EXXXXXTREME Dissasociation at 10 months out -losing hope! Anyone?

[[13...]]

Has Anyone experience this? Why at 10 months out C/T withdrawal am I losing touch with reality. The DP/DR has been present the entire time -my worst symptom along anxiety, but this is in a league of its own. I go 95% of the day with this horrible horrible feeling -like I'm already dead. I have NO memories, can't connect my past and my feature thoughts are only about death. I cry day after day because it is unbearable. I rarely have windows, and if I do they last minutes.

I don't know how many more days I can live like this. My friend staying with me yells at me and says this is something I'm causing. I just give up :'(

[[13...]]

SORRY -mispelt dissociation 

 

[Guest [ma...]]

Hi 1314 what you are going through, given what you have been through as far as getting off benzos is very "normal". I had DP/DR very badly for a long time and then it began to lift. Then as usual it returned even stronger than before it left and then it left for good.

 

I have walked the path that you are right now. I did not have one window until after year two so that fact that you have had windows is a really good sign. I only have physical symptoms left after 15 years of being told I was out of my mind. Try if you can to trust in the innate ability of your body and brain to heal given the amount of time that is right for you.

 

You have 10 months under your belt which is something to be proud of. Take good care, mandala

[[13...]]

Mandala,

I don't know if you'll get this response -I have to figure out how the threads work to communicate after someone has replied to my post.

I just want to say thank you! Not a single person understands outside of this forum. My one friend that was there for me (and I don't blame her) is at her wits end. She thinks my existential crisis, Dp/Dr is some sort of spiritual problem I'm having. She doesn't understand I cannot control these thoughts. I try to distract and my goodness, I'm doing the best I can. Nobody understands and it makes it even more of a struggle. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Can I ask you, did you have existential thoughts? I HATE them! It is exhausting for a "normal" person, and doubly terrible for someone in wd.  The existence and the meaning of life go over and over and over and over in my mind.

[Guest [ma...]]

Mandala,

I don't know if you'll get this response -I have to figure out how the threads work to communicate after someone has replied to my post.

I just want to say thank you! Not a single person understands outside of this forum. My one friend that was there for me (and I don't blame her) is at her wits end. She thinks my existential crisis, Dp/Dr is some sort of spiritual problem I'm having. She doesn't understand I cannot control these thoughts. I try to distract and my goodness, I'm doing the best I can. Nobody understands and it makes it even more of a struggle. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Can I ask you, did you have existential thoughts? I HATE them! It is exhausting for a "normal" person, and doubly terrible for someone in wd.  The existence and the meaning of life go over and over and over and over in my mind.

 

Yuppers you figured it out how to reply just fine. 

 

Yes I can relate to the mental anguish and everything else you are talking about. You are right that you can't control it but trying to fight it and wishing it would go away will magnify it....I know that for sure. I felt like my brain had been taken hostage. Of course some of these symptoms I had for years while on the drugs and in w/d but I had no idea what was going on......hence the multiple psychiatric misdiagnoses.

 

My mind is now more quiet and at peace than it has been in decades. I am also at peace inspite of what I have lived through. My personality is back, my spirituality is back, and on and on. It was always there but it was just "temporarily" maked by the drugs and then the recovery and that applies to you as well. You are in there, but your brain just can't access those parts of you right now b/c it's too busy healing.

 

You are right that nobody who has not experienced this can relate ......it's just a fact. When I was much younger I stupidly took LSD. I had some bad trips or what I thought were bad. Recovering from these drugs was like being on acid and not coming down for months and months. It was 1000 times worse. I think this is part of what contributes to our doubts.  Meaning, how can healing from a drug like benzos taken as prescribed actually be worse than some powerful illicit drug? Well for some it just is. I am no longer surprised or bothered about others not getting what we are going through. The blessing here is that we are very lucky b/c we know what was making us crazy and we have a chance to heal.

 

Stay strong. 

[[Be...]]

1314, why is your friend yelling at you?  Not nice.  I think that might have something to do with your torment?

[[13...]]

