Feel like I'm back in acute??

[[An...]]

This is really bizarre. I am 15 months off, and for the first time in months I feel like I am back in acute. Everything is off. I am disconnected from myself and my life. I was on a ferry boat ride yesterday and the waves were horribly choppy and I have felt like my equilibrium has been off ever sense and it is making me crazy. I am convinced my boyfriend is going to break up with me because I don't even feel like I sm in my own body.

 

I know this wave will pass. But, will I ever truly live a normal life? Am I ever going to free from the horrific intrusive thoughts that convince me in going to physically harm those that I live?? Will I ever be free from the extreme crabbiness and moodiness?? ( still holding out hope that when I go to the dr in another month and have my birth control switched this will help?? Anyone have experience w birth control pills in w/d) I truly just don't think I will ever be normal and living a life free from all of this misery. I don't know if I ever have been normsl because my brain was poisoned by these drugs so long ago I have no idea what was before this.

 

I also think I have some sort of tic/ OCD disorder that may not be benzo caused. I have extremely weird tics (that I can control- more like compulsions). I. Just. Want. To. Feel. Normal. I am so lost right now. I'm so mean. I genuinely hate myself and it's one of the single worst feelings on the planet. I become so angry that my only thoughts are suicidal- out of complete anger. And it's usually over something completely assanine like not looking good in an outfit. I feel like I am a horrible person in every way. I just feel like my brain is so screwed up that there is no "cure" and that this is just how I am.  I just don't really know snymore.

[[Ha...]]

I'm right here with u!! Dang near twins but I'm in month ten. You are not alone I dint think this far out I'd get hit so hardcore we I was wrong!!!

 

Happy me

[[pr...]]

i have many tics that sometimes i think are controllable and some are not. i am convinced though that they are all withdrawal related.

 

i think there are a few women who have and successful and unsuccessful with birth control. you might want to put up a new thread about just that, that would be a good idea because i know many women have many questions about b/c. maybe put it up in the "support" section.

[[Co...]]

Me too.  15 mos off Klonopin and waking up in terror again.  Headaches, intrusive thoughts, tense muscles on right side of neck, insomnia. 

[[So...]]

You are still so early off, you were on a high dose for a long time, I was also on for five years and I am 29 months off and still suffering every day, it's normal for withdrawal, most people I know who were on the long of time that we were heal around the 30 month-48 month mark. Just keep going you are healing everyday you are off

[[de...]]

Seven months out and I have the weird tics too Happy Me.  Verbal tics.  I can control them, but thought I had Tourette's.  Scary shit.

 

Dee

[[Mi...]]

I see the original post was back in 2014, but the responses are recent, so I'll add my two cents.  I'm 13 months off and in a new wave and I feel like I'm back to square one.  Feel like dying - check.  Feel hopeless and strange - check.  No way out.  It's easy to forget that we were better just a couple days ago.  It's like being better is a hallucination and this is the only reality.  One crazy thing about this process is that we can seem so much better and suddenly seem NOT healed one bit.  The brain is so strange.  A few months ago I realized that several good days is just that and there is a good chance of a wave somewhere on the horizon and although I don't anticipate waves, I am well aware of the high probability of them recurring until they don't, which may be 18 months, 22 months, 5 years, who knows...

[[su...]]

deadwoodgone I can't believe you have verbal tics too. I came off of Prozac on top of things and thats when it started with each drop down. I would literally blurt things out in anger. It was exactly like having  Tourette's. I was so embarrassed by it. Its calmed down a lot now but still happens on occasion. It's the scariest symptom I've had.

What happens to you? Do you ever blurt things out in anger?

 

[[de...]]

Just saw your post sunlit.  Sorry late response.

 

Yes, I still have verbal tics 9 months out.  Anxiety seems to trigger it.  But not always. 

 

I hate to admit this, but was so relieved to read your post.  I was not alone.   

 

Thought I had Tourette's. 

 

It is improving, but still active.  I wish it would go away. 

 

I'm glad it's improving for you sunlit.  And yes, I do just blurt things out.  Sometimes gobbledygook. 

 

Never had any of this bs before benzo's.    When I look back I can remember uttering one stupid 3 syllable gobbledygook word when in tolerance.  Put it down to anxiety.  It got worse after I stopped. 

 

Yes it is improving for me sunlit, and hope same for you.  Wow!  Is this stuff nuts, or what? 

 

Dee x