Feeling unbelievably scared...

[[mo...]]

There, I said it.  I am losing hope by the day even though I know it could be so much worse!  I am fighting the urge to take a Xanax or an extra dose of clonazepam, but if things don't improve, I don't know how long I can keep going like this.

 

I feel like only the people on here truly know how messed up benzos can make you feel.  I feel like I have a million questions I want to ask, but I'll try to keep this concise.

 

Quick recap: (some is in signature)  Mid-February 2014 - Put on 0.5 mg Ativan 1-3 times daily (as needed) for 1.5 weeks due to suspected anxiety.  Had a complicated migraine event.  Stopped Ativan cold turkey for MRI.  Was told complicated migraine seemed to explain symptoms (mostly GI symptoms), so didn't reinstate Ativan use.  Had panic attacks for first time 2 days after Ativan was stopped.  Feared it was with the migraine, didn't even consider it was benzo withdrawal at that point.  Was given Xanax.  Took 0.5 mg up to 3 times daily for 1-1/2 months.  Seemed to be having inter-dose withdrawal symptoms.  Switched to Clonazepam in mid-April.  Was down to 0.5 mg twice daily.  Started taper again in June, have weaned myself down to 0.063 mg twice daily (0.125 mg daily dose) of Clonazepam.

 

My p-doc thinks that at this low of a dose, it is not doing anything for my anxiety/panic attacks.  That's good, because the full blown panic attacks haven't come back....but I feel like crap at least once if not several times every single day, with various, revolving symptoms.  I previously was completely healthy (aside from a regular migraine about once every month or two). 

 

I have been holding on this dose for the past month.  Throughout this taper, I have had soooo many bizarre symptoms - brain fog, burning tongue/mouth, left hand tingles, muscle fasciculation, body tremors when falling asleep, mouth feels tight and heavy, head feels heavy, dizzy/vertigo, light sensitivity, mood swings, hopelessness/depression (and before this I was a glass half full type of person) etc...

 

Questions:

 

1.  I've been on some form of benzo for about 7 months now.  I now know NOT to cold turkey.  But how low do I need to taper before I jump?  Of course I don't want protracted withdrawal symptoms, but I feel like I am dragging this out and even when on a constant dose, I feel like I'm getting yucky withdrawal-type symptoms.  Does that mean I've hit tolerance?  Do I have to go back up before going down further?  I really DON'T want to do that.  I never wanted to be on these THIS long.  But, I'm trying to be smart too.  The most I'd ever taken of any benzo was 1.5 mg a day.  I haven't been above 0.25 mg a daily in probably the past 3 months. 

 

2.  Has anyone gone on another form of medication after being off benzos that has kept their anxiety in check?  My p-doc wants to put me on a pediatric dose of an SSRI if I'm still having physical or panic symptoms after jumping off the clonazepam.  If this indeed is all/only anxiety and benzo related, then I seem to have a lot of physical side effects with this stuff.  I really don't like SSRI's for their sexual side effects among other things.

 

3.  Does anyone else suffer from migraines as well as anxiety?  Does treating the migraines help with anxiety?  I've never taken more than ibuprofren for my migraines, but heard there is possibly a link between the two.

 

4.  Do we really heal?  I'm scared that I'll come off of this and still be in bad shape...that it'll turn out to be my body/brain's issue and not the benzos.  I have a wife and 3 year old daughter to take care of.  I don't want to deteriorate mentally right before their eyes...

 

It's difficult for me because I spent the first 35 years of my life feeling relatively healthy to a complete train wreck in the blink of an eye (I'm 36 now).

 

Any suggestions/feedback would be greatly appreciated!

 

Moto Joe

 

 

[[Je...]]

I for one believe you when you say how scared you are.  I only wish I was on as low a dose as you are.

 

An SSRI, in my experience, can lower anxiety by making everything feel warm and fuzzy.  Individual results may vary.

 

 

 

You are young, intelligent sounding and articulate.  I'm betting on healing. 

[[mo...]]

Thanks, Jerry,

 

The repetitive phrases I keep finding in my research are "after like long-term benzo use" "don't cold-turkey", etc...

 

It's such a wide range of situations though.  7 months is obviously longer than 2 weeks, but considerably less than 10+ years.  1.5 mg daily is more than .5 mg daily, yet less than 2-4 mg daily. 

