This is starting to feel impossible to me.

[[os...]]

 

 

I have suffered a bit of a setback, I had the sweats really bad and felt bad anxiety a few days ago and I made a one day cut reversal and have been trying to get stable again.

 

I have been at this 38 months now and I am almost at 2.8 mg Valium equivalent.

 

I have been feeling pretty good for quite a few months lately but I now seem to have hit a wall again.

 

I am OK but starting to feel the sweats coming on again and I know this feeling, I am on the verge of feeling really bad again... this time it's different in as much as I can literally feel the withdrawals despite the fact I am holding...

 

My mind is quite clear but I feel as if I could burst into a heat up any moment and I can't rapid taper or jump from this dose, it's just out of the question.

 

This is serious because I know that if I were to try and speed up I would be seriously ill and in all honesty, to keep hitting these walls when I am tapering this slow is ridiculous... it's like I am screwed either way but I know withdrawals will be far, far worst if I try and get off the remainder of this quickly.

 

In short, I am not sure I am going to make it to be honest.

 

I am going to carry on holding for as long as is necessary but I don't have a good feeling about the rest of this taper to be honest.

 

I am starting to think that no matter what I do, I am going to have a HELL of a time getting to the finish line...

 

I see others at the low doses feeling bad and I also have started to see quite a few that have managed to get off only to reinstate due to unbearable withdrawals.

 

I will attempt to stabilize by not doing anything but I know my own body, already I am thinking I may need to make a fair few daily cut reversals in order to stabilize again, I will wait another week and see how I am feeling but in all honesty, my hope of managing to free myself of this drug are starting to fade now...

 

I have a feeling that things are going to kick off before I even reach 2 mgs Valium equivalent... I mean, come on, I have been tapering this stuff for 38 months and yet when I feel like this I wonder what the heck is going on.

 

I am starting to get an idea of why some people try and jump sooner... not advised of at all possible...

 

I am just going to wait and hold, hold and hold but I do think I need to go back a little.

 

I am not convinced I am going to get to 2 mg let alone off this drug... it seems to me that even with the huge amount of time I have out into this, it's going to be near to impossible to get off this stuff.

 

I personally think that for some, we get hit no matter what we do, the multi million dollar question is how to get through this.

 

2.8 mg Valium and feeling like this after 38 months is just unbelievable to me.

 

Sorry for the negative post, this just seems impossible right now... but I will hold tight and hope this passes.

[[Kg...]]

Oscar your posts have helped me so much.  I don't post much but have read your posts. Please don't give up you are almost there - I am  on my third round of this and I can  tell you it doesn't get better only worse because your body hits tolerance and then you have all of the symptoms and you are still on the drug.  At least that is what happened to me.  I am so sorry that I just didn't stick it out  to just get rid of the drug.  I don't know but perhaps if you just get off your body can then go into healing mode - I know it will be horrible at first but then you can really heal which is what I think Ashton says - it is only when we are totally off that full healing can occur.  I wish these drugs were banned but we are where we are.  I have so long to go to get off and you have been an inspiration to me fighting the entire way.  You can do this - every day is day towards healing no matter how bad you feel right now your body is getting better -  you have written this yourself - so just give it time.  My prayers are with you. 

[[os...]]

Just spoke with my doctor and he fully supports me tapering this slow and so that has helped, at least I am under no pressure to taper faster than I can handle... at least that is *something* in this whole thing.

 

I will just have to carry on holding, the thing is, when feeling like this I always start to worry that I won't stabilize... worst case scenario is that I have to dose correct a little more and then come back down again... sometimes it seems necessary to do a little dance with this stuff, it's just so infuriating when that is necessary though as it just adds more time to an already never ending taper.

 

My doctor is in agreement with me in as much as he thinks it will be better by the time I reach 2 mgs Valium equivalent on the basis I have tapered so slowly... I don't expect to walk off the last couple of mgs, I just want the terror type anxiety when the waves happen to dial down to a manageable level... if most other symptoms improve then the anxiety has to start getting better at some point... it just has to.

 

I still have a lot of fear based on what happened in the past, it's not so easy to dismiss this because I have felt the withdrawals pretty badly before and I really am doing all I can to not get slammed again...

 

Sorry for another vent, these walls are just so, so frustrating... 

[[os...]]

Oscar your posts have helped me so much.  I don't post much but have read your posts. Please don't give up you are almost there - I am  on my third round of this and I can  tell you it doesn't get better only worse because your body hits tolerance and then you have all of the symptoms and you are still on the drug.  At least that is what happened to me.  I am so sorry that I just didn't stick it out  to just get rid of the drug.  I don't know but perhaps if you just get off your body can then go into healing mode - I know it will be horrible at first but then you can really heal which is what I think Ashton says - it is only when we are totally off that full healing can occur.  I wish these drugs were banned but we are where we are.  I have so long to go to get off and you have been an inspiration to me fighting the entire way.  You can do this - every day is day towards healing no matter how bad you feel right now your body is getting better -  you have written this yourself - so just give it time.  My prayers are with you.

 

Thanks Kgirl.

 

I just stress out when I hit a wall, it makes me always think that this taper is just going to poop out on me and that I will suffer badly no matter what I do...

 

I should not stress this as I have not held long enough to get stable yet but the annoying and frustrating part of this is knowing that there will be undoubtedly many, many walls ahead to get past and at every one I will feel this is it for me, I hate having that constant threat hanging over me.

 

There is NO WAY I am rushing off this stuff, not from this dose, I made a vow to go super slow until 2 mgs Valium equivalent and then I will re-evaluate...

 

The ONLY thing I can think of that is a positive is that if I did have to rapid taper these last 2 mgs, I would (hopefully) not suffer acute for too long given that I have tapered so much of this so very slowly... yet I don't really care even if this is hard, I KNOW it will be much, much worse if I try and go faster and there are real risks there... but more than anything the risk of failure...

 

In my opinion, the ONLY way off this stuff for a long term user like me is to go as slow as is necessary... enjoy the semi windows and gut out the waves... it will all add up to healing in the end... I would much rather stagger out the healing than be sick for a full year or more without any breaks because I got impatient... I know that getting to zero too early is no joke... so I try and bear that in mind when I start to feel bad...

 

If I jumped at 2.8 mg Valium, there is no doubt in my mind I would be sick for 3 years at least... it's not going to happen,.. if I am going to do this it has to be healing via the taper...

 

 

[[Kg...]]

I am sorry I didn't mean you should jump now just that you should get off and not go back on these drugs or give up.  I can't write what I mean anymore thanks to my Benzo brain.  I just didn't want you to give up and stay on the drug - I have to believe that Ashton is correct and that when we finally get off we will have full healing.  I am having symptoms now and I am on high dose and not even cutting so believe me I do understand.  Every day for me is a struggle and I try not to think ahead or I will just give up now - you as I said have been an inspiration to me that I can get off of this poison.