Tell me if you think I am crazy, Please do not hold back

[[wo...]]

I am going on 20 months now.  I sometimes go a month or better without even checking in to see if I have any PM's.  Anyway.  Last week we got a new puppy.  Just a few months old.  Whats the big deal?  Ya right that's what I say. 

 

All these minuscule concerns.  What if my dog that we have had for a few years does not take to it well, a;ll these things that years ago would not have concerned me.  My wife is always on edge about trhings and it all makes me nuts.  I am super stressed.  I have gone through life taking everything with a grain of salt.

 

Oh ya, and I justy bought a new truck for my business.  Talk about a success story.  I came back from the ashes.  Now life is getting better. 

 

But now with this new puppy I have lost my focus on my business.  Sure just put him in a cage.  But I worry about thing more than I used to.  I have always been cautious, (not with my own health) but in general.  I am in the moving business, I am dedicated to being cautious.

 

Back to my dilemma.  Have I become overwhelmed to the point of feeling a bit like I did before.  This is no where near as bad as it was after my c/t, but I have been feeling a bit like I did before I stopped, pre cold turkey.  I feel like I need a few beers just to relax.  I hve been taking a littlw trazadone to sleep.

 

By the way my sleep still has not returned to normal.

 

Just a simple yes or no is adequate.  Thanks

[[ki...]]

Sounds like stress and I don't think you're crazy.  When we got our first puppy, there was a period where my wife was jealous that I was spending time with him to the point she was angry.  We look back now and laugh, we were adjusting from being a couple to "having a family" and the adjustment got to her.  We decided to add a second puppy and the second one drove me crazy and we ended up finding her a new home.  It was the best for everyone involved and now my wife and I love our dog and each other and we laugh about the rough times.  Puppies can test your patience and I can understand that you are affected more after all the benzo fun.

 

 

[[wo...]]

Thanks.  My preexisting dog has taken to this little one pretty well.  My wife sems to always be on guard and I ask her, "Hey I did fine with the first one didn't I?"  I get this self doubt.  I mean come on.  My wife is 40.  We have no children.  My father was 47 when I came to be.  I was drunk a lot with 20 - 30 vicodins in me when we got our first puppy.  Althjough elebriated I found myself very very tentative and on the ball around a little 4 pound chitzue.  I guess like an airline pilot.  You get so used to a drug and you do things perfect, until you get caught.  That's what lead toi mu benzo use.  The opiates screwed with me so I needed a downer to help sleep.  I wasted years of my life. Proudly I can say that my father had no problem such as I for having children late in life.  He was just a very passive man.  Had a few beers  I was a real test for him.  The only child. 

 

But back to my query.  I guess That increased stress can set you back..

[[ea...]]

wornout, I don't think you are crazy at all. I think you are still in a state of shock from all you have been through. I think part of yourself is beating up on the other part - some guilt about your past, maybe. I know I have that and it rears its ugly head on occasion. Those are the nights when I wish I had some beer, or some wine, or even a wee little benzo pill. I never act on these thoughts, but I do admit they come to me sometimes.

 

Maybe the new puppy's fragility gets to you - its helpless, it depends on you - maybe your old doubts about being able to take care of things is coming up...? Im guessing, based on my own experiences. Because you admittedly were out of it with the first puppy, you want to make good with the new one..? These are all normal reactions, but we drinkers and druggers tend to have these things kind of exaggerated. I hope Im not offending you in any way! I tend to be very open and honest (sometimes too hard on myself-) and sometimes say things that come out wrong.

 

I, too, wasted many years of my life. At this point, however, I am trying very hard not to obsess about this, worry about it or feel bad about it. Its over and done, and I cannot go back. I figure that what I do NOW counts, not what I did before.

 

If Trazedone helps you sleep, so what? Its not as dangerous as benzos, alcohol or opiates. In fact, a lot of the benzo docs prescribe it for depression and sleep. I wanted to try it but my doctor said no...too risky for an older woman (can cause heart troubles).

 

I get this feeling that you are trying so darn hard to "do right" that youre tripping yourself up with worries and concerns. I do that too...I try to recognize when Im doing it and stop but sometimes its too late.

 

It sounds like you are, in reality, doing quite well. And that is great! But doing well doesn't mean we have gotten rid of the demons that drove us in the past, as you know. I guess all we can do is keep on trying, but not be so hard on ourselves.

Hope this makes sense to you....its not an easy subject for me to discuss easily, because Im still fighting those demons myself. Im winning, but haven't reached the finish line.....and there may never BE a finish line with this stuff.

east

PS I am writing this in a personal sense, not a "Moderator" sense.

 

[[Ch...]]

A puppy is like having a newborn baby only without the convenience of diapers.  I went through this last fall when we got a puppy, the first one I'd had in nearly twenty years.  The last puppy was a small dog, this one is a giant breed...everything was bigger and messier.

 

The broken sleep at night, the constant vigilance of housebreaking, the chewing, the cords...it's all very stressful.  This may all have thrown you into a bit of a wave. 

 

If the puppy has to be home alone during the day, it is to his safety and your advantage to use a crate.  Good for housebreaking as well and better sleep at night.  I also bought several metal gates that were easy to move around to different doorways to keep him confined.

 

He's a year old now and things are so much easier.  I don't want to go through puppyhood again, I don't think. 

 

[[Fl...]]

Not sure if this is applicable but I have found that I could only focus on one thing during wd. If I was involved in something and another thing came along that demanded or enticed my attention, the first thing would be completely put on hold. I simply did not have the mental capacity to focus on more than one thing at a time.

 

And I'm not just talking about daily projects. It was the same with the big stuff that lasted days or weeks. First it was getting an old motorcycle on the road. Then I sold my car and bought an old truck that needed work. Now that I am getting back into business again and both the truck and the bike are having issues I have very little interest in working on the truck or the bike, even though vintage bikes are supposed to be my hobby.

 

It's getting better though. I at least have enough cognitive ability that I try to do multiple things when I know that I really should be taking care of other stuff.

[[wo...]]

Hey thanks.  East good to hear from you again.  I remember exchanging a few posts here and there in my post benzo infancy.  I recall those days like thay were a different life.  Now life has gotten back into thew swing of things I can not believe that I had  weel over a year of my lie basically in a "rehab" of its own.  Not like a 90 day rehab, but a new way of learning to adapt. 

 

Good for yu Florida.  Getting back into business was totally out of the question. Now I just bough a truck and got a DOT number.  I am trying to be compliant with all the rules and regulations.  I do not even have a drivers license but yet I am still in the moving business.  Man I could not even walk or get laundry down stairs after my c/t.  Shit I was too scared to do laundry.  Now I am back to moving pianos and same old same old.

 

Good for all of us.  Ya the new truck and puppy and thoughts of failure are enough to cause a wave.

[Guest [...]]

No, I do not think you are crazy. I think you still need to find whatever will soothe you in a healthy way. Healthy self soothing is the right thing to do, it's not a luxury, it's a responsibility. So something like exercise, meditation, yoga, breathing, whatever. I am sure you have tried a lot. Keep trying. Not drugs, booze, and maybe not this puppy! 

 

I remember one time I was so stressed out I got a fish to keep me company and I was too stressed out to take of it and killed it.  I am trying to take of plants now and killed one.  So I am not ready for much more than taking care of myself and I'm okay with it.

 

It sounds to me though you are making progress. Keep it up and congrats!