Waking lonely, lost, since 3 am...

[[ro...]]

Crying, it's early, husband won't get up with me, feel I'm bothering him..up since 3 am, trying to rest in bed ,drinking decaf,  were to do anything, just wanted my spouse to talk, to sit with me..

This is so hard, makes me feel weak,

 

Wish I could just go out to a cafe, read paper, sit with others.

Feel isolated, alone..

I use to go get the paper, enjoy my mornings , now I feel scared, a

One..just want him to hug me, tell me I'll be okay..but he tells me it's too early and he wants to sleep , for me.  To go back to bed...

Sorry, crying.haye this, hate feeling so fragile, needy...

I'm alone in this house even with him,,,he avoids ...

Hate this..

I here bc I'm lonely, I'm sorry..Do you ever feel like this?

This is constant for me..hard on spouse I guess, but I only want contact, a hug,

Sorry,

Feeling alone..

Hugs to all buddies...hugs are good..

Rose

[[th...]]

Oh Rose buddy. What can any of us do but offer a cyber hug. This journey is so tough, seems impossible at times. Yet i know it is possible bc many have done it before us and WE are doing it!! All we really have to do is survive. We PMd last week a little, now its a new week! Time is going by though it seems so slow. We are doing it!! Have you ever thought of a daily taper? Some people on this board swear by it. Maybe you should look into it?? Wouldnt hurt to do some research and ask how on the taper board. Just a thought. Love ya friend!!

 

Grinch 

[[ME...]]

You are not alone.

 

I am tapering from Klonopin or Clonazepam, almost the same drug as Xanax.

 

I was doing well with tapering, I was over confident and I did it too fast.  Now, I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

 

I am working in a remote desert (uninhabited) here in Saudi Arabia, away from family. 

 

I hope we could survive this torment sooner than we hope. 

 

I lost my ability to cry, crying would help to ease the suffering and pain.

 

Cry if you must, it will help you I guess.

 

 

 

MEexpat

[[ro...]]

Dear Grinch,

Hi there!

Another week , I lnow..but it is so darn lonely here. Thank you do very much for the hugs...I feel em..

My son all grown and gone, my grandson a teen and very busy, spouse settled into his own comfort zone...I feel different, alone, empty nest too...but not well enough to join something, or work..

This does seem impossible just as you said My friend. I wonder if I'll ever feel joyful and life full of promise again...

I don't know about a daily taper..I know many do it, but I'm not sure I could, or would know how...

This darn thing seems to occupy my whole day, everyday..it's so friggin hard to simply go to the vet, or market, let alone take my mom to the dr..drive a lot...lack of sleep

Want to be my ol self...I was independent, confident, optimistic..

Trying so hard..I just feel so alone on my home with my spouse..

Miss my son, everyone..

Emotional..

You are doing so well i see  from your signature..awesome G...I think of you so much..and try to be inspired by your taper...I know you suffer...I try to keep going on..

Lots of changes going on that make this unbearable some times

It means so much to get s message like this from you...thank you hon for being nearby..

Trying to smile....just so darn alone...

Hugs to,you

 

Love you G,

 

Rose

 

[[ro...]]

Mex,

Sorry you are so far and alone too. I can't imagine for you... I'm so glad we have bb, we can connect with others who understand this journey. Thanks for you reply. I cry too much, but I can't keep it in, I distract, but need people, connection, touch..

Thinking of you, hope you get back soon..

 

Hugs rose

[[th...]]

