6MosFree/Give it Up/My Taper

[[Af...]]

Today I’m 6mos free from Klonopin 4mg + Xanax 1mg.  :balloon:

But I still face each day in Trauma Mode, even though I don’t need to any more.

Here’s my ceremonial attempt to change – another step for another milestone –

Hopefully with many more to come.

 

“Give it Up”

 

Today my last dose of benzos is six months behind me.

But My Taper is still by my side.

 

I’m still monogamous and codependent with My Taper.  And I’m realizing it asks more of me than I should continue to give.

 

My relationship with My Taper has been both the closest and most demanding relationship I’ve ever known.

Though it once served as my lifeline, it’s no longer leading me anywhere I want to go. Yet I’m still following.

 

I’m following My Taper because it’s familiar. I can’t say it’s comfortable, because our relationship has never been based on comfort. 

It’s been service-based. My Taper has served as my beacon, and for that I’m very grateful. 

 

Amazingly, the world doesn’t seem quite so dark any more, and I want to live my life in the natural light.

 

For the past 18 months My Taper has defined me. I’ve faced each day with grim determination, and my strongest hope has been for the necessary endurance to make it through each 24 hours at a time.

 

It’s time to give up the grim.

 

My Taper and I won our battle 6 months ago. Yet we’re still bracing for a fight. Because that’s what we do best together. We tough it out. We take a deep breath and forge ahead. Against all odds.

 

It’s time to give up the tough.

 

I believe the world is always seeking balance.  And every victory requires an equal and opposite surrender. And sometimes these opposites are exacted from the same source.

 

It’s time to surrender, My Taper,

It’s time to give it up.

We’re 6 months free, it’s time to part -

Our job together is done.

I never thought we’d last this long;

It's time to say goodbye.

 

Aft35

 

[[al...]]

Thank you for these words of wisdom. It is a helpful reminder to me that our relationship with benzos does end eventually and that it is OK to go on and live. In July, I stopped at a beautiful park - I walked along the creek to an overlook - there I said outloud "I give this all back to the universe". This journey is slow for all of us, it takes courage. I pray every day for the courage to live again.

[[Af...]]

Hi allison,

I agree - I always feel better when I go for a walk. And overlooks are about as good as it gets.

I see we're very close in free-time, so I'm sure you understand... 

I wanted so much to do a hopeful post, rather than list the symptoms that still trouble me.

Somehow typing them out gives them more power than I want to give.

It's so hard to hang on to the small successes as we achieve them. But they are precious indeed!

I struggle with impatience; but I know our time is coming....

I find these celebration posts to be healing - like giving ourselves a little graduation ceremony for  each step along the way.

Hope you'll be posting your next milestone soon.

[[ma...]]

This is wonderful to read Aft35 Congratulations and well done to you at 6 months, You worked hard for your freedom , you should be so proud of your achievement.

 

I wish you a speedy recovery

 

Magrita

[[Af...]]

Magrita,

Special thanks for your support. You were the one who welcomed me to BB when I joined, and you gave me hope when I needed it most.

[Guest [Mi...]]

Very nice, Atf35yrs.

 

I understand how the Taper can define us. It is indeed with us 24/7. Sounds like you're making peace with the Taper.

 

Wishing you well. 

[[Gr...]]

Congrats, aft35yrs

 

Not only the taper, the whole benzo experience, from the first pill, is so consuming it tends to define us.  We don't want it to, but it does seem to take over our lives.

 

I'm happy to help you celebrate 6 months benzo free. Some day you're going to be having coffee in some café with a friend, and your taper is going to be a dim memory of something that happened a long time ago.

 

Be well.

[[Gr...]]

P.S.  You have a very cool avatar. 

[[Af...]]

Mindseeker - it seems like you are making peace as well. i see from your posts that you are job-hunting already - that's amazing! we are healing indeed

 

GreenIce - you're coming up on a year - have you had that cafe'-day yet? i want so much to go a whole day without thinking about My Taper (see what mean- now i'm thinking about not thinking about it )

 

Glad you like my avatar. She's a figure in the first oil painting i ever bought. The painting is called Under the Seagrape Leaves. I spend many restorative hours looking at it. I imagine myself as her, and imagine her world as captured in that moment. I've never lost faith in the power of heightened reality. As a tool, it gets me through the tough stuff.

[[ea...]]

I, too, found that listing my symptoms and going on about them gave them too much power...they got stronger. I have always tried to resist the temptation to talk about them. In my Blog, I even gave them code names, so I wouldn't have to name them.

 

Congratulations on reaching this milestone. Sounds like it was a battle, but one worth fighting. Twas for me, I know.

east

 

 

[[Af...]]

thanks eastcoast - i just read your sig - you came off a monster dose just as i did  - you know, for all those years i had no idea i was even on a monster dose - did you?

i like the idea of the code names - may try it myself!

[[Ki...]]

I love you, Aft!!!! Way to go my friend, way to go