Working through withdrawal

[[Li...]]

I’m eleven months along and probably about 80% recovered, and it occurred to me that I do have much to celebrate—For one, I’ve remained employed throughout this process (knock on wood). I hold a VP title at an ad agency on the West coast. Fortunately, my symptoms were relatively manageable—incessant hissing in the head (still hanging on), banding headaches (improving), twitching in the eyes (gone), creepy/crawling skin (early on), hot episodes, especially at night (99% gone), adrenaline rushes from the feet up, consistent sense of anxiety, all post cessation—the latter two symptoms still omnipresent although to a lesser degree. For me, the greatest obstacles stem from my diminished cognitive abilities and emotional bounciness, symptoms I still deal with on a daily basis, though overall, happy to report, steadily improving.

 

Someone asked me the other day how I’ve made it this far. Truth is, I hadn’t really thought about it that way. All my energy has been centered on the day-to-day, management of symptoms and trying to achieve some level of work/life/sanity balance while recovering. My motivation has been my family. Early on, I decided I must give it a go and that the worst thing that could happen is that I’d tap out or get fired. Acceptance, along with hope and retaining the vision that one day I’ll be back to my old self once again have fueled my will.

 

I revealed to my employer within the first week following my virtual CT that I had run into a problem upon stopping a medication that my Doctor had prescribed me for sleep. (I understand we may not all have this luxury.) I was able to work from home part time for the first couple weeks to kind of wrap my head around the situation and devise a ‘survival’ plan. Of course at the time I naively thought this would be something that would pass within a few months.

 

Initially it was an hour-by-hour process, literally biding my time until I could make it to my noon walk. Soon, I realized I could survive a day then made it my mission to take it week-by-week. After the first month passed I figured I’d have a shot to squeak through to month three. To this day, though fairly confident I’ll make it the rest of the way, I still have moments of doubt. To highlight some of my ‘lesser moments’ and there are many, thought I’d share the following: was just recently reminded by a client that I had introduced myself twice in the span of thirty seconds; caught myself many times in conversations where I literally just couldn’t follow along; emails that take forever to write and the still don’t make any sense (believe me, I’ve edited the crap out of this posting); copious forgetfulness… scenarios all of which I’ve learned to roll with. Coming down on myself too hard is an invitation for assured frustration and additional stress. I’ve learned that most people are oblivious to these shortcomings anyway. Easily forgiven as long as I played them off as oversights, or “let me get back to you on that one” sort of responses.

 

My nightly ritual of meditation and making time for exercise has been instrumental throughout my recovery process. I know on those really difficult days, when I finally make it home, I’ll at least have a chance to slow down the world for a period of time, to clear my head of life’s extraneous stressors and give my nervous system space to ‘malfunction’ on its own—to step out of the way and just watch it run amuck.

 

And, if you’re contemplating going back to work or chugging along day-to-day, take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve gone, that you can make it through the rest of the way, and that one day soon we’ll close out this final chapter and get on with living our full potential.

 

[[Ch...]]

Powerful post, Liv4life.  You're still operating at a very high level of competence and clarity if I may judge that by your writing.  At only ten months out or so, you can expect to continue to see cognitive improvements for quite some time.  This is a long process.  At two and a half years out, I'm still seeing progress in my own cognition.

[[ke...]]

Nice post!  I also worked while going through my taper and withdrawal.  I don't think anyone was aware of the torment I was going through.  Luckily, I have a stoic nature and don't wear my emotions on my shoulder. 

 

Due to the nature of my job, we often have to excuse ourselves from meetings and conversations due to sensitive data and urgent matters.  So, an abrupt exit is common.  A couple of those times, the "urgency" was more personal than work-related.  So, I had somewhat of a "cover" when I needed to take a walk, splash water on my face, or just get outside.  And, like you, it started hourly and transitioned to day-to-day, and then just stopped.  I remember waking up one morning and the crushing anxiety and depression was just gone.  Gone! 

 

FYI:  I think I still have some physical symptoms, but I can handle those.

[Guest [Ma...]]

This is a fantastic post! Thank you for sharing! This is about as much as I can write this morning and I probably will have to edit it!

[Guest [Lu...]]

Amazing post. Thank you for sharing.

[[Li...]]

Thanks for the supportive words. The texture of this affliction as shifted for me as well, over the course of the last several months, at work and in general. The first few months were really about survival mode. Dealing with an overwhelming sense that my head was compressed and my thinking greatly stunted, among other things. For the first few months this kind of made sense and in a way was easier to deal with because it was so close to the event that robbed me of my faculties. Now, though I function at a higher level cognitively, it’s challenging because time has placed this into the realm of implausibility—you can’t help but wonder whether this will continue to haunt [me] for evermore. The head plays funny tricks on you when you are in the soup.

 

My employer has long forgotten, but my wife forgets too. When I’m blasting past exits, or asking her for the third time what we’re doing this weekend and she get’s agitated, (despite my own frustration getting called out) I have to remind her that I’m not there yet. And when I do get there, she’ll be at the top of the invite list when I throw that bit party.