. I get these extreme urges and basically tense up my entire body to the point of shaking- contract all of the muscles in my face even. I would assume it looks something like a combination of a seizure and someone who has completely lost their mind mixed with a bizzare  form of turrets.

 

It is a voluntarily thing though, my body doesn't just go into this weird psychotic state on its own. Again it is usually when I am feeling something line excitement or anger. For example, it often accompanies my rages that turn into suicidal thoughts. It's like I tense up and then I just angrily tell myself how much I want to kill myself. When I calm back down my heart is usually racing and I sometimes even get extremely painful headaches from my body just being so tense. I feel like I'm truly losing my mind when this happens. I have only ever seen similar behaviors from people wgo are autistic or have downs or another type of severe mental problem. I have genuinely convinced myself before that I have some strange version of autism or something that makes me act completely crazy.

 

I say this all the time, but I just want to feel normal. I'm unsure that this will ever go away on its own with healing because it happened pre benzos, it just feels heightened now. I started researching and the only thing that sounded even close was some sort of OCD tic disorder. I am just unsure of a lot. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to treat it. I am just hoping and praying that someone had even a slight clue of what I'm talking about because it is causing me a lot of distress and worry. I don't believe I will ever experience what it is like to be normal.

 

This is genuinely the first time I have ever told anyone about this issue out of fear and embarrassment, but some peace of mind would be so great right now.

[Guest [pa...]]

You name it, I have had it in this process so far.  I know exactly what you are talking about and believe me....it's the lack of benzos now. Certain things will come and go. There have been so many times where  I have gone, "WTF just happened?" It's absoultely ridiculous. I thought I had so many things throughout this process. Autism, bi-polar, schizophrenia, tumors, you name it I "had" it.

[[ro...]]

Do you do this voluntarily? you say you get a severe urge to just tense up before it happens so am I right in assuming its not actually an involuntary response to stresses and anxiety?

 

If so it could very well be OCD. I have had OCD for a long time and my experience is pretty similar. Though my compulsions are different, the thought process is the same. Its a voluntary thing, its just its almost impossible to say no to the urges . You should look into CBT, there are courses online that you can follow, or you can go the therapist route, which is usually better as you have someone to guide you through the process and a non judgemental ear to talk things through with. It worked wonders for me, I was once at a point where I literally couldnt function because of it, and now its not really even an issue for me. It still rears its head occasionally, but when it does I can easily gain control of the situation again with mindfullness/CBT/relaxation techniques. You shouldn't feel ashamed of any illness, physical or mental, nobody is perfect in this world, and the stigma surrounding such issues is starting to go away now with more public awareness of the issue.

[[be...]]

I'm not really sure where to start. This is my "issue" that has been kept very hidden for fear of being told I am completely insane. I will just cut right to it: I believe I have some sort of severe compulsive type disorder. Any time I feel any sort of intense emotion, I can't just have a normal reaction like anyone else. I get these extreme urges and basically tense up my entire body to the point of shaking- contract all of the muscles in my face even. I would assume it looks something like a combination of a seizure and someone who has completely lost their mind mixed with a bizzare  form of turrets.

 

It is a voluntarily thing though, my body doesn't just go into this weird psychotic state on its own. Again it is usually when I am feeling something line excitement or anger. For example, it often accompanies my rages that turn into suicidal thoughts. It's like I tense up and then I just angrily tell myself how much I want to kill myself. When I calm back down my heart is usually racing and I sometimes even get extremely painful headaches from my body just being so tense. I feel like I'm truly losing my mind when this happens. I have only ever seen similar behaviors from people wgo are autistic or have downs or another type of severe mental problem. I have genuinely convinced myself before that I have some strange version of autism or something that makes me act completely crazy.

 

I say this all the time, but I just want to feel normal. I'm unsure that this will ever go away on its own with healing because it happened pre benzos, it just feels heightened now. I started researching and the only thing that sounded even close was some sort of OCD tic disorder. I am just unsure of a lot. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to treat it. I am just hoping and praying that someone had even a slight clue of what I'm talking about because it is causing me a lot of distress and worry. I don't believe I will ever experience what it is like to be normal.

 

This is genuinely the first time I have ever told anyone about this issue out of fear and embarrassment, but some peace of mind would be so great right now.

 

Anxious Cowgirl,

 

Withdrawal symptoms can cause some pretty horrific symptoms. I know firsthand of the mental torment you are going though. I have done three withdrawals and I too would have suicidal ideation. It concerns me that you are having that to.

 

Let me refer you to our "Suicide and Self-harm" page, which is a useful resource should you feel you might act on this thoughts.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/resources/suicide-self-harm/

 

It also helps sometimes  just to talk to someone. And as scary as your thoughts are right now remember this is all temporary. There will be a time when this is all behind you. Remember we are here for you anytie of the day.

 

benzo-R-cruel

 

[Guest [pa...]]

I'm not quite sure if it is voluntary when it has happened. I think for me it felt voluntary, but was not. I never had any of this before taking benzos, at least  not the extreme that bizarre benzo brain takes it to.