11 months and looking for encouragement

[[Li...]]

I’m 47, married, the sol breadwinner of the family, with three kids ages 10, 12 and 14. Fortunately, I have been able to retain my current job at an ad agency, though it has been extremely difficult at times.

 

I'm nearing twelve months and feeling discouraged. The constant yet subtle anxiety during the day hangs with me throughout the PM hours, resulting in minimal sleep. I have difficulty focusing and have ongoing short-term memory issues, all of which contribute to a general sense of not feeling well. My head feels enclosed, enveloped in a hissing sensation, louder at times than others. In some ways, these symptoms have amplified over the course of the past couple of months. A few months prior to this recent ‘ramping up’ period I was getting somewhere between 6-7 hours of sleep per night, now I’m looking at 4-6 hours of interrupted sleep.

 

Been doing a lot of things consistently well aside form the abrupt ‘uniformed’ cessation off Alprazolam at .25mg back in November  ’13. Preceded by a period beginning 6 months prior in which I was feeling progressively worse due to reaching tolerance. Fortunately I did go through a Mindfulness (MBSR) program just prior to quitting, so I’ve been relying heavily on meditation most days to stay grounded. I eat relatively well, use supplements with Naturopath Doctor oversight, receive counseling on a monthly basis, exercise rigorously, drink lots of water, consume no alcohol, and only recently have begun drinking a ½ cup coffee in the AM. I had hoped that all this hard work would be paying dividends by now (maybe it has) but nevertheless seems that this process keeps dragging on with little to show.

 

Those that have successfully made their way through this process, I’d welcome words of encouragement as I continue this journey. Nobody in my ‘real world’ community has been able to explain what I’m up against, let alone can really relate to what I’ve been going through. Is there light at the tunnel for this? What are some reasonable expectations at this point or is the key to really have none?

 

[[be...]]

I'm also at 11 months off after 4 years of x at similar dosages to yours. While most sxs subsided the cognitive difficulties persist and almost feel worth than a couple of months ago. I have a childhood friend who went through WD after 4 years of high doses 100mg+ of diazepam and he says it took 12 months to start feeling relatively normal, and cog improved within 15-18 months. I'm 40 and out of work for quite some time now. I think you're doing all the right steps and will heal fully within next few months. We have to hope, nothing else...

[[je...]]

Iam a year out and have many of your sx too. It is very frustrating. I've been reading that healing really takes off between 14-18 months out, we are almost there!

[[St...]]

I hear you Liv4life!

 

I'm turning 47, have 3 kids, and am the solo bread winner for the family.  Your s/x sound almost identical to mine.

 

Took a new job over the past year while in w/d and have been struggling to make it.

 

After 12 months, things have turned for the better.  I'm sleeping better and feeling better cog-wise.  Still not back yet with sleep or cog, but much, much better and improving.  It really did change overnight for me at about 12 months.  The anxiety has also greatly reduced at the same time.

 

The timing may vary, but I'm sure it will come for you also.

 

 

[[Li...]]

uhg, I hear ya. Thanks for the note. I joke, we should form a club -- but we have! and there's thousands of us in it!! Crazy

 

I thought I was tough going into this. Fare to say I do have a 'robust' disposition, but man this is a whole new level. Initially, I was crawling from hour to hour to just survive til noon. Weeks past then my goal was simply to reach the end of the day. Soon I graduated into a week by week rhythm. Now, fare to say, things ARE relatively manageable at the office.

 

What a ride. I celebrate the day we come out the other side.

 

My best to you and your family.

 

 

[[be...]]

Liv4Life, you've maintained your job through the entire withdrawal process?? Talk to me! I go back to work on Monday and am TERRIFIED. How did you manage to keep up appearances? I'm assuming in an ad agency you can't just tell everyone what you're going through? I certainly can't. Did you just go through the motions of your day and hope for the best? Advice is appreciated!

[[Li...]]

After I powered through my first week off of Benzos with virtually no sleep and new found inability to focus, crazy impending panic, etc. it became clear to me that this was unsustainable. Yet, I had to work at all cost (if possible). I was getting no sleep and my head was closing in on me. In desperation (I don't know if this is a good thing to do or not) my Doc prescribed me Trazadone for sleep. It worked for a while (maybe), but you can imagine didn't help with the brain fog. Messed with my mood a bit too. I took it only for a few months. I don't think I'd recommend it if you can avoid it.

