Ready to quit

[[Li...]]

So hey, yeah, come from 6 mgs to .5 in 8 months. Pretty good, huh? I don't care. I can't sleep properly, I am exhausted and extremely anxious most of the time, I am intermittently suicidal, my memory and cognition are shit (how am I supposed to keep working? To keep up in grad school?) It's so horrible to be losing your faculties, I can't really describe it. Probably because my vocabulary has regressed about 20 years? I start to read something and I forget what I started halfway through. Sometimes what the previous sentence was. I see no way out of this. Either I fail everything, ruin my life, or I hold for a bit longer and see if things improve. If they don't, I'm going to have to updose. I was hoping to be off by next spring at the latest, giving me a few months' buffer time until the fall semester, but I don't see how this is possible. Once I got down to 3/4 mg. everything got exponentially harder. Updose here, hold there, small cuts...it doesn't matter. Each is painful, and the symptoms either maintain or get worse.

 

I hate my pdoc, I hate what this has done to me. I have virtually no support system where I live and just want some calm. I've  had depression and anxiety most of my life and nothing has been this difficult, hands down.

[[Ki...]]

I know what you mean. I tapered from 3 mg of Ativan over 10 months time down to .5 and then the feces hit the fan. Ihad to hold at .5 for 2and a,half months. I thought I would have been off by now, but Im looking at 4-6 more months, dropping by 10 percent every 10 days if all goes according to plan which it usually doesnt. I just thought of a good analogy for benzo withdrawal. Its like riding Space Mountain at Disney. A roller coaster in the dark, never knowing what twist, turn, dip or drop is next. Just have to keep strapped in and go for the ride.

[[Ra...]]

I feel your pain and am too in a very dark place right now... we just can't lose hope.  Once hope is lost, we will give in.  I feel hopeless and I come on here and read all the success stories... it gives me the little bit of hope I need.

 

*hugs*

[[dr...]]

Hi Lili,

 

The pain and frustration are all too familiar to me. I understand the catch 22 issue, no matter what you do your screwed.  Like yourself, I have tapered down from 70mg of Valium, having a tough time, but moving on despite the extreme symptoms. When I got down to below 1mg/1ml, the ride became a nightmare. I am stuck at .42 and no matter what I do. I have to do something to move this along, I'll never get off this crap if I don't move on. Personally, I am not inclined to drag this out, but I want to be reasonably safe as well.

 

I get you, trust me. Although 3/4 is a low dose, it is still a fairly substantial amount to cause you great pain if you jump. My suggestion would be to continue to taper, you probably aren't going to feel okay at any point now, its the end and the toughest.

 

I am stuck in the same predicament, so feel free to PM me if you need to. Also, are you titrating or dry cutting?  Keep me posted.

 

DF

[[Li...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your replies. Dragonfly, I'm holding at .5 Klonopin for the next however long. Maybe til the end of the semester, so just before Christmas. I just have too much to do; otherwise I risk failing or having to take a medical leave or something.

 

I am dry-cutting . I never know if I'm getting the right dose, since the medicine isn't evenly dispersed throughout the pill. But as long as I still with the whole tablet .5, at least I know where I am. That's some security. And while I'm really scared to go any lower, I also don't want to drag this out forever. However, I am trying to come to terms with the amount of time this may take, and then what I will do afterwards.

 

Ironically, I had pretty solid sleep last night after I played around with my melatonin. I also was able to keep my cat quiet so, one less thing to wake me up (she usually wakes me up 2-5 times a night). No clue if I can get this to last, but if I can, then just maybe I will taper a bit sooner.

[[Ra...]]

Life is so much better when I get plenty of sleep as well.  Hope it continues!!

[[be...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your replies. Dragonfly, I'm holding at .5 Klonopin for the next however long. Maybe til the end of the semester, so just before Christmas. I just have too much to do; otherwise I risk failing or having to take a medical leave or something.

 

I am dry-cutting . I never know if I'm getting the right dose, since the medicine isn't evenly dispersed throughout the pill. But as long as I still with the whole tablet .5, at least I know where I am. That's some security. And while I'm really scared to go any lower, I also don't want to drag this out forever. However, I am trying to come to terms with the amount of time this may take, and then what I will do afterwards.

 

Ironically, I had pretty solid sleep last night after I played around with my melatonin. I also was able to keep my cat quiet so, one less thing to wake me up (she usually wakes me up 2-5 times a night). No clue if I can get this to last, but if I can, then just maybe I will taper a bit sooner.

 

I toss my cats out of my BR every night. Why suffer from a cat's nocturnal habit of playing at night? Bets

[[Li...]]

Hi Benzogirl,

 

I live in a railroad apartment with a roommate and another cat. There is unfortunately no other  place to put her where she wouldn't make a racket for either myself or my roommate. I have her on a new medication that calms her down at night, however.

 

I am sleeping more/better on this high dose melatonin, but my anxiety and cog-fog are wretched. I am holding at .5, hoping things will improve soon. Schoolwork is starting to get intense.

 

9 months ago I was intermittantly deeply depressed, but had none of these other issues. I still can't believe this is the new "me."

 

[[be...]]

Hi Benzogirl,

 

I live in a railroad apartment with a roommate and another cat. There is unfortunately no other  place to put her where she wouldn't make a racket for either myself or my roommate. I have her on a new medication that calms her down at night, however.

 

I am sleeping more/better on this high dose melatonin, but my anxiety and cog-fog are wretched. I am holding at .5, hoping things will improve soon. Schoolwork is starting to get intense.

 

9 months ago I was intermittantly deeply depressed, but had none of these other issues. I still can't believe this is the new "me."

 

Understood and I feel your pain. I live in a large home which has three floors so one of my cats sleeps with mom on the third floor and the other one tries to sneak in my bedroom on the first floor and he always sleeps on the mantel of my fireplace so I pet him a lot and tell him he can't spend the night with me and let him out of my door. But he stays put in the front of my door beginning at 6 am. No meowing tho. I hate anxiety so much that when I bad a very bad case of it pre benzo days all I wanted to do was kill myself. This is not the "new" you. It is the "benzo you." It will pass. Very tough I realize. I can also relate to the horrific depression, as I had a very bad case of it while I was tapering from Lamictal. I stayed in bed for a month until it was out of my system. I was practically screaming for death. I only got up to go to the bathroom and sometimes  eat a bit. I showered maybe once a week. UGH! Take care of yourself.....Bets...and your cat.