Thank you so so much Mandala

It makes sense what you are saying. My brain cannot access those parts of itself because it is healing.  I think we lose hope (as a whole) because life and people forge on yet we remain in the torment many months later. I'll have a memory come in -I'll try and think of dear family members- and I feel this sickness in my stomach because I have no association to the memory. I will continue to hang in there. This is the first time in 10 months (besides on post many months back) that I've utilized the forum. What a blessing it is. I will be there to encourage others, that is for sure!

 

[[13...]]

Becksblue,

 

I actually try and "hide" a lot of my symptoms from people because people just do NOT understand. I wouldn't have understood 10 months ago. I can see it on their faces when I do bring it up. I get a blank stare. It is more upsetting to talk about it with people other than this forum.

I had such a bad day today, excruciating, and I came home in tears. I just started to cry because I'm so weary of the mental torment. She thinks is something other than w/d. She thinks I can 'control' it. She thinks I'm not doing enough to help myself and it won't "go away" until I do. It is turning into a really non-supportive relationship. She's tired of seeing me like this. It really brings me down to be judge to harshly when I'm suffering so much. I'm doing the best I can

[[Be...]]

1314, you're being treated poorly by your friend, shame on her.  Tell her to knock it off and get educated.  We're here to give you support.  keep coming back here. 

[Guest [Ma...]]

Hi 1314,

 

Please give your friend the following letter...it made all the difference with my family and no doubt will give your friend a glimpse into the " hell " you are going through...

 

Dear Friends and Family:

 

You are reading this now because someone you know and care about is struggling with one of the most difficult times in their life by choosing to withdraw from a Benzodiazepine class prescription drug.

 

Benzodiazepines are psychoactive drugs first distributed as Valium in the 1960’s and later distributed under various brand names such as: Xanax,  Librium, Klonopin, Ativan,  among others. Benzodiazepines are commonly prescribed for the treatment of  anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures, and are frequently given to those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.*

 

Patients are seldom warned about the dangers of using ‘Benzos’ and many doctors are uneducated about the side effects and possible withdrawal effects that occur when a patient attempts to stop taking the medication.  Physical dependence can ensue in as little as nine days use, even when taken only in very small amounts or exactly as prescribed.

 

It is important to understand that a person using Benzo’s as prescribed is not an ‘addict’. A person who is addicted has a disease that undermines optimal function and drives one to compulsively use a drug, despite the negative consequences. In contrast, a person withdrawing from Benzodiazapines has unwittingly damaged their GABA neurotransmitters as the result of responsible use of a medication, and is forced to undergo negative consequences in order to discontinue their use of the medication. It takes a brave and strong individual to choose to this painful process, rather than continuing to take the medication indefinitely.

 

It is vital that a person who wishes to discontinue use of a Benzodiazepine does so in an informed and gradual manner (tapering) to avoid serious side effects such as seizure, coma, or psychosis. Even when gradually tapering off of the medication, side effects are often severe and debilitating and can include symptoms such as:

 

•  Abdominal cramping, bloating and digestive disturbances (diarrhea and constipation)

•  Inability to control bodily functions such as swallowing, blinking, movement of limbs

•  Weakness and fatigue, sleepiness and loss of interest in life

•  Severe headaches and ‘cog fog’ or fuzzy thinking

•  Tinitus, ringing in the ears

•  Inability to process incoming data like conversation, television, reading

•  Extreme hunger and thirst, loss of appetite,  hypoglycemia

•  Blood pressure fluctuations

•  Lightheadedness or fainting, dizziness

•  Difficulty breathing, the feeling that the brain isn’t sending the ‘breathe’ command

•  Heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, tachycardia

•  Sensitivity to light and sound, movement

•  Blurry vision, double vision, seeing waves or sparks, eye twitches, photosensitivity

•  Menstrual irregularities, hormonal imbalances

•  Twitching or aching muscles, myoclonic jerks or spasms

•  Adrenal ‘rushes’ – these can be instantaneous or last for hours

•  Severe Insomnia and changes in sleep patterns such as early waking

•  Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, fear of being alone

•  Hypochondria, convinced that they are going to die

•  Derealization – the feeling of unreality, or as though you are in a movie

•  Depersonalization – Arms and legs feel detached from body, can’t recognize your own face or possessions

