This is terrible

[[Dr...]]

    I don't know what to say. I'm so afraid that this is never going to end. Each day for the past couple of weeks has gotten progressively worse. I have not been on the forum because I feel that all of you are part of this nightmare. Something inside, a few minutes ago, told me that that can not be real because I want to believe that you are all suffering as much as I am. Yes, there are a lot of different symptoms here but it just seems that nobody really wants to talk about this horrible derealization thing.    I really don't want to talk about it either...but it is my main terror. 

    While the tinnitus plays on and is just horrible in its own right the derealization is so damn frightening. I thought I was going to be over the worst part because I am now entering my seventh month. But that is just not so. Especially today.

    Everything that is happening is as though it has happened before. And not just a quick little deja vu. I really don't know if this is real. The things that are happening really seem like they have happened before. Many, many times. Over and over again. And it is constant. I thought I had already been through the worst part of this. It is just not true. This is terrifying! I don't know what is happening. I so scared right now. I don't know what to do.

    To make matters worse, when I have gotten on the forum for a very quick look and gone ahead and typed something into another thread...there is absolutely no response. It is as though I really do not exist. I don't even know why I'm typing this right now. I guess some type of a catharsis or something. I am really afraid here.  :'(  Does this ever stop?   

[[Mr...]]

    I don't know what to say. I'm so afraid that this is never going to end. Each day for the past couple of weeks has gotten progressively worse. I have not been on the forum because I feel that all of you are part of this nightmare. Something inside, a few minutes ago, told me that that can not be real because I want to believe that you are all suffering as much as I am. Yes, there are a lot of different symptoms here but it just seems that nobody really wants to talk about this horrible derealization thing.    I really don't want to talk about it either...but it is my main terror. 

    While the tinnitus plays on and is just horrible in its own right the derealization is so damn frightening. I thought I was going to be over the worst part because I am now entering my seventh month. But that is just not so. Especially today.

    Everything that is happening is as though it has happened before. And not just a quick little deja vu. I really don't know if this is real. The things that are happening really seem like they have happened before. Many, many times. Over and over again. And it is constant. I thought I had already been through the worst part of this. It is just not true. This is terrifying! I don't know what is happening. I so scared right now. I don't know what to do.

    To make matters worse, when I have gotten on the forum for a very quick look and gone ahead and typed something into another thread...there is absolutely no response. It is as though I really do not exist. I don't even know why I'm typing this right now. I guess some type of a catharsis or something. I am really afraid here.  :'(  Does this ever stop? 

 

Dear Dreamovie, you surely exist! I hear you! My Mom is in Her 14th month and DR was/is lifting only for a short time in the afternoon or evening. Almost never in the morning.

I think this is the worst symptom for my Mom and makes Her completely disconnected with the world, especially in the morning. It feels completely crazy to wake up and search every single day for the simple answers of life.

I completely understand how scared you are, me and my Mom are scared and exhausted too. I was checking many times and some people have it lifted earlier, some after 2 years. I am afraid there might be some which recover later...

I am so very sorry you feel like this. Even though I am just a supporter - I get very scared at times. Sometimes it feels like DR shuts Her brain, I am then wondering if this is not the last shutting. But it opens again and  again. This horrible wd stains our life with unimaginable pain, probably not graspable for someone who never had been here.

All I can say - you will be better, everyone here says so, choose to believe it against the DR you feel. Just have to tough it up. Pass the time. DON"T get scared. Let yourself heal and believe that this will pass. It will. I wish I could tell you a better news, I truly hope it will pass for you soon. Sending you a big and real hug, so you stop being scared so much. It will be allright. You ARE there, somewhere inside of your frightened benzobrain. It will pass. Mrubar

 

[Guest [ma...]]

