Please tell me this gets better.

[[pa...]]

I've been on this taper for over 3 months now.  I have been doing the dry cut method, holding for 2 weeks or more at a time.  I started at 0.50mg/day and have made it down to 0.0625mg/day.  I was on Klonopin for 5 months prior to tapering.  I have never taken any anti-anxiety/depressants prior to this experience and will most definitely not take any once this is all said and done.

 

I had situational panic attacks prior to this, though nothing ever prepared me for the panic attacks & anxiety I currently feel.  I used to be able to coach myself through it before, but this is just something else.  I find it hard to even leave my house.  I'm in a constant dreamlike state.  Nothing looks or feels real.  Fortunately, I've mostly gotten over the awful muscle cramps & joint pain.  Though, I've lost 10 lbs & have no appetite, whatsoever.  I find myself crying over absolutely nothing.  The tinnitus was something else, haven't had it for a few days, so I should consider myself lucky.  I have so much sinus pressure & drainage, I constantly having to clear my throat.  I've also been having visual disturbances, like I can see a "trail" when I move my hand or other objects, very strange.  I have a strange pins & needles type sensation in my feet, on occasion.  I'm very sensitive to light & loud noises.

 

Around the beginning of the second month, I believe I went into a complete psychosis.  I had extremely obsessive, intrusive thoughts and couldn't fall asleep until 7am.  My mind was going 100 miles per hour of anything and everything negative that had ever happened in my life.  I had convinced myself I was dying.  This has lessened up drastically.  I do feel myself slowly coming back.  I'm sure there's much more that I just can't think of right now.

 

I know many have jumped at 0.125, but my sx's are just not tolerable enough.  It's hard to believe that this has gotten such a grasp on me.  I plan on staying on 0.0625mg/day for a couple more weeks & see if I have to cut down to 0.03125mg/day for a couple more weeks.

 

On top of all of this, I have had so many stressors coming at me.  My daughter developed appendicitis, death in the family, & my husband is currently over 2000 miles away.

 

I'm terrified of what is yet to come, I pray that the worst is over.  I do feel silly grinding up my pill into a fine powder, but I'm just so scared to jump.  I haven't been taking any other medication during my taper, aside from my allergy pills. 

 

The only thing that is severely impairing me is the CONSTANT anxiety & dreamlike feeling, if it wasn't for that, I'd consider myself okay.  It's taken away all motivation.  I'm terrified that this is going to stick forever.  I just want to go back to feeling like myself again.  I've been getting through this on my own, with the help of prayer & meditation.

[Guest [ba...]]

Hi Panic!  It will get better.  I promise.

 

You've tapered pretty rapidly, and the dose you're currently taking is mere vapors to a body that is screaming for more of that (evil) drug.  It's unfortunate, but understandable that you are experiencing some withdrawal symptoms.  About all I can suggest is that you try to relax as much as you can.  Don't let added fear/anxiety contribute to the fear/anxiety that the withdrawal itself brings.  Practice distraction and mindfulness to help you get through these nasty days.  And remember that each day brings you closer to being fully healed.

 

You'll get through this.

[[pa...]]

Oh man...& I was under the impression that 0.125mg cuts was going slow...no wonder!  Well, there's no going back now...ugh!  

 

The first few days or so are always the worst.  Fortunately, after that I seem to "stabilize."  Though, those few days are torturous!

 

I agree, 0.0625 mg definitely is not doing much, at all!

[Guest [ba...]]

It's good that you are able to stabilize.  You'll jump soon, and I hope you stabilize very quickly after that.  Life is nice on the other side of these stupid pills and the woes of withdrawing from them.

[[pa...]]

I really hope so, too.  Thanks for your encouraging words!

 

I just want my husband to be here...it's been so difficult getting through all this without him.  He's only been home 3x these past 9 months.  The last time I saw him was at the beginning of my taper, 3 months ago.  He's coming home soon & I really don't want him seeing me like this.  I look like complete crap!  & I'm so scared he's not going to have the patience to put up with this.  It's easy for me to play it off while I'm on the phone with him.  But I desperately want him here with me, now.  This has all just been a complete nightmare, this entire year.  I can't believe this is my life now.  A year ago I was on cloud 9.  Life was incredible.  Then all this happened.  Them I had the brilliant idea to get off of it, maybe I should've waited longer to get off it.  I just don't know anymore, to be honest.  I feel so discouraged.  I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to feel once this is a said and done.  What a complete mess I've become...I fear that I'm dying.  I've turned into this insane hypochondriac. I just want my life back, I pray that god has mercy on me...on all of us...so we may have the courage & strength to get through this.

[[...]]

Hi panicinpink.  I feel your pain.  Still in my taper.  Am so sorry you've had such a rough time.  You did it quick and suffered but on the bright side (not that there really can be a bright side in benzo withdrawal) I'll rephrase, the less dark side, you are almost there.  I wish I was where  you are. 

 

I've read so many people who got better here it helps me when I see it or hear from one of the successful moderators to believe it that it will happen for me for you. 

 

I wish you smoother happier days ahead soon. 

[[pa...]]

Thanks, jth,

 

Some days are worse than others, but in all actuality, this entire summer is nothing but a complete haze to me.  I've somehow managed to keep it together, though I'll say it wasn't easy.  I'd say I'm quarter if a person right now.  The thing that keeps me going is my little one, knowing my husband will be home soon, & that I will be whole again.  I can't let them or myself down, no matter how discouraged I get.  No matter how much physical & mental pain I endure.  It freaking sucks!  I just imagine the strong person that I will be at the end of all of this.  I definitely have an entirely new perspective on life. I've realized all the things that I've taken for granted in the past.  All the opportunities I've passed up.  No more!  After I'm all healed, I'm taking life by the horns!  We just gotta get through this little bump in the road!!