•  Itching, burning skin, pins and needles feeling

•  Hallucinations (visual, tactile, and auditory)

•  Exaggeration of natural reflexes such as startling easily

•  Impotence, decreased sex drive

•  Loss of taste, nausea, weight loss or gain

•  Shaking, tremors or seizures

•  Morbid thoughts, changes in personality, loss of self respect, suicidal feelings

•  Worsening of symptoms with changes in diet, supplements or other medications

 

The process of withdrawal from these drugs can be profound, painful and life-altering.  Most people do completely recover, but the healing process can be extremely slow. Most sufferers will be healed one year after COMPLETING their taper off of the medicine, but many take months or even years to feel completely themselves once again.

 

As support for a person withdrawing from benzodiazepines, you are a crucial part of the healing process. Many people are unable to drive, shop, work, or parent effectively during their healing. Their daily lives and activities, and often their self-respect and relationships suffer a severe blow. The person undergoing this process is very vulnerable and will need your assistance in a variety of ways, including:

 

•  Physical helps such as food preparation, personal care, and assistance with household chores.

•  Financial help if the loved one is unable to work. 

•  Emotional support and understanding – a non-judgmental attitude that embodies encouragement and persistent hope.

•  A peaceful, comforting living environment as free of loud noises, bright lights, and chaos as possible.

•  Transportation to doctor’s appointments or to meet other needs, and help with shopping.

•  Help parenting or making arrangements for childcare.

•  Companionship (sometimes constant) especially during periods of lightheadedness, heart symptoms, seizure episodes, agoraphobia or severe depression or anxiety.

 

Most of all, the person going through withdrawal needs you to be present in their life and to let them know that you will not give up on them.  Constant reassurance and caring is the only weapon a caregiver has to help fight the lies that the withdrawal of the benzodiazepine feeds to the brain and nervous system of the sufferer. You are integral to your loved one’s eventual success. You can remind them that they will get through this, that you are there for them, and that they are not to blame for the temporary damage the drug has caused.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Ne...]]

:'(  Stay strong! I had disassociation for months and months. I told my oncologist that I was dead and never coming back. (to  my body) I said I am no longer myself. I am someone else. I said my brain was flat. I said the fun part of me was dead and my body was trying to kill me. No, the side effects are the results of the drug plain and simple. Tell your friend to get educated about Lorazepam. I had lymphedema in my arm from the drug. I thought my arm was trying to kill me. I am 66 now and lucky to be alive.

[[Wo...]]

Mandala,

I don't know if you'll get this response -I have to figure out how the threads work to communicate after someone has replied to my post.

I just want to say thank you! Not a single person understands outside of this forum. My one friend that was there for me (and I don't blame her) is at her wits end. She thinks my existential crisis, Dp/Dr is some sort of spiritual problem I'm having. She doesn't understand I cannot control these thoughts. I try to distract and my goodness, I'm doing the best I can. Nobody understands and it makes it even more of a struggle. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Can I ask you, did you have existential thoughts? I HATE them! It is exhausting for a "normal" person, and doubly terrible for someone in wd.  The existence and the meaning of life go over and over and over and over in my mind.

 

I hear you and I know exactly what your going through and all my family and friends think it's just anxiety and that I should have control over it and not let it control me, it don't work that way as your right you don't have control over it, I've tried everything from CBT to counselling to get rid of it and nothing works, I face my fears to try beat the anxiety that feeds it but this also does not work..

 

Everyone has told me including Mandala that nothing will cure it only TIME so I hope it burns itself out soon as it's the worst thing in the world to go through and if you let it in it will crack you up..

 

The friend that said that to you wouldn't last a day going through what your going through right now so disregard their ignorance, it can't harm you but it will make you question everything as all you see and feel look and feel wrong, if you want clear descriptions of my DP/DR journey just read some of my posts and you will see I have like Mandala walked the same road that you are stuck on right now..

 

My sincerest sympathies

 

Woofs

[[Wo...]]

Mandala,

I don't know if you'll get this response -I have to figure out how the threads work to communicate after someone has replied to my post.

