Let ME Efin(fck) Tell You something!!! Windows/Waves do we all?

[[wo...]]

I am sorry for my abrubt burst of frustrastion.  I want to go out and yell aloud WHAT the FUHHVBOU!!!

 

Last august I was under the gun.  I mean a LOT of pressure to get my job done.  A few years ago this would have been no big deal.  But these circumstances consisted of me handling $8000.00 of a customers money a a deposit.  I look back on those days a few months ago and wonder why I seems so creepy and dark.  These creepy dark episodes are having a significant physical effect on me. 

 

When I was a child I used to let simple disappointments make me psychically ill.  I would be sick for a bout 48 hours.  This happened for several years until my mother put it all together.  I am the only child.  After many years of my own self therapy I can see myself now being a very  very lonesome person.  I had few friends.  Family was just Mom and Dad.  I had a annual visit from cousins that I looked forward to so much.  I had the problem of looking past the visit to the goodbye before the visit actually happened. Well after many years of get-togethers and then the ilnelnes I had felt after the goodbye, my mother found that I was always sick because of the deep deep depression.  I mean I would really feel a deep depression that I never recognized. 

 

Okay, so I am predisposed to this depression.  And that's fine!  I have ben dealing with stress and disappointments with alcohol for almost 30 years.  I took me and me alone to figure this out. 

A quick back story.  I loved the beer since high school.  In 2003 I got hooked on Vicodin.  I used Xanax for 7 years to sleep.  I cold turkey of both almost two years ago along with the drinking. 

 

Let me ask my question.  Am I now more predisposed to being overwhelmed with symptoms if I am confronted by major stress even at almost 2 years?

 

I am recalling some really almost blackout dark moments along the way.  For instance.  I am solely responsible for the relocation of someone to be moved from here in the Metro Detroit area to Phoenix AZ.

 

The idea never bothered me before.  I thrived on the success of my business.  All said and done I pulled it off just as I would have back in the day, but the stress I think is doing something to my mind.  I am driving around in a state of darkness and, shit , like the whole thing is happening again.

Are these waves brought on by stress?

 

I though that my 22 months have been somewhat linear for the most part.  Although at four months I felt worse than the first few weeks. I have had some ups and downs but no real defined windows or waves.

 

As usuall my posts are confusing, out of order and lack structure.  Dam it all.  My wife seems to thing that this would have been done over a a year ago.  I have some suffering that I do not even go on about.  I figure I had already caused enough problems years prior to my c/t with Xanax.  That she was trying to be helpful with.  A lot of people told me to take it easy.  I was up doing things thast I though were well outside of the normal healing timeline. 

 

By putting myself in these stressful situations causing waves??  I quest that's the question

 

 

[Guest [ba...]]

Waves can be caused by a lot of things.  Stress, pressure, bureaucracy, alcohol...  Lots of things.  I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[[Ba...]]

I can't answer whether it causes waves. Literature says that stresses will set things off. But life goes on and we can't stop it.

 

I wish it was as easy as locking ourselves away and avoiding any outside stress. But those of us with families and commitments just can't. Even if we could - there's always the things that happen that we have no control over. Today I found out my Aunt died. That's the last surviving member of my fathers side of the family of his generation. Strangely I had found myself thinking of her out of the blue last week and can't help but feel mournful.

 

I hadn't seen her since my own fathers funeral and I feel a little lost and broken.

 

I hope as the other poster says tomorrow is better - sadly time is really our only true healer.

 

I don't know if I'm helping at all.... But life doesn't stop. We just have to get through it the best we can, even if it means taking a minute at a time.

 

Don't lose hope. From what I read on here people get better, for some its years and others are more lucky.

 

I wish you luck hope and the assurity that happiness will return - in time. I don't know how long but it will xo

[[Ch...]]

I believe that stress brings on waves of symptoms.  As we get further recovered the waves overall become less frequent and less intense.  I'm not getting many at 2.5 years off but I am no longer surprised or upset when I hit a low point physically or emotionally because I know it will turn around soon.

 

You may be experiencing a return or flashback of memories... I'm only guessing about that.  Benzos are hypnotics and taking them can affect how we store memories.  When those memories come back it can be upsetting, but if you understand it's part of withdrawal it can be easier to accept. 

 

The worst is behind you now.  It will keep getting better, try to roll with the waves and look beyond them.  Use any coping skills you developed during withdrawal to deal with stress and anxiety...or if you haven't found ways to cope, that may be what is needed to help you learn to deal with bumps in life.  The coping skills I had to learn in withdrawal are serving me well now...simple things like paying attention to my breathing and self-talk have helped a lot.

 

[[Ch...]]

I can't answer whether it causes waves. Literature says that stresses will set things off. But life goes on and we can't stop it.

 

I wish it was as easy as locking ourselves away and avoiding any outside stress. But those of us with families and commitments just can't. Even if we could - there's always the things that happen that we have no control over. Today I found out my Aunt died. That's the last surviving member of my fathers side of the family of his generation. Strangely I had found myself thinking of her out of the blue last week and can't help but feel mournful.

 

I hadn't seen her since my own fathers funeral and I feel a little lost and broken.

 

I hope as the other poster says tomorrow is better - sadly time is really our only true healer.

 

I don't know if I'm helping at all.... But life doesn't stop. We just have to get through it the best we can, even if it means taking a minute at a time.

 

Don't lose hope. From what I read on here people get better, for some its years and others are more lucky.

 

I wish you luck hope and the assurity that happiness will return - in time. I don't know how long but it will xo

 

I'm so sorry for your loss...

Challis

[[Ba...]]

Thank you Challis

[[wo...]]

I was in an incredibly bad mood the other night.  I try to keep it upbeat.  The few beers I had backfired on me.

 

I love good beer.  Seasonal stuff.  This is my favorite time of year.  These crazy beers, like oatmeal chocolate stout.  $22.00 for a six pack.  I really love it.  I do not miss guzzling down six 24 ounce cans of cheap Old Milwaukee's best Ice.  That's what I was doing during the morning depression phase before I realized I was in tolerance withdrawal. 

 

Any love the beer, but I am going back on the wagon I should be.

 

I just wanted to yell out and swear something to the masses. 

 

But stress can trigger these weird felliings.  Almost like I am stoned.  I feel like I have taken a bad drug.  I feel way out there.

[Guest [ba...]]

Yeah, the alcohol was talking a bit for you.  The tone was familiar to me - I've been known to put down one too many on occasion.  No matter.  It happens.  Move forward.