Hi Dream,

 

Sorry for what you are going through. There is an end to this but it's going to take time. How much time that is nobody knows for sure but you won't be this way forever. I had DP/DR very badly as well. It's gone now. You were on benzos for while and you have been off only a few months. I am sure those months feel like years to you b/c our perception of time is distorted until we heal. I think you are experiencing a temporary worsening of the DP/DR and perhaps some organic benzo fear thrown in there as well. The same thing happened to me at different times in my healing. Symptoms do wax and wane but when they come back or get stronger for periods of time it can rattle our very shakey foundation. 

 

It will get better. Try to distract as best you can. Hopefully others will stop by and reply to offer more reassurance.

 

Take good care, mandala 

[[Ka...]]

it is a terrifying thing ... I have experienced waves of it and it sucks. It helps to remember the windows. One is coming for sure!

[[Dr...]]

Thank you all for replying. At least I know I'm not just imagining this place too. I have never been so afraid in my life. I understand what you are saying mandala but in this state I'm in right now I don't see any light. I love you all for talking to me. This wave has been going on for so long now that it is even in my dreams. I have never had so many horrible, frightening dreams in my life. It is like I don't really sleep. The dreams even have to do with derealization. And all of the characters are laughing at me like in a frightening circus or something. Not one part of my existence is real. I thank you all for responding. Even though I am still terrified I can feel that there are people who care and love me still. Thank you. I do hope this stops.

    Another bad thing is that for the first time I have really considered taking the clonazepam again. I just can't take this horrible, frightening, terrifying twilight zone anymore. Oh my God, where is the peace?

    Kaelkiera, in the state I am in right now I don't even know what the heck a window means anymore. I can't remember what it feels like to be "normal".

    Thank you too Mrubar for talking to me. I always hope your mom will get better to. Thank you for sticking with her. I wish I had that kind of support. Love you all.

[[Mr...]]

Thank you all for replying. At least I know I'm not just imagining this place too. I have never been so afraid in my life. I understand what you are saying mandala but in this state I'm in right now I don't see any light. I love you all for talking to me. This wave has been going on for so long now that it is even in my dreams. I have never had so many horrible, frightening dreams in my life. It is like I don't really sleep. The dreams even have to do with derealization. And all of the characters are laughing at me like in a frightening circus or something. Not one part of my existence is real. I thank you all for responding. Even though I am still terrified I can feel that there are people who care and love me still. Thank you. I do hope this stops.

    Another bad thing is that for the first time I have really considered taking the clonazepam again. I just can't take this horrible, frightening, terrifying twilight zone anymore. Oh my God, where is the peace?

    Kaelkiera, in the state I am in right now I don't even know what the heck a window means anymore. I can't remember what it feels like to be "normal".

    Thank you too Mrubar for talking to me. I always hope your mom will get better to. Thank you for sticking with her. I wish I had that kind of support. Love you all.

 

Dear Dream, remember, this is our battle with benzos. Taking one now means that you may end up in the same place , just some time later. Don't ever consider that. It will only waste your time.

Hold on to anything good you believe in, although my Mom sometimes says She doesn't even know what good or bad is anymore - it feels all unreal and crooked and scary.

Try to reasonably make a decision that you will heal and do everything to help this. Maybe you don't think it has any value but , in fact, I believe ONLY this determination is going to make you feel more grounded, regardless of your perception of reality right now. You will know you chose to heal and no matter what you are NOT going to resign from it. You are NOT going to let the fear rule your decision even if you are all trembling inside.

Dreamovie, you are NOT alone. You just try not to be scared. See? Others are going through the same and land finally on a safe ground. We are in a little boats, holding on to shaky masts.  Sometimes our boats are full of fear, trying to drown us. Don't accept fear, shake it off.

I have it too, I am so deadly tired like never before in my life. I am also scared as you are. But I won't surrender to fear. If you decide that - you will endure, it maybe easier. It will pass, see, Mandala was there and she said it is all gone. You will also get there and I hope my Mom will too.

Thank you for your kindness. I will keep you in my daily prayers, I do understand very well what you are going through. Mrubar

[[Ka...]]