I just want to say thank you! Not a single person understands outside of this forum. My one friend that was there for me (and I don't blame her) is at her wits end. She thinks my existential crisis, Dp/Dr is some sort of spiritual problem I'm having. She doesn't understand I cannot control these thoughts. I try to distract and my goodness, I'm doing the best I can. Nobody understands and it makes it even more of a struggle. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Can I ask you, did you have existential thoughts? I HATE them! It is exhausting for a "normal" person, and doubly terrible for someone in wd.  The existence and the meaning of life go over and over and over and over in my mind.

 

The existing life thoughts are crucifying, why are we here, where did we come from, how did we get here, what are we, what is this world, where do we go when we die, everything looks false, made up, and pointless and you walk around like you don't exist anyway so it feels like your whole life has become non - existential and it is in one word 'terrifying'!!

 

I so feel your pain as I never had any of these thoughts before benzos as life was great before!!!

[[Va...]]

Hi 1314,

 

Please give your friend the following letter...it made all the difference with my family and no doubt will give your friend a glimpse into the " hell " you are going through...

 

Dear Friends and Family:

 

You are reading this now because someone you know and care about is struggling with one of the most difficult times in their life by choosing to withdraw from a Benzodiazepine class prescription drug.

 

Benzodiazepines are psychoactive drugs first distributed as Valium in the 1960’s and later distributed under various brand names such as: Xanax,  Librium, Klonopin, Ativan,  among others. Benzodiazepines are commonly prescribed for the treatment of  anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures, and are frequently given to those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.*

 

Patients are seldom warned about the dangers of using ‘Benzos’ and many doctors are uneducated about the side effects and possible withdrawal effects that occur when a patient attempts to stop taking the medication.  Physical dependence can ensue in as little as nine days use, even when taken only in very small amounts or exactly as prescribed.

 

It is important to understand that a person using Benzo’s as prescribed is not an ‘addict’. A person who is addicted has a disease that undermines optimal function and drives one to compulsively use a drug, despite the negative consequences. In contrast, a person withdrawing from Benzodiazapines has unwittingly damaged their GABA neurotransmitters as the result of responsible use of a medication, and is forced to undergo negative consequences in order to discontinue their use of the medication. It takes a brave and strong individual to choose to this painful process, rather than continuing to take the medication indefinitely.

 

It is vital that a person who wishes to discontinue use of a Benzodiazepine does so in an informed and gradual manner (tapering) to avoid serious side effects such as seizure, coma, or psychosis. Even when gradually tapering off of the medication, side effects are often severe and debilitating and can include symptoms such as:

 

•  Abdominal cramping, bloating and digestive disturbances (diarrhea and constipation)

•  Inability to control bodily functions such as swallowing, blinking, movement of limbs

•  Weakness and fatigue, sleepiness and loss of interest in life

•  Severe headaches and ‘cog fog’ or fuzzy thinking

•  Tinitus, ringing in the ears

•  Inability to process incoming data like conversation, television, reading

•  Extreme hunger and thirst, loss of appetite,  hypoglycemia

•  Blood pressure fluctuations

•  Lightheadedness or fainting, dizziness

•  Difficulty breathing, the feeling that the brain isn’t sending the ‘breathe’ command

•  Heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, tachycardia

•  Sensitivity to light and sound, movement

•  Blurry vision, double vision, seeing waves or sparks, eye twitches, photosensitivity

•  Menstrual irregularities, hormonal imbalances

•  Twitching or aching muscles, myoclonic jerks or spasms

•  Adrenal ‘rushes’ – these can be instantaneous or last for hours

•  Severe Insomnia and changes in sleep patterns such as early waking

•  Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, fear of being alone

•  Hypochondria, convinced that they are going to die

•  Derealization – the feeling of unreality, or as though you are in a movie

•  Depersonalization – Arms and legs feel detached from body, can’t recognize your own face or possessions

•  Itching, burning skin, pins and needles feeling

•  Hallucinations (visual, tactile, and auditory)

•  Exaggeration of natural reflexes such as startling easily

•  Impotence, decreased sex drive

•  Loss of taste, nausea, weight loss or gain

•  Shaking, tremors or seizures

•  Morbid thoughts, changes in personality, loss of self respect, suicidal feelings

•  Worsening of symptoms with changes in diet, supplements or other medications

 

The process of withdrawal from these drugs can be profound, painful and life-altering.  Most people do completely recover, but the healing process can be extremely slow. Most sufferers will be healed one year after COMPLETING their taper off of the medicine, but many take months or even years to feel completely themselves once again.