Rose,

 

I am rooting for you!! The benzo wd is hard enough. And I know you feel alone. But hon, even without the benzo wd causing you syx you may still have a lonely marriage and your son will still be all grown away living his own life as kids are to do, and parents become elderly with our needed assistance, and well....life may still be the same in these regards even off the benzos. I know the same stresses and same spouse and children gone will still be there when I am healed. My mom will still be addicted to Ativan and losing her marbles. My dad will become weaker as he ages. My other family problems will all be there. One thing I hope that happens for you is the sense of community again. I think you could really use that with how isolated by your loved ones you feel. I hope your ability to go for coffee with friends or church or travel....whatever returns. I think you are craving human contact and the benzo wd are in the way of this bc u feel so crappy. Even if this is not with family bc they are too busy with their own lives. Friends too can be a god send for human contact!!! I also want to say that V has had this hold on you since the beginning and it has this effect on some people. Straight up depressed and insomnia!!! Please try and be reassured, if that's possible, that your feelings prob come a lot from the taper and V. Jeez, I hope for peace for you Rose. I really do!!

[[ro...]]

G,

Everything you say is true.. About the V sxs, the insomnia, more sadness bc of it, the busy, changing family system..I do need activities, more purpose...but many nights when I jot down plans, or things I'd like to inquire about...the daybreaks, I'm sleep deprived again, then down..it is an effort to let the dog out and feed her..How to dress up, drive to a job or class, etc...I begin by taking a valium, and trying to get going , dishes, bills, things piling up...hoping this changes..I take vitamin, eat healthy, try to walk a bit...but as you know...many sleepless nights can derail anyone on wd or just a normal person.

I know the same stressors will be there, but I believe this wd has made it worse..had I stayed on Ativan, increased..yeah, I probably would be more mellow, but I couldnt, and I want to be free of them...

You are right, I need a sense of community, purpose, more friends...bc my situation is changing , for my healthy sake, I need a sense of belonging and connecting..

Hoping that this crappy feeling lets up as I get off the v, that I can get back put there like I use to.

I have gone out to dinner with friends, coffee a few times, but it never feels easy, relaxed, I don't feel engaged..something is differnent in the wds for certain.

Your reassurance helps so much friend..how special you are to follow nearby all ths time with me..

Hugs dear Grinch,

Love. Rose

[[ma...]]

I feel lonely and scared to! ! I'm driving my family mad.Im so worried and afraid to be alone.I have insomnia and tingling all over.I just want you to know you are not alone! ☺

[[be...]]

Hi Rose dear:

 

I know what it feels like to be up at 3 am, but in my case, there is nobody beside me. I just used to get so jealous when I knew the other family members were sound asleep, but not me. That's why they call 3 am the witching hour. I'm sending along another cyber hug for you and will continue to pray every night for you, as this shall pass. But I really don't know if he's listening or not. Church tomorrow so I can say it in person. Hang tough. You are stronger than you know. Many hugs and luv, Bets

[[ro...]]

Marie,

Yes I understand aboit the insomnia and tears...I have taken these meds a long time.

Thank you for your reply, we are not alone, the suffering gets weary and affects our family

Wish mine just were around more..

Wishing younrelief too friend.

 

Hugs. Rose

 

[[ro...]]

 

Bets,

 

Hi bets,

Yes I too have no one besides me..he sleeps in another room, well he snores too.

It is so lonely.. He sleeps well..I wish I could. Just so lonely in the morning, want to talk, too share coffee..

Even despite our disconnection now, I need to know he cares, or is nearby..I'm so darn sensitive, the lack of. Sleep does not help.

Cyber hugs work too! Thank you Betsy, and one good one back at you..hugs help everyone...

May all our prayers be heard and some relief come...need to stay strong. Ot is scarey though sometimes..I too repeat...this too shall pass....

I prayed this over and over last night with the Lord's Prayer to help me fall asleep as best I could.

Thank you for thinking of me..and checking in...it really means more than you could ever know...

 

Love. Rose

[[Ju...]]

Rose, I'm so sorry you're feeling so isolated. 

 

I see you've cut again today.  I just wanted to remind you that as a general rule, when you've cut in the past, when the cut starts hitting your anxiety has increased.  Maybe if you expect this might happen, you might not get taken by surprise.

 

Do you remember how long it generally takes you to feel the increased symptoms / impact of a cut?  For me on Xanax it was 4 or 5 days.