 

Am I torturing myself by dragging this out and continuing to take this or will jumping cause long-term issues instead?

 

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a diving board, looking down at the pool, scared to jump off of it, asking for it to be lowered more and more, but the whole time living in fear of when I finally do jump....will I gracefully slice into cool inviting water below or damage my whole body with a painful belly-flop?!

 

Are there any success stories from anyone who was on a similar dose of clonazepam for a similar time? 

 

Thanks again!  All responses are greatly welcomed!  I really want to discuss this and have no one else who first-hand understand how messed up this all feels!

 

Moto Joe

[[Je...]]

One word of advice I can give you.  Don't spend a lot of time reading the horror stories on this site. 

Don't let it swallow you up.  7 months isn't a long time.  Yes the symptoms suck and they are very real.  Don't assume the worse case scenario......

 

 

I've been on Xanax for 10 years......  managed to wean from 3 mg down to 1.6..

It's tough.

[[pa...]]

I can definitely relate to you.  I've been taking Klonopin since January, have been tapering since the beginning of summer & also made 0.125mg cuts.  Though doesn't necessarily *sound* like a large dose, I still wouldn't be comfortable jumping at 0.25.  Some may suggest you try to lengthen the time in between cuts to 14 days, rather than 10.  Some are able to jump at 0.125 mg with no issues.  Though, since you're having a difficult time already, you might consider taking it down to 0.0625mg/day.  If you did that, you'd be done in 6 weeks, which is very short.  It all depends on how you feel, of course.  That's what I did, I stuck it out through the sxs & I'm already beginning to feel much better.  I honestly wouldn't be able to deal with a very long taper but that's just me.  Now I'm close to 14 days in at 0.0625mg/day, which really isn't doing anything, to be honest.  My anxiety is near the same level it was prior to taking Klonopin & the majority of my other sxs have subsided.  Still don't feel 100%, though I'm sure I'll get there in time! 

 

 

 

[[co...]]

Questions:

 

1.  I've been on some form of benzo for about 7 months now.  I now know NOT to cold turkey.  But how low do I need to taper before I jump?  Of course I don't want protracted withdrawal symptoms, but I feel like I am dragging this out and even when on a constant dose, I feel like I'm getting yucky withdrawal-type symptoms.  Does that mean I've hit tolerance?  Do I have to go back up before going down further?  I really DON'T want to do that.  I never wanted to be on these THIS long.  But, I'm trying to be smart too.  The most I'd ever taken of any benzo was 1.5 mg a day.  I haven't been above 0.25 mg a daily in probably the past 3 months. 

 

2.  Has anyone gone on another form of medication after being off benzos that has kept their anxiety in check?  My p-doc wants to put me on a pediatric dose of an SSRI if I'm still having physical or panic symptoms after jumping off the clonazepam.  If this indeed is all/only anxiety and benzo related, then I seem to have a lot of physical side effects with this stuff.  I really don't like SSRI's for their sexual side effects among other things.

 

3.  Does anyone else suffer from migraines as well as anxiety?  Does treating the migraines help with anxiety?  I've never taken more than ibuprofren for my migraines, but heard there is possibly a link between the two.

 

4.  Do we really heal?  I'm scared that I'll come off of this and still be in bad shape...that it'll turn out to be my body/brain's issue and not the benzos.  I have a wife and 3 year old daughter to take care of.  I don't want to deteriorate mentally right before their eyes...

 

I am not an expert or a doctor but I'll try to give some advice from my own experience. I truly believe you're going to be okay. The body does some wacky things sometimes, but it has the great ability to heal.

 

1. I think this varies depending on the individual. I personally would go as low as possible until you feel you've stablized then jump. It seems like rushing tapers "just to get it over with" have a tendency to back-fire.

 

2. I've tried Trazodone and the SSRI, Lexapro (which I had a very bad adverse reaction). This was my own personal experience though. Some people have luck with antidepressants. I'm definitely not one of them.

 

3. I'm sorry I can't answer this one. I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder for most of my life, but no migraines.