 

As support for a person withdrawing from benzodiazepines, you are a crucial part of the healing process. Many people are unable to drive, shop, work, or parent effectively during their healing. Their daily lives and activities, and often their self-respect and relationships suffer a severe blow. The person undergoing this process is very vulnerable and will need your assistance in a variety of ways, including:

 

•  Physical helps such as food preparation, personal care, and assistance with household chores.

•  Financial help if the loved one is unable to work. 

•  Emotional support and understanding – a non-judgmental attitude that embodies encouragement and persistent hope.

•  A peaceful, comforting living environment as free of loud noises, bright lights, and chaos as possible.

•  Transportation to doctor’s appointments or to meet other needs, and help with shopping.

•  Help parenting or making arrangements for childcare.

•  Companionship (sometimes constant) especially during periods of lightheadedness, heart symptoms, seizure episodes, agoraphobia or severe depression or anxiety.

 

Most of all, the person going through withdrawal needs you to be present in their life and to let them know that you will not give up on them.  Constant reassurance and caring is the only weapon a caregiver has to help fight the lies that the withdrawal of the benzodiazepine feeds to the brain and nervous system of the sufferer. You are integral to your loved one’s eventual success. You can remind them that they will get through this, that you are there for them, and that they are not to blame for the temporary damage the drug has caused.

 

Thank you for this letter!

 

[[Wo...]]

Hi 1314,

 

Please give your friend the following letter...it made all the difference with my family and no doubt will give your friend a glimpse into the " hell " you are going through...

 

Dear Friends and Family:

 

You are reading this now because someone you know and care about is struggling with one of the most difficult times in their life by choosing to withdraw from a Benzodiazepine class prescription drug.

 

Benzodiazepines are psychoactive drugs first distributed as Valium in the 1960’s and later distributed under various brand names such as: Xanax,  Librium, Klonopin, Ativan,  among others. Benzodiazepines are commonly prescribed for the treatment of  anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures, and are frequently given to those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.*

 

Patients are seldom warned about the dangers of using ‘Benzos’ and many doctors are uneducated about the side effects and possible withdrawal effects that occur when a patient attempts to stop taking the medication.  Physical dependence can ensue in as little as nine days use, even when taken only in very small amounts or exactly as prescribed.

 

It is important to understand that a person using Benzo’s as prescribed is not an ‘addict’. A person who is addicted has a disease that undermines optimal function and drives one to compulsively use a drug, despite the negative consequences. In contrast, a person withdrawing from Benzodiazapines has unwittingly damaged their GABA neurotransmitters as the result of responsible use of a medication, and is forced to undergo negative consequences in order to discontinue their use of the medication. It takes a brave and strong individual to choose to this painful process, rather than continuing to take the medication indefinitely.

 

It is vital that a person who wishes to discontinue use of a Benzodiazepine does so in an informed and gradual manner (tapering) to avoid serious side effects such as seizure, coma, or psychosis. Even when gradually tapering off of the medication, side effects are often severe and debilitating and can include symptoms such as:

 

•  Abdominal cramping, bloating and digestive disturbances (diarrhea and constipation)

•  Inability to control bodily functions such as swallowing, blinking, movement of limbs

•  Weakness and fatigue, sleepiness and loss of interest in life

•  Severe headaches and ‘cog fog’ or fuzzy thinking

•  Tinitus, ringing in the ears

•  Inability to process incoming data like conversation, television, reading

•  Extreme hunger and thirst, loss of appetite,  hypoglycemia

•  Blood pressure fluctuations

•  Lightheadedness or fainting, dizziness

•  Difficulty breathing, the feeling that the brain isn’t sending the ‘breathe’ command

•  Heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, tachycardia

•  Sensitivity to light and sound, movement

•  Blurry vision, double vision, seeing waves or sparks, eye twitches, photosensitivity