Funny (not at all funny) ... I just was in the bathroom helping my 11 year old with her hair and boom panic and derealization ... it starts that the lighting looks off. Something just shifts and the terror sets in. It is terrible Dream ... I totally get that you want to give up  but can you do anything to connect to "now"

 

I just did some EFT tapping and grounding where I made an effort to "feel" the ground, take off your shoes and feel the ground and when I am bad I recite my name and my age and address! I am serious!!!!!! ... I get THAT afraid that I am losing it. And engage ... talk ... talk here, txt someone, talk on the phone, think OUT and not in. And the whole while breathe deeeeeeeeep in our nose and out your mouth. During all of this I number my fear ... see it wax and wane ... go from a 12 to a 7 to a 9 ... whatever ... but see that it moves. It is not always a 12 (out of 10 lol)

 

What keeps me ... is my kids ... I look and touch them (family members, or pets help too) and CONNECT to them ... as hard as you can. feel and note the warmth, skin, hair, FUR lol. just connect something in the here and now.

 

WIth love ...

[[pr...]]

dream,

 

i know it's the absolute hardest thing to do but try to pray to have some acceptance of the DR symptom in particular. i really think when we react to it, things can seem worse. believe me, i know it's so hard to accept. i am still having a hard time accepting that my brain still needs to do it's squeezing with the vibration. i can't believe how long i've been suffering with this symptom. scares me to pieces that it will be this way forever.

 

the words i hold in my heart that i had read on a post a long time ago were "this symptom is finally gone after thinking it would be here forever" i think this person had a particular symptom for over 2 years and she never ever thought it would go away and then one day it did. so i hold those words close to me all the time and i also sometimes say to my brain "well, if this is what you still need to do in order to heal, i am here with you and will continue on feeling this unconditionally"

 

very hard place to get to but sometimes i can. i promise you that this symptom will one day lift. sometimes i wish i could know that promise myself.

 

and then sometimes i say to myself "is this is still what is required, then i will be with this unconditionally" again, very tough to do but i do try my best.

[[pr...]]

oh and by the way, Dream, wanted to also tell you that during the first 7 months, the derealization and paranoia were so high that i called the Police 3 times on my mother because i thought for sure that she was tormenting me on purposes. now it just kinda annoys me and i can almost laugh it off. major difference.

[[Dr...]]

Thank you again Mrubar, mandala, and Kaelkiera. And thank you pretty for you always thoughtful insights. Today I'm just shaking my head in disbelief that trying to get away from a pill can be so exhausting and frightening. The main has subsided a bit. Finally. I think I will try to distract what is left with a light movie or something. This withdrawal sure does waste a lot of time doesn't it?

[[Ka...]]

distraction is the key ... glad you are feeling any relief at all! We will take what we can get.

[[...]]

Unfortunately we're all real and we're all in the same boat together. Sad, but true there are hundreds and thousands of us. We are all going through terrible horrific withdrawals. Do not take another pill. Would you drink bleach? The pill is just as deadly. Please discard them so you don't have any more temptation to go back on them. You are stronger than you know!

[[Wo...]]

    I don't know what to say. I'm so afraid that this is never going to end. Each day for the past couple of weeks has gotten progressively worse. I have not been on the forum because I feel that all of you are part of this nightmare. Something inside, a few minutes ago, told me that that can not be real because I want to believe that you are all suffering as much as I am. Yes, there are a lot of different symptoms here but it just seems that nobody really wants to talk about this horrible derealization thing.    I really don't want to talk about it either...but it is my main terror. 

    While the tinnitus plays on and is just horrible in its own right the derealization is so damn frightening. I thought I was going to be over the worst part because I am now entering my seventh month. But that is just not so. Especially today.

    Everything that is happening is as though it has happened before. And not just a quick little deja vu. I really don't know if this is real. The things that are happening really seem like they have happened before. Many, many times. Over and over again. And it is constant. I thought I had already been through the worst part of this. It is just not true. This is terrifying! I don't know what is happening. I so scared right now. I don't know what to do.

