It's morning.

[[Je...]]

I feel poorly.  I can expound on the details if anyone needs me to.

 

j

[[be...]]

What's wrong Jerry?

[Guest [Mi...]]

I feel poorly.  I can expound on the details if anyone needs me to.

 

j

 

You're not even gonna give us a hint? There's like ten zillion withdrawal symptoms!

 

Seriously, what's up?

[[Je...]]

Hmmm, well I wake up at  5...  I take my morning Xanax dose at 5:30.  While I'm waiting for it to kick in, my thoughts race, they focus inwards, all I can think about is how I feel.  I feel a mixture of

anxiety and disconnection...and restlessness.

 

I try to read the news, but I can't focus on it.  What I do manage to absorb scares me. 

 

My inward focus laments my feelings of helplessness.  Without Xanax and interdose, I feel kind of helpless, like I can't cope with anything.  So I take my second dose of Xanax at 9:00.

(I can still drive, go places and semi function, but it's not always much fun)

 

I can feel my 9 am Xanax kick in more as it raises my blood level closer to what my body is used to.

I'm calmer, but I really don't like the calmness that much.  It's certainly better than freaking out.

 

I'll take another X dose about 1, and another about 5.  Evenings are a lot better.  I don't want to go to bed.  I want to sit and enjoy feeling somewhat normal.  About 11 I go to bed,  usually sleep until 4 or 5.  Next day rinse and repeat.

 

I worry about going crazy, but I think I sound pretty tuned in to what I'm feeling.

 

I don't have much motivation to do anything.  My peak performance is perhaps going for a walk during the day.

 

I don't want to die, I know that, but what I'm going thru is very difficult.  And the thing is, I've put my taper on hold.  Likely what I'm experiencing is the joys of Benzo dependence.  You asked:)

[Guest [Mi...]]

Yes, we did indeed ask! And I'm glad you told us. 

 

I had tons of problems with morning terrors when I hit tolerance, well before I'd heard of Benzo Buddies and Dr. Ashton. I literally thought I was going crazy. So did my pdoc. 

 

He wanted to up my Seroquel and put me back on Trileptal (mood stabilizer). I was a bit medication non-compliant. 

 

Anyways. . . what helped me the most was listening to guided meditations. I couldn't for the life of me focus on what they were saying. But it relaxed and comforted me nonetheless.

 

Here's one of my favorites:

 

[[Je...]]

So I'm guessing u can relate?

[Guest [Mi...]]

So I'm guessing u can relate?

 

Oh, yes, I can relate. Wish I could make it go away for you. But I can tell you you're going to be okay. Hugs. 

[[ru...]]

Same here. Just like MindSeeker, my p/doc thought I was some sort of treatment resistant oddball and would increase my Seroquel and or Depakote/Lamictal. He would also offer an increase in clonazepam saying I was ONLY taking 3mg and could go as high as 8mg. He spoke as if he was wearing a badge of honor for keeping his patients on such high doses 

 

But ya Jer, my mornings are definitely the worst for me and slowly improve as the day goes on. I go to bed at night and ask God to please bless me with a better awakening, at least one morning. It causes anticipatory anxiety in itself every night when I lay down cause I know what's waiting for me in several hours.

 

I thought many times I was going nuts! This has went on for years, but I must say, since getting off all the mood stabilizing junk my ability to fight the morning hell is slowly improving. Still have bad times...lots!!! BUT, I now know it's all chemically induced and I am a normal person and will heal, so will you. Hang in there Buddy, you are doing the right thing and I'm here to support you 

[[be...]]

Jer:

 

I really feel for you. Mornings are the pits for me too. I can't say I fully understand what you are going through, because I have not had these problems ~~ yet. But I know this has been a rough road for you, so I send my condolences. You've done a fine job, despite your troubles, so I firmly believe you will get through this one way or another. I have great faith in you. Hang in there kiddo. Hugs, Bets

[[Je...]]

What is weird is in the evenings, I find myself feeling pretty decent.    Last night I remember thinking I wish I felt this good all the time.    If I could just bottle that up and save it.

[[be...]]

What is weird is in the evenings, I find myself feeling pretty decent.    Last night I remember thinking I wish I felt this good all the time.    If I could just bottle that up and save it.

 

If you can bottle it then consider me to be your first customer.