 

Thinking good thoughts for you ((Rose)). 

[[ro...]]

Hi Julea,

Yes, I continue to cut reasonably and hold..maybe it's the actual cutting , knowing I'm decreasing in dose that brings on more anxiety. I'm not shaking or trembling thank goodness, but really depressed and of course sleep shortage..

I'm trying to distract with a fun movie, resting today, although it is a picture postcard day here.

Spouse's avoidance is troubling, I'm just lonely...

I may feel worse in a few days...but I have to keep going..

Mornings as you know are my worst time too..bc I face the day with crushing fatigue , no pain, but no energy, motivation, but a mind full of  things I want to do. Ugh.

There surely is merit in what you say, the cuts and sxs are inevitable for me with the v.

I feel better when I can be myself and share here, bc of lack of support at home, bb is a boost, a lifeline.

Tucking all these good thoughts in my pocket...

Hugs. Rose

 

[[be...]]

 

Bets,

 

Hi bets,

Yes I too have no one besides me..he sleeps in another room, well he snores too.

It is so lonely.. He sleeps well..I wish I could. Just so lonely in the morning, want to talk, too share coffee..

Even despite our disconnection now, I need to know he cares, or is nearby..I'm so darn sensitive, the lack of. Sleep does not help.

Cyber hugs work too! Thank you Betsy, and one good one back at you..hugs help everyone...

May all our prayers be heard and some relief come...need to stay strong. Ot is scarey though sometimes..I too repeat...this too shall pass....

I prayed this over and over last night with the Lord's Prayer to help me fall asleep as best I could.

Thank you for thinking of me..and checking in...it really means more than you could ever know...

 

Love. Rose

 

I worry a lot about you, ya know? Maybe it's best for the time being that hubby sleeps in the other room. He seems pretty useless to you in your time of need, IMO. That's what I never got from my former hubby. No support at all. He gave me the big D many years ago. I asked him why, and he said, "I cannot deal with anyone who is sick for more than a week."  Yet when he was sick, may God turn his head and focus on nothing but Ted. Baby brat! Much luv and prayers that you will get your much needed sleep, which is so evasive on this board. You need sleep to better heal. I will think of you at 5 am when I always have to get up and go to the bathroom. Ugh on that score.  :smitten: Bets

[[ro...]]

Oh Bets, that brought a smile to my face..that you think of me when you get up at 5 am to visit bathroom

He sleeps in quest room now,,he snores loudly, stays up to watch lots of sports and sci if movies..

Yes, when my ousejad back surgery last year, I did all I could, bathing, walker help, dr appts, meals, meds, that's what couples do...but I must be too much for him .i wake alone , jave my breakfast, coffee, he leaves for work, comes home, then works on car or goes to watch sports..I want to get some darn sleep on a regular basis so I can get out, engage more in life...most of the time I feel drunk, stupor...heavy head...Trying everything...hope it comes soon..I pray for it everyday...

Just sleep...

Hugs.  Rose

[[be...]]

Oh Bets, that brought a smile to my face..that you think of me when you get up at 5 am to visit bathroom

He sleeps in quest room now,,he snores loudly, stays up to watch lots of sports and sci if movies..

Yes, when my ousejad back surgery last year, I did all I could, bathing, walker help, dr appts, meals, meds, that's what couples do...but I must be too much for him .i wake alone , jave my breakfast, coffee, he leaves for work, comes home, then works on car or goes to watch sports..I want to get some darn sleep on a regular basis so I can get out, engage more in life...most of the time I feel drunk, stupor...heavy head...Trying everything...hope it comes soon..I pray for it everyday...

Just sleep...

Hugs.  Rose

 

I really hope you can get some sleep, any sleep tonight. When you feel really down, just think of the poor UVA student Heather Grahame, whose body has just been found in a shack in the woods. She was only 18.

[[ro...]]

