Benzo release

[[lo...]]

 

Well, I jumped off the K freight train on Sunday. I am going to deal with the reality of coping with life-long depression without using a benzo. It is gone forever! I am feeling light-headed and have many distorted thoughts but the evil physical withdrawal anguish,, neuralgia, gut problems, numb tongue, red painful  eyes, phlegm build up, unstable walk, sleeplessness, severe head ache, and on and on is gone!

 

I have thought for a long time that my brain is not able to produce a balance amount of serotonin, dopamine. Depression goes much deeper than feeling sad/blue. The physical and emotional symptoms are very real. The Trazodone that I was taking only for sleep, I am now taking during the day at 8 hour intervals (25 mg. at 8 am, 25 mg. at 4 pm), then 150 mg. at night for sleep. This dosage is working for me and I feel like myself again. I am not sluggish. Rather, I feel focused, stable, can make decisions, feel 'in touch' with the real world.

 

It's still early in the benzo withdrawal/jump but I am feeling confident that I have absolutely done the right thing. My brain does not need K, nor does my body need to continue going through hell anymore. The withdrawal has been a 2 year journey after 26 years of use/uselessness. Now I face the challenge of living with unobscured REALITY! Felt like I had to post this and will continue to post. This web site is so helpful and the people are so supportive. I truly appreciate the feedback of people who understand. The general population just doesn't get it and how would they!

 

[[lo...]]

I'm replying to myself but that's OK because I continue to keep track of withdrawal symptoms. The biggest one right now is a feeling of being time warped. I posted in my progress log that I feel like I've lost time. When I looked at the clock today it made sense but it didn't make sense. Very weird!

 

Has anyone experienced this sensation of having been lost in a different time zone or something? It's kind of like being frozen in time and now the clock is moving. That's the only way I can describe it.

[[ra...]]

Dear Lost and Found,

 

Congrats.  That is an awesum achievement.  I would suggest you try not to obsessively track your symptoms as they come and go and wax and wane, but rather stay distracted as best you can.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[lo...]]

Thanks Ramcon, I am doing my best to keep both mind and body occupied. I'll keep monitoring my progress and acknowledge the withdrawal symptoms. The challenge is being kind to myself. I have a habit of beating myself up mentally even when I don't need to. Thank goodness I have a psychologist that I see every six weeks. It is good to touch base and talk about here and now...not what was.

 

Now to get on with life:)

[[Wh...]]

Congrats!!! Give things time! You'll be fine! Symptoms are bound to show up, but try not to let them control you! You are well on track to take charge of your life! Keep up the good progress!

[[lo...]]

 

Over the past few days many things are a blur. I do have a fearful recollection of the carpet coming at me and the pattern on the carpet moving. Today my feet touching the ground makes sense. I was walking through the park the other day and I knew I was there but I felt very disconnected and paranoid. Stages of my life have flashed before me, in a very unpleasant way. No way I could get rid of the destructive thoughts. Just had to ride the wave and try to stay sane. I felt that it was possible to have an aneurism and it didn't matter. The underlying question was, "Is this drug withdrawal or is there really something wrong with my brain?" Probably a bit of both. Talk about going this journey alone! I have lost a marriage, no children possible and I have LOST myself in a career from which I threw my life because there was no where else to go. Well if someone else reading this, learns, then it has all been worth it.

 

One thing is for sure, family and friends are important. Don't push people away who try to understand. There are people who cannot begin to understand so just let them go their own way because they will never understand. They fear what they can't understand so don't be judgmental about them even though they are judgmental about you.

 

My doctor said that I have done well in coming off K slowly but she is still cautious about how I am and how I will be. I have an absolute diagnosis that has been successfully treated with a drug. However, we change and the drug that WAS useful might not be useful anymore and such is the case.

 

It IS a fact that my brain chemistry is out of balance. I had to withdraw from the 26 year journey with K to find this out once and for all. A very frightening but real situation. The brain is so complex and doctors sometimes have to rely on the patient's symptoms and words as well as scientific proof. But being so plastic we do change and treatment change has to follow. I can't ignore this and the quality of my life does matter. No more Clonazepam because it is not therapeutically useful anymore. Get on with what is real here and NOW. Still possible to have a life.

 

[[ea...]]

Lost and Found,

What you need to understand is that withdrawal from a benzo causes a kind of temporary brain damage. TEMPORARY. The healing process fixes it.

I cannot tell you how many posts I have read where people worried about having a disease, serious brain damage, etc. I was like that, too. Obsessing about our health seems to be a part of withdrawal. It really helped me to read a few articles about why our symptoms happen, the basic physiology behind it. Its pretty simple. Wtihdrawal causes an excess of certain chemicals, and a lack of certain others. This is one cause of symptoms.

The important thing to know is that these imbalances get better as time goes by....and symptoms diminish as things get balanced again.

Your description was excellent. I could just feel how bad you're feeling, and it made me remember how bad I felt during my first few months of withdrawal.

east

[[pr...]]

L&F,

I know exactly what you are feeling. I know all of it. Nothing is lost- it is all covered up right now. Congratulations!!!

[[lo...]]

Aside from non-stop tinnitus which I am kind of used to now, some very ugly withdrawal has been happening in the last couple of days. I went to choir practice last night and when I was singing in a seated position I felt like everyone was watching me which was not true but the anxiety level was so high that sweat was pouring off me and I felt like my bowels were 'leaking'. When I got up from the chair I actually checked the chair to see if something had happened which it hadn't. The gut issues involving the entire digestive system have been so bad that bowel leakage is real. The quality of my voice has changed as well and singing is more difficult because of excessively dry throat. I know it sounds like I'm obsessing but I have to live in this body and it feels like a dying body.

