9 months out

[[Mi...]]

Hi everyone!  I have a question for you all.  I feel as if I am almost healed.  I have been seeing significant improvements for  weeks.  Allthough, its just so hard to accept.  I was so bad in my acute w/d that I didn't leave my house for months.  Like barely left my closet literally... It was super wierd, but I actually spent about a month in my walk in closet connected to my bathroom. I had never had any mental/emotional//suicidal thoughts in my life before this experience.  It was allmost like someone who I never met was now controlling my mind and body and all I could do was watch it in horror from the outside.  I had daily sometimes hourly panic attacks for months which lead to being housebound.  I never even knew what agoraphobia was, or that it was actually even a real thing.  Anyways I have only had two small panic attacks in weeks all of my physical symptoms have been improving to allmost 90%.  I haven't had a single symptom in 3 days.  BUT, for some reason I am having such a hard time accepting this.  Idk its the weirdest thing.  I am super proud but super disappointed at the sametime.  I went from literally needing a babysitter at 33 years old  and hanging out in my closet to being alone and stuck to my house. And now I have made my way outside but can't seem to beable to drive out of my town or really make any plans at all. Idk its wierd, its like I am feeling sooo much better but for some reason I still have one foot in and just can't make the jump to fully be out.  Like I still don't feel safe..Idk.  Has anyone experienced anything at all like this.????  My therapist who I really respect says it will all happen when the time is right and not to push.  And I understand her point.  Because when I was pushing myself it seemed like my anxiety would sky rocket and my panic would sore and it was like I was just making life more tramatic and causing un needed stress and trauma.  But I never have been the type to wait it out on the sidelines!  Anyone have any thoughts..........  Or experienced anything like this???        Thank You

[[al...]]

When I c/t'd off k I ended up living in the smallest bedroom in my house which is very small. I slept on the floor. I actually barricaded the door to the room. I was petrified to venture out of that room. Prior to coming off this poison I NEVER experienced anything like that!  I was a successfull person with a full social life. I wouldnt have imagined anything like that happening to me in a thousand years. Its unbelievable what these drugs can do to you.

 

Im a lot better today, I no longer live in that small room and get out whenever I want for as long as I want. No problems with agoraphobia at all. It sounds like your doing a lot better. Give it some time, your confidence will grow and you will be back to living a full life.

[[I ...]]

I understand completely.  I never knew what any of those things were before benzos either.  at 5 months I was so bad just talking to anyone would make anxiety and panic so bad I couldnt take it.  I would be at work and it was like I was watching myself from outside my body but had no control and wondering is this the end.  But now at 8.5 months I am doing really well.  Last week I had a small wave of anxiety , light headed and blurred vision but nothing like before.  You will get better I feel real soon.  You are close I believe.  It will happen.  So happy for you that the torment is going away.

[[Mi...]]

Thanks for your kind words.  Its just really hard, I thought so many times of what I would do when better and now I just feel stuck in it still.    Idk like my one foot is still cemented in.  I guess learning how to trust your mind again would describe it.  I never even thought what we all have experienced could really actually happen in real life.  Maybe I have a little PTSD going on from this whole experience idk....... Anyone else feel that possible? ?

[[Te...]]

I feel similar to the way you do. I used to have such bad vertigo and dizziness, and for so long, that I wouldn't go out unless I absolutely had to. Even though the dizziness is only about a fourth of what it used to be, and the vertigo is pretty much gone (I think), I still only go out unless I have to do errands or buy groceries. I don't know if it's because of still having the fear of being dizzy and collapsing on the street or because I have agoraphobia. In w/d I've pretty much lost interest in the outside world. That might be another reason. But I notice that it all changes during a window, so the real me must be in there someplace.

[[Sw...]]

Wow, right now I am in my 4th month of no clonazepam.  What was described is how I am doing now.  It is sooooo frustrating, 3 weeks ago for about 10 days I was doing well "window"? still had physical symptoms but not the extreme emotional ones.  Right now though, for the past 3 days I have been a wreck, emotional between crying and anger outbursts, its not fair to anyone around me but most of all to myself.  I have to keep thinking this will get better. 

 

Sweet pea

 

 

 

 

 

 

/

[[fo...]]

That describes me exactly except I know I'm not healed by any means yet. I will have a window but be so scared the wave will return that the window is barely enjoyable. I had a great week a few months back but I was so scared the waves would return.

[[Mi...]]

Thanks to you all.  Much appreciated. ...

[[Mi...]]

I know I am not 100% yet.  Maybe,  all I need is more time like I said its all bitter sweet.  So close I feel I can almost touch it.  But still stuck.  Just excited to get my other foot out.  I have turned a huge corner this month. Before my life was a wave with brief windows. Now life seems to be a window with a couple short term waves... Its just been extremely hard to step out and enjoy.... I know I am not healed yet but it feels close.  I haven't had hope in such a longtime.  Idk its been awhile. ....

[[Mi...]]

And even if I feel 90% at home I just can't find away to feel 90% out of what I call my safe place which NO I never needed or had a what I call safe place before this hell......

[[Mi...]]

Anyone else experienced this at all??

[[ca...]]

*waves hand in air* ME ME ME ME!!! I do!  Ur not alone!  I was only a user for a couple months but at almost 8 months im still deep in it.  But it is lifting.  I find that on certain days i can go further but then on another day i could only make it half way!  Its one step forward and two steps back.  But there is improvement which i am grateful for.  I heard at a year mark things improve a whole lot!  It would be the best christmas and new years present!!  Hang in there!

[[ss...]]

Miss Jen, I get it.  I am in a nice window in my 7th month.  I am scared to except that I may be close to healing and no more waves are coming.  I had a decent window month 3 to only get slammed with a wave.  This is hard, we know the non-linear nature of this and it makes since to be scared.  Not to mention as horrible as this experience is we are pretty scarred from it.  I lean on the success stories where they talk about not being able to remember the symptoms or what this was like.  We do heal!!!

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Again Everyone :thumbsup:

I know this journey is insane and I truly wish no one else felt this way!!  But it helps knowing your not alone and not insane either, lol..

I have survived the worst of it/ I hope???    And surviving my closet that was bad so I guess I can survive being stuck in the house and the 5 mile radius of my town for awhile yet..  I know I should be grateful that I am doing so well even if I am still a little confined to the house.  I will take it!!!!  Sometimes I forget during this journey to appreciate the baby steps.  But, looking at the big picture I am sooooo very much better than I was.   

 

  Praying for healing for all.....  Miss.Jen