    To make matters worse, when I have gotten on the forum for a very quick look and gone ahead and typed something into another thread...there is absolutely no response. It is as though I really do not exist. I don't even know why I'm typing this right now. I guess some type of a catharsis or something. I am really afraid here.  :'(  Does this ever stop? 

 

Dear Dreamovie, you surely exist! I hear you! My Mom is in Her 14th month and DR was/is lifting only for a short time in the afternoon or evening. Almost never in the morning.

I think this is the worst symptom for my Mom and makes Her completely disconnected with the world, especially in the morning. It feels completely crazy to wake up and search every single day for the simple answers of life.

I completely understand how scared you are, me and my Mom are scared and exhausted too. I was checking many times and some people have it lifted earlier, some after 2 years. I am afraid there might be some which recover later...

I am so very sorry you feel like this. Even though I am just a supporter - I get very scared at times. Sometimes it feels like DR shuts Her brain, I am then wondering if this is not the last shutting. But it opens again and  again. This horrible wd stains our life with unimaginable pain, probably not graspable for someone who never had been here.

All I can say - you will be better, everyone here says so, choose to believe it against the DR you feel. Just have to tough it up. Pass the time. DON"T get scared. Let yourself heal and believe that this will pass. It will. I wish I could tell you a better news, I truly hope it will pass for you soon. Sending you a big and real hug, so you stop being scared so much. It will be allright. You ARE there, somewhere inside of your frightened benzobrain. It will pass. Mrubar

 

I'm blown away that you support and believe your Mum, it's simple amazing that after all this time you still believe and get how painful and terrfying it is to live in DR DP for so long, no one believes me not alone gets it, my fiancée is supportive and has stood by me but she don't get the DP DR as to her I still look and sound the same, and because I can talk, walk, answer, shower, eat, find my eat to the shop and back somehow then to everyone looking at me there is nothing wrong, the ones that judge me when I say honestly I never truly know where I am or where I am think I'm pots as to them looking in I'm still look and act the same person, no one ever seems to notice how lost and vacant I feel and all my family and friends think I'm just depressed or had a break down, even though before benzos I was nothing like I am now and the only thing that changed in between was my very short time on these pills, but people always seem afraid of things they don't understand so instead of believing you they choose to believe your just depressed, who would not be depressed or in despair living everyday like you don't exist and spending every moment wondering who you really are, I have hazy memories of who I was and get flashbacks to things I've done or places I've been but it's like it never happened and everything I see and do is made up, even photos make me feel weird as when I see pictures of what is supposed to be me I feel looking at me that I for some reason regonize the person in the photo but it feels like there dead, it's been like when you go to a relatives house after they have died, you can still see and feel their presense but there no longer with us in this world, I grieve everyday for myself as I feel dead and I'm convinced I have died and I'm stuck in purgatory..

 

So to read and hear you believe your Mum blows me away..

 

Bless you so much, you made my day👍

 

Woofs

[[Wo...]]

Thank you all for replying. At least I know I'm not just imagining this place too. I have never been so afraid in my life. I understand what you are saying mandala but in this state I'm in right now I don't see any light. I love you all for talking to me. This wave has been going on for so long now that it is even in my dreams. I have never had so many horrible, frightening dreams in my life. It is like I don't really sleep. The dreams even have to do with derealization. And all of the characters are laughing at me like in a frightening circus or something. Not one part of my existence is real. I thank you all for responding. Even though I am still terrified I can feel that there are people who care and love me still. Thank you. I do hope this stops.

    Another bad thing is that for the first time I have really considered taking the clonazepam again. I just can't take this horrible, frightening, terrifying twilight zone anymore. Oh my God, where is the peace?

    Kaelkiera, in the state I am in right now I don't even know what the heck a window means anymore. I can't remember what it feels like to be "normal".

    Thank you too Mrubar for talking to me. I always hope your mom will get better to. Thank you for sticking with her. I wish I had that kind of support. Love you all.