Oh , that is tragic news, I didn't know. The poor family..I can't even imagine how much pain they must have to endure. I'm so sorry to,hear this. Terrible suffering.

:'(

Rose

[[be...]]

Oh , that is tragic news, I didn't know. The poor family..I can't even imagine how much pain they must have to endure. I'm so sorry to,hear this. Terrible suffering.

:'(

Rose

 

Since she was only 18 and had a full life ahead of her, I think I would trade places with her. What her family has to go through!!!! :'(

[[Di...]]

Oh Rose buddy. What can any of us do but offer a cyber hug. This journey is so tough, seems impossible at times. Yet i know it is possible bc many have done it before us and WE are doing it!! All we really have to do is survive. We PMd last week a little, now its a new week! Time is going by though it seems so slow. We are doing it!! Have you ever thought of a daily taper? Some people on this board swear by it. Maybe you should look into it?? Wouldnt hurt to do some research and ask how on the taper board. Just a thought. Love ya friend!!

 

Grinch 

 

Dear Grinch,

Hi there!

Another week , I lnow..but it is so darn lonely here. Thank you do very much for the hugs...I feel em..

My son all grown and gone, my grandson a teen and very busy, spouse settled into his own comfort zone...I feel different, alone, empty nest too...but not well enough to join something, or work..

This does seem impossible just as you said My friend. I wonder if I'll ever feel joyful and life full of promise again...

I don't know about a daily taper..I know many do it, but I'm not sure I could, or would know how...

This darn thing seems to occupy my whole day, everyday..it's so friggin hard to simply go to the vet, or market, let alone take my mom to the dr..drive a lot...lack of sleep

Want to be my ol self...I was independent, confident, optimistic..

Trying so hard..I just feel so alone on my home with my spouse..

Miss my son, everyone..

Emotional..

You are doing so well i see  from your signature..awesome G...I think of you so much..and try to be inspired by your taper...I know you suffer...I try to keep going on..

Lots of changes going on that make this unbearable some times

It means so much to get s message like this from you...thank you hon for being nearby..

Trying to smile....just so darn alone...

Hugs to,you

 

Love you G,

 

Rose

 

 

Hi Rose

 

I know I've asked you a few times already, so I'm almost nervous about asking you again, because I don't want you to think I'm nagging you, but would you PLEASE consider doing a daily taper. If you do, and you hate it, you can always stop it any time you like.

 

However, I think I can almost guarantee that most of these horrible things you are feeling are because your body just can't handle the cut and hold taper you are doing, and I hate to say it but it probably won't get better even as your dose gets lower. Truly - I know what I'm talking about. My body just couldn't handle doing a 0.25mg cut when I was at 5mg. It was like torture, but here I am totally benzo-free now.

 

You won't be left alone to work it out for yourself. There are many of us who will only be too happy to help you work out a daily taper plan that will suit you.

 

Just say the word Rose - and we'll be all over you like bird poop on a brand new car ....

[[ro...]]

Diaz Pam,

Hi hon.

I have considered, but just afraid of more change..it was hard getting use to the v. I'm not sure I could do the daily taper. I get confused now..maybe when I get to 5 mg.

I just don't know hon..I'm anxious thinking of it..

I have depression like crazy bc of hubby and moms illness..it may be just this stress affecting me so...and I'm trying so so hard everyday to relieve it..

I know you are here, and I may need to try it...just scared.

Hugs. And so sweet of you to be nearbY

ROSE

[[th...]]

Rose,

 

One thing you could do is try to figure it out while you get to 5 mg. Learn and understand it before you begin. That way you aren't tapering something unknown. It will give you weeks to ask, write down the directions, and figure it out. Then if you really don't understand you don't have to do it but u haven't lost any time with your taper. It might help to be another distraction too!  Resolve to learn right now but don't change unless your comfortable.

 

G

[[ro...]]

Dear G,

That's an idea..

I could consider it, then practice..

Change is hard for me , as you know from getting to know me.

It was a big change going over to the v.

