After 6 years past 3 on 9 mg xanax now Valium taper for 1.5 year I just feel...

[[Mo...]]

Too far gone...

30 years old

No kids ( wish I could)

No menstrual cycle in forever( body so out of sorts)

Horrific pain

Agoraphobia ( hard to even talk on phone)

Depression

Lost all family bc got tired of trying to explain

Brain fog

Existing not living

Insomnia

Hopelessness

No real windows

Chest pain pressure

Can't even watch tv bc hurts too bad to see

Others laughing etc ( haven't laughed or had positive emotion

In forever.)

Boyfriend wanting it over

Unable to care for myself

And the list goes on...

I can't even barely cry anymore

Went from a beautiful confident ballroom dancer to an ugly

Terrified little mouse. Who shivers in the corner.

Confusion

All I ever wanted was to get married, use college degree

And be a mommy. None of those things will ever happen.

3 years of benzo hell and I am hanging on by a thread,

I admire those of you who are able to lay in bed and focus

On tv and don't experience extreme physical  pain and are optimistic as I

Once was.

May God Bless all of you! And heal you all!

 

 

 

[[Br...]]

Molly, I'm 40 and I feel exactly what you're saying. I feel so alone and I am finding myself jealous of people laughing and leading normal lives. I have constant chest pain and anxiety and feel like this will never end. But it will end. We can make it past this and we will be stronger, more compassionate people because of it. You are young and your dreams can all be accomplished! Don't listen to the lies the benzo is telling you. You can do this!!

[[Hd...]]

Hello,

My name is Heather and unfortunately, I know what your both going through! When I was 35, I went through a bad divorce and dr put me on 3 mgs of k. I started to feel like a different person almost immediately! About 3 or 4 years later, I was reduced to an invalid and dr put me on 3 mgs of Xanax . Felt great for about 2 months and totally fell apart! I started to abuse alcohol, in hopes it would alleviate any or part of the hell I was in. I told my dr,and he cut me off cold turkey!

 

I thought I was going to die!!!!

I couldn't walk, talk on the phone, hysteria, agoraphobia, 24/7 panic, I too was once a vibrant, full of life, mother of 3 and had went to college, and this hell caused me to lose EVERYTHING! Lost my kids, family, car, money. I had nothing left. My family and friends, all thought I was  insane and so did the doctors.

About 8 months going through the cold turkey hell, I ended up in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, where I was reinstated back to 8 mgs of lorazapam, which at that point, was barely doing anything. It took about 3 months for me to start feeling semi normal again.

Now I'm 41, and hovering between 5 and 6 mgs of lorazapam a day, to function somewhat normally.

 

I too, am jealous when I see normal people living there daily lives! I remember what it was like to be normal and happy!

I used to be thin and pretty and vibrant, and now I've put on weight from the benzos, and feel like I'm  old and haggard. I can't exercise or really much of anything. I'm scared all the time and to exhausted to care. Can't work either.

All I have is hope from what I've read on this site, of others that have recovered.

Also couldn't watch tv or much else either.

I've been in the exact same place your in now, and sense I've reinstated and learned what's actually wrong with me, hopefully il be able to tapper and have a life again!

 

Be strong! We can all get through this together!!

 

Heather

[[Br...]]

Heather thank you for your post. I hate this, but with buddies like you and all the caring people in this forum it makes this horrible journey easier. It's always nice to have caring people reassure you, and knowing that you're not alone!

[[Hd...]]

Hi brookelane,

I see that your also taking about the same dose of Ativan, as I am, and was wondering what type of symptoms you are dealing with?

 

When I first started taking benzos, I was started on k and by the time they put me Xanax , I was an invalid. Sense I reinstated on Adivan, it's a totally different experience!

 

Mornings are the worst ! Migraines, shakes, dizzy, and I feel seizurish. After I take my morning dose, it takes about an hour or 2, then I can function pretty good. The tapering is hard because I feel different everyday. I dnt no if it will b a good day or bad day.

 

How are you feeling ? Any similar symptoms ?

 

I'm scared to taper!!!

 

Heather

[[Br...]]

Hey Heather,

I'm sorry it took me a while to get back here. I suspect I was in tolerance withdrawal when I began my taper. I feel chest tightness, depression, and the lovely anxiety . It has let up over a few months. I was so scared to taper too. Just go slow, it will be ok, and I'll help you any way I can! We can do this! We can help each other!

BL

[[Hd...]]

Thanks brookelane for the reassurance.

 

I have the anxiety and constant depression also. Before I started reading posts of others experiences with depression, I started to think I was manic!

 

My emotions are all out of whack.

 

The people here are so nice and supportive!