 

Hi DM

 

I feel every word you say and no every description you write, as back at your time I was writing all the same questions regarding DP DR as I was terrfyied about been stuck like this forever..

 

I am still in severe DP DR now but I still have to believe it wil go away, I cant unfortunatlet tell you will go away as I'm still in it but your SOS call touched me and if there is anything I can do to help you through this you only have to ask as I know too well and too long the hell your living in..

 

My thread copied below describes to a tee my DP DR , read my posts as then it might help you see I'm exactly like you and I relate to all you say, feel free to post your concerns on my thread as then everyone else on the thread can send you support and hope also, especially East as she went through severe DP DR and survived it and she has been helping me cope with it no end..

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=107291.0

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

[[Dr...]]

Yes, I know distraction is the key. As I run through my pile of movies it becomes harder and harder to choose something that I think will distract comfortably. I don't want to see anything that will frighten me. I do enough of that by just sitting and looking at the wall. I can't go outside because I hate outside now. And for more reasons than just the withdrawal DR/DP.

But you are definitely right about the distraction Kaelkiera.

 

Ki3, it sure is big boat isn't it? No I would not drink bleach. I did throw the pills away a couple of months off. But I was so terrified three days ago that I was considering asking my new doctor for a refill. As it turns out this medical office will no prescribe any of these drugs. They have a sign on the wall stating this fact. Finally! A good and caring doctor. How refreshing to know she would not give me this pill no matter what I said. Thank you ki3.

 

Woofs, thank you so much for you answers. I am going to check out your thread. Thank you for the map. Hope to see you there.

 

Today is a little better. So I guess that pretty much ends "this is terrible". Thank you to all of you who responded and helped me through a horrible few days this time around. Love to all. 

[[La...]]

Dreamovie:

 

I hope by now you are feeling somewhat better and the fear has loosened its grip on you a bit. Like you, I wonder "will this nightmare ever end?" I am in my 9th month off benzos after tapering and just when I start to get confident in a nice big window, I get hit by a bad wave that sends me into panic and terror. Months 5 & 6 for me were great. Months 7 & 8 have not been good at all. YES, you are real!  We do understand, empathise, and sympathize with your suffering. We are in this boat with you. Please do not take another benzo dose, it will only hurt your healing trajectory, but you probably already know that.

 

To reiterate what others have said, acceptance really does help to quell the panic terror and fear. It doesnt get rid of it, but it will stop our mind from exacerbating the initial fearful thought into something bigger than it needs to be. I've had severe DP/DR, though not recently. Try not to be frighhtened by it, it can't hurt you.

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy has really helped me to limit escalation of panic. Its not a magic bullet and does take practice, but it is a helluva lot safer than any of these anti-anxiety meds drs are peddling.

 

 

Please take care and let us know how you are doing. 

 

Laser

[[Dr...]]

OK. I am not going to EVER take that pill again. There is no way I want to go through this again. Laserjet...you talk about the exacerbating of panic and fear and making things worse.  At the beginning of this last wave, which lasted forever, I remember that I actually laughed about it for the first few days. Then it became all too much and the last couple of days was just fear and panic to use your words. It just seems like when that takes over there is nothing that will quell the horror. Once reality is completely gone there is not one part of my brain that even comprehends or recalls "reality". Right now everything is just fine. And the opposite is occurring. I don't really remember what the fear was all about. Very interesting juxtaposition going on.

I want to thank all of you once again for being with me for that last wave. You were my grounding. 

[[Ka...]]

Yay window! so happy for you

[[Dr...]]

Me too Kael,    Thank you again for all your help and kind words. 

[[Co...]]

DR sucks big time. I have had deja vu forever now and I can't stand it. Feels like I'm in a movie or everything is fake. Really weird. I got stoned once and felt this way. I never got stoned again!

[[Dr...]]

Hey Cool, you are the first one here, besides me, to mention the "deja vu" feel... along with the movies, or dreams or cartoons etc.

However, I got stoned waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than once and I can tell you that it never felt like this. This is terrifying. Stoned was beautiful.