Doubting I'll get thru this

[[Se...]]

Guys, I want my life back  :'(  I am beyond despondent.  Beating myself up that I took these drugs.  Then, when I was in the hospital with the recent o/d, I just recently found out I was given an antibiotic by IV that is ototoxic.  Lovely.  On top of pre-existing tinnitus and tinnitus from benzo w/d.  I think it's made my tinnitus even worse.  My black thoughts are swirling.  I can't sleep because of the hissing and other sounds in my head.  I may be partially deaf.  I've got an app't with audiologist next week but am afraid to go because my ears are so stuffed up (from the benzo w/d?) and the hearing tests could be skewed because of withdrawal.  Yet I don't want to delay the app't, either... if I do have hearing loss, I'll want to know that.  Benzo w/d + bad tinnitus = utter HELL.  People say the tinnitus can get better... it is my only hope that it will.  Otherwise...

 

I don't see even a pinprick of light right now through this torture.  Yesterday I forced myself to get out and re-engage somewhat in life... I walked, went to stores, did stuff with my kids, like a zombie.  For nothing?  I know progress is very slow, but I do keep keepin' on.  What else can I do...  My family needs me, but I am no good to them now.

 

All of this... it would be a fine way to torture captured enemies during wartime. 

 

I am alive but not living and I honestly do not feel there is a path out of this nightmare.

[[...]]

Serenity, you are still early on...it will get better!

 

I was prescribed benzos for tinnitus, so most likely mine will never go away, I have to learn to live with it!

 

I know it feels hopeless and relentless, but it will improve! It is slow, you are right, and as time passes and you look back, you will see the improvements!

 

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you feel some relief soon!

 

[[lo...]]

Hi Serenity

 

My heart goes out to you. I see from another post that you are 2 months off. Is that right? Your signature needs to be updated as it looks as if you are still on K.

 

Two months is a short time as well you know. This means everything is amplified right now.

 

The tinnitus may well diminish and become manageable. If you have hearing loss you will cope with it when you get through this dreadful time.

Please try to accept what has happened in the past.  You did what you did for totally understandable reasons. Forgive yourself. I am sure your family does. We don't blame you. Be kind to yourself as you would to a best friend.  We all do things we regret. We can't change what we have done. If we add in guilt and self-blame we are adding to the ongoing damage and making things worse in the here and now.

 

You can't see a way out just now. Of course you can't. Don't look for one. Just do what you can each day to get through it for yourself and your family. You are trying so hard, I know. You can only do your best. As long as your children know you love them and your husband does too, you will pull through this.

 

Keep your appointment, live only for today and above all forgive yourself. We so often forgive those we love, what is so hard about forgiving ourselves. We are all frail human beings and benzo withdrawal brings despair to many of us.  We often think of ending it, many of us teeter on the edge, we are all at risk of falling over it. When you do, the Buddie Blanket catches you as you fall, and keeps you safe with warmth and love.

 

Much love to you, my friend

 

LF 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Se...]]

Thanks, G... But if the tinnitus (which only seems to be getting worse) doesn't subside at least a little bit... I can't see how it'll be worth living anymore.  It's incurable and untreatable.  The old "garden variety" tinnitus I had for 14 yrs. (which I'd habituated to) was a picnic compared to this post-benzo version.  I've been trying to be as positive as possible with this w/d... but it seems nearly impossible with the constant loud sounds in my head which prevent me from sleeping and concentrating.  I cannot believe this is what my life has turned into.  I don't want to be constantly complaining but, as you no doubt know, severe tinnitus is hard enough to deal with on its own.

 

DAMN these neurotoxins all to hell.  They have utterly destroyed my life.

[[...]]

Mine has improved the further out I get! Most likely it won't stay as bad as it is right now!

 

I have had some hearing loss with my tinnitus, another thing I have learned to adjust to. I see the audiologist yearly.

 

Early on I did research and found that if you are low on zinc it can improve tinnitus to supplement. I did and mine improved! It can take a bit of time for it to work. The research I did said one way to check if you are deficient is to take a zinc "lozenge" and if it tastes good you have a deficiency. I didn't do that, I just supplemented.

 

Sounds like we are in the same benzo tinnitus boat, but it does get better!

 

[[Se...]]

You can't see a way out just now. Of course you can't. Don't look for one. Just do what you can each day to get through it for yourself and your family. You are trying so hard, I know. You can only do your best. As long as your children know you love them and your husband does too, you will pull through this.

 

Thank you, dear LF  :'(  That is exactly what I am doing.  Each and every day.

 

I never dreamed I'd be in a situation like this... but here I am.  Here we all are. 

[[Se...]]

G, how do you sleep?  Can you concentrate with the headnoise?  When I first got tinnitus 14 yrs. ago, I went on an SSRI for 8 mos. because I couldn't sleep or take care of my infant son.  It did help.  Of course now... well, we can't take anything like that (nor would I want to ever put another psych med in my benzo-damaged body.)