 

This morning I when I was volunteering at the Food Bank I found it hard to focus on driving. I have to be really careful with this because I will not put myself or others at risk. It would be tragic to lose this form of independence as my life involves driving around to different places. My head is buzzing and the left side of my face feels like it has dropped. The left side of my neck and jaw feel as though they are being gripped by an iron claw. Really great when I'm trying to welcome people into a Food Bank. I feel like the 'claw' is obvious or that my face is twisted and everyone sees it. Sure I'm off Clonazepam but what about quality of life? Hope the quality improves! Sleep deprived for a couple of weeks now. Have to keep telling myself this is worth it and things will improve.

[[Br...]]

Over the past few days many things are a blur. I do have a fearful recollection of the carpet coming at me and the pattern on the carpet moving. Today my feet touching the ground makes sense. I was walking through the park the other day and I knew I was there but I felt very disconnected and paranoid. Stages of my life have flashed before me, in a very unpleasant way. No way I could get rid of the destructive thoughts. Just had to ride the wave and try to stay sane. I felt that it was possible to have an aneurism and it didn't matter. The underlying question was, "Is this drug withdrawal or is there really something wrong with my brain?" Probably a bit of both. Talk about going this journey alone! I have lost a marriage, no children possible and I have LOST myself in a career from which I threw my life because there was no where else to go. Well if someone else reading this, learns, then it has all been worth it.

 

One thing is for sure, family and friends are important. Don't push people away who try to understand. There are people who cannot begin to understand so just let them go their own way because they will never understand. They fear what they can't understand so don't be judgmental about them even though they are judgmental about you.

 

My doctor said that I have done well in coming off K slowly but she is still cautious about how I am and how I will be. I have an absolute diagnosis that has been successfully treated with a drug. However, we change and the drug that WAS useful might not be useful anymore and such is the case.

 

It IS a fact that my brain chemistry is out of balance. I had to withdraw from the 26 year journey with K to find this out once and for all. A very frightening but real situation. The brain is so complex and doctors sometimes have to rely on the patient's symptoms and words as well as scientific proof. But being so plastic we do change and treatment change has to follow. I can't ignore this and the quality of my life does matter. No more Clonazepam because it is not therapeutically useful anymore. Get on with what is real here and NOW. Still possible to have a life.

 

Hiya Lost And Found.  Well done for pushing yourself through a long taper.  I found there were a lot of weird experiences during my taper but my body saved one last weird experience for me when I jumped. 

 

I guess you may be getting something similar.  My body wasn't used to being benzo free and it took a few months to adjust.  It may be worth taking extra care of yourself at this time in case there are a few aftershocks.  Good luck.

 

 

[[lo...]]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Writing down weird thoughts definitely has some cathartic value but it si risky because you're putting yourself out there. My hope is that the sharing of thoughts and experiences will benefit someone else.

 

Today, I'm not feeling too badly even though there was no escape into sleep last night. At least I was able to rest. I think the mind must go into an 'idle zone' where it safely heals. If that is not true then I haven't slept for two weeks. However, if it is true that the mind goes into a rest zone then I can positively say that I have been healing very well in the past two weeks. I feel neither tired or lethargic. I can get on with the day.

 

When I saw the doctor a little over a week ago she was supportive but she said to get used to the idea of having my mind shift into the way it was before I was on K. How can she say that? I should have asked for clarification on that statement or maybe my interpretation was skewed. I have changed and grown in the  26 years that I was on the drug. I have no intention on regressing or going backwards. I remember what life was like 26 years ago and I couldn't go back there if I tried. Has anyone out there been off their medication long enough to determine if they are moving ahead or if they have 'slipped backwards' to old thinking and old behavior, old habits?

[[lo...]]

 

Everything appears to be very bright and I'm slightly dizzy. Almost three weeks off K now. Still not sleeping. At night I'm somewhere between here and somewhere... I believe I have seen the face of death in the wee hours of the morning when I feel completely exposed to whatever is out there. There's no way to cover up. Whatever happens, happens and there is no way to control it. Past memories, repetitive music, mindless drivel creeps into the mind as I feel paralyzed, too paralyzed to even get up to read or do something useful. This passes.

 

I am aware that my mind is trying to heal so with that thought I am able to get through the day and contribute what I can. I have waves of feeling really tired but my brain won't shut off enough to allow sleep to happen. I believe it eventually will...laws of nature says it has to.

 

I clearly remember what life was like before taking K. Having been off it for three weeks I have had no seizures and I don't believe that I will. I feel like I have been living in another world and in a way I have with a blanket over my head. The medication provides a buffer that protects in a way but dulls the senses and puts the brain in a slowed down grey cloud. When the medication is removed the clouds roll back and I am able to see the world clearly again...too clearly! It's frightening at first because all the senses are heightened both inside the head and outside. ALL of my skin feels 'prickly'. Also, I have read many other buddies who have gut issues...yep, I identify with that! Every cell in my body is in recovery, not just the brain.

 

I won't ever forget life before and life during and I have made a promise to get on with life now.

 

[[ea...]]

What a beautifully written post, lost and found. Reading it took me back to my own first month. Thank you for sharing with us, and keep up the good work. You seem to have an excellent attitude, and this will serve you well as you recover.

east