New Buddie here. CT 12months ago after 8years on xanax then klonopin.

[[su...]]

I am really glad that I found this site as it has helped explain a lot of what I have been going through. I started taking alprazolam (Xanax) in 2005, my sophomore year in college. I was 19 at the time. During my freshman and sophomore year, I started becoming a little anxious at times and was not used to this. Looking back, I now realize that it was, one, nothing compared to what I put myself through after taking benzos; and, two, a normal level of nervousness given the situations I felt the anxiety in, e.g., giving a speech in class or the process of making new friends in a new city; and, lastly, the small level of anxiety I felt (which was new to me at the time, being a kid who always loved the spotlight) probably would have been reduced to next to nothing if I had just stopped smoking marijuana which, as I look back, was definitely a major factor in what I was feeling. Instead, I decided to cover up the side effects of one drug with, yet, another drug.

So, I started off taking alprazolam in small doses ever 4-6 hours -- .5 milligrams. Then, as time went on, I steadily increased the dosage until five years later I was taking 1.5 -2 milligrams every 4-6 hours, for a total of about 5-6 mg per day.

 

After being on alprazolam for 5 years, I knew that I wanted to get off of them eventually even though one of my previous doctors stated to me, "Love comes and goes, but Xanax is forever," with a slight smile on his face. Thanks, Doc! Anyway, I make it a point not to blame anyone else for what I have been through. That way, I retain control over my life. I knew what I was doing was not a good long-term plan; I just didn't care at the time. So I have no one else to blame. But I digress.

 

So, my new doctor switched me to clonazepam (klonopin) after 5 years of alprazolam -- 2mg every eight hours,  for a total of 4-6 mg per day. I stayed at the dosage for 2-3 years until I had finally had enough, given that the medication was no longer effective and I was tired of being numb all the time, along with the plethora of other side effects. My doctor instructed me to taper off, decreasing by a half a milligram for one day out of the week to start, then two days out of the week, then three.... and so on. I tried this, however, my life was too stressful and out of order for such a slow, methodical process. I continued to struggle for another year or so until I decided to make big changes in multiple areas of my life.

 

After failing to taper off, I decided to move back in with my parents (this was last year and I was 27 years old at the time). So, at this point, it had been a total of eight years on benzos, and I am just ready to stop no matter what I had to do. My parents took me to a doctor who specialized in treating anxiety disorders without medication. It turns out, he was not very specialized in helping people get off of medication they were already on, and he advised me to just stop taking the medication cold turkey an only take it when I needed it. I did this, and to my amazement, I ended up only taking .5mg of clonazepam in the first couple days, and then the next few days I took nothing! I was so proud to be off them, amazed that I could do it at all, and happy that I didn't have a seizure that I did not think of the consequences to come even though I had always heard to not stop taking the medication abruptly.

 

Now it has been about 12 months since that last clonazepam (actually I took 1mg maybe a couple times a month for the next few months just to be able to socialize with friends) and that initial happiness and excitement is long gone. I am so far from normal that it is scary. I hide it when I'm around friends by drinking a lot when we go out. At work, I can play it off sometimes by not engaging in a lot of one-on-one conversation; however, my coworkers can tell that something's a little off. They ask me why I am always so stiff and tight and if I ever loosen up. My boss said she thought I was very weird for the first couple of weeks after I was hired, but we ended up being pretty good friends after she got used to me I guess. I am never comfortable -- always nervous, even around family and long-time friends. When I am having a conversation, all I am thinking about is how my facial expressions should look and whether I am making too much eye contact or not enough -- like, "Should I be smiling or have a slight smerk or no expression at all?" Or "Should my hands be moving or straight down by my side or resting or something?" Or "Should I make a statement next or stick with questions because the statement I make will probably not be good enough or even be on topic with the conversation?" And those are only the thoughts I can think of right now. I assure you it gets even worse at times.

So, to sum it up, I was on benzos, first xanax then klonopin, for eight years; then I quit CT about 12 months ago. Since then, I have not been okay. When I was growing up, I was very social and always liked to be the center of attention. I was a basketball player, very confident (in most situations), and I would have never imagined that I could possibly feel the way I do today and have been for a while now. I feel like it is getting worse -- that I was actually less nervous and freaked out by people when I first got off and even months after I quit. I feel like it is much worse today, but maybe, just maybe, I am not remembering correctly and it is getting better. I hope so, but I really don't feel like that. It is only because of the stories on Benzobuddies that I think I might actually be healing and just can't analyze my situation and progress correctly. Let's hope so. Hope this helps someone out there feel less worried about their situation, and know that it's not you; it's all of us. We are healing even if it doesn't always feel like it.

[[ma...]]

Hi successtrain

 

Welcome to Benzobuddies

 

Congratulations on being benzo free. If you have been on benzodiazepines more than 2 weeks, they should always be tapered. I am sorry you were given bad advice.  It is not uncommon to have withdrawal symptoms after 12 months. Some of us take longer than others to heal, It was 2 years for me.  It can take quite some time for the CNS to recover.

 

I will put a link to the Ashton manual here for you: Professor Ashtons Manual It is an authoritative resource on benzodiazepines and withdrawals

 

Please feel free to post to any of the dedicated boards, we have a wonderful community of people here. . Members have been through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal and are more than willing to share their experiences.

 

Here is link to the Post withdrawal support Post withdrawal recovery support board

 

 

If you would be so kind as to add a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice this link will show you how to Create a signature

 

Please let us know If you have any questions.

 

Welcome Aboard

 

Magrita

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi successtrain,

i just came by to join Magrita in welcoming you to the Forum. i am sure you will

like it here, many people in a similar situation as yourself.

' Love comes and goes but Xanax stays forever ', if i was there with you,

your Docs smile would have been gone at once, i can assure you.

wish you well and take care,

Claudia.