 

Melatonin seems to allow me to get some sleep many nights.  I also try to keep busy enough even though my body is tired and weak.  Crashing from mental & physical exhaustion is really all I've got at this point.

[[lo...]]

Hi Serenity

 

When I was at my lowest in life I found great comfort in the words of "Footprints in the Sand".

 

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php

 

Your beliefs may not be Christian but you can find comfort in the sentiments expressed.

 

I felt I had lost everything in my life and had nothing else to lose. I needed someone to carry me through.

 

I did get through and rebuilt my life.

 

H6gs

 

LF 

 

 

[[Se...]]

Sounds like we are in the same benzo tinnitus boat, but it does get better!

 

This is the message that mostly seems to come through to me here on BB, G.  Either it goes away (I pray for this) or it lessens with time.  Or people habituate.  I HAVE to believe it.  My life depends on it.

 

Until then... I keep surviving hour by hour and doing what I need to do.

 

I wish somebody else with some positive experience with this symptom would chime in.  I'd sincerely appreciate it.

[[Se...]]

Thank you for responding, LF.  I am a spiritual person, but even that practice seems frozen/put on hold right now, although I keep praying and working on positive thoughts, etc.

[[ma...]]

Yesterday I forced myself to get out and re-engage somewhat in life... I walked, went to stores, did stuff with my kids, like a zombie.  For nothing?  I know progress is very slow, but I do keep keepin' on.  What else can I do...  My family needs me, but I am no good to them now.

Serenity!   you should be so proud of yourself doing what your doing, I think your a hero, doing stuff with the kids a few months from your last benzo! Well done to you for getting out there, your day will come, its just a matter of time.

 

The tinnitus sucks, drove me crazy, but it will get easier and it will go eventually.  Keep on keeping on your doing a great job. It does get better, you will get your life back.

 

Hang in there

 

Magrita

 

[[Se...]]

Magrita, I appreciate your kind response.  Thanks, buddy.

 

This level of suffering is inhumane, though.  It just IS.  I don't know how ANYONE could get used to this level of constant noise in one's head...

[[Mi...]]

Me too, Serenity. I am desperate because of my raging insomnia. I tried Flexeril the past two nights. Maybe slept two hours the first night and last night I slept a whole hour, from 10-11. I hate what this is doing to my family. The mother runs the household and I used to do such a terrific job. Now I do nothing most days except worry what I have done to my brain and how will I ever sleep again. My children miss ME, the me I was, so much.

 

 

[[Se...]]

I know, Misty.  This is BRUTAL    But we have to cling onto hope, right?  It's survival mode 100% right now.  I am just wandering around banging into walls today.  In the bath, out of the bath, on the laptop, off the laptop, in bed, out of bed.  Nothing helps.  I used to find some solace in books.  Now it seems as if I've read it all and there is nothing else I could possibly know.  It is entirely up to me and I must take action.  This is what I've been learning to do gradually, but it is difficult turning the tide on a lifetime of poor habits.

 

Getting no sleep SUCKS hard, I know.  I only sleep about every other night, due to complete exhaustion.  Then, I'm up by around 4:00 am.  It bugs my husband, but I can't help it.  If he loses even a couple hrs. sleep a night, he's a bear the next day (like today.)  He keeps asking me how I can do this... go without sleep night after night...  Well, I am doing it, because what is the alternative?  I was always the one who tended to the babies @ night when they cried.  I used to be an excellent sleeper.  I mourn for those days, of course, as I know you do.

 

I won't say "hang in there" because - I don't know about you - but that phrase is getting so damned trite, but I guess distraction really IS vital in this sick game.

 

You are six months out and didn't have quite the issues I had with my benzo use, if I am correct.  I know that's little solace to you right now.  I do think you will turn a corner here very soon, though.  Be tough with this & I will be, too 

[[...]]

Serenity, I had done some research some time back and read that many people with insomnia are deficient in magnesium. I have gone back to taking magnesium, vit D (I am low), and zinc batter dinner, last night I slept 9.5 hours! The tinnitus is much better today!!

 

I hope you get relief soon!!

 

[[ea...]]

I had bad tinnitus for many months. A high pitched whining, like an electrical sound (don't know any other way to describe this weird noise). I don't know why, but I wasn't scared of this symptom. I must have read that it could happen. But it drove me nuts anyway!

It started to go away at maybe 8 months, and at 2 years, it still comes and goes. But its a lot quieter now, less intrusive. I learned long ago how to just keep going despite the white noise inside my head, and I still keep on going. I wont let benzos beat me again. No way.

east

[[...]]

Serenity, it never has affected my sleep, thank goodness! But, I have always set the sleep timer on the tv, so I have background noise to go to sleep!

 

I hope you get improvement soon!!

 

[Guest [Mo...]]

Your hearing problem is from the benzo withdrawal.  I suffered from the same issue a month in. I even went on steroids to clear the water out of my ears. It came and went for a couple months. Hang I there bud

[[Su...]]

Sorry you are dealing with tinnitus. Have you tried wearing ear plugs to help with sleep ?  They worked for me.

Tinnitus does get better.