 

I hold a an executive position at a medium sized ad agency -- enough stress for anyone on a prebenzo good day. I told my boss and immediate colleagues that I was having a reaction to the cessation of a prescribed medication and needed to have some flexibility for a week or two to work things out (a week or two...right). Again, depends on the relationship you have with your employer.

 

Was able to work part time from home for two weeks, which allowed me some time to wrap my mind around the gravity of the situation I had just entered in to. This ate up about 40 hours of sick time, all I've taken to date. I worked out a plan as best I knew how. Very little knowledge support at this time, merrily going on instinct and the support of my family. The fact you've got this connection now with all these people can only be beneficial. My plan was:

 

> communicate with my wife and kids (daddy's sick and we don't know for how long)

> start diary (never have done this before in my life - track progress)

> get a therapist

> reduce sugar

> exercise (I'm a runner, and will do this even if I can barely walk through the door in the evenings)

> mindfulness meditation - half hour a day. Staple. Safe haven

> no alcohol or coffee

> sought natural path support (at least gather information - great resource here)

> allow myself to emote (sometimes, I'd crawl home and have to just let it out -- cry that is) -- in my car once or twice too.

 

Also, along the way, I've had to allow myself to be less productive. Excepting of the fact that I'm not functioning to my own level of expectation, producing maybe 60 to 80% below my usual output, and be more selective of the projects I take on. And, when I'm sucking air, (most importantly) not to be too hard on myself. I found that if I can minimize distractions and focus as best I can on one of two things, though slower than usual, I can get the work done most often. What I've found is that most people really can't tell that I'm not all the way there. Yes, it's still a struggle. Think theatrical performance, self preservation, poker face. It feels kind of devious, but I've got to keep the pipeline flowing if I'm able, and my livelihood (and family) are worth fighting for.

 

The stress is inescapable yet can be managed. I relied and still do on mindfulness meditation to keep myself grounded as best I can. I suspect that this practice alone is probably what has enabled me to make it this far -- and there's no reason it won't take me all the way. And, I've learned to anticipate that Sunday evenings won't bare much sleep for now, and except that I typically kick the week off on 2-3 hours of crappy sleep. I've dragged myself out of bed 100 times this past year. Dig in, stick to the routine and don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Careful if your job puts you in proximity to physical harm, I can't speak to that. Now I got to get back to work ; )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[be...]]

A theatrical performance, yes. That is what I'm gearing up to do. The problem is that I can't fake the tremors, head ticks (which are particularly disturbing), cold sweats and flushes away. I guess I will just ignore them and hope everyone else does, too. Luckily, my job doesn't require much physically, although I walk up and down the office halls one million times a day. What I do have to do is interface with clients daily. I'm petrified of this....scared I'll panic or faint or tick or generally go insane.

 

Thank you so much for your advice and your story. It's EXTREMELY helpful just to know someone else did it. I too HAVE to work for my family. I find myself saying, "This too shall pass" over and over again.

 

Sleep was horrendous for me, but I've taken an OTC sleep aid (w/ melatonin) and so far it's working. I didn't want to take anything stronger, but would if sleep becomes a big problem again.

 

Again, THANKS. I am trying most of the modalities that you have. Except the running. I'd probably die. : )

 

All the best,

BH

[[Li...]]

A walk in the middle of the day helps too.

 

I had a twitch in my left eye for a couple months (day and night). Was self conscious about it. The symptoms I have really keep me focused on myself a lot, but I don't think most people really notice this stuff from this outside. It helps to remind myself of that often while at the office.

 

One of the biggest hindrance's on the job for me is just a lack of confidence in my responses, because my analytical thinking is still less that what it used to be pre-benzo. Often, it's "let me get back to you on that one..." kind of a response. Tracking conversations can be a bit of a chore too.

 

As much as I don't feel like it at times, I try to 'make the rounds' and check in with colleagues and staff often, rather than stay holed up in my office (sometimes you just have to).