There some anxiety for me doing a daily taper..im worried I'll mess up or not do any better..

I was a nurse..you would think I got this thing, but I've become a different person this past year...

Not myself.

Maybe learn it, but as you say, don't do it if I'm uncomfortable or too anxious.

I was thinking of you..hanging in there with you..

I'm glad you're nearby

Rose

 

[[ma...]]

Lorazepam.....I see that on so many signatures. It is A wonderful drug when you THINK you need it, it is not wonderful to stop taking . Lorazepam has taken time out of my life.Rosegal I read your posts and see how scared and anxious you are, I pray for you.You will get through this.

[[ro...]]

Marie,

It was a great med for me for many years..little did I know the price to pay.

I'm glad you only had a brief use of it. Good luck, you did the right thing..

Thanks for thinking of me and your reply..

Bless you.

Rose

[[be...]]

Oh Rose buddy. What can any of us do but offer a cyber hug. This journey is so tough, seems impossible at times. Yet i know it is possible bc many have done it before us and WE are doing it!! All we really have to do is survive. We PMd last week a little, now its a new week! Time is going by though it seems so slow. We are doing it!! Have you ever thought of a daily taper? Some people on this board swear by it. Maybe you should look into it?? Wouldnt hurt to do some research and ask how on the taper board. Just a thought. Love ya friend!!

 

Grinch 

 

Dear Grinch,

Hi there!

Another week , I lnow..but it is so darn lonely here. Thank you do very much for the hugs...I feel em..

My son all grown and gone, my grandson a teen and very busy, spouse settled into his own comfort zone...I feel different, alone, empty nest too...but not well enough to join something, or work..

This does seem impossible just as you said My friend. I wonder if I'll ever feel joyful and life full of promise again...

I don't know about a daily taper..I know many do it, but I'm not sure I could, or would know how...

This darn thing seems to occupy my whole day, everyday..it's so friggin hard to simply go to the vet, or market, let alone take my mom to the dr..drive a lot...lack of sleep

Want to be my ol self...I was independent, confident, optimistic..

Trying so hard..I just feel so alone on my home with my spouse..

Miss my son, everyone..

Emotional..

You are doing so well i see  from your signature..awesome G...I think of you so much..and try to be inspired by your taper...I know you suffer...I try to keep going on..

Lots of changes going on that make this unbearable some times

It means so much to get s message like this from you...thank you hon for being nearby..

Trying to smile....just so darn alone...

Hugs to,you

 

Love you G,

 

Rose

 

 

Hi Rose

 

I know I've asked you a few times already, so I'm almost nervous about asking you again, because I don't want you to think I'm nagging you, but would you PLEASE consider doing a daily taper. If you do, and you hate it, you can always stop it any time you like.

 

However, I think I can almost guarantee that most of these horrible things you are feeling are because your body just can't handle the cut and hold taper you are doing, and I hate to say it but it probably won't get better even as your dose gets lower. Truly - I know what I'm talking about. My body just couldn't handle doing a 0.25mg cut when I was at 5mg. It was like torture, but here I am totally benzo-free now.

 

You won't be left alone to work it out for yourself. There are many of us who will only be too happy to help you work out a daily taper plan that will suit you.

 

Just say the word Rose - and we'll be all over you like bird poop on a brand new car ....

 

 

DP:

 

I am finally going to take your suggestion to do a daily taper plan once I am down to 10-20 of Valium. I really don't understand how to do it, despite the fact that I read about the process here on this board. Call me stupid but I was never good at math. And frankly I am scared because I am afraid I will screw up and ruin my taper. I also wonder if you can lower your daily drop if you start to feel bad symptoms. I will need all of the support I can muster plus have someone explain this to me in 5th grade terms and how to go about this. I have made this decision because I have found so many people here who are doing so and feeling good. I doubt a cut and hold method will work for me at the end. Can I count on your support to help me through this switch?  Please take into consideration that I am an No PMs, I promise. Bets