My Life before benzodiazepines a reality reflection.

[[do...]]

As I write this I've decided to reveal my life as I remember it before benzo.

 

Well I was a drug addict at one time. I got sober in 1998. I did have a profound spiritual experience.

 

Yet I still felt uncomfortable and unsure of myself and a we had a fear and was not quite sure what to do with my life.

 

I began my search primarily because of my spiritual experience to connect with God and two I guess find out who I am and how to "heal" so I felt more alive.

 

I always felt less than or not enough and yet I did not know how to change that within me. I was also told that God lives within me and yet I could not find God within me. So I wanted to fill my heart and soul.

 

Anyway I read copious amounts of self-help books psychology books numerous seminars Tony Robbins etc. to try to feel normal feel alive feel worthy and somehow learn how to live life comfortably.

 

I wanted to love and I wanted to feel loved and I looked for it in women and also in male relationships I was trying to learn how to be a male.

 

I had read that I will need it to just be myself and I did not know how to do that. The friends I met told me how wonderful I was in yet I could not see it for myself.

 

I guess I wanted to live in a pipe dream one where I feel secure in myself I know who I am I have some sense of empowerment esteem and confidence I'm engaged and living my life every day I'm happy to be alive I feel alive and I feel worthy.

 

All of these things seem like just concepts to me right now and they are not part of my life experience and I have no idea how to realize these things they only what I read about and what I can see in certain individuals that just have a shirtless that life is good life is great life is okay I can do what I want and live freely.

 

I was hoping to maybe have a family loving wife that I love and adore and we know which other so well were like peas in a pod and we enjoyed precious moments together and friendships with people. I thought of having children but I'm not able to have children with this state of mind.

 

I guess I've always been upgrade to a degree but not like I did start to feel better while back when I was pursuing a project of mine and I was going to graduate school and I felt sort of my spirit coming to life I think.

 

I may not be making any sense right now I'm just trying to get my thoughts out on paper.

 

Most everything is clouded by my current experience.

 

I've asked God for another chance and I hope it's not too late.

 

I would like to feel comfortable in my own skin to have some inner peace somehow to be able to live in the present moment and somehow to be able to create some kind of wonderful life for myself before I leave the planet.

 

Enough babbling for this evening I just wanted to write because I like to hear from people. I like the recognition. Okay so I admit it. It helps during this time. Because I have no one else to talk to. The more people I hear from the better.

 

 

[[Lo...]]

this is so real and honest. its beautiful.