You don't want to live but you don't want to die?

[[Se...]]

This is exactly where I am right now, at nearly 2 mos. out.  The living part is excruciating; beyond belief, and I often wish I were taken in my sleep.  But then I think of my children smiling and laughing *sob* and I remember not-so-distant memories with them (even when I was on benzos)... priceless times we've had together.  I then realize that I don't want to die, as hard as it is to keep living with this utter f*&^%$* sh*t day in and day out.  Because I want to experience these precious times with them again and really FEEL connected to them again deep down in my soul, as I once was able to before this life-alienating experience.

 

I realize my kids are probably what keeps me going.

 

I need to vent.  Thank you for listening.

 

[[al...]]

I felt like you do this past July - one of the admins here gave me a hotline to call and I called - it really helped just to have someone to listen. In my case, the number I have is the National Suicide Hotline - I called and they said they are there to listen to anything a person needs to say - it really helped just to speak and let out all my thoughts. When the next bad moment pops up, I will call them again. There are several hotlines and "warm lines"  - the warm lines are for anyone who just needs someone to talk to.

[[Se...]]

Thanks.  I called one about two wks. ago.  Not really helpful per se... said they'd send non-uniformed police & someone to talk to, if necessary (read:  take you to the looney bin in order to have soulless doctors dope you up... no effin' thanks; I'd rather die first.)  The only positive is that it gave me something distracting to do (talk with someone "fresh") for a bit while I was in the absolute pit of things. 

 

I am not suicidal... just utterly depressed & disheartened right now.  And thinking of my family.  Always thinking of them.  I want to reconnect with them... and my life... so very badly. 

[[ea...]]

  (BIG HUG!!!)

 

SerenityNow, I think I know just how you feel, having been there myself. I don't have children, but "back then" I had five wonderful cats that I couldn't think of abandoning. It must be even harder with children.

Its a long, rough road we travel on. It winds around, up hills, down hills, many curves to navigate. But if we just stay on it, the road does end. And at the end of that road is a wonderful happier, saner place to stay in.

east

[[sa...]]

That's exactly how I feel. I don't really want to die but can't keep going like this. I'm scared I'm going to impulsively do something. All I do is look back at my life with regret. Lost opportunities. Fear I'm never going to heal and when I do even have a life worth living. I'm destroyed by this. Going to lose everything.

[[it...]]

You just have to survive until you reach a milestone of months and it will fade away!

[[br...]]

I kind of did want to die at one stage, I just did not care about any of my sx, I was taunting them, saying do your worst. I still have that frame of mind a touch, only now I don't want to die, I want to live and live a good and healthy life, in every way. I think we all have a border line obsession with death through out this hell.

 

b

[[Mi...]]

We are twins, Serenity. I don't want to live but I don't want to die.

 

This afternoon we had severe thunderstorms and I was indirectly struck by lightening. As I opened the door to my washing machine lightening struck right near the house (my kids told me afterward...they saw the flash and heard the thunder). I heard a buzzing sound and felt an electric current going up through my hands (I didn't have shoes on and was on a tile floor). It took me a couple of seconds to realize what was happening and pull my vibrating hands away.

 

I am glad I wasn't seriously hurt, but at the same time feel like what am I living for when I am so changed?

 

Day after day it is still hard to believe this has happened. It really feels like brain damage.

[[...]]

I feel the same way. It's a terrible feeling. It's a huge depression I guess.

[[Ch...]]

Yep, I know this one so well. I've been feeling like this for a year. Don't worry though..I was ON the meds for months feeling like this. The 'meds' caused the severe, unrelenting suicidal ideation (I had no reason to be suicidal).

 

I've only been med free a relatively short time and am starting to see sort of windows. In a wave right now!

 

I can so relate to that feeling. It's feels like you can't stand it another minute but then you remember who you were before this mess and feel it's got to be worth fighting for. And I've heard so many times that it gets better. In the 'sort of' windows I'm starting to get, I feel more positive.

[[BJ...]]

Hopefully things will begin to pick up for you in the coming weeks, SN.