 

4. This is the big question and one I ask myself everyday. "I'm scared that I'll come off of this and still be in bad shape...that it'll turn out to be my body/brain's issue and not the benzos." This statement strongly relates to my situation as well. The truth is I don't know if I'll get off of the benzos and be fully healed and feel healthy again because I felt absolutely awful before even going on them. What I do know is benzos are a double-edged sword. Are they effective at first? Sure. Are they effective in the long run? I don't think so. I think staying on them would make things 100x worse in the long run. I told myself that if I'm going to be sick, it won't be "benzo sick."

 

You're going to be okay. Time will help. 

[[th...]]

 

4. This is the big question and one I ask myself everyday. "I'm scared that I'll come off of this and still be in bad shape...that it'll turn out to be my body/brain's issue and not the benzos." This statement strongly relates to my situation as well. The truth is I don't know if I'll get off of the benzos and be fully healed and feel healthy again because I felt absolutely awful before even going on them. What I do know is benzos are a double-edged sword. Are they effective at first? Sure. Are they effective in the long run? I don't think so. I think staying on them would make things 100x worse in the long run. I told myself that if I'm going to be sick, it won't be "

 

Feel the same. I may still be sick but I won't be on a benzo anymore!!!

 

Grinch

[[ea...]]

I honestly believe we all heal. How long it will take, what symptoms one will have - those are quite variable. The evidence is strong that going cold turkey may predispose one to have a longer, rougher withdrawal. And then theres kindling, just to confuse things even more. But I feel that everyone does heal in time. I know I have, even though I still have some symptoms, I am a whole lot better. I am holding onto the  idea that in even MORE time, I will be completely healed.

Taking other drugs is a personal decision. I choose not to. I feel that I poured enough chemicals into my body over 30 years that its much safer not to pour any more in.

Whatever you decide, I hope it goes smoothly, and you don't have a lot of symptoms.

east

[[be...]]

I can definitely relate to you.  I've been taking Klonopin since January, have been tapering since the beginning of summer & also made 0.125mg cuts.  Though doesn't necessarily *sound* like a large dose, I still wouldn't be comfortable jumping at 0.25.  Some may suggest you try to lengthen the time in between cuts to 14 days, rather than 10.  Some are able to jump at 0.125 mg with no issues.  Though, since you're having a difficult time already, you might consider taking it down to 0.0625mg/day.  If you did that, you'd be done in 6 weeks, which is very short.  It all depends on how you feel, of course.  That's what I did, I stuck it out through the sxs & I'm already beginning to feel much better.  I honestly wouldn't be able to deal with a very long taper but that's just me.  Now I'm close to 14 days in at 0.0625mg/day, which really isn't doing anything, to be honest.  My anxiety is near the same level it was prior to taking Klonopin & the majority of my other sxs have subsided.  Still don't feel 100%, though I'm sure I'll get there in time! 

 

pink:

 

I noticed that you are at .0625 mg right now, and have been for the last two weeks. What mg to you plan to jump? I was planning on jumping at .0625 mg but now I'm not so sure......I just want off it already. I have pre diagnosed GAD and am terribly afraid it will come back, and even be worse than before. ~~ Bets 

 

[[pa...]]

Hey Bets!

 

I have one more day @ 0.0625.  Still have a single 0.5 pill left, was thinking about taking it down to 0.0325 for a few days or so to see how I feel before I make the big jump!  My GAD has been worse further into my taper, unfortunately.  But it's getting better with each & every day that goes by, so that's comforting!  I was able to go out to eat at a very crowded restaurant last night with minimal issues, which would usually drive me into a full blown panic attack!  I had panic attacks even going into the gas station for a few minutes!  It's near my "normal" levels I guess you could say.  I'd say you should begin to research ways to help your GAD after you're off the benzo.  I guess we're lucky in the sense that we know what symptoms to expect from anxiety & what our triggers are I noticed a lot of people who hadn't even had a panic attack prior to starting benzos!  I understand why it's so awful for them, I was absolutely terrified when I had my first panic attack in high school!

[[mo...]]

Wow, thanks guys for all the responses!  I feel comforted by some of your answers.

 

Pre-Benzos, I was noticing some anxiety symptoms, but never had an actual panic attack until I was cold-turkeyed from Ativan (only on for 1-1/2 weeks, but it was apparently long enough).  I think I worried more and more about there being something physically wrong with me.  I've had a lot of testing thanks to the complicated migraine incident. 