•  Menstrual irregularities, hormonal imbalances

•  Twitching or aching muscles, myoclonic jerks or spasms

•  Adrenal ‘rushes’ – these can be instantaneous or last for hours

•  Severe Insomnia and changes in sleep patterns such as early waking

•  Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, fear of being alone

•  Hypochondria, convinced that they are going to die

•  Derealization – the feeling of unreality, or as though you are in a movie

•  Depersonalization – Arms and legs feel detached from body, can’t recognize your own face or possessions

•  Itching, burning skin, pins and needles feeling

•  Hallucinations (visual, tactile, and auditory)

•  Exaggeration of natural reflexes such as startling easily

•  Impotence, decreased sex drive

•  Loss of taste, nausea, weight loss or gain

•  Shaking, tremors or seizures

•  Morbid thoughts, changes in personality, loss of self respect, suicidal feelings

•  Worsening of symptoms with changes in diet, supplements or other medications

 

The process of withdrawal from these drugs can be profound, painful and life-altering.  Most people do completely recover, but the healing process can be extremely slow. Most sufferers will be healed one year after COMPLETING their taper off of the medicine, but many take months or even years to feel completely themselves once again.

 

As support for a person withdrawing from benzodiazepines, you are a crucial part of the healing process. Many people are unable to drive, shop, work, or parent effectively during their healing. Their daily lives and activities, and often their self-respect and relationships suffer a severe blow. The person undergoing this process is very vulnerable and will need your assistance in a variety of ways, including:

 

•  Physical helps such as food preparation, personal care, and assistance with household chores.

•  Financial help if the loved one is unable to work. 

•  Emotional support and understanding – a non-judgmental attitude that embodies encouragement and persistent hope.

•  A peaceful, comforting living environment as free of loud noises, bright lights, and chaos as possible.

•  Transportation to doctor’s appointments or to meet other needs, and help with shopping.

•  Help parenting or making arrangements for childcare.

•  Companionship (sometimes constant) especially during periods of lightheadedness, heart symptoms, seizure episodes, agoraphobia or severe depression or anxiety.

 

Most of all, the person going through withdrawal needs you to be present in their life and to let them know that you will not give up on them.  Constant reassurance and caring is the only weapon a caregiver has to help fight the lies that the withdrawal of the benzodiazepine feeds to the brain and nervous system of the sufferer. You are integral to your loved one’s eventual success. You can remind them that they will get through this, that you are there for them, and that they are not to blame for the temporary damage the drug has caused.

 

Thank you for this letter!

 

I gave this information to everyone who I thought cared for me been family, friends and even the Doctor who helped me taper and not one of them took any notice and looked at me like ya whatever!

 

When I passed the 1 year my Dad said why are you not recovered and I said why? he then referred to the letter I sent him same as above and I said oh so you did read it then? he said yes but did not believe it, so I said why you bringing it up then and he said cause you believed it so I thought you would then be better by a year but your not!!

 

The hardest thing is I love the ground he walks on but cause he don't get it or believe me I've pulled away from all my family and hardly ever see or speak to them anymore..

 

My fiancée has stuck by me all the way and they used to keep saying that I'm ruining her life and she said if I thought that I'd be gone but she knows the drugs done this to me even though up until this she did not believe in withdrawal herself and she is a medic...

 

Her medical friends think she is bonkers to believe me but she does, so despite all my bad luck with this happening me, I'm lucky she believes me !!!

[Guest [Ma...]]

Vanille,

 

You are entirely welcome!!  It made a difference here... more understanding and of support from the people I showed it to...wishing you complete and perfect healing surrounded by lots of love..   Michelle

 

 

Woofs,

 

I m sorry ...some people I believe are just out and out frightened by it all...don t know what to do for us....I m sorry glad your fiancée has stuck by you! I d say she is a keeper for sure...  

[Guest [Ma...]]

for you from me Woofs...

[[Wo...]]

for you from me Woofs...

 

Thank you and bless you Mary 

 

She is defo a keeper, she was before this but more so now, just need to get better now and make her an honest lady 💃

 

Cheers

 

Woofs