Iv got myself down to 4.75 mgs last night and not feeling much different so far.

 

Thanks for your kind words

Heather

[[Br...]]

Hey Heather---

How are you doing? Great I hope! I had an ok day today, but the last two days I have been a nervous wreck and had the lovely chest pain. Hang in there, each day is closer to better days ahead! For all of us!

[[Hd...]]

Hey brookelane, 

I'm ok for the most part. I've never made a post on the board as of yet by I'm considering asking for advice. I'm getting scared! When I went thru the c/t, I really didn't think I was going to make it out alive. Now I feel way better compared to that but better now isn't even close to how I was before all this. I'm reading stories of others that have tapered and jumped, but it sounds like, after you get to that point it's not very good. Lots of symptoms but I tolerate it. Just can't imagine being back in that place again. I hope your doing well !

 

Heather

[[Br...]]

I try not to think ahead more than a day at a time, if I do I tend to panic. I try not to get too scared when I read some of the scary stuff. Try not to worry because as you taper down slowly and allow yourself to heal, you may be one of the lucky ones who don't have many problems at all. Everyone seems to be different. One thing to keep in mind though, is all of those who have been down the path before us--they made it and so will we The human spirit is amazing and just when we think we can't make it another day, we reach within our soul and we push through. We can do it

[[Br...]]

I haven't made many posts either...I figured it was time to jump in and gather the knowledge and support from all the amazing people here

[[Hd...]]

Brookelane,

Thanks for the encouragement! I was starting to freak out a bit. It's just so weird because everyday is so different from the 1 before. Somehow I made it down to 2.5 mgs and rite around Xmas, I got hit with awful sx, and the next thing I new I was back to 4 and 5 mgs. I guess I worry because rite now I've cut down to 4mgs from 6 within a couple of weeks and I don't feel all that bad.

 

I guess I feel like I'm just waiting for all that hell to start again. Just losing hope sometimes.

 

Thanks again for the encouraging words! It really helps   

Heather

 

How are you felling ? Is your taper going well thus far?

My main symptoms from this crap, currently are, mind shattering headaches, some insomnia but not to bad, and feeling hideous in the mornings till meds kick in. What are u experiencing?

 

 

[[Br...]]

Heather,

I am currently at 3 1/2 mg a day and I am experiencing chest tightness, panic attacks, and it's like I can never relax, if that makes sense. It seems to let up late at night. Some days are great and some days are terrible. On the terrible days, I cry pretty much all day and feel hopeless. It's like if I realize the long ride I'm going to be on, I feel like I just want to run away from it--but there's nowhere to run to. How are you feeling tonight?

[[Hd...]]

Brookelane

Hi, it's hard to say how I'm feeling really. I've been getting dizzy a lot , to the point of blacking out for a few seconds. I had to pick up my son today and had to drive on the  expressway so I up dosed by 1 mg out of shear fear of Having an episode with my son in the car! That was depressing all in itself!

 

I don't no how I'm ever going to get off this crap when I have so many people depending on my to be 100% all the time. I wish I could just go away somewhere and get thru this already !

 

I'm sorry that your so depressed . That garbage makes me appear to b bipolar half the time.  I'm crying or enraged over this or just agitated . My emotions are soooo out of whack! 

 

And I no exactly how you feel!!!! Nights for me usually are better also an I feel  like if I I'd run, I cud run away from this but it's like u said" there's no where to run"

 

How are u feeling today? Do u have kids or a. Family that u have to take care of? It's hard enough to  care for myself let alone others that look to me to care for them. This is just so exhausting !

 

Heather

[[Di...]]

I really don't want to take anything away from the other people who have been posting on this thread, but I'm worried about the OP (Molly). She doesn't appear to have been back on BB since she made her post. I hope she is okay.

[[Hd...]]

I was worried about that too! After I first posted , I haven't seen anymore post from her either.  Is there a way to search her to no if she's posted anywhere else? I've been looking for her name and haven't seen it anywhere

[[Di...]]

If you click on her name you can then click on all the posts she has made and you can also see the last time she was active on the forum. Apart from making a couple of posts just after this one she hasn't logged on to the forum since this thread was created. She sounded very depressed in her post and I'm very worried about her. She needs to talk to us about her taper so we can help her sort things out.

[[Hd...]]

I agree. I'm worried too!

 

Heather

[[Br...]]

I'm worried too

[[Hd...]]

I just saw a post on another thread that was quoted by a girl named Molly but it does show the numbers after her name so idk if it's her or not. It was on the 18th under the thread" I don't recognize myself" . I hope that was her but not sure. She sounded pretty bad. I hope she's ok