 

Anyway, earlier in my taper I had burning tongue and burning mouth.  But now, I haven't had that symptom since being on the higher dose.  So, I definitely see progress.  I still get sweaty palms and start to feel a bit nervous, which usually is the start of a panic attack, but have not had a full-blown one for months also.  Meaning, I used to go up to my boss at work saying "I don't know what to do!  I don't know what's wrong with me!"  That just was never like me.

 

For those who don't know, I have watched my 3 year old daughter have several apparent life-threatening events in her life, due to reflux/aspiration.  She would start to cough, start turning blue, go limp/unconscious, and then vomit up her stomach contents.  Very scary to witness.  My wife and I had to use a suction machine to get the food particles that were coming up, just to make sure it didn't get lodged in her throat and cause choking.  The last event was in January, just a few weeks before I started having symptoms.  I think that may have made underlying anxiety finally bubble over (post-traumatic stress?).  She is getting bigger and handling things better.  She's a great, sweet, smart, beautiful, wonderful little girl!

 

panicinpink, thank you.  It sounds like we have very similar situations.  I too was diagnosed with GAD, though recently.  You had your first panic attack in high school?  You poor thing!  I now have MUCH deeper empathy for anyone with panic or phobias.  I used to think with hyperventilation and such, if the person just calmed themselves down, take deep breaths, etc...they can bring themselves down.  That may be true to some degree, but I never truly realized that a panic attack is actually the BODY/MIND causing you to be in a full-blown state of fight or flight.  It's all so messed up!  I hope things continue to improve for you and you are able to come off your taper smoothly and find your baseline anxiety is better!

 

I really think/hope/pray my panic attacks may not come back...I'm really hoping anyway.  But, I don't want to feel sick, have muscle fasciculation, tremor when going to sleep, etc...for the rest of my life either.  Hopefully, it's more the benzos than my body and that my mind will readjust and they will subside.  I could see going down to 0.0313 x 2 = .063 daily and jumping from there.  Really though, I'd only have two more cuts to make....if I cut 0.0313 twice.  I'm just trying to be smart.  But, I feel like I'm getting symptoms each day regardless if I am tapering at this point or holding.  Now, I don't have them ALL day....I'm usually good in the morning and at night.  It's mostly late morning into afternoon that is the worst for me.  Yesterday I felt really dizzy at times.  Today I don't feel dizzy at all...but my mouth/jaw still feels tight.

 

courtney550,

 

Thanks for the encouragement!  I think overall I am better than I was at the beginning of this....but I'm new to the world of anxiety and panic attacks...I don't know if my baseline anxiety is now going to be higher than it's been the majority of my life.  I can get excited about things, but generally I am (was) pretty laid back.

 

Thanks, East Coast! 

 

Bets,

 

For what it's worth...my p-doc says that at these levels, the medication isn't doing much of anything for our actual anxiety.  I hope this is true...

 

Thanks again, everyone!  This feedback is VERY reassuring!!

 

 

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Hey Bets!

 

I have one more day @ 0.0625.  Still have a single 0.5 pill left, was thinking about taking it down to 0.0325 for a few days or so to see how I feel before I make the big jump!  My GAD has been worse further into my taper, unfortunately.  But it's getting better with each & every day that goes by, so that's comforting!  I was able to go out to eat at a very crowded restaurant last night with minimal issues, which would usually drive me into a full blown panic attack!  I had panic attacks even going into the gas station for a few minutes!  It's near my "normal" levels I guess you could say.  I'd say you should begin to research ways to help your GAD after you're off the benzo.  I guess we're lucky in the sense that we know what symptoms to expect from anxiety & what our triggers are I noticed a lot of people who hadn't even had a panic attack prior to starting benzos!  I understand why it's so awful for them, I was absolutely terrified when I had my first panic attack in high school!

 

Hi Pink!

 

That sounds like a good plan to me. Maybe I'll do the same. I have.125 mg in wafers that I can cut. Much easier than a tab when you get down so low. My problem with GAD is that it was so severe that I had a melt down (AKA nervous breakdown) and had to go on disability. 23 hour observation in a psych ward. Ugh on that! But while I was in the psych ward, they gave me 3 mg of Xanax. No problem after that. Duh! It was too bad to even put it into words. However, I think it was partial situational b/c of the constant stress of being a reporter. Deadline after deadline after deadline. I am thinking of switching careers and becoming a mailman. I love dogs. ~~ Bets